Sunday, March 31, 2013


The Wizard of Oz is regarded as one of the best movies of all time. It's the most watched movie of time.  There are a few things about the movie that always bothered me and today I'm going to voice my opinions about this movie and the problems it has.

So when Dorothy first lands her house in Munchkin land she kills a witch. I'm not sure how much effort it takes getting out of the way of a falling house, but those things are pretty big and I think you'd see them coming down and step out of the way, yet the Wicked Witch of the East didn't or couldn't or whatever and got crushed. We then we meet the munchkin people and I have a serious problem with this race of people.

The Munchin people are hiding in the bushes, you might assume they are going to sneak attack Dorothy but they wouldn't do that. Glinda comes in all happy and cheery, clearly never actually helping the munchkin people based on their description and outright hatred of the Wicked Witch, (thanks for nothing Glinda). Glinda then says that a miracle is killing the Wicked Witch, now I'd never say anyone getting killed by a falling house is a miracle but I guess this is the witch part of Glinda coming out?

They thank her for killing and describe it as "neatly" oh ya neatly hu? You ever clean up the remains of a person CRUSHED BY A HOUSE??? Neat my ass, that would have been a hell of a mess but anywho they then break out into a song and dance celebrating the death of someone (again wouldn't agree that you should celebrate a death). This shows you how terrible the Wicked Witch truly was which I have concerns about. Did you see how nice it was there? They all seemed pretty well groomed and adjusted for living under the tyranny of such a monster. Makes you wonder if they really had it so bad. Their upkeep of the city sure didn't suffer under the rule of the Wicked Witch, that place is spotless! Maybe that's what they were all mad about, maybe the Wicked Witch made them clean it non stop 24 hours a day....or however many hours Oz gets in a day, I understand I'm making assumptions that they are using our calendar. So then the song starts out and it's so catchy and happy and wonderful that you forget that it's about the death of somebody, we didn't even do that when Hitler or Bin Laden died so it gives you some idea of how Wicked she must have been to these little guys....or they're just jerks. The song has clearly been practiced and rehearsed and includes a Munchkin army and I laugh at this because it's like, where were you guys when the Wicked Witch was terrorizing you? Obviously not doing a good job of protecting your city were you Munchkin army? Ok I just thought of another celebration over a death that rivals this one and that would be in the Star Wars movie.

The Wicked Witch wasn't just merely dead, NO, she was mostly sincerely dead. The mayor comes out of his place looking all good and pimped out. The mayor of Munchkin land then declares it is Independence day for the Munchkin people and their decedents, one of them yells out, IF ANY, possibly indicating a problem with procreating. I'm not sure the mayor has that power, to declare it anything but he does. Not sure why he's so damn sure they are independent now just because the Wicked Witch of the East is dead, Glinda clearly states that her sister the Wicked Witch of the West is worse, and the munchkin people never considered that PERHAPS killing her sister would piss her off and she'd come for revenge and enslave them??? No, it never crosses their minds.

Also I'd like to point out at the part where they say, "get out of bed rub your eyes" the actress to the far left missed her cue and gets up early, ruining the scene for me. Oh and in the song the lyrics are "Ding Dong the witch is dead, which old witch? The Wicked Witch," this means they have to ask which witch was just killed, HELLO....THE ONE THAT ENSLAVED YOU, WE'VE ALL JUST BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT FOR 10 MINUTES DUMB-ASSES. The munchkin army also marches out of unison but maybe munchkin armies aren't supposed to or maybe they're just really undisciplined as I suspect due to them not doing anything to protect the city. It's a ridiculously catchy song though, I love it, I would love to have them sing it when I die but with different lyrics.

The Lullaby League then welcomes Dorothy to Munchkin land. Next is the Lollipop Guild, now I actually met the one in the middle, he had the massive lollipop (he was the only living member at the time) he threw out the first pitch of a baseball game and he's a hell of a nice guy. ANYWHO, this welcome song is downright amazing, I'll hand it to those Munchkins, they can write a song. They then tell Dorothy she has been inducted to their Hall of Fame, they don't say what it will say but I guess it would be like, "Dorothy Gale, killed someone with a house."

Now the Wicked Witch shows up to break up their death celebration with a really really cool entrance. If I could I'd enter every room I walk into the same way. She starts demanding to know who killed her sister, as if dropping a house on someone happens often and there is always someone responsible for doing that. All the Munchkins lie there on the ground like slugs, it's their only defense. Then like a true bitch, Glinda points out that she's forgetting the ruby slippers, haha thanks for bringing that to her attention Glinda, she wasn't even going to think about it until you opened your big mouth! Glinda then points out they are right there on Dorothy's feet, causing more problems for Dorothy. At this point Dorothy should have stopped to think about whose side Glinda is really on! The Wicked Witch says she'll mess her up but Glinda reminds her she has NO power there and to just leave. Oh yeah? No power there? Well her sister sure had power there, she ruled that place with an iron fist so what's the difference?

In real life that exit caused 2nd and 3rd degree burns on the actress that played the Wicked Witch, who would have thought stepping into a massive fire ball would do such a thing??? Certainly not the director.

Dorothy is pretty much screwed until she learns about the Wizard who, for all they know, will probably, most likely help her if she goes to see him. Dorothy states that people come and go so quickly around there. Yes Dorothy, they do, when you drop a house on a person, they sure do go quickly.  look closely and you'll see that the yellow brick road begins in a swirl along with a red brick road. They never say where that goes but wouldn't that be a good sequel, where someone goes down the red brick road? Well they don't and Dorothy goes skipping off down a road and almost into the backdrop of the set. This would have been a classic boob bouncing scene if they hadn't been tapped down to make Judy Garland look younger than she was in real life, instead all we get to see is her pigtails flopping, which btw are constantly different lengths throughout the movie because they didn't think of that as her hair grew. Here's my problem with the follow the yellow brick road song, they just simply say "follow it." Then a few minutes later it splits and goes in different directions.....hey....jerks....YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT! They're lucky she went in the right direction or she could have ended up back in Kansas instead of going to the Emerald city!

No problem with the Scarecrow but his constant falling down got annoying after the 57th time. Other than in his song he says he could tell you why the ocean is by the shore, well it ISN'T if you're in the middle of it but anywho at one point he falls and straw comes spewing out, Dorothy asks if it hurts. Oh I don't know Dorothy, does it hurt when your guts come falling out? Lets find out.

Eventually they find the Tinman. No problem with this guy either but this is the famous "midget hanging scene." I'm going to put an end to this stupid and false belief that this actually happened in the movie. NO MIDGET DIED BY HANGING IN THIS MOVIE AND YOU CAN NOT SEE IT SO STOP SAYING IT. If you believe this you're either just going on what people have told you or you're an idiot because I'm going to explain to you what was mistaken for a hanged little person.

There were many exotic birds in the scene including a big stork, crane looking thing. It's in the background, you can see it clear as day. This thing eventually flaps his wings and for some retarded reason some moron at some point said, "Hey look one of the Munchkins is hanging himself!" and everyone believed this blind jackass. IT'S A BIRD. Did anyone stop to think that IF a midget had actually hung himself on the set, by accident or on purpose that no actor saw him doing it? Not the director, not the camera men, not the sound crew, not the light people, not the assistants, nobody in the whole place saw this??? No, none of them did and then it made it into the movie, again, without anyone spotting it while in the editing room or in their previews, they didn't cut that scene with an actual death in it! COME ON PEOPLE! Don't be so stupid. It's an urban legend and it's untrue, stop spreading it around. Don't believe me? Watch the scene for yourself. IT'S A BIRD.

It's actually cute to watch Toto in this scene because he seems to really like the Tinman's dance. The three then go and run into the cowardly lion. I hate the lion, always have, always found him to be annoying and exaggerated. My problem with this scene is, why is the Tinman afraid of the lion? Wouldn't the lion's teeth just break on his Tin exterior? And hello, you have an ax! Chop the shit out of that stupid lion when he threatens you! You don't have a heart so it's not like you'll care if you kill him. I'd let Dorothy kill the lion, she's already a seasoned murderer. I was so glad when Dorothy slaps him in the face. Why was scarecrow afraid of him either, he just got done asking if there were animals that eat straw, so why worry about a lion? Worry about a cow being in the woods scarecrow.

There is a poppy scene and Glinda makes it snow, just so people out there know, that fake snow was actually asbestos, haha, I always chuckle when I watch that scene now. Again, which side are you on Glinda, the Wicked Witch says she's sending poison with flowers but you actually send real poison! The Tinman freezes up because he starts to cry and then rusts, so we are to believe the tinsmith didn't give him a heart but he gave him tear ducts?

Then they make it to Seattle and have some trouble getting in. We get to see a really cool horse that changes color, in real life it was several different horses that were all painted different colors. They clean up the characters and give the lion a perm and a ribbon......the evidence is really starting to pile up lion. The lion starts to sing his crappy song about being king of the forest and mentions NOT QUEEN, but king! Haha, tell us another one lion! Anyway, in the song he states that courage is what causes the flag on a mast to wave. No, that is wind. He also says that courage puts the ape in apricot. There are two problems with this, first of all, ape isn't in the word apricot and second of all, even if it was it wouldn't be courage that puts it there. Tinman also takes a flower pot and smashes it, really cool by the way, to use as a prop for the lion's crown, proving once again the Tinman is the closest thing to a badass this movie has and that he has no regard for public property.

Here comes Oz, the great and powerful....and confusing. The wizard is named Oz? I thought it was the wizard OF Oz? Turns out he is named Oz and the land they are in is also called Oz, showing us that the wizard wasn't very original or creative when choosing a name. He's also pretty rude basically saying he didn't care about them and would only help if they brought back the Wicked Witch's broom stick. Oh sure, that will be easy to get! Knowing what we know now, the wizard is just the old guy and wouldn't he have known he was sending all 4 of them to certain death to tangle with the Witch??? This guy is worse than Glinda!

The witch sends her flying monkeys out, which seems like she has 100s of those things, I guess they're prolific breeders. Many people were terrified by these things but I always thought they were cool. They also make capturing slaves easy as 1,2,3! Not sure why the Witch didn't send them earlier in the movie, could have had the same results much faster but oh well. Her friends come to her rescue and the Tinman chops down the door with his ax, the same way he SHOULD have chopped up the lion when they first met. I'd like to point out that unlike the Tinman and Scarecrow that both served a purpose and saved Dorothy using their talents, the lion did NOTHING to help any in of the situations in the movie.

Why were there so many guards at the Witch's castle? Who was going to come and attack her? The munchkins?? The sissies from the Emerald City? Please, she would be fine without any guards, if anything they should have been guarding her from buckets of water that were randomly placed around her castle. Dorothy and her friends are running around the Wicked Witch's castle, which is really awesome, and then when cornered she lights the scarecrow on fire. That causes Dorothy to throw a bucket of water at the scarecrow hitting the Witch in the face. She starts to melt and is dead. Dorothy then claims, she wasn't TRYING to kill her....ya know Dorothy, this is the SECOND witch you've killed by ACCIDENT that you weren't trying to. How many times can this happen before we start to question  your story? If I was Glinda I'd watch my ass.

Back in the Emerald city they hand over the broom stick and Oz is shocked they came back alive, or he should be anyway. The idiot wizard flies off by accident leaving Dorothy behind forever, that is until Glinda shows up saying Dorothy had the power to leave at anytime she wanted. I like how the scarecrow says, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US BEFORE!? Glinda says Dorothy wouldn't have believed her, haha really Glinda? Why is that, because Dorothy did everything else you said, so why wouldn't she have believed you about the ONE THING she wanted the most? Dorothy clicks her heels and goes home and we see that it was a dream. Notice the size of Dorothy's window in this scene, it's huge!

The movie ends here and we all realize it was just a dream which kinda sucks, I really wish they would have given us a little hint that the movie maybe did actually take place but they didn't and we all find out we just watched a dream. Those are the problems I have with the Wizard of Oz, still a good movie, especially considering this was made in 1939.

A movie all about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.

Saturday, March 23, 2013


There are several products or corporate logos that use the name “MISTER” but who is the best? That’s what we are going to find out! This is the 2013 Mr. March Madness Contest! These elite 8 fictional characters are going to go HEAD TO HEAD until we have a winner! Let the contest begin!
First up is that famous coffee product, MR. COFFEE. A very well-known product, Mr. Coffee has been in households for years. Its revolutionary automatic drip system made brewing coffee at home fun and easy! Mr. Coffee has been in pop culture as well. In the Back to the Future series the time machine comes back from the future with a “Mr. Fusion” accessory that uses garbage as fuel for automobiles, this was a play on Mr. Coffee. In the movie Spaceballs, there is a “Mr. Radar” as well as a Mr. Coffee on the spaceship. In the full Cheers theme song from the 80’s TV sitcom “CHEERS” Mr. Coffee is mentioned. So how does Mr. Coffee stack up against the other Mister mascots??? Well in the Cheers theme song the lyrics state and I QUOTE, “Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee is dead, the morning’s looking bright.” So due to Mr. Coffee being pronounced dead, he has been DISQUALIFIED.

Next up is that fun loving bath buddy, Mr. Bubble! Mr. Bubble has been around for years leaving our children squeaky clean. And who doesn’t like taking bubble baths?! The Mr. Bubble brand happens to be currently the number one bath product on the market today. HOWEVER in lieu of recent events of the child molesting acts done by Penn State great Jerry Sandusky, we are forced to take a closer look at Mr. Bubble. The slogan? “Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty.” Wow…Well, with his child luring cartoon features, very suggestive slogan, AND yet using the name MISTER, which would indicate a full grown adult male, and not a child, we feel at this time it would be better for everybody if we DISQUALIFY Mr. Bubble due to his suggestive nature and possibility of being a child molester OR accessory to child molesting. NO ONE like that will be welcomed into the MR. March Madness contest. It is safe to say Mr. Bubble has showered with young boys, and we don’t want that kind of controversy.

Our next contender is MR. PIBB. An answer to Dr. Pepper, the Coca Cola company came back with a new arch rival soft drink to combat the good doctor. Not as popular or good as Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb has a small but loyal following and is enjoyed by millions each year. So is Mr. Pibb worthy of the title MISTER MARCH MADNESS??? Yes he is! HOWEVER, today I saw Mr. Pibb on a Coke machine and made a startling discovery which promptly led to an intensive research investigation….the results may shock and horrify you. In 2001, Mr. Pibb had the “MR.” part of his name dropped and is now known simply as “Pibb.” Therefore, without having MR. in its name, the soft drink formally known as Mr. Pibb must be DISQUALIFIED from this competition as Pibb is ineligible to compete.

In the 80’s I used to love to go to Chuck E. Cheese’s and one of my favorite puppet robots that worked there was called Mr. Munch! Yes, Mr. Munch, created in 1978 to replace an original character of Pizza Time Theatre, this big stupid looking purple and yellow monster guy couldn’t concentrate on anything other than eating his favorite food….pizza! Mr. Munch wasn’t alone, there were a few other characters and when Show Biz Pizza took over, Mr. Munch was in the lime light. Then that big rat from New Jersey stole the show and Show Biz Pizza became Chuck E. Cheese’s…things began to change.  Like a tree losing its leaves, Chuck E. Cheese’s started to drop its characters, feeling that Chuck E. Cheese was good enough to stand alone. Eventually Mr. Much was written out of the show. He has not been seen or heard from for years. Due to the nonexistence of Mr. Munch he is no longer considered eligible for this contest.

Women do not find bald men attractive EXCEPT for the following: Vin Diesel, Michael Jordan, Yule Brenner, and Mr. Clean, who just happens to be our next competitor. Mr. Clean has been around for years, mainly in the kitchen, helping to keep our homes clean and germ free. Mr. Clean is by far the most ripped of all of our contestants and could easily kick any of their asses BUT Mr. March Madness is much more than an ass kicking competition. Mr. Clean even has his own jingle and is a gentle genie-type mascot that often winks when he gets the job done. He is the strong silent type and is very recognizable. For these qualities and abilities Mr. Clean will move on to the winners circle where he has a chance to be crowned, MR. MARCH MADNESS! Who will he face in the next match up??? FIND OUT NOW!

For years and years we were all taught to avoid Mr. Yuk. He was very distinguishable with his yellow-green circle and his tongue sticking out; Mr. Yuk meant DANGER and STAY OUT and single handedly probably prevented 1,000’s of deaths due to his safety campaigns. I always kinda felt bad for him, like he was the bad guy and yet that was just what he had to do to keep us kids safe. Warning us of poisonous substances or even things like electrical fuse boxes, Mr. Yuk stickers may have been found on such products as Mr. Clean. Created in Pittsburgh, Mr. Yuk was developed to take the place of the skull and crossbones, which was used to symbolize danger or a harmful substance. This was thought to be too closely related to fun things, like pirates and adventure. So a new symbol was created. Mr. Yuk, you will be moving directly into the next round, THAT IS, you would be but studies have shown that your colorful eye catching cartoon face has NO DIRECT AFFECT in detouring children from what they find you on, and in some cases you even attracted children. Outside of Pittsburgh, where you can still request the stickers, it is a consensus to NOT use Mr. Yuk anymore. Therefore, Mr. Yuk has been DISQUALIFIED from this contest due to being linked to possible child deaths in association with strong encouragement to NOT use his likeness for what it was intended for.

Now we come to a bar that is good, Mr. Goodbar, a Hershey’s Chocolate bar that has peanuts in it is actually quite good, hence the name! I remember my first Mr. Goodbar, and what a fitting name because it is delicious. In 1925 Hershey’s added peanuts to their chocolate bar and the Mr. Goodbar was created using a bright yellow wrapper. Wait a sec….bright yellow, peanuts, 1925??? Due to the rules and regulations of this competition, it has been determined by our judges (me),that Mr. GoodBar is in fact, just peanuts in chocolate clothing, this would make him a direct and cheap rip off of another peanut mascot with the name MR. in it….Mr. Peanut. Mr. Goodbar came out in 1925 whereas Mr. Peanut had already come out in 1916. Therefore, due to Mr. Goodbar being a cheap knock off of an already established mascot, we have DISQUALIFIED Mr. Goodbar from this contest, may God have mercy on your soul, PROCEED.

Which brings us to that charming nut of a fellow, Mr. Peanut. No one else in this contest has such grace and civility. He is also without a doubt the best dressed and well-mannered delightful contestant we have. There is no equal when it comes to style and refinement. His poise and elegance can only be matched by his kindness and dependability; after all, he has been doing his job and doing it well for nearly 100 years! With his trademark top hat, cane, monocle and spats, Mr. Peanut easily gets the go ahead nod to enter the winner’s circle to face Mr. Clean for title of MR. MARCH MADNESS!


What a match up we have for you today! The manly man’s man of cleaning products, MR. CLEAN verses the regal and distinguished legume MR. PEANUT. So how do these two match up? Mr. Clean is far younger, only having been around since 1958, which may sound really old until you compare that to Mr. Peanut who has been around since 1916! Mr. Clean would clearly win in a street fight as Mr. Peanut would be no match for those huge arms and I’m sure Mr. Clean would crush that shell and then have the common curtsey to clean up the mess! Mr. Peanut could use his cane as a weapon but he just seems too civilized to do any real damage to Mr. Clean. The only thing Mr. Peanut could hope to do to win a fight would be to pray to the God of nuts that Mr. Clean had a peanut allergy, basically making him as weak as a kitten when he came in contact to Mr. Peanut. This isn’t a brawl though and won’t be decided in the ring.

They are both bald…..although that determines nothing. Both have award winning smiles, and one thing Mr. Clean has never been, is creepy, which we cannot say the same for Mr. Peanut as those early costumes are enough to fill up your dream tank to full with nightmare fuel. Mr. Clean could never come close to matching Mr. Peanut’s class though; Mr. Clean wears a white T-shirt, probably purchased in a pack of 5 from Wal-Mart.

Mr. Peanut has an advantage of being on far more products than Mr. Clean. Mr. Peanut has also been in far many more commercials and just has more products out there. Mr. Clean does have the magic eraser though, which uses REAL magic as it’s cleaning agent, and that’s tough to beat! A wider range of people can recognize and identify Mr. Peanut than Mr. Clean, probably because Mr. Clean hasn’t been in as many commercials as he used to.

This matchup is too close to call so we will have to go to a taste test to determine the winner. Well anyone allergic to peanuts would die instantly if they had any Planter Nuts, which is not good for Mr. Peanut. HOWEVER, anyone who drinks a bottle of Mr. Clean is surely going to die, therefore, since only a select few would die at the hands of Mr. Peanut, and all would die during a taste test of Mr. Clean products…….the winner is, by a slim margin, MR. PEANUT, THE BEST “MISTER” MASCOT AND WINNER OF THE TITLE MR. MARCH MADNESS! Thank you all for joining us and see you next year for another March Madness contest, goodnight everybody.

NOTE: Just to clear up any confusion, and to prevent him from hunting me down, I want to clarify why Mr.T was ineligible for this contest. Due to the fact that he is a real person and NOT a mascot, product, or corporate logo, he was not able to enter this contest.

Friday, March 22, 2013


The Hobbit. I've been waiting since the 80s for this movie to come out. I'm not one of those huge nerds that waited and counted down the days, I just enjoyed the cartoon from the first time I saw it. It was made in 77, before my time but I saw it when I was a little kid. It was done by Rankin Bass, the same people who did all those Christmas stop-and-go motion movies and the Thundercats. So how could this new version have been so terrible??? There are several reasons why this movie was painful to watch and why it sucked. Disagree? Money talks, this thing came out in December and here it is March already out on DVD.....that's sad. 


Too little too late is a phrase that comes to mind. When the first Lord of the Rings movie came out people went crazy with excitement and fans of the books were really hard on it but approved and felt the movies were good enough to live up to their imagination's hype. We loved those movies, they did so well at the box offices, they won oscars, the actors were loved and honored and we couldn't get enough of LOTR! But then a few years went by and we had our fill, keeping in mind the WHOLE TIME we all heard the rumors that The Hobbit would be made too, giving a sigh of relief to those of us who still wanted some more. HOWEVER, time went by and things calmed down....too much. We stopped caring about these movies and these characters and when the over due Hobbit came out, people just didn't care as much. Die hard fans of the first movies and the books cared, and they went to see it but the rest of us just shrugged our shoulders. Then the reviews came out and we all figured we better just stay home and see it when it comes out on DVD....we didn't have to wait long. This movie should have come out 2-3 years after The Return Of the King, riding the momentum of the trilogy. Unfortunately they waited far too long and the Hobbit had to make its own waves, and it just couldn't. It's been 10 years since the last movie came out. Kids have grown up, new kids are around now and never even saw the first 3, it's just been too big of a gap.

REASON NUMBER TWO: You're Out of Oder.

The Hobbit was the first book, then came the other three. So wait, why wasn't The Hobbit the first movie? Wouldn't have that made the most sense? YES. I can only speculate here because this always confused me. I knew of The Hobbit for years and years before I ever knew there was anything else and I think a lot of casual fans were in the same boat as me. The Hobbit book was first in order and it introduces all the characters. We see how Bilbo meets Gandalf, we see how he gets the ring, we see where Gollum comes from, and so on. If you watch The Lord of the Rings and have no clue about The Hobbit, you won't be entirely confused, but some things just aren't explained that the readers of the book already know. Perhaps doing the next 3 books was more marketable? I assume they figured with 3 books they could make 3 back to back movies, and since they were continuous, they could switch some things around and go out of order from movie to movie, as long as the information got in one of the 3 movies. Also once the Hobbit is done you have few characters left over, where as in the LOTR three stories, almost all of the same characters appear in each one. 

REASON NUMBER THREE: Messing With Success.

Gimli is the best example of a Dwarf that we have. He was first, he showed us what they looked like, what they wore, how they spoke, and how they acted. He was all we had to go off of at this point because The Hobbit wasn't first, which had many Dwarfs in it, 13 that go on the quest to be exact. So all we know about being a Dwarf comes from our mold, Gimli. I was surprised to see that many of the Dwarfs in this movie, almost all of them, seemed nothing like Gimli. It was a let down and a disappointment because I was thinking, "Alright, 13 Gimli guys running around, this will be so cool!" Well some were clean shaven, skinny, tall-looking, young, and just all around not Dwarf-like. (Again, going on what Gimli taught us about the Dwarf race) I understand that the actor that played Gimli was not a short man in real life, actually being one of the tallest on the set. But in the first 3 movies they did a much better job at making him appear to be dwarf size. The Hobbit used the same old camera, midget, and CGI tricks that the first 3 used but somehow I felt like these 13 dwarfs were just regular humans, unlike Gimli that made me feel like he was only 4 feet tall. 

AND HERE, is what they gave us for The Hobbit. In order from left to right, Nori is kinda a semi dwarf looking guy or what I feel a dwarf should be, Ori, based on looks, just plain isn't a dwarf in my opinion, Dori again somewhat semi dwarf looking, Fili no way in hell are you a dwarf, Kili worst example of a dwarf there could possibly be, (next to Thorin that is, who just happens to be KING of the dwarfs), Oin could pass as a dwarf on a good day I suppose and Gloin is an acceptable Dwarf. But it gets much worse......MUCH WORSE.....

Seriously? Seriously?? This is supposed to be a Dwarf? Really? You expect us to believe this douche-bag is what Gimli is too? No thank you Mr. Jackson, you can take this idiot off my screen and shove that stupid hat up his dwarf hole. Worst part of any costume in any movie of all time. Add some goggles and you have Flick from A Christmas Story, or add a cigar and you have Cousin Eddie. HEY BOFUR, SHITTER WAS FULL! I suppose if we are made to think Bofur came from Canada or Minnesota, then the hat suits him well. I however, do not think any Dwarf should wear anything remotely close to this at any point in it's life. (hysterical on Cousin Eddie btw)

REASON NUMBER FOUR: How Many Movies Does It Take To Tell A Story.

Well the answer isn't one, I know that much! The Lord of the Rings was 3 movies because there were 3 books....I can do that math. The Hobbit is ONE book split into 3 movies. Wait what, why?? Well money, and I can't think of any other reason. If we drag this out, excuse me, stretch this out into 3 movies, we can make more money! Great idea, unless the movie sucks and you have to do this 2 more times with the crowd and targeted audience already tired of it....uh oh....that could cause a problem. It's true, it's a long involved book with many wonderful details and a movie can't capture all of it at one time but  did it need to be made into 3 separate movies? No, no it did not. The problem is, adding to each movie to make it long enough, which is what Peter Jackson did, causing some very angry responses from true fans. He had to though, otherwise he couldn't fill 3 entire movies. Imagine reading 1/3 of a book then stopping for a year, this is what we have to do with these movies now. And to be fair the best part is going to be the dragon Smaug and in this movie we saw some flashes of it flying in a flashback and his eye opening at the end of the movie, other than that we were dragon teased by the movie and leaving us at a point where we really wanted to say, "sure I've been here for 3 hours, but now it's getting good!" We don't even get to see Smaug? The main bad guy of the story....isn't even in the first movie? Yes, that's a fact, the main antagonist does not appear in this movie. 


Sorry, the guy who played Bilbo was a terrible choice for the part. Martin Freeman was so unlike the Bilbo from the books that I had pictured and so unlike the Bilbo from the cartoon movie and even so unlike the Bilbo from the other 3 movies. (I don't care if this is 60 years earlier) He just wasn't right for the part. He should have been shorter, fatter, jollier, and whinier. He didn't fit the part, and he wasn't believable, not that I thought the Bilbo from LOTR movies was much better, I would have rather watched the movie with him playing the part. This is the main character, he was the most important character, therefore, it was the highest importance that we got the correct human to play the original Hobbit. The Hobbit that we should be measuring all other Hobbits too by the way. I really think they went out and said, who would be the WORST person we can get to do this??? Maybe Martin was the only guy that showed up on casting day? 


For me if a movie doesn't have good music, it can't be a good movie. Think of some of your favorite scores or songs that fit so perfectly into movies. Star Wars? Titanic? Jaws? Rocky? The Lion King? Jurassic Park? Gone with the Wind? The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly? I could go on, but you get my point right? Music can make an ok movie even better and it can make a great movie seem not so great. This movie had very little music to inspire us. Really came up short on this one. Sure we had a few hints of the other movies with the Shire theme and the Ring theme and hints from The Two Towers but when it came to The Hobbit having its own special unique theme, which it did, it just left a lot to be desired. NOBODY came out of the theatre humming it, you probably can't right now because it wasn't memorable or catchy. It was too simple and too light for such an epic adventure movie. In the battle scenes all I could think was, "Wow this music doesn't fit this fighting or running or danger or suspense." It's just a shame because this movie deserved a wonderful theme song like the previous movies each had and it just didn't. 


It's no secret I'm not a fan of CGI, (that's computer generated images), I know, I know, every single movie has them and it's just how movies are done now. Well I think it looks fake. And for whatever reason, this movie seemed to spend very little time on their computer graphics. At one point I thought, why have live actors at all? Why not just do an entire CGI movie?? You might as well have for as much as they did with CGI. This was true with the first 3 movies as well I know, and Gollum is one of the best examples of CGI looking realistic that we have but it seemed cheap in this movie. Even Gollum didn't appear to be as real in this movie, which is very strange considering how long ago the first movies came out (2001), our technology should have come even further since then, and yet....I feel like they could have just used some crayons and drew the sets and characters, I would have been just as aware as I was watching this CGI. 


I realize that this is a sequel or prequel in this case, and that many themes and things will be similar but in this movie it was a little too close. When we first saw the fellowship of the ring crossing the mountains with that great music playing we all got chills. When we first saw Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn running after the Orcs that had captured their hobbit friends we again got chills and wondered, what are we gonna see in this movie that is already turning out so great in the first few minutes?! But this time when we saw the 13 Dwarfs and a wizard and a hobbit crossing the mountains, it was like, over kill. Ok, we get it, New Zealand is a beautiful country, and they're on a quest and long journey, ok, ok. Been there done that. Then when they were attacked by the wolf riders, I was thinking, "Wait, didn't this already happen in one of these movies?" Yes, it had, in the Two Towers. Then Gandalf is off talking to butterflies again and they're running for their lives through a massive cavernous mountain and I'm like, HEY....don't rip me off just cause this is the 4th movie, give me something new! If you can't come up with new ideas then don't bother to make another movie. Again, I reiterate, the books had similar themes, ideas, and settings but still. 

All in all this was a long, drawn out, boring movie that left a feeling of wanting more. You can't put out 3 wonderful movies, leave us to think what if, then answer it with this pile of crap. I give the music for this movie an A for the past snippets from previous movies but an F for their original score and attempts at the songs from the book, which averages out to be a C I guess. I give the actors an A for people like Gandalf and Gollum and Elrond and a couple of the Dwarfs but for Bilbo and the rest of the dwarfs and that HORRIBLE other wizard, I give a strong F, which again averages out to be a C. For original story I'd give it an A because The Hobbit is such a pioneer in this genre....buuuut the other 3 movies already did all they could do and The Hobbit is now just eating table scraps, so I give it an F.

 The writing also was pretty crappy, sure they stuck to the book in some cases but there were clearly scenes made to make the audience laugh out loud and there is nothing worse than that awkward silence that you hear when something isn't funny. I didn't laugh or even get a smile at these parts and doubt fans were that easily tricked into thinking there was any reason to laugh. We are supposed to laugh at a fat Dwarf breaking a chair due to his weight? That's offensive and he may have had a glandular problem! Now don't you feel bad? 

The worst part of this movie was the fact that they were trying to recapture some of that magic that the first 3 movies had........and I'm very careful to say that because in my opinion the last LOTR movie was way too long, too unoriginal, and too anticipated. (I always thought the ending to the series was anticlimactic in the books as well) My next blog should be a rewrite to the end of Return of the King, because what I thought should have happened and what we were led to believe the whole time never does happen and, well whatever that's another rant. 

The point is, maybe we are just done with this series, maybe America has had it's fill of J.R.R. Tolkien and this movie was too late? Maybe we were all frustrated that we had to sit through and wait for 3 separate movies just to see what happens? Maybe Peter Jackson lost his touch or maybe he was just a one trick pony and we've seen it all before? Whatever the reason, I didn't like this movie. It didn't get me into theatres back when it was in them (just a couple of months ago actually) and of all the bad things I heard about it, I'm sorry to say ended up being true. I have to say I ignored those reviews and wanted to develop my own opinions. After the first 10 minutes I was looking at the clock saying, when will this stupid thing be over??? That's a bad sign considering its running time is 2:49. I've waited a long time for this movie but in the end, the 1977 cartoon adaptation was far superior in every way. This movie truly was an unexpected journey, one that I will not be taking again. 

Sorry I want to say more about that dumbass with that asinine hat. How idiotic was that idea? Putting that ear flap hat on him?  Like a reject from Fargo is going to win audiences hearts??? Hell no! Go back to ice fishing or hang yourself with that feminine braid the fat dwarf had. I mean come on, why would you do that?? Someone at some point came up with that idea, then some other idiot said, "Great idea!" Then that moron told someone else about it and it passed through all these people, including the director, and IT MADE IT IN THE MOVIE!!! I just can't fathom that...but it happened. You should take away an oscar just for making that decision.

Saturday, March 16, 2013


In March of '09 I wrote a blog about the first day of Spring, you can actually look it up on this site under March of '09. I talk about how I am really into fishing and plan to catch the biggest fish of my life and then would update it on here. Well I never updated that because there was nothing to update! I went out a lot that year and didn't catch ANYTHING. It was really annoying.

I even went to a place I used to fish a lot as a kid, I didn't know they had drained it and now it's just a field of marsh grasses. Talk about being disapointed. I also managed to get a huge hook stuck in the leg of my girlfriend at the time, that was all I caught that year. BUT THIS YEAR....

That year I also bought a brand new pole, I will be using it and I plan to expand my fishing area, I think I need to try bigger lakes or better waters. I also plan to go with other people that actually know what they're doing. This year I vow to catch at least one fish, (if I do I'll already be doing better than in 2009) And my challenge remains, to catch the biggest fish of my life!

Hopefully this year I will be able to update this blog.

Monday, March 11, 2013


So I'm totally obsessed all of a sudden with Mr. Peanut. 

Sure we know you Mr. Peanut, we have come to love your class, your top hat, your monocle and cane and your white spats but who is the nut behind the mascot? 

My second most favorite food of all time is easily Planters Cheese Balls. A moment of silence please because they no longer make them. Sometimes I'll check the snack food aisle to see if cheese balls will reappear....but they haven't yet. I know what you're saying, "but Andrew, there are cheese balls still." NOT PLANTERS cheese balls, and the taste is unmistakable, all the rest SUCK, they are a sick joke that I will not entertain!!! When I was enjoying cheese balls from that distinct blue can, this guy was always on it smiling back at me. If you ever had any kind of peanuts in your life, then I'm sure you've had Planters, and they really are great. They do more than just peanuts, they do cashews and mixed nuts and almonds and a few other nut related products. Either way, the Mr. Peanut logo mascot is on every item you buy, peanuts or not. 

As you can see, Mr. Peanut has changed over the years but not by much. After all, he is almost 100 years old! In 1916 Planters held a contest to come up with a company logo and mascot for their peanut company. A 14 year old school boy named Antonio Gentile came up with a rendering of a peanut man, he called him "Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald-Smythe." A company artist later added the top hat, monocle, spats, and cane.....basically creating Mr. Peanut and in addition, what I imagine was, a way of not paying Antonio Gentile a cent for his drawing. Soon Mr. Peanut became more than just a corporate logo, he became the face of the entire peanut industry, Planters or not. Today Mr. Peanut remains one of the most historical and recognizable logo mascots......which makes me wonder....who is number one? Ronald McDonald perhaps? Well number one in my heart would probably have to go to Mr. Peanut. 

Mr. Peanut has remained the same for decades but the most recent change was in 2010 when he was turned into a CGI commercial and spoke for the first time in nearly 100 years. I actually HATE this version of him, I don't think he needed a coat, I don't think he needed friends, and I certainly don't think he needed to talk. Voiced by Robert Downy Jr., a man that has been on so many drugs that he probably actually thought he was having a conversation with a real live peanut man, was just a bad choice in my opinion. It's no secret that I don't care for Robert Downy Jr. but I don't think Mr. Peanut would sound like him, do you? I mean, he looks so classy and refined and regal. A better voice actor to play him would be like, Patrick Stewart or Kelsey Grammar, or someone like that. In 2006 an online survey was conducted by Planters to see if they should add a bow tie, cuff links, or pocket watch, the public voted for NO CHANGE, then what do we see in 2010??? Hey Planters.....are you nuts??

I looked online and turns out if you go to ebay you can find a TON of stuff with Mr. Peanut on it! Which is good because I started to buy stuff left and right! I went nuts. I decided I would start to collect Mr. Peanut stuff, it's a strange new collection and the last thing I needed was another collection but too bad, I already started! I will now be drinking out of a mug in the shape of Mr. Peanut's head, playing darts with a Mr. Peanut Planters dart board, and if I drink beer I'll be using the Mr. Peanut pewter beer mug! I feel I bought more but I can't remember any of it right now. So if you're looking for a gift for Andrew....go nuts! 

They really have slapped this guy on everything, from a giant nut mobile to an actual hot air balloon, which is just really cool. I'm pretty sure anyone can identify Mr. Peanut, and even if they didn't know his name wouldn't the obvious guess be Mr. Peanut? In the ad below for a circus it says you can meet Mr. Peanut in person with his baby elephant....................not sure how they pulled that off. 

Well that's my newest, latest, oddest, obsession. I really like Mr. Peanut because he is so classy, rich, regal, fun-loving, quick-witted, refined, and he has a great smile. A real gentleman! You can tell he would hold the door for you or give a big tip at a restaurant. (I think he shops at the same place as the Monopoly guy.) So the next time you grab your nuts, make sure you take a good look at Mr. Peanut.....he'll be smiling back at you from the can. 

Saturday, March 9, 2013


THE FUTURE. It's what Marty says when he arrives in 2015, and we are only a few short years away folks! I remember watching this movie as a kid and thinking that 2015 would be VERY futuristic with flying cars and hover boards but now that we are pretty much there right now, how close are we to what was depicted in Back To The Future part 2? Here is a check list of what we do have and what we do not have yet.

Self pumping gas stations..................................NO.

Classic movies redone in 3D.............................YES.

Hover conversions for cars................................NO.

Hover boards......................................................NO.

Projected billboards...........................................NO.

Sports almanacs from the last 50 years.............YES.

Dust busters considered antiques......................YES.

Apple II E's computers considered antiques.....YES.

Arcade games referred to as "baby toys"..........YES.

Self fitting clothes..............................................NO.

Self drying clothes.............................................NO.

Clothes that talk to you......................................NO.

The exact Nike shoes Marty wears...................YES.

Cars that run on garbage....................................NO.

Bar code license plates.......................................NO.

Giant flat screen TVs that hang on the wall......YES.

Dehydrated food.................................................NO.

Black and Decker Hydrators...............................NO.

Hanging home fruit centers................................NO.

Cell phones we wear on our face........................NO.

Face to face on screen phone calls.....................YES.

Style of wearing two neck ties............................NO.

Still having AT&T.............................................YES.

Personal credit card swiping machine................YES.

Personal faxing machines...................................YES.

Houses that greet you..........................................NO.

Thumb print as keys...........................................YES.

Where you're going needing roads.....................YES.

OK, so this list tells us a few things. One, I'm really feeling old. Two, we need to get a move on to catch up with some of this future stuff, we have 2 more years to go. Three, the movie never depicted a computer or texting BUT it did have glasses that you wear as a phone which could be the next big thing for Iphone or Droid to do.

Oh, and for those of you that think me saying yes to having the Marty's 2015 Nike shoes was a mistake, check out the website, Nike actually made them in 2011. My hope is that they make them in 2015 because I've been wanting a pair since I saw the movie back in the 80's. 

Thursday, March 7, 2013


Ok, so I know Dirty Harry came out in 1971, but I just saw it the whole way through for the first time and thought I should review it. We all know about this movie, we all know it was a Clint Eastwood movie, we all know the famous, "You got to ask yourself one question, do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?" And there were 4 sequels where the character Dirty Harry comes back. But I knew very little about this movie other than those things. After watching I have to admit, I LOVED THIS MOVIE! 

So Dirty Harry is named after the title character that Clint Eastwood plays, Inspector Harry Callahan, a San Francisco police inspector. Dirty is the nickname given to a cop that goes against his superiors and isn't by the book, we get the idea that Eastwood is such a cop due to the fact that, well he's Clint Eastwood and he NEVER takes crap from ANYONE in any movie. Secondly when he is giving his police report to the Mayor and keeps getting interrupted we get the sense that he might just pull out his hand gun and shut someone up. The movie starts out with a chick swimming around in a roof top pool, as most people do in San Francisco. She gets shot from some sniper dude atop another building. As the opening credits roll we see Harry checking out the scene of the crime. He finds a discarded rifle shell on the ground and at this point I was thinking, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!! WHAT A RIDICULOUS EASY CLUE THAT NO KILLER WOULD LEAVE BEHIND!!! However several seconds later we see a note and we discover that the killer has no problem playing a cat and mouse game and WANTS the police to try and stop him.

The note basically says hes going to kill someone every day until he gets 100,000 dollars. I guess that was a lot of money in '71 but I doubt that would cover the cost of a downtown apartment in today's San Francisco. The note said his next victim will be a Catholic Priest. (Now there is a pattern, swimming girl, Catholic Priest, and so on in that fashion.) So the mayor says, let's pay this guy, which really just pisses Dirty Harry off. The killer calls himself Scorpio. The mayor then scolds Dirty Harry reminding him to NOT have an incident like he did last year. We aren't sure what happened but you get the sense that Harry killed someone, which he justified by saying a naked guy chasing a girl in an alley with a butcher knife says intent to rape in my book.

So Harry goes to get a chili dog at a downtown scummy diner. He notices a car parked outside the bank and automatically knows this is a bank robbery, so he has the chef call the police while he eats his chili dog, but then the alarm sounds and he has to go deal with it during his lunch break. We see a guy run out of the bank with a shotgun and he takes a shot at Dirty Harry, who in turns pulls out his 44 Magnum, and shoots the guy. Then another bank robber comes running out and jumps through the open car window, (really cool by the way) and the car speeds off. Harry shoots the car a few times and it wrecks into a fire hydrant, flipping on its side. Harry looks down and notices he was shot by the shot gun, but keeps walking to the first guy he shot, it turns out he's still alive and he's a young Danny Glover! So this is where the famous line comes in, he holds his gun out and Danny Glover is looking at his near by shotgun and thinks about going for it, Clint Eastwood says, "I know what you're thinking. This is a 44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and can blow your head clean off. Did he shoot  6 times or only 5? Well I'll be honest, in all the commotion I don't know either. So you have to ask yourself one question, do I feel lucky? Well do you, punk?" Danny Glover decides he doesn't feel lucky enough to try and as the police pull in Clint just starts walking away but Danny Glover yells back at him saying he needs to know. Clint walks back, aims the gun, cocks it and pulls the trigger. When the gun doesn't go off Harry laughs, meaning the gun was empty the whole time. Really cool famous classic scene.

Dirty Harry is then back at the office and the Lieutenant, another pain in the ass for our hero, says Harry should get a hair cut and Harry is like, I don't have the time. Then they spring a new partner on Dirty Harry, he doesn't want one cause like he said, everyone gets killed when they partner up with me. Annoying as it is to have a rookie college boy tag along, Dirty Harry has no choice.

Dirty Harry is called to a suicide jumper which they thought might be the roof top sniper but it's just some depressed guy and they decide that Dirty Harry would be the perfect guy to go talk him down. So Dirty Harry goes and is like, when you jump don't try to grab on to me, just go ahead and kill yourself. The suicide guy is all like, don't try to stop me! And Harry is like, I just want your name and address because when you jump you're going to be all mashed and I can't read your bloody drivers license. The suicide guy gets all pissed and jumps at Dirty Harry, who grabs him and punches him in the face....why I'm not sure....just because he's awesome like that I guess?

Meanwhile Scorpio is on top of another building reading the local newspaper which took out an ad that basically says, to Scorpio, we will pay you but we need more time, don't kill anyone. And he's all, oh ya right city. He gets his gun out and starts to put it together when a police helicopter shows up and starts yelling at him, so he takes off and they don't catch him.

We find that the next day Scorpio has struck again, this time shooting a 10 year old boy in the face, which was funny how they told Harry about it, "Shot in the face...blew part of it off." (I don't understand all that technical police jargon, but that I got.) Setting a trap is the only way to catch this guy and where else but the same exact roof that they saw him on while in the helicopter! Why? Because out of every single roof top in a city, that is the one he will be at, their explanation...he's a sick person, and that's what they do!

Dirty Harry and his rookie partner are waiting to ambush Scorpio when he shows up that night, which he does and all goes according to plan, only Harry misses several times and Scorpio has a machine gun that he uses to blast his way to freedom. I'm no policeman, but they should have put more than one guy up there with a gun to take down this Scorpio guy. THEY DIDN'T and Scorpio gets away, this time killing an officer on his way out of the building. Now it's personal.

Scorpio strikes yet again, this time he leaves a note for the Mayor, it says he has a girl in an air tight box underground and unless he gets his money she will die. To prove this claim he sends some items with the note, including a yanked tooth. (nothing says I have a girl like sending her molar to the mayor) Dirty Harry sees the tooth and goes, "You know she's dead." They're like, damnit Harry, you and your obvious observations! We are going to do this ransom thing and you're going to be the one to do it! Dirty Harry is the one who will deliver the money in a yellow suitcase so he takes it to the harbor but Scorpio doesn't show. A pay phone rings, again it's 1971 and there were pay phones around back then, Dirty Harry answers it and it's Scorpio who says they will play a game and he only has several minutes to get to the next place or the girl dies, so Harry is running all over town trying to get to the next pay phone. The whole time his partner has been following him around in a car. Dirty Harry finally gets to a giant cross and Scorpio comes out and is like, drop the bag and drop your gun and allow me to punch you in the face a bunch and also I'm going to kill the girl anyway and I'm going to kill you too, just so you know. At that moment Harry's partner shows up blasting away and the ski masked Scorpio starts shooting back, while Harry takes out his switch blade that he had in his sock and stabs Scorpio. The Scorpio guy makes a really weird "I've been stabbed with a switch blade in the leg" noise and takes off through the woods. Dirty Harry does get to his gun and fires it into the darkness because he's not all about identifying his target before he shoots.

Like usual Dirty Harry's superiors are mad cause he did something wrong, and they're all chewing him out cause he disobeyed this and ignored that. BUT they get a lead from a doctor that said they just treated a guy for a stab wound in the leg. Dirty Harry goes and talks to him with some fat cop and the doctor said, oh ya I know that guy, he lives in the stadium next door. So Dirty Harry goes over to the stadium and breaks into the efficiency that is in the bottom of the stadium. Scorpio was just leaving and runs off and there is a chase scene through the dark stadium. The fat cop manages to find the light switch for the entire stadium and turns it on just in time to find Scorpio running across the 50 yard line, he's not fast cause of the stab but he's trying! Dirty Harry just shoots him from across the field and goes up to him, the fat cop is now in the stands and asks if Harry needs help, Dirty Harry says, "GO GET SOME AIR FATSO" I'm not clear on why he was so mean to the fat cop, he was just trying to help. So scorpio is all rolling around and crying how he had been shot and how Dirty Harry tried to kill him and Dirty Harry is all, oh whatever if I wanted to kill you your head would be all over this field....which is true. Dirty Harry starts demanding to know where the girl is but the psycho guy just keeps crying like a little baby and starts to read himself the miranda rights. We then see cops digging up the dead girl as Dirty Harry looks on.

Now we find Dirty Harry in the District Attorney's office and he's going off on him saying how Dirty Harry shouldn't have done all this stuff and the psycho killer had rights and they were violated. Harry is just disgusted but it turns out they have to let Scorpio walk because they didn't have a search warrant. Dirty Harry decides he will follow Scorpio around by himself then because he is SURE he will kill again. But he is told that would be harassment and to just leave him alone and they're pretty sure he won't kill anyone again. Dirty Harry does not follow orders so Scorpio can't go anywhere without be followed, at the park, at the strip club, wherever he goes, there's Dirty Harry. Scorpio goes to an old train yard and pays a black man to kick his ass. He is then on the news all beat up and covered in bandages claiming Dirty Harry is harassing him and beat him up. The chief is now scolding Harry demanding to know if he was followed and if he beat up the Scorpio guy but Dirty Harry says, there's no way he beat him up because his proof is that he looks too pretty.

Scorpio isn't done yet though, oh no, he needs a gun so he goes into a liquor store and is like, hey gimmie some booze, aren't you the guy that gets robbed all the time? And the old liquor store owner is like, "oh ya that's me but now I just shoot them" and he shows Scorpio his gun. Then Scorpio is like, oh please put that away, I scare easily! And smashes the old guy in the head with the booze bottle and steals his gun. He then hijacks a school bus full of children and the bus driver is like, "hey I can't give you a ride!" and Scorpio says, "Just drive you old hag or I'll decorate this bus with your brains." So she starts driving and he's like, LETS SING SOME SONGS KIDS! They start singing old MacDonald and  the bus driver is crying, not sure if it's because she is terrified for her and the children's lives or if their singing sucks.

Well Dirty Harry is back in the Mayor's office and they're like, ok this time we're giving him 200 thousand dollars and a jet plane, Harry,  you can deliver it again. Dirty Harry is like, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??? says, "get yourself another delivery boy," and walks out. Scorpio actually called with the bus driver to demand that stuff and put the bus driver on the phone to prove his story and hostages and the bus driver says, "It's not my fault, he had a gun!" Out of all the things you can say you're just worried about being in trouble at this point lady?? What a bad bus driver all around. So they're driving and Dirty Harry is standing on an over pass and just jumps on the bus roof and Scorpio is like, wo holy crap, so he starts shooting up, then he grabs the wheel and heads for some kind of rock quarry place and wrecks the bus throwing Harry off the roof. He gets out and runs as Dirty Harry follows him.  They shoot and chase each other around the rock factory thingy and finally Scorpio sees a boy fishing and runs up and grabs him and is basically like, I got you now, you have to drop your gun! So Harry gives him the, "oh you got me" face and lowers his gun, then quickly draws it back up and shoots Scorpio in the shoulder. Dirty Harry walks up and Scorpio is going to go for his gun but sees Dirty Harry is pointing his 44 magnum at him and again we get to hear the awesome Dirty Harry line about not sure how many shots he fired and if he feels lucky. Scorpio does in fact feel lucky and goes for his gun, he is then blown away by Dirty Harry, who apparently only had shot 5 times. Dirty Harry then takes out his badge, looks at it, and throws it in the pond. Not sure what this means because there are 4 more movies after this one.

So that is Dirty Harry, a great movie in my opinion if you can get past the fact that it was made in 1971 and I'm sure would have been 100 times better in that year when compared to movies in 2013, and yet, there is something about these classic movies. Now he didn't ever say, "Go ahead, make my day." Which is another mega famous line of Clint Eastwood's and I'm pretty sure it was  a line by Dirty Harry, so it must be in one of the sequels. 

I give the actors an A because they had several great actors including Clint Eastwood and whoever that was that played Scorpio was just amazing as a psycho. I give the plot and story line an A because although nothing new, it really was one of the first for the action cop movie genre. I surprisingly give the music an A because it clearly was like, "Hey it's 1971, not a year before or after" and I can respect that, really set the mood and time period. All in all I clearly now know why Dirty Harry is such a classic and beloved film among people my dad's age. I actually plan to see the rest of the movies in this series. You might like it and you might not, in all this blog posting I kind of got confused myself, so if you're going to watch it and think it will be good you just have to ask yourself one you feel lucky? Well, do ya PUNK? 

Friday, March 1, 2013


I remember the night I got it. My dad drove it to meet us and give it to me. I remember being surprised at how nice I thought it looked at the time, there was no rust, no dents or dings, no duct tape windows or anything like that. For an older car I really expected a lot less. My dad showed me a few things about it and off I went. It was a great feeling, knowing I had my very own car to use as I pleased, finally I could drive to school and stop asking for rides or to borrow my mom's car. It had a red interior and the steering wheel was sticky, ALWAYS, you couldn't clean it off or make it unsticky for some mysterious reason that remains a secret to this very day.

What a bunch of great memories I have of that car. Sure it had its share of problems and I wrecked it the first week I had it. After a new fender, I was back on the road! There was an unknown noise coming from under the dash and my dad told me to turn up the radio to fix that problem. I put a big Penn State symbol magnet on the hood, and when somebody stole it, I noticed the paint had bubbled under the magnet. It had a problem with its hood latch and coming home on I-99 the hood flew up covering my entire view of the road. Once I blew a piston and had a stream of smoke following the car home, but after a quick engine swap and I was back on the road! It would get you from point A to point B....not always on the same trip or under its own power, but still, I digress.

One time I decided I was going to go to a store's parking lot after they closed to hit a shopping cart. (This seemed like a good idea at the time.) Besides, having this on tape was the main purpose and how cool would that be??? So we put a shopping cart all by itself in the middle of the empty parking lot and my friend and I raced towards it at what I called "ramming speed" and at the last second I chickened out and swerved out of the way, the cart still did manage to hit my driver's side mirror, smashing it off completely. We did get that on tape, so it wasn't a total loss.

My car was freedom. I could drive to school and leave school much faster now. I even used it to skip school one day, which would have been much more difficult without my own car. I could give people rides where they wanted to go, especially my girlfriend at the time and her idiotic friends. I could even get it to squeal tires, when it was wet outside anyway. I pegged the speedometer once and it’s the car I was in when I got my first speeding ticket. That cop said I was doing 89mph, which is funny cause the speedometer only goes up to 85 so I don't know where he was getting his numbers from. We even made a body kit for it out of cardboard; I remember that being a hysterical idea at the time. It was the car that took me to my last day of High School and my first day of college.....that's pretty special.

But like all old cars it started to nickel and dime me and from what I remember it was in the shop being worked on more than I had it at home. Driving so far to college every day I needed something more reliable and it was time to look for something a bit newer. The Tempo's story doesn't end there though. It was given to my little sister; she was a senior in High School and got to enjoy the same freedom it had given me a few years earlier. It did break down on her a lot too and once she ran out of gas with it. The Tempo played the same hood latch trick on her, almost causing another accident. It didn't last as long with her and she got a new car too.

The Ford Tempo went on to live out the rest of its days as a parts delivery car for a local auto parts store. I used to see it sitting outside when I would drive by and remember all the good times we had with that car. I haven't seen it sitting there for a while now; unfortunately it's probably a cube somewhere. I would buy back that car in a heartbeat though, just to have it. I'll never forget my first car, sure it wasn't the fastest, or the nicest, or the newest, or the cleanest, or the most reliable.....where am I going with this??? Oh yes, I wouldn't have wanted any other car to be my first than that white 89 Ford Tempo. What a great....good.....decent....adequate....endearing.........memorable car it was.


When I was turning 16 there were a few cars that most of us were getting. Usually a parent was passing down their old family or commuter car to their 16 year old OR they were going out to find a cheap reliable car. These cars were usually right around 10 years old and had never really been all that expensive when the car was new anyway. This formula resulted in several cars for the 16 year olds of the world to choose from and the most common were: the Chevy Cavalier, Beretta, Geo Metro, Mercury Topaz, Ford Escort, Dodge Colt, and the Ford Tempo. Now the Ford Tempo and the Mercury Topaz was the same car. There were several of us in high school that had one of these two cars, (I can think of 5 of us off the top of my head.)

The Ford Tempo was a 4 door car, it was a family car, it was cheap, it was good, and it’s life span was about 10-15 years before it crapped out on you. It’s rare to see one still on the road to this day but once in a great while you’ll pass one, full of rust and multicolored. The white Ford Tempo that awaited me was an 89, and that made it 12 years old, I can’t remember the miles it had but it was only 1,000 dollars. My dad said,  ”It's a thousand dollar junker, they used to call them 100 dollar junkers years ago but I guess 100 dollar junkers cost 1000 dollars today.”

The mighty Ford Tempo, as you can see here, was often in this position for me, with its hood up being worked on.  It wasn't so bad, 5 dollars could take the gas tank from E to full, of course gas was 89 cents a gallon back then. It was a 4 cylinder engine so it was pretty good on gas, even though that wasn't all that important 15 years ago. It had all wheel drive, which was nice becasue it actually came in handy on the icy snowy roads of PA. But the most important part of the Ford Tempo was that it was my first car.


Your first car. You'll never forget it. You probably miss it because you probably don't have it anymore. Very few of us are lucky enough or privileged enough to be handed the keys to our dream car for our 16th birthday. Many of us get the family car as a "hand me down" car from our parents. Most of us, however, get the cheapest piece of crap money can buy! This is how I got my first car, it certainly wasn't my dream car and it certainly wasn't expensive but I certainly will never forget it. This then, is it's story.

I'm 3 years younger than my older sister. When she turned 16 my dad got her an old Jeep Renegade from some college kid. (A renegade was the precursor to the wrangler) My sister didn't want it because it was a stick shift and was "dirty looking." Feeling a bit offended I remember my dad saying, FINE THEN, ANDREW CAN HAVE IT WHEN HE TURNS 16. This thrilled me because I could have cared less, I wanted anything that I could sit in and would move. It was green, and red, and a the tail gate was screwed shut to hold it together. There were many holes in it that needed patched but it had really nice speakers in it. For 3 years it sat in my grandfather's garage and I would sit in that Jeep, never running it or getting to driving it, pretending to drive around but the whole time knowing someday it would be mine. I turned 16 and before I could get my license my dad sold the Jeep to someone for parts. No idea whatever happened to that Jeep but I was pretty disapointed.

I didn't care what kind of car I got as long as it was mine. I was tired of driving my mom's car around and not getting to use it when I wanted it. My dad took me to look at a cheap old car, I couldn't even tell you what it was, I just remembered it was gold in color. It was night time and I think it was raining too and I had to either hold the door shut or get in from the passenger side door or something like that but the bottom line was, my dad was willing to buy this car for me on the spot and I could have my very own car that night. It just didn't feel right and beggers can't be choosy but I passed on it, wondering if I had made a big mistake.

Very close to my dad's house was a very small used car lot. It usually had around 6-10 cars at a time, as I said, very small. A white Ford Tempo showed up one day for 1,000 dollars. My dad called me and asked if I would be interested in that car.