Tuesday, February 24, 2015


We've all had them. Terrible haircuts that you wish you could just rewind the last 15 minutes of your life and run out of the place before they can scalp you. Well I just had one. 

Is it just me or does everybody else approach the barber the same way? Saying to myself, "Please don't let this be a bad haircut, please don't let this be a bad haircut." I hate these places. Over priced doesn't begin to describe the modern hairdresser but you get what you pay for! (Not at the barber) I would GLADLY pay a ton of money to get a decent haircut because my hair sucks, it always has and it always will. I just can't see a reason to spend a ton of money on my short, simple hair though, so I go to these chains that have people in them that know about cutting hair as much as Hawaiians know about shoveling snow. 

So I go to Procuts. (first mistake) I'm just looking for a quick trim, nothing special or fancy or difficult and it was really close to my house. I go in and no one else is there. (first clue) From the moment the only hairdresser in the place starts talking to me I hear a voice in my head that says, "Get out of here...dude, just get out of here, this isn't right....something's wrong....RUN, DUDE SERIOUSLY, RUN, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE." Did I listen to that voice? I wouldn't be writing this blog if I had. 

She didn't speak English very well. Not sure if that is what scared me because that has nothing to do with cutting hair. She puts on that smock thing they all use and asks me how I want my hair cut. I tell her I want it the same as it is now just shorter. And that I use the clippers on the side and back and it is blended into the top. Pretty easy instructions to understand I would think, especially for someone that has a fancy Procut degree displayed on her counter! She then asked me how I want my hair cut. (that's not a typo, she asked again.) This is how she actually said it by the way, "How you want do hair?" 

I told her again, changing nothing in my instructions. She said, "Ok, you want not too short." I figured that was a pretty good guideline to be following so I just sat there like an idiot. Like a lamb going to slaughter is what this was. Speaking of sheep, I got treated like a lamb getting sheared. So she takes out the clippers and a kind of comb I've never seen before, you'd think I would have seen every kind of comb there is by now in my lifetime, but apparently I hadn't. I'm no professional barber but her technique was just terrible. She used the clippers on my head like someone uses a taser on someone else. Quick jabs at my hair is how she did it. 

She then says to me, "How you want sideburns?" I said, "Oh they are fine how they are, just leave them." She repeats, "Just leave them, ok." Now, I'm not a translator for whatever language she spoke but "just leave them" must have meant, "cut the shit out of them" because THAT'S what she did. She took over an inch off my sideburns with her bullshit jabbing motion. Look, again, I'm not a professional  but that's not how you use those things! So the sideburns are gone completely, leveled with my ear now, whatever, they grow back, who cares? Still a part of me wanted to say, "Hey dumbass, what part of LEAVE THEM, didn't you understand???" I didn't need to ask that question because the answer was clearly, NONE OF IT SIR. 

She continues her scalping, I mean cutting, and the whole time I feel like I'm being abused. She was smacking me around and hitting me with the towel to get the hair off and grabbing my head and shoving it down and up so she could cut the hair. I know most barbers are hands on, but this was crazy! I wanted to stop her and say, "Do I know you? Did I offend you in some other life??? Are you angry at me or someone else today???" It actually was a painful experience and she burned me with the blow drier. *sigh* That's what I deserve I suppose. 

She used that squirt bottle they all have to wet your hair so they can cut it. She just kept spraying my hair until it was literally dripping wet. Luckily she slapped off the water with her towel. Then when it was all done I go to pay and escape and she tells me it is going to be 17 dollars! 17 bucks for a trim?? Seriously what robbery. I knew she meant business though, maybe that's why she roughed me up so much, to send a message. Let me do some math on that folks. It took her less than 10 minutes to cut my hair, at that rate she would make $102.00 an hour, which is 4,080 dollars a week, 16,320 dollars a month, and $195,840.00 a year. Not counting tips. College??? Should have gone to beauty school! 

So I give her my card and she hands me the receipt to sign and tells me the tip should be 5 dollars! First of all, a tip is an extra bit of gratitude for a job well done, that's what it is, it isn't part of the price of the haircut, that is what 17 dollars is for, you did the job and you got paid, a tip is 100% completely optional. (That goes for you waiters out there too) There is no law that says you have to give one and there is no law that says it HAS to be a certain percentage either. So don't tell me what your tip is going to be....EVER. Because if you do, your new tip becomes ZERO because you're an asshole. AND IF WAITERS WANT TO BITCH NOW about how that is where most of your money comes from, well get a new job or do a better job and EARN a tip, just don't expect one. Anyway, I write a 3, not sure why I even did that. She looks at it and tells me THE TOTAL WAS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I thought a 3 dollar tip on a 17 dollar haircut was pretty generous considering this was the second worst haircut of my life. At this point I was really just plain sick and tired of her terrible attempt at English, she didn't so much speak it as she just chewed it up and spit it out, so I just said, "Yes." and walked out. I'm sure she was confused by that but I didn't care, she didn't deserve 5 cents let alone several dollars PLUS the total was already 17 so that just means your tip is going to be smaller. I'm sorry but it doesn't cost you that much money to operate scissors. Why are we all paying these outrageous amounts??? 

It's times like these I really wish I was a mean person. I would have looked her right in the eyes and said, "YOU GET NOTHING!!!" Just like Willy Wonka. Then I would have said, ''YOU'LL GET AS MUCH OF A TIP AS I HAVE SIDEBURNS, WHICH IS NONE!!!" She would be confused at this point so I'd continue, "THIS HAIRCUT WAS BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD!!!" She'd probably be tearing up now or maybe trying to justify something or maybe even apologize but I'd just say, "YOU DID NOTHING RIGHT, JUST LIKE LIFE, YOU SUCK AT LIFE, STOP SUCKING AT LIFE SO MUCH, I WISH YOU'D JUST DRINK THAT BLUE COMB JUICE YOU ALL HAVE ON YOUR COUNTERS AND END IT ALL!!!" Perhaps that last part is too harsh. Besides she didn't have that comb juice, which is odd because they all do. What is that stuff anyway??? Where was hers??? Did she even work there?????? I'm starting to have my doubts. 

All in all I will never go back, ever, for any reason. I also advise everyone to stay away from this place and others like it. Here's an actual tip for her and all the other barbers and hairdressers out there, YOU'RE NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO CHARGE 17 DOLLARS PLUS A TIP FOR A TRIM, THE ONLY REASON WHY PEOPLE DON'T CUT THEIR OWN HAIR IS BECAUSE WE CAN'T SEE BEHIND OUR HEADS, IF HUMANS COULD, YOU WOULDN'T EXIST. 

It also occurred to me that she may have been mentally challenged and or blind. If that is the case then I apologize whole heartedly and commend her for doing such a wonderful job on my hair. However, we know that's not true because even a blind mentally challenged person could have done a better job. 

The biggest regret of the day for me is the fact that all my life I've been waiting to use a very funny special line that I heard on tv many years ago. Remember that show In Living Color? In one sketch a barber keeps messing up people's hair and at one point he asks where his tip is, the man replies that he will break the tip of his shoe off in his ass. I've always wanted to say that about a tip to the person asking for one after being angry at them for doing a terrible job. Not only was this the most perfect time ever for that, it actually was in a barber shop just like in the skit. Really bad day for me here people, really bad. That's not my two cents, my two cents went to pay for this horrible haircut. 

Here is the clip if you want to watch it. My experience was pretty much just like this, only I would have rather gone to this fake barbershop than the one I went to today! 

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