Friday, August 26, 2011


Aspiring mimes want to know, how do I become one of those color blind mute unfunny cousins of the clowns? Well it's easier than you think! Just follow these 8 simple steps and YOU TOO can become a street preforming idiot!

Step 1: Decide if becoming a mime is right for you. Do you have any talent? Are you interested in normal things? Are you in a relationship? Are you smart? If you answered yes to any of these you are NOT mime material. If you must be a mime make sure you don't want to be a clown instead, this is a common mistake by most pantomimes, yes that's the correct actual term for these zebra dressed street preforming silent clowns.

Step 2: Ditch your colors. Mimes wear two colors, white and black. (please don't give me any crap about white and black not being actual colors) If you wear ANY color other than white and black, you are not going to make it as a mime. Black and white, especially stripes and berets are the only things you should be wearing. If you don't look like a mime you won't feel like a mime. (Keep that in mime.)

Step 3: If only wearing white and black wasn't enough, and apparently it isn't, you'll also have to get used to wearing white face paint. If you are Irish odds are your face is already white enough so go ahead and skip to step 4. If not, you'll want to cover your face in white paint or makeup. Looking at a picture of Michael Jackson is always helpful, (Note: only after 1990).

Step 4: Stop speaking. Mimes do not use their voices, no matter what. This won't be easy especially when answering the phone or being called on in class, but this what you have to give up to live the dream so it's worth it right? Keep in mind people will hit and kick you when you're on the street and it won't be easy to keep your mouth shut, but keep your mouth shut you must.

Step 5: Practice makes perfect, but how does one practice on invisible imaginary props?? By using REAL objects, that's how! Many people don't know this, but there are no actual invisible objects, it's all pretend. Trap yourself daily in glass boxes and try to find ways out by touching the sides over and over again. Tie a rope to something large and heavy and pull it each and every day. Climb to the top of a ladder that goes nowhere, get a huge fan and try to walk into the wind, lean on walls, and just mimic the people around you. (WARNING: you're gonna get hit)

Step 6: If you've made it this far congratulations, you are on your way to becoming a mime! Mimes preform only in the streets due to the fact that nobody would hire them to do their stupid act in any sort of building. You'll need to get used to being on the street, sidewalks, in crowds of people and in front of popular buildings and nice fountains. Spend as much time as you can outside on the street, it will toughen you up for the difficult times ahead. (Keep this in mime.)

Step 7: Balancing the budget is very important for today's busy pantomime on the go. Keep in mind you'll be VERY poor because mimes don't make a lot of money. Every now and again you might get paid to leave the area you are preforming in or kids may throw change at you. A good mime can make close to a dollar a day. Eat a lot of Top Ramen soup because that's pretty much all you'll be able to afford. It is for this reason that all mimes are so skinny, fun little fact for you. (Keep your money on your mime and your mime on your money.)

Step 8: You're all ready to go out into the colorful world of being a mime! Good for you. Now to find your own turf. Choose a spot free of jugglers, street magicians, street gamblers, acoustic guitar playing hippies, any kind of real street musician, anyone with a puppet, and above all else, OTHER MIMES. Mimes are very territorial and the last thing you want to do is get into a mime fight. (You don't want to lose your mime.) Find a spot that gets a lot of people traffic and has enough room for you to get noticed.

Well there you go, if you follow these 8 simple steps I'm sure you will become a mime....for some reason. I hope you make it and if you do, please don't stop doing what you love, after all, a mime is a terrible thing to waste.

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