Wednesday, October 29, 2014


Halloween is upon us again. A time for tricks, treats, and candy. But above all these, is candy. If you're like me or the average 13 year old, you have enough money to buy candy on your own in pretty much any store out there,'re going to go door to door begging for it like some homeless bum, aren't you? Don't be ashamed! Be ashamed of how much you paid for that Olaf Snowman costume that you're going to wear with your daughters as they go trick-or-treating.

Here are some CHEAP costume ideas that won't have your bank account frozen in fear! (over drafts) All you will need is a black blanket and maybe one or two household items and you can make your Halloween dreams into Halloween fun!

Find a black blanket and tie it around your neck.....the tighter the better. You have a black cape! Now you are ready for a ton of different costumes! The first of which is that famous Halloween classic, The Headless Horseman! Just tell people that it was BEFORE he lost his head.

Keeping the cape on, use some eye liner and draw a black mask around your eyes. There won't be much eye liner left, but what is left over use to draw a thin mustache and you have an instant Zorro! You can find black eye liner where your wife or girlfriend keeps her makeup. Don't tell her what you're using it for or she won't let you waste it.

Ever wonder what to do with that broken plate?? Just add it to your black cape and you have Andrew Lloyd Webber's singing jerk, the Phantom of the Opera! This costume is only cost effective IF you already have a broken white plate. Breaking a plate for this costume might be fun but it isn't as cheap as it could be. Just draw an eye hole with that eye liner makeup and the mask is complete. Take some duct tape and wrap it around your head and you'll be ready to terrorize the neighborhood!

Do you have a lazy child? Sure we all do. After the first 3 houses your little brat is going to be whining about how tired or cold or bored they are. You COULD smack them OR you could turn them into a costume, which is even better! Take that black cape idea and give your child a piggy back ride. Just keep the cape over your kid as your carry them around. Walk with a limp and the illusion is complete! You're a hunch back with a living, breathing, annoying hump!

Let's say you have a lazy kid but they are too lazy to hold on to your back for the Hunchback costume idea. Put your blanket down on the ground and have them sit in the middle. Take the four corners and bring them together over the child's head and pick it up like a satchel. Now carry them over your shoulder and you'll be the best kidnapper in town! You'll get double the candy too!

Are you hairy? Do you have red hair? Do you have milky-white skin? If you answered YES to any or all of these questions then I have the perfect cheap costume idea for you! Take that black blanket and this time tie it around your waist, not your throat. Next, take off your shirt. Voila! You are an Irish guy from Ireland! Tell people it's a kilt because they'll ask why you're wearing a skirt.

Remember that terrifying movie E.T.? I still get chills just thinking of that horrible monster! Well now you can freak out your neighbors with my cheap E.T. costume! Take that blanket again, or any blanket and put it over your head and poke your face through. Now find any old cardboard box, it doesn't even have to be yours, there are a ton of these things just lying around dumpsters behind department stores. (Make sure you aren't stealing a homeless guy's house) Pull the box up to your waist and there you have it! E.T. when he was riding in the bike basket!

Nothing says Halloween like that saint, Mother Teresa. For this costume you will need to follow the steps for the E.T. costume minus the box. That's what I call cheap and easy Mother Teresa!

All hail mighty Caesar in all his glory!  Take off your shirt and pants. Take that blanket again or any blanket and tie it around your neck. Slip one of your arms through the neck hole for a toga! Find any bush outside and pull some leaves off and stick them behind your ears for the perfect Julius Caesar costume! You'll look so much like Caesar that you'll have to keep checking behind your back to make sure Brutus isn't coming to stab your ass!

Take that blanket again and tie it around your crotch and waist for a big diaper looking thing. Now you are a sumo wrestler! This works better the fatter you are, HOWEVER, if you're skinny just tell people that you're a sumo wrestler in training. Then go get some of that free candy!

If white ghosts are scary, then an invisible ghost must be ten times scarier! (math may be incorrect) Just put that black blanket over your body and cut some eye holes. A black colored blanket ghost makes you invisible in the pitch black night time! You'll be haunting the neighborhood all night long as you walk down the middle of the street!

Truly there isn't anything more terrifying than the thought of a Kardashian sister coming into your room at night to kill you in your sleep. Be the most terrifying and popular person on your block with this cheap costume idea! Take your black blanket and a rubber band (gum band if you live in Pittsburgh, PA). Wrap the blanket around your head and hold it in place with the rubber band. Now it looks like you have long black hair! Make sure when you talk you use the word, "like," in every sentence and you'll be mistaken for one of those bitchy, undeserving, spoiled Karashian sisters all night long!

Not the super hero but the human bat person YOU'RE going to be! Take the black blanket and tie it around your neck. Grab the two ends with your two free hands and hold on. Flap as you walk. You're a big black human bat! You can also bring some fruit and say you're a fruit bat.

Here's a great idea! Take a blanket and spread it out on the floor. Lie down on one end of it and hold on. Then roll yourself up like a giant fruit roll up and you magically become, The Human Enchilada! You can also call yourself the Human Fruit Roll Up, so it's really two costumes in one.

BEER BELLY BOY (or girl)
What is as sad as a big old beer gut on a depressed middle aged man?? Not sure, but now you can be that man for Halloween! Take your blanket and roll it up into a big ball and place it under your shirt. A white wife beater or tank top works the best. Mess up your hair and bring a beer can as you go from door to door and your costume is complete!

Take the Beer Belly Boy costume and add a hat.

Take the blanket and do your best to stuff it down the front of your pants. It will be difficult to get it all in but once you do you have a Halloween costume for the ages! People will notice your massive bulge right away and will surely ask what you're supposed to be. Just smile and say, "I'm the world's luckiest man."

First, take the black blanket or any blanket and cut a hole it big enough to stick your head through. Next, stick your head through. A perfect Clint Eastwood from such movies as, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, and A Fist Full of Dollars. You can use a cigarette too and not shaving for a couple of days helps. NOTE: There is no need to bring a gun with your for this costume but it helps if you want more candy.

All we have to fear, is fear itself, AND high prices for Halloween costumes, itself! Is what that cripple Roosevelt would be saying if he were still alive today, God rest his soul. F.D.R. was a great president but he will make an even better Halloween costume! This one isn't so easy because you'll need a wheelchair to pull it off. Kindly ask grandma for the use of her wheelchair for the night or just dump her out of it. Borrow her glasses and put that black blanket over your legs for the best F.D.R. costume anywhere!

Gandhi was known as one of the most spiritual and peaceful people the earth has ever known. Who better to imitate and make fun of on Halloween?!?! The costume is simple, take a blanket and wrap yourself in it and put on a pair of glasses. Use a pair of sunglasses to go as, "Cool Gandhi," and girls wear this outfit without anything else and go as, "MaHOTma Gandhi."

All this talk about Gandhi has made me think of another great cheap costume! Cut the blanket in half. Wrap half of it around your waist for a diaper effect and wrap your head with the other half to create a turban. Use a paper towel roll as a flute and you're a stereotypical snake charmer from India! You'll be charming people out of their candy throughout the night!

We lost a lot of lives in the Civil War but its loss was your gain because it gave me an idea for a Halloween costume! If your blanket is white cut it into strips. Tie these strips on various body parts such as, your arms, your legs, and around your head. You can add ketchup for fake blood stains if you want. Show  your support of the North or South with this creative cheap costume! 

Well I hope I gave you some good cheap Halloween costumes. I really got tired of typing out Halloween so I'm not going to say it one more time! Happy October Holiday!

Thursday, October 16, 2014


We all know what a, "Bridezilla" is but have you ever heard of a Groomzilla??? Well you're going to. I plan to be the biggest groomzilla the world has ever seen, and that pretty much means I'll be the first. I plan to put all Brides that have ever been called a, "Bridezilla," to shame! Here is what's in store for my groomsmen, a grueling and terrifying around the clock job to be at the beck and call of this self proclaimed Groomzilla. Pay attention to the wedding day itinerary that I have mapped out for the Groom slaves.

January 17, 2015

7:00 am: I must be woken up WITHOUT an alarm clock. I demand that my groomsmen enter my sleeping chamber, (which they will build weeks prior to the wedding) as silent as they can, and then slowly whisper my name, each time getting louder and louder until I wake up. They will then run out and announce to everybody that the Groom has woken after a peaceful nights rest. I demand clapping at this point.

7:01 am: The Best Man must turn up the heat in my room by 3 degrees.

7:04 am: Four of my groomsmen will grasp each corner of my blanket and remove it from me. The heat that had been turned up was so that it would not be too cold on my uncovered body. A groomsman will remove my sleeping cap while two other groomsmen will pull down my silk sleeping gown, having been sewn together the night before. I will then be carried by as many as it takes to my shower of previously collected rain water from the amazon jungle. Before I enter the bathroom the groomsmen will get down on their hands and knees and vigorously rub the tile floor so that the friction heats it up for my feet.

7:05 am: My groomsmen will wash me in the shower using the rainwater and Irish Spring soap, actually from Ireland and not Wal-mart. I don't want this to be awkward so each groomsman must act pleasantly surprised at the sight of my naked body and give me an individual compliment that can not be the same as one of the other compliments. My hair must be shampooed with a combination of the 3 most expensive shampoos from the most expensive hair salon in downtown New York City. After the shower, two groomsmen will dry me off using brand new red velvet towels with my initials stitched in gold, which will be immediately incinerated after I am dry so that no one can ever use these towels again. The 5 groomsmen will then take ancient Japanese fans, from Japan, and fan me for 5 more minutes to give me that, air dry feeling! The fans will also be incinerated after use.

7:20 am: Each groomsman will take a pair of tiny scissors and clip each leg hair and arm hair to the exact same size so that I have uniform hair all over my body. Once this is complete the Best Man will give me a ritual bikini zone waxing because I plan to wear a speedo, and only a speedo, at certain parts of the reception.

7:35 am: My deep tissue masseuse will promptly arrive, IF he is one second late the groomsmen will gang tackle him and give him a warning beating lasting 6 minutes, blunt objects are welcomed. IF he arrives on time he will be shown into my deep tissue massage chamber, (also previously built by the groomsmen) where I will be waiting. The groomsmen will surround the masseuse and watch him so he cannot try anything funny while giving me my massage.

7:50 am: After the massage is complete all 5 of my groomsmen will rub my body down with a mixture of Red Ocher and sheep tail's fat, the same exact mix as Shaka Zulu was rubbed down with every morning.

8:00 am: I will be dressed in a brand new outfit bought by the Best Man from Macy's, the one in New York City, not the mall. My underwear must be ironed and microwaved before the groomsmen put it on me. I will then be led back into my bed so I can have breakfast in bed.

8:05 am: Breakfast will be served to me on a silver platter with one of those cover things. The breakfast will consist of one pound of bacon, a half pound of sausage links, two scrambled eggs and two sunny side up eggs with the yolk just dippy enough for my wheat toast with real butter, a half a glass of orange juice and a half a glass of milk. Each glass must be half FULL not half empty because it is  my wedding day and I don't want to be pessimistic. The eggs must be farm fresh eggs collected from chickens that have been lovingly named by the farmer's daughters and only good names like, Henrietta, or Mother Clucker. After the breakfast is complete I shall be presented with a Ring-Necked pheasant egg white omelet that I will not eat but appreciate greatly. There will be no left overs and the groomsmen will lick the plates clean before washing them and then putting them into the dishwasher.

8:35 am: I will now be changed into a golf outfit for my yearly wedding day golf outing. My groomsmen will dress me in stupid golf pants, a pale yellow collard polo shirt, white golf shoes, and a stupid golf visor. One of my groomsmen will then present me with a funny bumper sticker that says, "I would rather be driving a Titleist." We will all laugh and enjoy the joke but I will not put it on my car.

8:45 am: The limo will arrive at precisely 8:45 so that the door is opened for me the second my groomsmen open the front door, allowing me to get into the limo as fast as possible and I will be led with two of my groomsmen holding my hands. Also the limo driver must be a Jim Carrey impersonator playing the role of Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber when he was a limo driver. He will also deliver all the famous lines in perfect comedic timing. IF he is unsatisfactory to me the groomsmen will call in the stand-by alternate Jim Carrey impersonator to replace the first.

9:30 am: We will arrive at the golf course and my groomsmen will open the door for me and bow as I step out of the limo. They should have already placed a red carpet and paid some fake paparazzi to act like I'm a big deal. As I walk into the country club I will act pissed at all the flash photography and I will make rude comments to them saying stuff like, "get a real job," and, "I just want to live my life without you people hounding me all damn day."

9:44 am: Our Tee time will be set for 9:44 because 9 plus 4 plus 4 is 17, which is the date of my wedding. The Best Man will pay the starter to compliment me on my golf swing, even when I miss the ball completely a few times before hitting it out of bounds. I also want him to say something bad about Tiger Woods, this will be his choice and harshness of comment will be based on how much the Best Man has compensated him. During the golf game that I will end up winning because the groomsmen will throw the game for me, they will clap every time I hit the ball and cheer every time I make a putt. I also demand that every time the ball is in the air, they start yelling excitedly while making outlandish remarks that it is going to be a hole in one.

11:30 am: After the golf game the groomsmen will treat me to a congratulatory drink in the clubhouse and tell me how they each played the best game of their lives but it was no match for my playing. I also want shaking of their heads and looks of utter disappointment and embarrassment. The Best Man will then buy me lunch in the clubhouse. The light lunch will consist of a BLT, with Vermont cheddar cheese and pickles on the side, Arnold Palmer half and half ice tea lemonade, delivered by Robert Palmer on a silver platter, and a side of apple wood smoked bacon. The apple wood must be several 100 years old and be from an apple tree planted by Jonny Appleseed himself. On the limo ride back to the house the groomsmen will continue to shake their heads in disbelief on the amazing game I just played, commenting often about how shocking it was and how badly they were beaten.

1:35 pm: We will arrive back at the house and the groomsmen will surround me as I get out of the limo and make my way to the front door, one on each side, one in the front and one in the back. The Best Man will walk backwards behind this group with a gun for extra protection and to look cool if the neighbors are watching. The neighbors will be watching because the limo driver will honk his horn incessantly as he pulls up to the house.

1:37 pm: The groomsmen will prepare my sleeping chamber for my afternoon pre-wedding power nap. They will cover a leather sofa with soft knitted wool blankets made from New Zealand sheep. Forming the blankets into a nest, I will take a nap and the groomsmen will then have time to write their speeches. They will also stand guard at the sound proof door so that no one can disturb me.

2:05 pm: The groomsmen will wake me from my nap with a special, "nap is over," theme written just for me and only used for this exact moment. The focus of the song will be on pumping me up for the wedding. 3 groomsmen will pull me from the nest and strip me out of my velveteen sleeping sack. The groomsmen will now inspect their tuxedos using magnifying glasses and covering every single square inch to look for white hairs. If a white hair is found it will be pulled off with tweezers and taken outside so it can not get on a tux again. After inspection of their own tuxedos the groomsmen will collectively inspect mine, ensuring it is 100% clean. All 5 groomsmen will now dress me. They will start by putting on my socks, then my bow tie, and so on in that fashion until I am completely dressed. Meanwhile one groomsman will have let in the crowd so they can cheer for me during this dressing process. The theme from Voltron will be played and the Best Man will announce each article of clothing as it is being placed on me so it sounds like what is said during the forming of Voltron.

2:25 pm: The groomsmen will saran wrap me before leaving the front door, not only does this keep the freshness in, but it will keep the tuxedo clean between the house and the church. Arriving at the church the groomsmen will sing a song made up for me and my entrance into the church to the tune of that, "Prince Ali," song from Walt Disney's Aladdin. The song will basically copy the lyrics of the original song, only my name will be in it instead of Prince Ali.

2:58 pm: Right before I enter the church the groomsmen will run in to work the crowd into a frenzy. They will use those shirt shooting guns that shoot rolled up shirts at sporting events but these shirts will have my picture on them and will say, "GROOM BABY GROOM!" On my way to the front of the church the Best Man will chant heroic deeds done by me from boyhood to the present. At the altar the groomsmen will line up in descending order based on tallest to youngest in age.

3:00 pm: As the actual service is about to start the Best Man will rub my shoulders and give me a pep talk resembling what Duke told Apollo Creed before his fight with Rocky Balboa. The Best Man will need to watch each Rocky Movie before the wedding so it can be as close to the real speech as possible. The speech should sound like, "Show them who you are tonight, show them who you are tonight, men love you, women love you, you're the best, you're the champ, old people love you, young people love you, he's a bum, he doesn't deserve to be in the same ring with you." and so on.

And then the wedding will begin. I know that people don't use the term Diva for men but clearly I will be one so I think a new term will be needed for me, I will use Divo. I will be the first Groomzilla, a Divo extraordinaire that my groomsmen will want to kill, but when I'm there in front of my family and friends with the lights on me and my tux, it will all be worth it!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014


We all know and love these classic characters but what if they were to die? I decided that because I will never attend any of their funerals I will just have to write their eulogy as if I had been there. 

THE GRINCH 1957-2014
We are here today to mourn the passing of Whoville's favorite son, The Grinch. Many of us didn't even know this cave dwelling, dog abusing, green furry jerk until that one fateful Christmas morning. Our lives were changed forever when he came sliding into town giving us back our Christmas that had just been stolen by somebody completely different than him, as he told us. Never was there a nicer thing than the Grinch. He loved children and dogs and he, HE HIMSELF got to carve the roast beast every single Christmas feast. He was always thinking of others which was very impressive considering how much it took to turn his life around. He had a terrible childhood growing up and sadly he never found love but he loved all of us. He died of heart failure, turns out his heart was several sizes too big. We will never forget you Grinch and how you stole our hearts.

BOO BERRY 1973-2010
How do we say goodbye to someone that is already dead? I think we are all shocked as well as saddened by the passing of our dear friendly ghost, Boo Berry. He died peacefully surrounded by his loved ones Franken-Berry and Count Chocula. Boo Berry did so much more for his community than just inventing the first blue berry flavored breakfast cereal. He got his Ph.D from Harvard at a young age and some say he was a child at heart, that is, if he had had one. B to the Bizzle, as his closest friends called him, loved children and inspired an entire generation to eat sugar based cereal. The sorrow we have could fill a bowl. Splash on cold milk and you have a funeral that is part of this complete loss.

PETER PAN 1902-2014
What can you say about a boy who never wanted to grow up? Maybe that little boys never listen and that is exactly how accidents happen. Well that little boy immaturity led to his untimely end tragically after being warned so many times to watch for low flying jets over Never Land. But that's how Peter would have wanted to go, being cocky and daring, laughing in the face of danger! Now there is no laughter...only silence. Captain Hook was never able to finish the job, but God knows he tried! To think, instead of using cannons or swords, he should have just used a plane. On behalf of all the other Lost Boys, I would like to extend my deepest sympathies to the families of all the members of that flight that died when Peter caused the plane to crash after being sucked into the jet engine. Peter Pan is still flying right now, but he no longer needs to use fairy dust, he has wings of his own. And he isn't playing a pan flute, he is playing a harp. He is leaving behind his wife Wendy, which reminds me, he left you all of his tights.

It is a sad day for everyone that knew good ol' Charles Brown. He finally lost his life long battle with Leukemia. Being a bald headed prepubescent kid for over 50 years couldn't have been easy for Charlie. In fact, nothing ever seemed to be easy for him. He spent the last few years of his life in a wheel chair after breaking his spine when friend Lucy pulled a football out from under him when he went to kick it. Charlie really went down hill after that. He had to sit and watch as his friends ran and played with their working legs and immune systems. How hard must it have been for this brave little soul? Snoopy, his beloved beagle, had to be put down due to old age and Charlie didn't have a reason to go on.....and yet he did. Charlie endured the hardships of life more than any of us will ever know and right now he is doing a dance with his dog up in Heaven. You were a good man Charlie Brown.

SANTA CLAUS 1881-2014
As I look down into this casket I see a cherry nose, cap on head, suit that's red, and completely 100% dead, must be Santa. A man that meant so much to a nation will live on in our hearts and he will have to, because he isn't living at the North Pole anymore. A lot of people said living up there was just plain crazy but jolly old Saint Nicholas didn't care what people thought about him and he lived his life doing what he loved, forcing elves to make toys so he could deliver them. Killed in a sled accident, this 8 deer pile up left Santa trapped for hours under a metric ton of toys with a torn sac. Let us not be sad because he is now reunited with his best friend, Jesus. You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout, I'm telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to Heaven. And as we now burry him out of sight, I will say Merry Christmas to all, and Santa go toward the light.

THE NOID 1986-1995
Society was instructed to avoid you Noid, but the whole time we were avoiding a friendship that could have lasted a life time. It was the Noid who should have avoided a specific lifestyle that led him to drug addiction and ultimately death. He had his issues yes, but few know the other side of the Noid, probably because they were so busy avoiding him. He never got a break in life and always seemed to be annoyed, hence his name. I will personally miss you Noid and I wish you hadn't been taken away from us so soon. The next time you order a pizza and it's late or ruined by the box, just know the Noid is looking down on you and smiling.

EEYORE 1926-2014
If you're like me then you are just as surprised as I am at the passing of our dear friend Eeyore the donkey. I wish there had been some kind of indication that he was depressed but I never caught on. None of us suspected he was unhappy enough to take his own life but here we are today. I know he ate thistles often and they had punctured holes into the lining of his stomach and intestines so he was slowly dying for a number of painful years but I don't want to remember the way he died, I say we remember the way he lived.......under a bunch of sticks. Who would have ever guessed depression was a major part of his life? He will surely be missed by all of his loved ones, especially his long time lover Piglet. Thank you all for coming today and thanks for noticin' him.

Friday, October 3, 2014


You got a Phal Orchid from the store and it isn’t doing too good, so now what? If this sounds like you then your best bet might be to repot your flower. If it is in a tight little pot with moss, then you should replant it in a better medium because odds are, that is why it isn't doing well. I will show you the steps for re-potting an orchid.

Make sure the plant is done flowering. Re-potting while it is flowering will cause too much stress and the flowers it does have will probably wilt and fall off. Besides, being in a new pot the orchid will want to concentrate on its root system and having flowers in bloom takes too much energy to grow new roots, again, causing too much stress on the orchid.

3.99?? How embarrassing for this Orchid! 
Here’s a little manager’s special, possibly marked down because of the damage to the leaves. These leaves were also bright green when I first got it but a lot of sunlight and more water helped to nurse it back to health. It lost its flowers but most of them were already wilted or gone when I got it. The roots were growing like crazy! See how they came out of the bottom of the container?
This happens to be a good container for orchids. These slits and holes help air get in and circulate through the root system. The bad part is that this little guy was planted in moss and the damp tight conditions are strangling and breaking the roots while they sit in a soggy wet mess causing root rot. A great pot with a terrible medium. Let's give it some balance with a great medium. 
First remove any flower spike stick you may have. This particular flower has a great flower spike and a stick like this helps it stay straight up and down. Gently pull the stick out after you remove any clips or wire. It should come out easily without damaging any of the roots. 
The next thing I will do is pull the entire root ball out of the container which will be easy enough but you’re going to lose some of the roots that are growing out of the bottom. There is just no way to get them through. Luckily this plant has a very healthy root system. IF your orchid has very few roots or very damaged and weak roots, be as careful as you can to preserve the ones it has. 

Now that it is out you will notice how tightly packed in all the roots are with the moss. Literally nothing fell off or out when I pulled it out. Orchid roots are stiff and they don’t bend, they break. Being weak because of the tight moss didn't help matters. I pulled out the moss little by little until I got all of it out. I also ran it under water to wash the roots off.
See how much room the moss was taking up? Many of the roots on the inside were white because they had been too damp for too long. When moss is wet it expands and holds moisture, often getting wrapped around an orchid's roots but when it dries out, it tightens and contracts, strangling your orchid's roots. 

You’ll want to add the new medium. I highly recommend this brand, it's called Better Gro Phalaenopsis Mix. I have been VERY happy with the results and I doubt I’ll ever use anything else. I had to put most of this bark inside the roots before I put it back into the cup. With the size of these roots this plant could have actually used a slightly larger container but orchids do like their roots to be tight unlike most other plants.
Make sure your stick is in deep and good enough to hold up the flower spike. This spike wasn’t heavy because it had no flowers on it. This is a good time to trim back an old flower spike but I kept this one because it’s the perfect shape for when this little guy starts to bloom again. NOTE: A problem with buying a flower from a store is that you have no idea how old the flower spike is and how many times it has had flowers on it. In time you’ll need to trim it back and let a new flower spike grow. I felt this one might have some more blooms in the future so I’m leaving it for now.
Well there is this little Manager’s Special in the same container but with a new bark medium and a lot of its dead damaged roots clipped!  It looks like it could STILL use a bigger container but there is a lot more room in there without the moss and dead roots. It was an easy process and like my other little rescues, I’m sure this one will be thriving in no time! 

Remember, a plant will tell you exactly what it needs….you just have to know how to listen. 

Thursday, October 2, 2014


I often hear people say there is a, "Middle Child Syndrome." Saying the term out loud is often accompanied by an eye roll or shaking of the head. It is said that a child that falls in between other siblings in an odd numbered set of children, is the middle child, and this child displays specific different behaviors due to his or her placement. Many people will laugh at this saying, "being the oldest is the toughest" or "being the youngest is by far the worst." Well today I will see if this so called, "Middle Child Syndrome" exists or not. As a middle child myself out of 3, I am the perfect person to do this study as I will not be bias in anyway, as middle children are never biased towards being middle children.

It has been said that second place is first place loser. As a middle child you were at one time the youngest but you were NEVER the oldest. Coming in second after the original child is a tough spot to be in, after all, we didn't pick that slot and we sure couldn't do anything ourselves to change the order. Yet we have to spend our lives being the NEXT child, the remake, not the original. We don't get all the hype and glamour as the first child did for their pregnancy. The excitement is there yes but it is nothing compared to the excitement of the news of the first born. In fact, "First Born" is a term, have you ever heard anyone say, "That's so expensive they want your middle child!" Of course you haven't, I suppose our value just isn't as high or important as the first born jerks in this world. I apologize for saying jerks, they also didn't pick the order to be born in........not that you could tell if you've ever spoken to a first born child, but nevertheless, I will say they don't complain about the order as much as the baby of the family. Again, people will yell at this point and say we middle children complain the most and how dare I say otherwise? Well, true, we sure do complain the most but FOR GOOD REASON! Let's discuss the differences between those who came sliding out first, last, and somewhere in the middle.

How convenient for you. The special treatment you guys get is just ridiculously unfair. I will list all of the common complaints you people whine about and then I will promptly debunk all of them. You love to say how you were mom and dad's "guinea pigs" well that's a nice way of putting it but don't dumb it down like that, the second child has it ten times worse because our parents do a complete 180 with us after they've screwed you up! Even the good stuff gets turned around! They let you out until midnight, you screw that up so we had to be home by 10! Guinea pigs? If that's what you call a mother and father's pride and joy and just trying to do the very best at raising you. Also moms and dads are the LEAST burned out when they have you. The second we middle children are born they both sigh and say, "Here we go again!"

The Eldest loves to say they had the most responsibilities. Oh did you? That was  a bad thing was it? Do you know what the people who have the most responsibilities in the real world are called?? THE BOSS. You got to treat us like slaves and we were FORCED, against our will, to listen to you and do what you say. And the whole time, as we stood in your shadow, we admired and idolized you. Did you care or show appreciation for that admiration? No, you just laughed at us with your friends and looked down at us and tortured us and made us your slaves because you were bigger than us, you were smarter than us, and damnit you had the power handed to you to do so.

 I'll also point out how if it ever came down to our word verses your word, mom and dad ALWAYS picked the older child because they are older and MUST be telling the truth. How did the lamp get broken? Let's ask our suspicious first born child, they would never lie to get out of anything! Parents you suckers, do you realize how many times a punishment was given out to a child that didn't deserve it? The few times you were caught you pouted worst of all, acting like it was so undeserving and so unfair. You avoided many spankings because YOU told mom and dad we did it!!! Also, how did those clothes fit and feel for you guys? Nice? They should have, they were BRAND NEW. Wish we middle children knew what that was like considering all we got were your hand-me-downs. Good thing we wanted to dress like you because once you were done with those filthy rags, we were wearing them!

Face it, you had the newest clothes and toys. You had the latest bed time. You had the biggest room. You crawled out of your big kid bed every morning to go off and do what you pleased as we stood there stuck in our cribs like caged animals. You never wore a hand-me-down in your life and you got to do EVERYTHING first. You never got pushed around by your siblings and you got the power, YOU WERE THIRD IN COMMAND BEHIND MOM AND DAD for crying out loud! You had it wonderful and you STILL complain! I didn't even have a baby book made for me, but my older sister sure did! You were the first. First place. How is first place ever a bad place to be? In some countries the first born child is the most important thing in a family's life, not the middle child, the first born.

As you stole our toys we stole your thunder didn't we....the new kid in town and down the hall getting all the attention and presents and love showered down on us. It was great, I'm not going to lie, being the baby DEFINATELY has its perks, we were newer, cuter, and more relevant but you couldn't take sharing the spotlight and you spent your childhood resenting us. Everyday you'd get a little revenge on us, by picking on us, making us feel stupid, making us do something we didn't want to do, beating us up and why? All because we were born after you. Sounds like a jerk to me! If you first born kids were jerks there was one trick you couldn't pull that only a true master could, being a cry baby....

Fitting name for you group of whiny little brats. I admit that the babies do complain the most about their spot in the family but unjustifiably I have to say. Don't forget babies, we middle children were the babies at one point too, we know exactly what it was like and I think I speak for all of us middle children when I say, IT WASN'T SO BAD!

The youngest, the cutest, the smallest, the last child. Our parents held a very special place in their hearts for you. Ever hear a parent say, "They are special because we knew we wouldn't have anymore." Of course you have but you know what you never heard a parent say? "We plan to have more, so this one isn't that special." Sure they never said that but they didn't have to.....a middle child already knows.

We literally watch as our baby title is stripped from us and given to you. I suppose we can relate to the older child for the first time. Unfortunately for us, the older child is a seasoned veteran by this time and it doesn't phase them as much as it does us. Anyone console us about no longer being the baby? Nope. We get told we are now going to a big sister or big brother and that sounds great to us because we know what that comes with! But wait no, it comes with all the negatives and none of the positives. Not surprising considering the life we lead, or should I say follow because we never got to lead.

What are your biggest complaints? Don't try to say hand-me-down clothes,  you know damn well that by the third round those clothes wouldn't cut it so you got everything brand new, just like the eldest child. Speaking of them and their hatred for us youngers, they hated you less because after so long of being angry and resentful towards the middle child for taking their thunder, they let it go and could enjoy you as a sibling. Older kids also had something that we didn't when the third kid comes along, maturity. That maturity helps their hatred of a younger sibling grow less bright. The middle child, on the other hand, is left to just deal with it.

Mom and dad always believed you over the older middle child. For whatever crazy phenomenon, parents will look at the middle child and say, "You should have known better." Odd that it was turned around on us with our older sibling, but not in this case! Before you were born they used to say, "The older child knows better and must be telling us the truth, so you're getting a spanking." The baby is always right. The baby always gets what it wants and they KNOW IT. They love to complain and say mom and dad make it so tough on them because of the first two, but we all know that just isn't true. The truth is your parents are so tired of trying to be good parents by the third child, that they let you do whatever the hell you want! The baby definitely has it the easiest. No responsibilities, no worries, and no cares. You sit at home as we go to school, you play with your toys when we are forced to do homework. You learn from the mistakes of the older two and you use that as a weapon to get what you want saying, "Mom and dad, I'm not them, I won't do what they did, I saw what it was like!" Freedom is what you gain. You also have two examples to learn from and are by far the smartest, craftiest, and sneakiest child mom and dad has because of it.

The baby. Always protected, always right, the last one and crowning achievement of our parents. So special because you mark the end of an era. You also signify the end of a long slave-like labor our parents have been enduring but once you're 18, that all ends, and you remind them of that everyday when they look at you, which makes them happy. You also love to say how mom and dad stopped having kids after you because they finally got it right after 2 failed attempts. Sometimes you're bigger jerks than the first born siblings! And can you stop with the fake crying??? Mom and dad fell for that every single time.

THE OVERLOOKED MIDDLE CHILD (notice no bold or underline for ours)
So what do we get? Let's review shall we? We don't get anything brand new. We don't get to stay up late because that is based on age and the older child gets to stay up later than we do, and the baby doesn't have to get up early plus they take naps during the day so their bedtime is later. I literally laid awake in my bed at night staring at the ceiling trying to figure out how the hell I was the only one in bed while the rest of the family was downstairs. (true story) We aren't old enough to do fun things but we are old enough to know better leaving us in the perfect spot to get in trouble. We are never the first to do anything. Mom and dad try to correct all their mistakes they made on our older sibling so they really crack the whip with us, but by the time they get to the baby they've given up and let them do whatever they want. Being the first born child is an honor and a title. Being the baby is a privilege and a title. What title do we get? The title of complainer??? Do you see why yet?

I will say that having siblings is great and I wouldn't trade it for the world. The middle children are also the most understanding and compassionate out of the 3. I know there are still some first borns and babies out there that will disagree with these findings and refuse to say we had it the worst but go ahead and be like that, prove us middle children right for the 1,000,000th time. First borns can't say they know what its like to be anything other than the first born. Babies can't say they know what it's like to be anything other than the youngest. BUT.....a middle child can!

Unfortunately my findings fall short for one simple reason....I get to go through life as a big brother and a little brother and THAT is one thing the other two can never say. So here's to me and the other middle children out there. Surely there is a Middle Child Syndrome but it isn't disease, it's a learned behavior.