Thursday, December 24, 2009

STORY; How the Heather Stole Christmas

Way down in Georgia, where the peaches grow lived a happy family stringing up the mistletoe. This family liked Christmas a lot but the Heather who lived with them did not. "All the singing and presents tied up with string annoys me so much i dont want to give a thing!" Cried the angry Heather grumpy as a horse, she hated her happy family without remorse. "The worst are my two little nieces, i should jump up and down on their gifts and rip them to pieces!" No one quite knows why the Heather hated Christmas night, perhaps it was because her bra was two sizes too tight. Maybe it was because nail polish fumes went to her brain or maybe she sat on a big candy cane. Why Heather hated Christmas is still unknown but it probably has to do with the bill for her cell phone. "I can't take this holiday for one more year!" Yelled the cranky pants, "I'll stop Christmas from coming and then do a dance!" Then that mean old Heather do you know what she did? She got an idea, a horrible mean rotton idea that will make you flip your lid. "Oh I'll just stop Christmas from coming this year and then the only presents my family will get is a big fat tear!" The Heather went back to her cave (garage) and started to put her plan into action! Making a Chris Cringle suit so she could ruin her family's holiday would give her satisfaction. Pepper, Sable and Max had sticks tied to their heads as her innocent nieces slept soundly in their beds. Off she rode in a sleigh made from clay, off to her brother's house laughing all the way. She slunk up to the house, so quiet it was even for a mouse. She looked in the window where there was a perfect picture of Christmas cheer but she would ruin this image to make them think Santa was never here! "It's time for me to do my worst, these stupid looking stockings will go first!" Growled the rude Heather, moving around the house as light as a feather. The Heather worked liked fire, taking all she saw that big fat liar! She took their presents and their decorations, she took their holly leaf, why that stingy old Heather even took their roast beef! Heather took a Christmas cup then she would go to the chimmeny and stuff the crap up.
All of a sudden there was a small noise from above, soft like the coo of a dove. It was her baby niece who woke up, she came into the living room and said, "Sup." Heather began to sweat and shiver, what lie could she quickly deliver. "Why Santa, why are you taking our Christmas tree?" We all know Heathers are creative and she could lie on the spot, she came up with a perfect story to tell the tot. "This tree is too small for such a nice kid, I''ll go get you a bigger one and thats what i do done did." Fooling a small child is as easy as 1,2,3 and Heather secured her taking their tree. "Alright Santa, that sounds great, by the way, did you lose some weight?" "Why yes little girl i lost some weight, yet it didnt help me find a date..." With that the girl went back to bed, Heather wouldn't have to knock her over the head. She got back to work right away, destroying her family's Christmas day. And when she had finished the job she left the house and twisting the door knob. All she left on their walls was black spray paint that says, "you suck," and some hooks and wire not even adding up to a buck. She laughed and giggled as her dogs pulled the sleigh, "Now try to have a nice Christmas day!" Nearly dawn when Max let out a yawn, but the Heather was wide awake, she wanted to laugh so hard she would shake. "They'll be waking up right about now and I know just what they'll do, they'll come out of their rooms and say, boo hoo hoo!" She put her hand up to her ear and listened for a hear. Then she heard a sound but it wasn't that bad, no, it was a happy sound, not sad. "Those pukes! They sings! I took their Christmas, I took their things!" Heather tried to stop Christmas from coming but she could not, Christmas is more than gifts and food it can't be bought. "Maybe Christmas," said the Heather, "Means much more, perhaps its the thought?" And some say, what happened that day, on mount deer gut, was Heathers bra burst open as if it were cut. She got a massive smile on her cute face and she realized what she had done was a disgrace. "I will return these presents to my family, ill be such a hero, they will rate me at 10 and not a zero!" Heather flew down the mountain side happy with glee to return the gifts to her big family. And Heather, was the happiest of all because she learned Christmas doesn't come from the mall. Heather learned the true meaning of Christmas is inside each one of us, there is no need to be stressed and make a fuss. Heather had the best Christmas ever that day and her Christmas spirit lasted through the month of may. Her family loves her just the same, even if their Christmas never came. THE END

Sunday, December 13, 2009


ARIES: You're the kind of person that annoys everyone around you. Avoid social gatherings because although you get an invite, its only out of pity and you aren't really welcome. Suicide is still your best option at this point.

TAURUS: You may find yourself at odds at work and home when you find out your spouse is cheating on you with your boss. Getting upset won't help the situation, just accept the fact that you're a loser. A new career is in your future....because your boss is going to fire you.

GEMINI: Explosive diarrhea will continue to plague your love life, not that it really had much effect on it anyway. You will finally find the source of that horrid smell coming from your bedroom. You will find your long lost cat, in your bedroom. Allow the stars to guide you, they can't mess up any worse than you already have yourself.

CANCER: Your patience for that promotion at work is finally paid off when someone else gets the job. Expect travel in your near future as you take a trip to the state prison on fraud charges. Take comfort in knowing you were innocent of the crime. The stars predict a new lover comes into your life.

LEO: Your sex drought finally comes to an end when you're raped by a bigfoot. Nobody believes your story and you will end up in a mental hospital where killing yourself won't be easy. Better tie up all loose ends before your camping trip.

VIRGO: Spend time with the person that means the most to you, your hand. The stars predict a harsh winter for you, your food stores have not been filled as much as they should have been. Last minute acorns can be found under your neighbors tree, he is feeling trigger happy today.

LIBRA: Go ahead with your big idea, even if people call you crazy, insane, stupid, dumb, ugly, gay, retarded, moronic and smelly. A large sum of money is in your future when you get fined by the police for mooning them and then lying about it being a weather experiment.

SCORPIO: Get that costly sex change you've been after, you aren't fooling anybody. Eat hamburgers until you have the answer that you've been waiting for. Look for a LEO to really piss you off today, and tomorrow and the next day.

Sagittarius: Cancel that big trip, you have to plan for a funeral. Spend your life savings on something fun but don't go overboard, no one likes a show off. The stars show a lot of confusion has entered your life, to clear this up ignore everything important to you.

CAPRICORN: How many times do you have to fail before you just give up? At least once more say the stars. The cosmic powers have had enough of your pathetic attempts at trying to make something of yourself. Go to that special spot you like to spend time in and stay there for a week.

AQUARIUS: Food and water is overrated, do what you want to do even if it means jail time. Blame others around you for your short comings. You will step in dog poop and track it into your important interview which will ruin your chances of getting that new, better, good job.

Pisces: It's all over. You're going to die, sure we all are but a lot sooner and quicker for you. It will be painful and terrible and there is no way around this. Crying about it won't solve anything, suck it up you big cry baby. After all you are doing the world a favor. Say goodbye to your true love, your goldfish.