Tuesday, February 24, 2015


We've all had them. Terrible haircuts that you wish you could just rewind the last 15 minutes of your life and run out of the place before they can scalp you. Well I just had one. 

Is it just me or does everybody else approach the barber the same way? Saying to myself, "Please don't let this be a bad haircut, please don't let this be a bad haircut." I hate these places. Over priced doesn't begin to describe the modern hairdresser but you get what you pay for! (Not at the barber) I would GLADLY pay a ton of money to get a decent haircut because my hair sucks, it always has and it always will. I just can't see a reason to spend a ton of money on my short, simple hair though, so I go to these chains that have people in them that know about cutting hair as much as Hawaiians know about shoveling snow. 

So I go to Procuts. (first mistake) I'm just looking for a quick trim, nothing special or fancy or difficult and it was really close to my house. I go in and no one else is there. (first clue) From the moment the only hairdresser in the place starts talking to me I hear a voice in my head that says, "Get out of here...dude, just get out of here, this isn't right....something's wrong....RUN, DUDE SERIOUSLY, RUN, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE." Did I listen to that voice? I wouldn't be writing this blog if I had. 

She didn't speak English very well. Not sure if that is what scared me because that has nothing to do with cutting hair. She puts on that smock thing they all use and asks me how I want my hair cut. I tell her I want it the same as it is now just shorter. And that I use the clippers on the side and back and it is blended into the top. Pretty easy instructions to understand I would think, especially for someone that has a fancy Procut degree displayed on her counter! She then asked me how I want my hair cut. (that's not a typo, she asked again.) This is how she actually said it by the way, "How you want do hair?" 

I told her again, changing nothing in my instructions. She said, "Ok, you want not too short." I figured that was a pretty good guideline to be following so I just sat there like an idiot. Like a lamb going to slaughter is what this was. Speaking of sheep, I got treated like a lamb getting sheared. So she takes out the clippers and a kind of comb I've never seen before, you'd think I would have seen every kind of comb there is by now in my lifetime, but apparently I hadn't. I'm no professional barber but her technique was just terrible. She used the clippers on my head like someone uses a taser on someone else. Quick jabs at my hair is how she did it. 

She then says to me, "How you want sideburns?" I said, "Oh they are fine how they are, just leave them." She repeats, "Just leave them, ok." Now, I'm not a translator for whatever language she spoke but "just leave them" must have meant, "cut the shit out of them" because THAT'S what she did. She took over an inch off my sideburns with her bullshit jabbing motion. Look, again, I'm not a professional  but that's not how you use those things! So the sideburns are gone completely, leveled with my ear now, whatever, they grow back, who cares? Still a part of me wanted to say, "Hey dumbass, what part of LEAVE THEM, didn't you understand???" I didn't need to ask that question because the answer was clearly, NONE OF IT SIR. 

She continues her scalping, I mean cutting, and the whole time I feel like I'm being abused. She was smacking me around and hitting me with the towel to get the hair off and grabbing my head and shoving it down and up so she could cut the hair. I know most barbers are hands on, but this was crazy! I wanted to stop her and say, "Do I know you? Did I offend you in some other life??? Are you angry at me or someone else today???" It actually was a painful experience and she burned me with the blow drier. *sigh* That's what I deserve I suppose. 

She used that squirt bottle they all have to wet your hair so they can cut it. She just kept spraying my hair until it was literally dripping wet. Luckily she slapped off the water with her towel. Then when it was all done I go to pay and escape and she tells me it is going to be 17 dollars! 17 bucks for a trim?? Seriously what robbery. I knew she meant business though, maybe that's why she roughed me up so much, to send a message. Let me do some math on that folks. It took her less than 10 minutes to cut my hair, at that rate she would make $102.00 an hour, which is 4,080 dollars a week, 16,320 dollars a month, and $195,840.00 a year. Not counting tips. College??? Should have gone to beauty school! 

So I give her my card and she hands me the receipt to sign and tells me the tip should be 5 dollars! First of all, a tip is an extra bit of gratitude for a job well done, that's what it is, it isn't part of the price of the haircut, that is what 17 dollars is for, you did the job and you got paid, a tip is 100% completely optional. (That goes for you waiters out there too) There is no law that says you have to give one and there is no law that says it HAS to be a certain percentage either. So don't tell me what your tip is going to be....EVER. Because if you do, your new tip becomes ZERO because you're an asshole. AND IF WAITERS WANT TO BITCH NOW about how that is where most of your money comes from, well get a new job or do a better job and EARN a tip, just don't expect one. Anyway, I write a 3, not sure why I even did that. She looks at it and tells me THE TOTAL WAS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I thought a 3 dollar tip on a 17 dollar haircut was pretty generous considering this was the second worst haircut of my life. At this point I was really just plain sick and tired of her terrible attempt at English, she didn't so much speak it as she just chewed it up and spit it out, so I just said, "Yes." and walked out. I'm sure she was confused by that but I didn't care, she didn't deserve 5 cents let alone several dollars PLUS the total was already 17 so that just means your tip is going to be smaller. I'm sorry but it doesn't cost you that much money to operate scissors. Why are we all paying these outrageous amounts??? 

It's times like these I really wish I was a mean person. I would have looked her right in the eyes and said, "YOU GET NOTHING!!!" Just like Willy Wonka. Then I would have said, ''YOU'LL GET AS MUCH OF A TIP AS I HAVE SIDEBURNS, WHICH IS NONE!!!" She would be confused at this point so I'd continue, "THIS HAIRCUT WAS BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD!!!" She'd probably be tearing up now or maybe trying to justify something or maybe even apologize but I'd just say, "YOU DID NOTHING RIGHT, JUST LIKE LIFE, YOU SUCK AT LIFE, STOP SUCKING AT LIFE SO MUCH, I WISH YOU'D JUST DRINK THAT BLUE COMB JUICE YOU ALL HAVE ON YOUR COUNTERS AND END IT ALL!!!" Perhaps that last part is too harsh. Besides she didn't have that comb juice, which is odd because they all do. What is that stuff anyway??? Where was hers??? Did she even work there?????? I'm starting to have my doubts. 

All in all I will never go back, ever, for any reason. I also advise everyone to stay away from this place and others like it. Here's an actual tip for her and all the other barbers and hairdressers out there, YOU'RE NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO CHARGE 17 DOLLARS PLUS A TIP FOR A TRIM, THE ONLY REASON WHY PEOPLE DON'T CUT THEIR OWN HAIR IS BECAUSE WE CAN'T SEE BEHIND OUR HEADS, IF HUMANS COULD, YOU WOULDN'T EXIST. 

It also occurred to me that she may have been mentally challenged and or blind. If that is the case then I apologize whole heartedly and commend her for doing such a wonderful job on my hair. However, we know that's not true because even a blind mentally challenged person could have done a better job. 

The biggest regret of the day for me is the fact that all my life I've been waiting to use a very funny special line that I heard on tv many years ago. Remember that show In Living Color? In one sketch a barber keeps messing up people's hair and at one point he asks where his tip is, the man replies that he will break the tip of his shoe off in his ass. I've always wanted to say that about a tip to the person asking for one after being angry at them for doing a terrible job. Not only was this the most perfect time ever for that, it actually was in a barber shop just like in the skit. Really bad day for me here people, really bad. That's not my two cents, my two cents went to pay for this horrible haircut. 

Here is the clip if you want to watch it. My experience was pretty much just like this, only I would have rather gone to this fake barbershop than the one I went to today! 

My Blog's new logo

Looking through a list of suggested blogs made me feel like I was on pintrest. So many clever names and wonderful default pictures that made me start to think about mine. It's just my ugly face. I decided I needed a picture that would represent this blog. What on earth can sum up this blog in one picture?? Nothing, but second to nothing is what I have used here! 

I decided that if my blog is about my opinions and therefore isn't really about one thing in particular, I should have a catchy name. That is how I came up with my two cents, being that giving one's, "two cents," on something means their opinion. I thought I should have 2 cents in the new logo. Who better to also represent this blog than the sophisticated Mr. Peanut. Luckily I have an old Mr. Peanut thing that I got during my Mr. Peanut phase. (Read about it here http://andrew-mytwocents.blogspot.com/2013/03/i-love-mr-peanut.html )Not sure what this was for, maybe for nuts, I don't know but it's cast iron and I keep change in it. 

Now I actually dug through all of my change to find the pennies. I placed them near his feet so you could see two cents. I left the rest of the pennies in the dish part. After several shots and different angles I got what I liked the most. Then I made it look really old because that statue thing I have is really old. You can't tell that picture was taken in 2015 can you? Thought it turned out pretty cool. Anyway that is the new blog logo! Hope you like it, and if you don't, I don't care! But that's just my two cents...

New Logo facts!

  • Mr. Peanut statue thing was bought on ebay for $14.25 during my Mr. Peanut phase.
  • The two pennies pictured are a 1982 and a 2008, one for the year I was born and one for the year I started this blog. 
  • I wanted a 1982 and a 2008 penny for the picture and went through all the pennies until I found them both, the 2008 was the only one of that year and it was literally the last penny in the dish. 
  • There were three 1982 pennies and one 2008 penny in the dish.
  • The picture was taken and changed by using my new Droid Turbo.
  • 56 cents of pennies in the dish
  • 23 quarters 
  • 16 dimes
  • 9 nickels 
  • 1 non US currency coin from the Wizard of Oz machine at Hoopla's. 
  • $8.36 total in the dish.
  • Oldest penny in dish, a 1966 penny. 
  • Newest penny in dish, four 2014 pennies.
  • Years missing from the '70's, 1972, 1975, 1978, 1979
  • Years missing from the '80's, 1983
  • Years missing from the '90's, 1991, 1993, 1997, 1999
  • Years missing from the 2000's, 2000, 2004, 2007, 2010, 2011
  • Most numerous year of penny, four 1996 and four 2014 
  • Four different years had 3 pennies, six different years had 2 pennies. 
  • The oldest looking penny was the 1966 penny, the oldest penny there was.
  • One of the two 1989 pennies was so beat up I could hardly read it.
  • All of the backs were identical, except for the 2009, it had its own different back due to the Lincoln's cent 100th anniversary and the two 2012's and four 2014's had the same back that depicts the shield and not the Lincoln Memorial like the rest.
  • Laid the pennies on top of the other dish so you couldn't see any other coin.
  • This blog about the picture is my 175th post. 
  • From 1982 pennies are made from copper coated zinc. 
  • All the pennies in the dish before 1982 are made out of brass. 
  • The new design for the back came out in 2010, the old design of the Lincoln Memorial was made in 1909. 
  • Each penny weighs 3.11 grams, total weight of pennies in dish, 174.16 grams. 
  • Pennies are fatal to dogs if eaten but not humans.  

Thursday, February 19, 2015


Apparently not every main water shut off is inside the house. I didn't know that and I had never known a home to be any other way. Sometimes they are outside, under the ground, this is a wonderful place to put something that you might need to use some day! Burying something useful sounds like the water company is run by pirates.

I installed a new mini bar sink and since the last guy had no clue what he was doing and messed it up royally, I had to do a lot. Long story short, I needed to shut off the main water supply to the house so I could hook up the hot and cold water to my new sink. The first problem was finding it.

I looked everywhere, in every room, in every closet, in every space, in the attic, in the garage, on the outside of the house, and finally I was just plain stumped. (I realize how looking for it in all those places makes me look stupid because as we all know it should only be in about 2-3 different places but when it wasn't in the obvious spots, I could only assume it was somewhere else).

I asked the neighbor if he knew and he explained that it is under the ground by the curb in front of my house. How convenient! This was new for me because where I grew up every single house has a main water shut off on the inside, you don't have to go outside or open up a cover to find it under ground, it's usually just in your basement or where your water heater is located.

Getting this cover off was as easy as......well it wasn't easy at all! It took forever and I actually had to go buy a special tool just to do it. Even after I had the tool it wasn't easy. Now we come to the point of this whole blog (FINALLY!) I looked high and low for things on the internet on how to open this water meter cover, and I didn't find anything. Specifically it will help those of you in North Texas, Dallas area, Carrollton to be exact.

This cover is made to stay on and you'll need a special key to open it. How convenient! Not for you, but the water company. I think that is why it is like this, so they can control the main water line to your house. I guess if you don't pay your bill they can come out and turn it off which makes perfect sense but since it is the one and only shut off when someone needs the water to shut off when doing work inside the house, let's say for example putting in a new sink, it becomes a ridiculous hassle and pain in the *swear word of a body part goes here*.

You can call the water company anytime, as they told me when I called them, and they'll come out and take off the cover and turn the water off for you but let's face it, that isn't very practical. So get this special key so you can do it yourself anytime you want. Besides, it is your water, your house, you should be able to turn it off if you want without the water company's say so. 

Getting his key wasn't easy either. Home Depot had it but Lowes didn't because they were sold out! I guess a lot of people want to shut off their own water....imagine that. This key tool fits directly into this special shaped hole. TRUST ME, you can't get it off by sticking screw drivers down there. (I tried) You can also order this key online. I think it only cost 3 dollars and some change in the store but you'll have it for life so why not?

Well I make a special trip to Lowes then had to go to Home Depot and finally got my key. Getting the right key feels like a scene from the Legend of Zelda. It really essentially is the same thing, I had never experienced this in real life before, maybe on small scale when you're opening a door and have 10 keys and you're trying every one and then you get the right one and you're like, YES!!! This feeling was like that only to a greater extent.

FINALLY, I can open up the cover and get into that pesky shut off valve. NOPE. My key wouldn't work and I had no idea why. It was the right shape and it fit in and even turned but it just plain wouldn't open this cover. Now I was mad. I called up the water company and demanded that they come out and open up this stupid cover immediately! (not how actual phone call went) They were really nice about it and sent a guy out and in 15 mins. he was here.

I hate to say it but I really wanted to be a smug jerk and have him NOT open this cover, the same way I wasn't able to, just to make myself feel better. I really prepared myself for when he couldn't open it to squat down to his level, point right in his face and scream out, "HA!!!" Well the water company man bent down on one knee, entered his key, (looked identical to mine) and I squinted my eyes and smirked, he turned his key, (just as mine turned in the hole) he lifted and, THE COVER CAME OFF. My jaw dropped to the ground and I wanted to smack him. I didn't understand what I did wrong. He turned off the water and said to call him back when I wanted it turned on again.

I couldn't let him get away and I asked if he would try MY key because I couldn't open it. He said sure and I got my key and gave it to him. Sure enough try as he might, he couldn't open it either! I felt so much better. He looked at it and scratched his head and tried it again and took out his key and looked at it and scratched his head and finally he found the problem...

Look at the very specific shape of your key. If it does not work, as mine did not, you have to shave off the edge so it is in this shape and THEN it will work. I used a variety of files to shave down this corner to where it needed to be. Luckily I had a bunch of different files to choose from, if you don't it's ok, but it might take you a little longer and yours might not look as good as mine but if it gets the stupid cover off, who cares?!?!

Now the key fit and turned perfectly but the cover remained locked. I had to pull the key to the side and THEN it worked. Just play around with your key and you'll get it too, use it like a joystick. Once off it becomes much simpler! UNLESS...that is of course, you don't have the next important tool. I am rolling my eyes people.

This next tool is very handy and it makes things simple, if you don't have it you can use a wrench. Simply turn off the main water supply to your house. Turn on your facets and let the water drain out until the pipe is empty and you are ready to go to work! In my case it was cutting off the pipe and installing a new valve.

I then turned the water back on and closed up the cover WITH MY OWN KEY. I called the water company and told them I wouldn't be needing them to come back to turn on my water. Yes, partly to be courteous but mostly to be a smug jerk that didn't need their help. (Although I had already gone crawling to them for help earlier in the day).

I hope this helped someone because the last I checked there is nothing else on the internet like this. So if you're having the same issues, perhaps this helped you.

Monday, February 16, 2015


These well known bow and arrow slinging characters never had a chance to face each other....UNTIL NOW. I wanted to know what would happen if all of these bow using people had a big tournament to find out which one is truly the best at shooting arrows. I created a fictional contest to find out who really was the best of all time. This is an archery contest for the ages! I have also entered the contest because I once won an archery contest as a child, which I feel qualifies me to go up against history's most famous arrow slingers. Who will win and who will quiver in fear??? (smart joke)

I swear I put these names into a hat and drew them randomly. I can't make this up people, I really have a lot of time on my hands. So here we go! The bracket to start off our tournament BUT FIRST, I will introduce each character just so we all know who I am talking about here.


Daryl from The Walking Dead.
Daryl Dixon uses a crossbow, not sure it should count in this tournament because the rest use an actual bow but I let him in because so many of us know and love him. He is living in a zombie filled world just trying to survive day to day. He is deadly with many things but his weapon of choice is the crossbow. Many zombies have met their end from an arrow shot by Daryl, but does he have what it takes to be the best???

Green Arrow DC Comics Superhero
Oliver Queen, billionaire businessman crime fighting superhero that uses archery. He first appeared in 1941 so he has been around for a long time. He is a part of the Justice League and although has some trick arrows, was asked to only use normal arrows for this competition. How does he stack up against the rest of our fictional contenders? We'll soon find out. 

Hawkeye Marvel Comics Superhero
Clint Barton, member of the Avengers, was created in 1964 by Stan Lee and also uses archery to fight crime and combat evil! He does not have an actual superpower though. An obvious rip off of Green Arrow, Hawkeye was raised in a circus where he would do trick shooting and earned the name, "The World's Greatest Archer." Let's find out if he really lives up to that title!

Legolas from Lord of the Rings
Legolas was the son of the Elf-King of the woodland realm. He is deadly with his Elven long bow, it is over 6 feet long and is said can send an arrow with fatal force over 400 yards. Elves have better eye sight and hearing than humans and with these skills Legolas, who is revered for his archery skills, will be a worthy opponent!

Cupid from mythology
In mythology Cupid is the god of desire, erotic love, attraction and affection...and he can sling an arrow like a son of a bitch! When the God Apollo claimed he was a better archer than Cupid, Cupid shoots him to prove a point. That's the kind of attitude I want in this tournament!

Robin Hood from English folklore
Robin Hood, the heroic outlaw that steals from the rich and gives to the poor! Living in Sherwood Forest with his band of merry men, Robin was well-known for being a skilled archer. The famous contest where Robin splits an arrow in two after it has hit the bull's-eye is exactly the kind of shooting he will need to have to win this contest!

William Tell from Swiss folklore
We all know the William Tell Overture and love it. Legend says when this badass refused to bow to a hat, he was forced to shoot an apple off his son's head. Can you imagine how that conversation with his wife would have went if he had missed??? William Tell used a crossbow to split the apple in two but can he beat these fictional characters without the help of his son's head?? We'll find out!

Katniss from The Hunger Games
Katniss Everdeen was forced to kill a bunch of children during the Hunger Games. She gained her archery skills from hunting animals to survive while living in District-12. She scored an 11 out of a possible 12 during the pregame judging due to her skills with a bow and arrow. However, this time she isn't up against a bunch of children.

Andrew the writer of this blog
I won an archery contest as a kid one time by hitting the dead center of the bulls-eye with my first shot. I feel that qualifies me enough for this match up.

With an odd number of people entered into this contest, one of them will have to sit out the first round. I put the names into the hat and the last one that is not chosen will win the first round-bye. I swear my name was the last name so it means Andrew advances to the second round! I swear that really happened, I seriously drew these names and mine was the last one left over because it was an odd number, I didn't look or anything. No one is going to believe that and there was no way I could have made it to the second round but that's what happened! 

In our first round match up we have Cupid VS. Daryl and the winner of that will face the winner of Hawkeye VS. Legolas. On the other side we have William Tell VS. Green Arrow and the winner of that will square off against the winner of Robin Hood VS. Katniss. Remember all of these match ups were drawn randomly. I, having been randomly selected for the first round bye, will face the first winner of the first match up. 

In our first match Daryl from the Walking Dead goes up against the well known God of love and symbol of Valentine's Day, Cupid. The flying boy archer that strikes our hearts with love will face a man living in a post apocalyptic world where he uses his crossbow just to stay alive. Head to head we have a human being verses a god, not a very good match. While Daryl has done some pretty amazing fancy shooting just to stay alive, he doesn't measure up well in a contest. Cupid carries two kinds of arrows, one that causes desire and one that causes desire to flee. Daryl would not be able to hit the flying deity but would be struck by the lead tipped arrow causing him to want to flee. Besides with Daryl going from badass to crybaby in recent seasons, I think he would probably be afraid of Cupid and run off anyways. Either way he'd get shot and be out of this tournament. WINNER: CUPID

Our next match up is William Tell verses Green Arrow. The Green Arrow would not approve of this contest as he is a hero and doesn't kill for sport. William Tell pretty much had no problem doing what he was told when it came to shoot an apple off his son's head so I think William Tell would go ahead and try to shoot Green Arrow. However without the life of his son to motivate him, I think William Tell  would be no match for a Superhero and in self-defense Green Arrow would take William Tell out fairly easily. William Tell would get a shot off but it wouldn't matter in the end. WINNER: GREEN ARROW

Now we have Legolas Greenleaf, the Mirkwood prince to face another superhero, Hawkeye. With speed and agility combined with far superior eyesight and reaction time, Legolas will have put 5 arrows into Hawkeye before he could get one out of his quiver. Hawkeye was just a human with amazing ability but no true super powers. Unfortunately this match would be over very quickly and Legolas, having no hesitation to kill a human, would have another big advantage. I will say Hawkeye would make a valiant effort to get a shot off, but it would be over before he knows it. WINNER: LEGOLAS

A fight for readers everywhere! The Prince of Thieves squares off against the symbol for the rebellion! Truth be told Katniss would never join this competition so we had to tell her it was either her or her little sister. She would then join reluctantly. Robin Hood on the other hand would join immediately to prove he is the best archer in all the land! Fighting for her life is something Katniss has not only done before, but has done quite well. No tricks this time though and Katniss would have to shoot another person without hesitation. She wouldn't be able to do this, not as fast as Robin Hood would. He wouldn't wait and yet, he would have extreme difficulty shooting a lady. They both hesitate but Katniss would hesitate a tiny bit more giving the edge to Robin Hood. She would wound Robin but not fatally and his arrow would find its mark. WINNER: ROBIN HOOD

Since Cupid was the first winner it is only fair that I will have to face him. The winner of that will face Legolas. On the other side we have Green Arrow against Robin Hood.

In the first match up Cupid verses Andrew, I feel I would get an arrow off towards Cupid's general direction. I'm sure it would miss him by a lot and before my arrow was even in the air I would have already been shot by one of his arrows. Thank goodness he doesn't kill anyone and I would be stricken with love. Unable to focus on the task of shooting that naked flying baby, I would just wonder away from the contest singing love songs to myself. WINNER: CUPID

The second fight has Green Arrow VS. Robin Hood. Again Green Arrow would face a moral dilemma about shooting an innocent person that was also forced into this stupid archery contest. He would also still feel pretty bad for shooting another person that did nothing wrong to get to the second round so he really wouldn't want to do this too. Robin Hood on the other hand would love to win this event and he would feel much better going up against a man instead of a woman. Robin Hood would not hesitate this time but Green Arrow would and that is why Robin Hood would just barely slay Green Arrow in a narrow victory. WINNER AND ADVANCING TO THE FINAL ROUND: ROBIN HOOD

Cupid and Legoas will now have to face each other for a chance to go to our final round. For this to be fair we had to make Cupid drink the same potion that made Hercules mortal. He did it and was quite pleasant about it actually. Two non-humans face each other for a chance to go to the winner's circle to face Robin Hood! Now that Cupid is mortal just getting a shot to hit him as he flies and fires back would take a whole lot more than any man could do....luckily for Legolas because he isn't human. I feel a few shots would be fired back and forth but the skill of killing and the experience would go to Legolas and he would take out Cupid as hitting a moving target wouldn't be that difficult using his Elven eyes. WINNER AND ADVANCING TO THE FINAL ROUND: LEGOLAS


Now what you have all been waiting for! The final round and championship match-up! ROBIN HOOD VERSES LEOGLAS. What a match! Probably the most famous archer of all time, Robin Hood, going up against the fan favorite of the Lord of the Rings movies and books, Legolas!

Robin Hood knows he's up against a very powerful and worthy adversary. Legolas, on the other hand, isn't too afraid of a human but he still respects his opponent. Robin Hood would pull out all the stops and get one of his flaming arrows ready. Legolas would prepare to use his speed and accuracy on Robin Hood. I feel Robin Hood would be worried about not getting his shot off first, and he wouldn't, Legolas would shoot at Robin Hood but Robin's blazing projectile would split Legolas' arrow in two, but the problem was, Legolas would have shot two arrows at one time. One would be split by Robin's fire arrow but the second one would find its target, Robin Hood's heart. In a quick motion this match would be over and legolas would remain standing.


Well there you have it! The best and most famous archers of all time in an epic show down that can only have one winner! Thanks, and hope you enjoyed reading about my fake made up archery contest!

Thursday, February 12, 2015

THE SAINT VALENTINE'S DAY MASSACRE short story by Andrew Lucas

It was Valentine's Day in a break room of an office. A group of men sat around the tables.

They came out of the darkness. Like a flash of evil lightning. Flying around the room like demon bats from Hell. We were just a room full of single bachelors unaware of the sneak attack until it was too late. They shot their arrows into us with the pin point precision of a writer dotting his "i's." They struck our hearts one at a time until no one was left to shoot. No one was spared. They never missed their targets, even with their crazy dive-bombing flying acrobatics. They were humming around the ceiling like a swarm of bees and it rang in our ears as they took wildly erratic shots that somehow always found their targets. It was too easy for them as they shot between their legs, over their shoulders, behind their backs, over their heads, and two even did a no look arrow pass which ended up dead center in someone's heart. They would scream out, "BULLSEYE!" in their horrid tiny little voices, right after every shot.

They were hard to see because of how fast and crazy their flying was but if I could describe these pint-sized spawn of Satan, I would say they were all little fat baby-like monsters with red glowing eyes and curly blond hair. They were smooth and pink all over with rosy red cheeks and had white feathered wings. They wore slings of arrows on their backs and carried their bows in one hand as the other chubby hand fed it with those deadly red missiles of doom. Sure they were cute but then they'd smile and show you their pointed teeth and they'd laugh an awful spine tingling chilling laugh that would make the hair stand up on the back of your neck. I have no idea how those single crotch leaves stayed in place and I didn't want to find out.

The sound of swift flying arrows cutting the air coming before a sharp twang caused panic and great fear. We scrambled around the room looking for protection but no one was safe. The scared and confused men were bumping into each other and fighting for hiding places. Sometimes one of the mini-spears of death would wiz by your head and your first thought was, "Oh thank God, they missed me," but then we would realize the arrow was meant for somebody behind us because these naked suckers didn't miss...ever.

We couldn't out run them either. Those of us that got down and hid under tables and desks were not forgotten, maybe it bought a few more seconds but in the end no one escaped. The Cupids would swoop down and pick up a table while two others would fly in and shoot the poor helpless victim. Sometimes they would just smash the table with their baby fists. In that brief fleeting second as if time stopped, through the shattered wood you'd see the child-like face of pure evil but then two arrows would sail into your eyes, for if you looked upon the devil babies, it would be the last thing you saw.

You could try to bargain with them, you could plead for your pathetic life, you could beg for mercy, but resistance was futile, for they would not listen, they would not be persuaded. Petrified yells were quickly silenced by the sharp sting of our dart pierced hearts. A loving feeling of warmth and happiness engulfed your soul and filled it like a wine glass. It was the worst thing imaginable. 

Soon the room was silent and the little terrors were done with their mission. Their objection was complete. A fluttering sound of beating wings and they were out the window without a trace.

Now we all sit here on the floor in the aftermath. Completely, hopelessly in love.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015


The Motorola Droid X2, a wonderful phone launched May 26th 2011 as a successor to the Droid X. I got this phone the week it came out and here we are almost 4 years later. Yes, 4 years later. I've had the same phone for 4 years and as we know in the life of a smartphone, 4 years is well....ancient.

The Droid X2 was my first smartphone and it was the top of the line when it was released. I wanted the newest possible phone on the market so it could last the longest. Although my Droid X2 still works, it is on life support and does not function well.

I lovingly named the voice on my phone, "Gertrude," and I will say the GPS on Gertrude has saved me many times and was rarely ever wrong. Even in areas with new roads she always came through and got me to where I needed to go.

Gertrude came from Verizon with 8 GB SD card and 8 GB Flash memory for storage. 4 years later and I still have plenty of room although the speed has decreased by a lot. The Droid X2 weighs in at 155 g, or 5.5 oz, which always felt heavy to me and is a brick compared to the newest phones on the market of today. It's very thin or at least, WAS very thin by today's standards. I always thought it was rather large, especially when in my pocket. Most phones today are at least this size if not larger.

Sadly the Droid X2 didn't live up to the upgrades of the original Droid X, which hadn't lived up to the expectations of Android users anyway. Fans of the original Droid were not happy with the Droid X2 being the successor and just 6 short months later the Droid RAZR took over as the new flagship for the Motorola lineup. Slowly but surely new and better phones came out and my high-powered, fancy, top of the line phone, soon became obsolete. Sure it still works to this day but it is showing its age and it has for the last few years.

Where did this leave the Droid X2? I know that a few months after I bought mine, Verizon went to the 4G network. The Droid X2 didn't have that capability and I have spent the last 4 years living with 3G only. That has been annoying.

I dropped my phone many times, and I had a soft rubber cover that protected it good enough. Once I was getting out of an SUV and it was on my lap, it was flung outside and landed on pavement and was fine. I say the durability was pretty good. I used one screen protector this whole time and its screen never broke.

As time went on it became more and more difficult to download and have apps on Gertrude. Many times they would stop working or mess up my phone if I tried to use them. Some never worked at all, such as Candy Crush. Like a person growing old, Gertrude slowed down and stopped doing the things she had been doing for so long. Often the touch screen will not respond. Calls will be dropped, or the GPS will act up or won't connect. More recently Gertrude will just shut herself off for no reason or when I'm trying to do something. Every day she shows signs of her age.

And so as all good things must come to an end, so too will Gertrude be shut off forever. My new phone will have to take over for Gertrude and, as they often do, become my personal aid, companion, entertainment, and source of all information.

What lies in store for me? A new phone, the Droid Turbo, named Geraldine. A lot has changed in 4 years and believe it or not, Geraldine knows her own name and responds to it. 

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

BEATNIK POEMS inspired by my Beatnik Phase

Here are some poems I wrote that were inspired by the Beatniks. I imagine most of their poems sounded something like these. Keep in mind that at poetry readings people snapped their fingers to show approval, they didn't clap. Please snap after reading each poem. Also there should be a bongo accompanying these poems.

What's a Beatnik?? Follow this link to the blog I wrote explaining everything Beatnik.

Wall Street Monsters

The cold wind of corporate America blows
and kills the flowers of my freedom.
"The Man" pollutes the river of dreams
and turns plentiful hopes into endangered thoughts.
You use the colors of your soul, grey and black
to paint over my heart with hypocrite paint.
The only thing you don't own is my soul,
and you can't tax what you don't own.

*snaps fingers*

Clothes Are A Prison

I won't be confined!
I won't be conformed!
Keep your prison!
Let me be free!
Clothes are a prison!
I'll wear what I want,
and what I want are my
own clothes!
I'll make my own clothes
out of wheat grass,
but only after it dies
of natural causes because
I won't kill a living being.

*snaps fingers*

Conform if you must...

I refuse to wear deodorant.
I refuse to shower.
I refuse to get a job.
I refuse to pay taxes.
I refuse to pay for goods and services.
I refuse to be a part of society.
I refuse to eat food.
I refuse to drink water.
I refuse to breathe air.

*snaps fingers*

The State of the Union

Corporate Juggernaut, oh I think not!
Free enterprise, won't fool these eyes!
Goatee, go free, hypocracy.
Stereotype zombie, seen wearing Abercrombie.
What craves, these mindless slaves?
Hear the lies, as nature dies!
Highs and lows, step on my toes!

*snaps fingers*

Beatnik Paradise (Greenwich Village)

I wake up, when I feel like it,
and I put on my turtle neck and leggings.
I look into water because I refuse to own a mirror.
I don't comb my hair because it is being free
and living how it wants to live.
I put on my beret and sunglasses.
I make sure my goatee is looking especially Beatnik-ish.
I walk out of my apartment into the oasis of
New York City that is,
a Beatnik's paradise, Greenwich Village.
I head to the local coffee house to hear poetry.
They all know my name there and I know theirs, but
I refuse to use them because you can't own a name man.
I listen to the poetry and I snap for their effort.
I say, pass the bongos Daddy-O and I help the others.
I know the man wants me to get a job, and make a living,
but that's not living for the Beat Generation.
It's death.
I can not die as long as I live in a Beatnik's paradise.

*snaps fingers*

Downtown Coolsville On A Saturday Night

Focus your audio my Gin Mill Cowboys and you will hear a tale.
I went out quail hunting and found a shape in a drape.
I was just a pearl diver with a lead sled but
she was a true hepcat and she knew I was everything plus.
I could tell this bird really knew her groceries.  
We had a large charge and got Dixie fried at a real red onion.
We snapped at some jazz cats and then things got crazy.
She told me to keep my hands above the Mason-Dixon line.
I was out of bread so I used hanging papers and we left.
I felt like she would someday be strutting down
varicose alley, because she was slated for crashville,
yet that night we threw babies out the balcony!
We had a real tickle at some squares.
She was amazing at back seat bingo and she's got ways like a mowing machine for sure.
I was digging her and she was digging me.
The real zonk on the head was when she wanted to
jungle up together to get away from her handcuffs.
Turns out, her Big Daddy was the driver of a Fuzz Rod!
I've got x-ray eyes for these sorts of things
and I had to noodle it out.
The chick knew I was interviewing my brain so she left me alone.
Man, she had bright disease, she was a cube in my orbs
and I would have paid a yard to get rid of her.
I had to cherry tree and told her
 I had a plucked chicken waiting at home for me.
She said she was hip to me
and would head back to her wasteland.
She told me the night had been a groove and the ginchiest
but she was going to fall out. And that was The End.

*snaps fingers*