Saturday, September 6, 2014


So I decided to talk a little bit about that famous Andrew Lloyd Webber classic, "Phantom of the Opera." He didn't write this or even come up with the idea for it actually, in fact nothing good he does is original come to think of it...but he did write the music for it. Phantom of the Opera was a silent movie years  and years ago, that gives you some idea of how old it is. I'm going to discuss it but from my point of view. SPOILER ALERT: I will discuss the ending and secrets.

The phantom of the Opera is about these two dudes that just bought a new opera house theater thing and they're like, "Oh cool, we're gonna be rich now cause we are going to put on some operas!" Phantom of the Opera, btw, is a musical not an opera but how ironic is that? Anyway, these two guys are checking out a rehearsal of their first performance they will be putting on and there is this really bitchy diva lady that is their top woman. She's the "fat lady" from the old saying, "It ain't over until the fat lady sings." Not sure if the character is always portrayed as a fat woman so I'll go ahead and apologize to the actress that was playing her the night I went to see it. Sorry, you did a good job! She's all important and annoying but they love her because she is good at what she does. Then all of a sudden this crap from the ceiling falls almost killing her! And everyone is like, "It's that damn ghost again!" And the two dudes are like, "wait ghost what now??" And the former owner of the opera is like, "GOOD LUCK BITCHES!!!"

People start to say there is a phantom of that opera house and if you anger him he will mess you up. Well the two dude guys are like, "Hey, this is sum bullshit here, we didn't buy a ghost, all we wanted was to put on operas!" They don't really believe in him but almost everyone else there does. So the diva fat woman (again sorry ma'am) is like, "Hey screw this job, I'm tired of almost being killed by some dumb idiot ghost guy, I quit until you fix this problem!" And the two dudes are like, "Oh that's just great, our best singer just walked out on us just because she almost died today at work!" Then this little girl, (again, not sure if the character or just the actress was little) comes out and is like, "Oh dudes, the best singer is one of your dancers and she just has to prove it to you by singing so please let her!" That's where Christine comes in, she's the main character and I guess her dad was a famous musician or something? She starts singing and the two dudes are like, "Man, she's pretty damn good! Who cares about that fat woman, this is the star of the show right here!" And there is a cool transition singing part that shows she is in the lead of the opera and everyone thinks she is great.

Then this other guy named Raoul is in a balcony watching her and he's like, "Oh no shit! That's that girl I used to know and now I like her!" So he goes and talks to her and wants to be with her and she's like, "There is an angel of music that my dead dad sent me and he is helping me to be a great singer, just don't piss him off." The other dude is like, "Ok you're crazy but hot so I'm in love with you and screw this angel of music guy and let's go party!" Well this doesn't make the Phantom of the Opera happy! He gets all jealous and pissy and plans to just kidnap Christine for some reason.

This is the cool part of the show with the best song as far as I'm concerned. Oh wait, I forgot about the beginning! So in the beginning I'm confused because it takes place way after the musical you are about to watch happens, so the whole time we are all watching a flashback story. But it starts out with them auctioning off old crap from that opera house and they're like, "CHECK OUT THE CHANDELIER, IT USED TO BE OLD BUT NOW IT'S AWESOME AGAIN!" And the music starts and its a really cool intro for a musical I have to say.

So any ways the Phantom takes Christine down into his dungeon lair hell hole shitty apartment and is like, "This is where I live and I'm your angel of music, thanks for coming along with me when I came out of your mirror no questions asked!" He's all, "start singing" and she does, never asks why or whatever then goes to sleep in his bed. I thought that was odd, she just gets tuckered out and takes a little nap. Meanwhile, the Phantom is being a jerk by writing music and singing and the whole time I'm like, "Wo wait, she's trying to sleep you ass!"

She wakes up and is like, "let me check out the gross half of your face!" I can honestly say we are all wondering what's under that cool mask but he is a bit sensitive being a freak of nature and all and he throws this big hissy fit and I'm thinking, "Well this is what you get for kidnapping someone AND for trusting the outside world, as you should have known, we will NOT accept you."

The two owners of the opera are enjoying prosperity because everyone loves Christine and thinks she's just the best but the Phantom keeps sending them notes on how they should be doing stuff and they're like, "geez, screw this guy, enough with the notes and orders already!" So they ignore them and keep doing what they want and the Phantom is like, "Welp, I'll just kill someone to prove I'm not joking around here." He hangs the janitor or whatever and everyone is freaking out but he's all calm about it like, "what?? I'm a hideous monster! What did you expect? I don't care what you think about me!"

Now the people want the Phantom dead and are convinced he is real and they should be terrified of him but the whole time Raoul, the guy that is dating Christine, is like, "I bet it's just some ugly guy in a mask and cape and I ain't afraid of no ghost!" People are like, no way man, that ghost will mess you up! So he asks the dance teacher because she seems like she knows everything about him, which made me wonder if she was in on anything. Guess not though, she tells his story and I'll do my best to relate what she said:
             "This ugly freak was born once and they stuck him in a cage and made him travel around with a freak show for a circus. But he wasn't just ugly, he was also talented! He could make inventions and stuff and he was very musically inclined as far as freaks go. But like most circus folk, he had a bad temper and anger issues and I think he may have killed some people." 

They keep getting these notes from the Phantom and in the current opera its like, "Make the big fat lady a silent part and make Christine the star." And they're like, "Oh whatever jerk, we're going to do the opposite!" This part was great and really funny, it is actually my favorite part of the whole thing. Somehow Phantom messes with the fat lady's voice and she can't go on and the whole opera is ruined and they are all mad and stuff and then the Phantom is like, "Oh you don't like that? Well I have something worse."

 Well the cranky-ol Phantom decides no one is listening to him and he is SO upset, how upset is he? Upset enough to drop a chandelier! And he does. It's actually a really cool part of the show because they really do drop a massive chandelier and it's over the actual audience and you just know half of them crapped their pants. People in the theater actually screamed out, it was pretty awesome. 

Christine finally tells Raoul about the Phantom and Raoul is like, "Don't worry, I'll kick his ass if he comes near you again." But he also proclaims his love to her and Christine is like, "Oh ya, I love you too." The Phantom over hears this because he is hiding behind a statue and he is like, "Oh Raoul you are SOOoooo freakin dead....."  and we're all thinking, "You know what? This could be a pretty good fight." Now it is time for intermission AND my intermission report!

Ok well so far at this part we have established all the characters and what they're about. We know the Phantom is the bad guy but we're not sure why at this point because it seems like the classic tale of man trying to get woman by using them. The bathroom lines are ridiculously long and I really suggest just skipping them or peeing your pants. You can also use a handicap bathroom when no one is looking. I watched someone do that several times. You can get something to eat or drink at this point but watch out the prices are INSANE! I shouldn't complain, if you're wearing a tux to watch a musical, then I assume  you'll pay 6 dollars for a Pepsi. (actual price)  

The show starts and it's my favorite song from the whole thing, "Masquerade." You'll know its called that because they sing that word about 100 times in it, also its the same song that the musical mechanical monkey plays. (You'll understand what that means when you watch it) They are having a big party because the Phantom has left them alone for a long time and everyone thinks he is gone. Christine and Raoul reveal they are engaged no one but themselves. See, Christine knows the Phantom will be pissed if he finds out so she comes up with this stupid idea of a "secret engagement." Oh yes Christine, this is believable! A girl that wants NO ONE to know about their engagement! No flaws in this plan! No girl ever wants to tell every single other girl and human being about how they are now engaged! No girl ever talks about their upcoming wedding with anyone either. Yes, Raoul will just fall for this load of crap. Well turns out, he does. He even says, "I can only hope I understand in time." Really? How much time do you need? The engagement might be over by that time and you'll be married idiot!

Anyway, awesome entrance at this point. As the great Masquerade song comes to an end, and all the rich jerks are having their party, the song goes directly into the Phantom theme and it's loud and in your face and the door busts open and the Phantom comes in and they're all like, "OH SHIT!" Really one of the best entrances of all time. And he's all cool and is like, "Oh what, you thought I was gone? Well too bad jackasses! Not only am I here, but I have written you an opera and you better preform it or I'll break more than that Chandelier." They know he isn't kidding because he already killed a guy once and had a few more failed attempted murders.

Turns out the Phantom's opera sucks. They can't sing it and they all hate it and I agree with them, it really wasn't all that good. Yet, they're terrified if they don't do it, they're all going to die, so what choice do you have in a situation like that? Now Raoul is convinced the little freak boy is who the Phantom really is and he plans to catch him so he sets up a trap during the Phantom's opera. I also believe the the Phantom made this opera just as an excuse to hit on Christine.

The musical was getting long at this point and I don't remember much about how he escapes but whatever he does he again kidnaps Christine and takes her his underground hide-out. The dance instructor is like, "Ok Raoul, I'll show you where he lives but I'm not going down there!" So Raoul goes down to find her and tangle with the Phantom. It's a cool part because they have a fight and I have to say I was a little bit disappointed in the Phantom's fighting, I felt like he should have really had super-human strength or something like that. However, let us not forget he was into music and not sports. Just as we think Raoul is going to keep wailing on the Phantom, he falls for a trap and the Phantom hangs him with a magic rope thing. Pretty cool by the way. So Raoul is standing there all tied up by the neck and gagging and Phantom is all calm and collected and is like, "Well I'll kill him whenever I get around to it. BUT FIRST, I need Christine to choose either me or him." She's like, "Seriously? I have to choose one of you? Why is it even a choice! I totally picked Raoul over you from the start you moron, I only used you for the singing lessons and help to become famous and then, I went for the rich handsome guy, what the hell am I choosing???" She didn't say any of that, but I could see it in her eyes. She says she chooses the horrid Phantom IF he just lets Raoul go. This makes the Phantom realize a few things, and I can't say what they are???

Theory 1. Some people think that at that moment he realizes he has been a joke this whole time and never was in the running for Christine and had been played, so like a fool, he will just go ahead and let them both go as one of those, "Ok, you got me! I'll be a good sport about it though," kind of things.

 Theory 2. Some people think that at that moment he realizes how much Christine loves Raoul, that she is willing to end up living in a sewer married to a monster just to let the other guy live. Knowing how strong that love is, he decides to let them go because he doesn't have the same thing with Christine yet it is what he wanted.

Theory 3. Some people think that at that moment he realizes he clearly isn't her first choice and he doesn't want to be second place loser, so he lets them both go, knowing he wasn't picked even though she says, I choose you Phantom.

I can't say what the reason is but he just kinda tells them to get out of his basement room thing because the angry mob is breaking his door down. Not sure why he felt the need to help them, "escape" it's not like the mob would have killed Christine or her secret fiancee, they were there to save them! But he is like, GO SAVE YOURSELVES!!! And they go and he just lies on the floor all sad and pathetic playing with his toy monkey. As it plays he actually starts to slowly sing the masquerade song and many people in the audience at this point went, "OHHHH, IT WAS THAT SONG."  So then the mob breaks down his door and they charge in and we are all thinking, "Well this looks like the end for our gentle murderer. Poor guy." They grab him and he just kinda bends over and hides in his cloak all shameful and defeated and they drag him out to center stage and then BAM!!! His cloak falls to the floor, completely empty!!! It was REALLY cool and so bad-ass that he escapes like that. All that remains on his empty cloak piled up on the floor is his mask. The crowd all gasped at that part and then started clapping. 

And so that is the Phantom of the Opera according to how I see it. I love how the bad guy gets away in the end and I'm not sure he even was the bad guy. So he killed a few people, who can say they haven't done the same thing?? Sure he was just using a girl because he was obsessed over her but again, who hasn't done that before? I really think this is time's oldest tale, guy likes girl, guy obsesses over girl, guy gives girl stuff she wants, girl leads guy on, guy really obsesses over girl and starts to scare her, girl meets better guy but continues to reap the benefits of the first guy, guy starts to get wise to the girl so he gets possessive, girl starts to find a way out, guy gets really possessive, girl finally leaves guy breaking his heart but comes back with the classic "what did you expect? You're a freak." I've seen it a 100 times.....

I say go see the Phantom of the Opera if you like the following: Freaks in masks, capes, singing, operas, musicals, chandeliers, and toy monkeys. You'll be glad you did but that's just my two cents. 

The ending was pretty awesome since he gets away and does it in such a cool way but I think it would have been slightly cooler if at that point when he disappears you all of a sudden start to hear his evil laughter all loud and echoing and the mob is looking all around confused and scared and then they hit the first few notes of that awesome Phantom theme, then the curtain comes down. Didn't happen that way but I think that would have been pretty pleasing to the crowd.