8 SIMPLE STEPS TO BECOME A MIME

Aspiring mimes want to know, how do I become one of those color blind mute unfunny cousins of the clowns? Well it's easier than you think! Just follow these 8 simple steps and YOU TOO can become a street preforming idiot!

Step 1: Decide if becoming a mime is right for you. Do you have any talent? Are you interested in normal things? Are you in a relationship? Are you smart? If you answered yes to any of these you are NOT mime material. If you must be a mime make sure you don't want to be a clown instead, this is a common mistake by most pantomimes, yes that's the correct actual term for these zebra dressed street preforming silent clowns.

Step 2: Ditch your colors. Mimes wear two colors, white and black. (please don't give me any crap about white and black not being actual colors) If you wear ANY color other than white and black, you are not going to make it as a mime. Black and white, especially stripes and berets are the only things you should be wearing. If you don't look like a mime you won't feel like a mime. (Keep that in mime.)

Step 3: If only wearing white and black wasn't enough, and apparently it isn't, you'll also have to get used to wearing white face paint. If you are Irish odds are your face is already white enough so go ahead and skip to step 4. If not, you'll want to cover your face in white paint or makeup. Looking at a picture of Michael Jackson is always helpful, (Note: only after 1990).

Step 4: Stop speaking. Mimes do not use their voices, no matter what. This won't be easy especially when answering the phone or being called on in class, but this what you have to give up to live the dream so it's worth it right? Keep in mind people will hit and kick you when you're on the street and it won't be easy to keep your mouth shut, but keep your mouth shut you must.

Step 5: Practice makes perfect, but how does one practice on invisible imaginary props?? By using REAL objects, that's how! Many people don't know this, but there are no actual invisible objects, it's all pretend. Trap yourself daily in glass boxes and try to find ways out by touching the sides over and over again. Tie a rope to something large and heavy and pull it each and every day. Climb to the top of a ladder that goes nowhere, get a huge fan and try to walk into the wind, lean on walls, and just mimic the people around you. (WARNING: you're gonna get hit)

Step 6: If you've made it this far congratulations, you are on your way to becoming a mime! Mimes preform only in the streets due to the fact that nobody would hire them to do their stupid act in any sort of building. You'll need to get used to being on the street, sidewalks, in crowds of people and in front of popular buildings and nice fountains. Spend as much time as you can outside on the street, it will toughen you up for the difficult times ahead. (Keep this in mime.)

Step 7: Balancing the budget is very important for today's busy pantomime on the go. Keep in mind you'll be VERY poor because mimes don't make a lot of money. Every now and again you might get paid to leave the area you are preforming in or kids may throw change at you. A good mime can make close to a dollar a day. Eat a lot of Top Ramen soup because that's pretty much all you'll be able to afford. It is for this reason that all mimes are so skinny, fun little fact for you. (Keep your money on your mime and your mime on your money.)

Step 8: You're all ready to go out into the colorful world of being a mime! Good for you. Now to find your own turf. Choose a spot free of jugglers, street magicians, street gamblers, acoustic guitar playing hippies, any kind of real street musician, anyone with a puppet, and above all else, OTHER MIMES. Mimes are very territorial and the last thing you want to do is get into a mime fight. (You don't want to lose your mime.) Find a spot that gets a lot of people traffic and has enough room for you to get noticed.

Well there you go, if you follow these 8 simple steps I'm sure you will become a mime....for some reason. I hope you make it and if you do, please don't stop doing what you love, after all, a mime is a terrible thing to waste.

HOW TO TELL IF YOU HAVE AN UGLY BABY

Well someone out there has an ugly baby, you're probably thinking, NOT ME!!! Well then who? It's true that every mother and father love their baby and believe that its cute and adorable and precious but the simple fact is, THERE ARE UGLY BABIES IN THE WORLD. So how will you know if your baby is ugly, surely you won't think so and no one is about to tell you what a hideous baby you have (even though they all talk about it behind your back) so what's the answer? I'll teach you the 4 fastest ways to tell if you have an ugly baby.

Way 1: The Reaction. A good way to determine if your baby is ugly is by other people's reactions. They won't come out and SAY it's ugly, but they'll give away their true feelings if you pay close attention. When seeing an actual cute baby people say right away, "What a cute baby!" or "How cute!" or "He's soooo adorable!!!" Be careful and listen if your baby is ugly their compliment won't come out so fast because their mind needs time to register a fake compliment that they can pass as true to trick you, the stupid parent of an ugly child. It will sound more like this, "Ohhhhh....my, what a little guy you have." Notice the slight hesitation at the very beginning of the comment. This isn't as easy for some parents to recognize, but don't worry, there are more ways.

Way 2: The Alternative Compliment. Compliments aren't always true, often people lie right to a parents face to avoid an ugly situation, pun not intended. These are nice people and they are just being polite. Sometimes a person just can't lie, so they do something more sly, they give a compliment that ISN'T a lie. If a person comments on your baby's outfit or tiny shoes or stuffed toy.....you probably have an ugly baby.

Way 3: The Fuss. This is probably the most noticeable way to tell if you have an ugly offspring. Look around the room when you are in a place with many people. Is there a crowd around your baby making a fuss over it? If not it's probably because it's an ugly baby and they could care less to waste their time on it. How long does the crowd stay to make a fuss over your baby, a few minutes or hours? The less time spent on your baby the more likely it is that you have a baby nobody wants to make a fuss over. An even better way is if there is more than one baby there, are they making a fuss over the other baby? If so it's pretty obvious why.

Way 4: Ugly Plus Ugly Equals Ugly. You love your spouse and that's wonderful, but let's be honest, if they are ugly, odds are you are also ugly and if that is the case, odds are even better that your baby is also ugly just due to the fact that you both are ugly people. Many kids are just ugly by default, it is a genetic thing and nothing you can do about it.

So if you have read all 4 ways and you now fear that your baby is ugly......it is. Having an ugly kid isn't such a bad thing, after all you found someone to have sex with so if your baby grows up to be an ugly person there is still hope for them! Besides, you love your baby no matter what it looks like and isn't that the real point? Keep in mind that most babies are ugly at first and turn into adorable little kids so don't give up hope so soon you pessimist.

The 2011 East Coast Earthquake

Well today is a day I won't soon forget. Today I was in an earthquake. This isn't my first earthquake, I experienced many of them in Alaska but I don't remember any. So this is my first earthquake that I could remember.

I was in my office building, not doing work, and all of a sudden I felt shaking. I felt things like this before, especially if someone is moving around furniture on the floor above me, but not quite the same, this was much more movement and it lasted much longer. I remember someone asking what was going on and I said, this building is definitely moving. Then I remember someone asking if it was an earthquake. I thought of this too, but we don't usually get them here in PA or on the east coast, not big enough to feel anyway. I started to wonder about the building falling down, after all it wasn't built to withstand an earthquake. I got up to head for the door because I thought if it was falling down, I would try to make a run for it instead of being buried alive. Then it stopped and we were all talking about it and what had just happened.

With use of the internet we soon knew it was in fact an earthquake! I was the first person I know to post it on facebook, many, many posts came after mine, but I was the earliest. Being in an earthquake was kinda cool, no one was hurt and my house didn't fall down so there were no draw backs to this one, but that's my two cents.

ART: Fun with Negatives

I took some pictures using my Imac's camera, one of the effects they have on it is called "X-ray" here are some of those shots.

Interview with a clown

You know many of us hate clowns. They aren't funny, they aren't cute, and in some cases they are down right terrifying. So I had to find out why clowns choose to be clowns or perhaps....it isn't something they choose? I sat down with a real live clown to find the answers YOU all want to know.

Andrew: Hello, please have a seat mr.......?

Clown: Chuckles, my name is Chuckles! *annoying clown laugh*

Andrew: Please don't do that again.

Clown: Oh come on! Its funny, I'm a silly guy!

Andrew: That's your opinion. Now for the questions. Mr. Chuckles, tell me, what on earth possessed you to become a clown? One of the top most hated AND feared creatures on this planet?

Clown: Well....when you put it like that......Look, I enjoy making people laugh, and I love to see kids smile, as a clown, I can do both of those things!

Andrew: Really? Do you realize you also FRIGHTEN small children and the elderly?

Clown: Only a small percentage of people are afraid of clowns Andrew.

Andrew: I doubt that stat Mr. Clown, in fact can any of us name ANYONE that even likes clowns?? Hell, I'd even say CAN STAND clowns?

Clown: Ronald McDonald. Need I say more?

Andrew: Oh those kids don't go for the clown, they go for the cheap toys and bad food and you know it. But the real question is, why the make up? Are you hiding from something?

Clown: The face paint makes us look funny and happy, its all for the fun of it!

Andrew: I see the hidden painted up face of a KILLER.

Clown: Hey now....there is no reason for that, one movie was made where a clown was the killer and we are all looked down upon for it, that's not fair.

Andrew: So then why all the bright big stupid looking clothes? Is a painted face and big colorful wig not enough of an attention getter that you have to also make up special clothes too?

Clown: Again, it's all for fun, I don't see why I have to defend myself here, I'm not on trial.

Andrew: Not yet you're not but with pants that big somebody could easily hide A MURDER WEAPON IN THEM!!! AH HA! ADMIT IT!

Clown: I have no idea what you're talking about and quite frankly I think you need help.

Andrew: Is that a threat??? Did we get that? Him threatening me??

Clown: This interview is over! I'm out of here jackass.

Andrew: Run away from your problems, just like a mime.

Clown: ...........you go too far with that one sir...........

Andrew: Well the clown is now a sad clown and he is leaving. But behind the make up and the red nose and the afro wig and the big stupid pants and the over sized novelty shoes there beats the heart of a confused individual, and a cold blooded murder as well. Clowns give us absolutely no reason to like them or even keep them around and yet....like cockroaches, they just won't go away. Maybe someday society will stand up to these colorful bastards and force them back into the wild but in the meantime we will have to sleep with one eye open, but that's my two cents.

Life: Little Known Charlie Brown Facts....

We all know and love the Peanuts characters, but here are some little known facts about the timeless comic strip...

The piano song that everybody recognizes as the peanuts theme is actually titled, "Linus and Lucy" but less well known is that song's original title was, " The Hooray Hitler is Dead Rag"

Snoopy is a beagle and beagles are not white and black but Charles M. Schulz was color blind and honestly thought all beagles were only black and white.

Charles M. Schulz did name Charlie Brown after himself, he also named the character Pigface after his wife. To avoid suspicion, he changed the name to Pigpen.

Lucy was arrested for unlawfully giving out psychiatric advice without a license. She was also sued for malpractice.

Schroeder actually could play the piano, however years of his hunched over approach to playing left him with a horrible case of scoliosis, one he never recovered from and left him paralyzed for life...he did write a song about it though.

Many people speculated that the last comic of the Peanuts series would see Charlie Brown finally kick that football, Charles M. Schulz made several variations of the final comic. The final comic did NOT have Charlie Brown kicking the football, but in one of the versions Charlie Brown savagely beats the living crap out of Lucy after she pulls the football away, getting revenge from years of torment with the old football gag.

Charlie Brown's teacher always sounded like a muted trumpet. The reason for this is because Charles M. Schulz had an elementary teacher who had a stroke, he always found new and inventive ways to make fun of her but never as good as the joke he put in every Peanut cartoon about her disability.

Charles M. Schulz, being a homosexual himself, decided to make the first gay cartoon character. Even before Velma from Scooby Doo, and way before Snaggle Puss, we had Peppermint Patty and Marcie.

Lucy was named after a highschool sweetheart of Charles M. Schulz. The editor of the peanuts comic strip forced Charles to change the spelling of her name because he refused to allow the original, "Loosey" into the news papers.

Charles M. Schulz believed in the Great Pumpkin himself, since he was a pagan. Unknown and unmentioned in other movies, Charles also worshiped, in addition to the Great Pumpkin, The Holy Potato, The Wonderful Watermelon, The Magical Mango, The Amazing Asparagus, The Uncanny Kumquat and Dr. Pepper.

It's a well known fact that Charles M Schulz hated cancer patients. To make fun of them on a weekly basis he made Charlie Brown bald.

And even though its not a Peanuts fact.......

Gary Glitter's song "Rock and Roll part 2" was a sequel and is better known around sporting events as the popular, "Hey!" song. Gary Glitter followed it up with another sequel known as the, "What?!?!" song.

Pets: We Remember Tux

Well my bunny Tuxedo, Tux, as we called him for short, died today. This picture was the last taken of him, in early Spring Tux was enjoying the warm weather and sun. He was born June 24th 2007.

I got Tux several years ago for the purpose of showing him at fairs. He was the best overall in his litter but I never had the chance to show him, which is too bad because I'm sure he would have won something at some point. Tux was named after his black and white pattern, he was a black otter mini rex rabbit, and his father, "Hershey," was a champion winning a Best of Show.

Although I never showed Tux, it didn't matter, he was a good bunny. He loved carrots and he loved apples. In the spring time he couldn't wait for that first blade of new grass, which he also loved to much on. The little neighbor boy would come over to see him and give him treats. He also loved to chew on apple wood that I would give to him from our apple tree. But he loved his rabbit pellets the most, and only his certain brand, otherwise he would turn up his nose to it.

Tux loved the cold weather and snow. Anytime it snowed he would be out on the little "deck" I made for him outside his hutch. He would lay there and watch it snow and he would lick up the snow as it gathered in his pen. If you caught him enjoying the first snow fall of the season, you would get to see him hopping around his pen in excitement.

One night in the early fall time I came into the kitchen at 2a.m. Usually I would turn on the kitchen light, but for some strange reason I left it off and walked towards the window that looks out into our backyard and where you can see Tux's pen. I saw a dark figure in the yard and thought it was a neighbor dog, but as I looked closer I saw it was a deer. I never saw a deer that close to our house before. It was a doe with her baby and they were eating apples off the ground. I could see Tux running back and forth in his pen, standing on his hide legs and putting his front paws on the wire sides. (This is what he would do when I or anyone else would come to see him or feed him.) He thought the deer were his friends. And they, not being one bit scared of him, enjoyed a few apples before moving on.

Tux was by far the softest bunny I had ever felt. His fur was like velvet, he was a mini rex and that's what the rex's are known for, their extremely soft fur. It's what made me want a rex in the first place. He would let you pet him as he ate and I would play with his ears and scold him for all his tick marks, (the random white hairs outside his pattern, the only negative thing he had for a show rabbit).

Tux will be missed, and not just by me. The woman I bought Tux from was a major breeder and shower of rabbits. She too died earlier in a car accident. I used to send her random emails every year with pictures of Tux, I'm sure she appreciated it. Rabbits make wonderful pets, they are small, quiet, affectionate, and easy to care for. As far as rabbits go, Tux was the best. Tuxedo, 6/24/07 - 8/17/11

Movie: DIRTY DANCING'S ALTERNATE ENDING

Sometimes I wish certain scenes in certain movies turned out differently. Although I can't remake a movie, I CAN rewrite the scene according to how I would like to see it. Tonight I'll rewrite the famous ending scene of Dirty Dancing so that it fits more accurately to real life. This is MY take on the famous, "nobody puts baby in a corner," line.

*Patrick Swayze enters and marches up to the Houseman table*

Jonny: "Nobody puts baby in a corner.........come on."

Jake: "WO, WAIT A MINUTE....excuse me?? EXCUSE ME??? Nobody puts baby in a corner?? Who the hell do you think you are marching in here like this and just declaring who does what to my daughter?? I'M HER FATHER!!! I'll put her where I damn well please, ESPECIALLY IN A CORNER! She is only 17, she isn't even legal! I'm a rich doctor and you're clearly a pedophile, need I remind you that YOU have already been fired from this cheap ass resort and I could have you escorted off these premises?"

*Jonny clenches his fists and stares with a furious rage as Jake gets up from the table*

Jonny: "You don't realize that your daughter is just trying to rebel against you because you are so damn stuffy that you're controlling every part of her life!"

Jake: "NO SHIT SHERLOCK! I'm her father! She is a stupid teenager, no 17 year old knows whats best for them even though they all think they do! By the way, I am a DOCTOR, I think I made some pretty good decisions in my life time, so don't sit here and tell me how to raise my daughter, it's none of your damn business! You don't even have a job! The crappy job you did have, BEFORE I GOT YOUR ASS FIRED, was just some lame dance instructor at a summer resort, big money in that! God you're stupid. .........What's the matter Jonny, you look like you want to HIT ME? Is that what you're gonna do big man? Hit a snooty old guy in the face? I hope you do, you little snot nosed prick, then I can press charges against you, get a restraining order on you and while I'm at get you on statutory rape charges because MY DAUGHTER IS UNDER AGE!"

*Jonny looks at Baby*

Jonny: "You're not worth it, what am I thinking?? You're only 17 years old....."

Baby: "NO JONNY, I LOVE YOU!!!"

Jonny: "Love? I just met you a few weeks ago, damn you're needy. You know what...I'm sorry Dr. Houseman, you're right, I'll leave your daughter alone."

Jake: "You're damn right you will. And as for YOU, you get your little slut ass in the car, we're leaving before any members of the kitchen staff take a shot at you."

Baby: "I HATE YOU DAD, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!!!"

Jake: "Oh please, cry me a river, you're just an emotional teenager that has mistaken puppy love for the real thing, trust me sweety, I'm your father and I care about you, this jerk is no good for you, I mean come on, Jonny Castle??? I doubt thats even his real name! This is all for your own good."

Jonny: You haven't seen the last of me!!!

Jake: "Give it a rest Jonny, if I catch you near my daughter again I'll make sure you get more than fired, I'll make sure you go to jail which is where you should be right now anyways. I'm still disgusted that you two tricked me into paying for that botched abortion but I'll let that slide as long as you never come near my family again, NOW GET IN THE CAR."

THE END

Pluto, no longer a planet

So scientists now say that Pluto is no longer a planet. What a kick in the nuts for poor ol' Pluto, am I right? It makes me wonder what else they can just downgrade like that? I've taken the liberty to change the formal status of certain things myself. Please note the following changes to your daily lives, as we had to do with Pluto...

Friday is no longer a weekday, it is now part of the weekend.

Red is no longer a color, it's a number.

"The" is no longer a definite article, it's a verb.

Spoons are no longer silverware, they are now dishes.

Drums are no longer percussion instruments, they are now woodwinds.

Dogs are no longer man's best friend, they are just acquaintances.

Europe is no longer a continent, it's an ocean.

French is no longer a language, it's now gibberish.

Whales are no longer mammals, they are fish.

Roses are no longer flowers, they are weeds like dandelions.

Superman is no longer a super hero, he is just an alien.

Beef is no longer what's for dinner, it's what's for breakfast.

Apples are no longer fruit, they are now known as tree fetuses.

Skin is no longer an organ, it is now a piano.

Beer is no longer an alcoholic beverage, it's now soda.

The Navy is longer a branch of the military, it is now the coast guard.

Harvard is no longer a university, it's just a day care center.

Baseball is no longer a sport, it is now a sedative.

Y is no longer a chromosome or sometimes a vowel, it's only a letter.

New York is no longer a state, it's a city.

New York is no longer a city, it's a town.

Guns no longer kill people, people kill people.

Cheers is no longer filmed in front of a live studio audience.

My Pez Collection

My Pez collection started in 2004 with a Sylvester cat, 3CPO, an Ewok, a Yoda, and Spider man that I had from when I was younger. I then purchased the 4 Incrediblesdispenser set that was the most current out and my how my collection has grown!

With a grand total of 453 pez dispensers, with 46 of them being duplicates (more than one of the same pez, example, I have two penn state football pez dispensers). Many of these I bought on my own, a few were gifts but very few, I think I can count on one hand how many were given to me. Most come from stores but a lot come from ebay.

Collecting Pez has been around since the 1950's when Pez came out. Originally they were mints for smokers but soon became candy and aimed towards kids. I have some rare and expensive pez dispensers but which one is my favorite? It's hard to say, like many parents

with their kids, there is always a clear favorite but honestly I'm not sure I have one.

Pez, in my opinion, makes one of the best things to collect for these reasons.

1. They are cheap, costing only a dollar or slightly over.

2. They can be found almost anywhere, from all kind of stores to the internet to garage sales.

3. They appreciate in value, every single one of my dispensers costs more than the day I bought it, and that's nice to know.

4. They have been around for so long that there is always something to look for and always a good challenge to find certain ones, while at the same time quite easy obtaining new ones!

5. There has never been a better time to start collecting Pez, Pez has come out with more new series of Pez dispensers in the last few years than they ever have, with no end in sight, there will always be something to collect!

Pez make great gifts and are fun to collect. I've always wanted to have a collection and throughout the years I have tried, but in the end Pez really is the best thing to collect, but that's my two cents.

Blast from the Past: FABULAND LEGOS

In the early 80's my mother returned home from her symphony's European tour and she came bearing gifts.....

In 1979 Lego introduced its "Fabuland" line of legos, these legos were to become the go between from duplo to legos, they targeted girls and boys in a very specific age range. Fabuland characters were animals that had people bodies. The bodies looked very similar to the common modern lego man body but it was thicker and wider and the head was much larger, still able to stand and sit on real lego blocks. This was an awesome feature because they could be used with real lego sets and blocks, unlike the Duplo sets where you had to have ONLY Duplo stuff. Each animal had a specific name which was kind of cool, although there were several different kinds of cats, for example, they each had a different name. The one in a blue shirt that came with a fishing pole was called Cornelius, and we had him. My mother brought home the set of a panda and a monkey that came with a cart for them to ride in back in 1985.

I remember the monkey but we have no idea where he is to this day. I still have panda, old and worn out with his joints very loose, I always held a special place for this unique lego toy in my heart and back when I played with legos, Panda was always the old patriarch of my lego city. We had Elmer the elephant and Cornelius Cat and at one point I had Clover Cow but they weren't held in such high regard as the old European Panda.

The idea was to make a tv show and clothes and much more with Fabuland characters but it never happened and in 1989 they stopped making the Fabuland line. The only place to find Fabuland legos today is ebay. I think this was a great idea and a wonderful transition for kids to move from the big bulky Dulpo sets to the tiny detailed world of Legos. I know its probably what got me started into Legos, since I was only 3 when I received Perry Panda and Chester Chimp. (now i know the names thanks to http://www.fabuland.net/ )

Lego should really reconsider coming up with another Fabuland line or one like it to help get the younger kids into Legos, but that's a Lego lovers two cents.

Summer Movie Reviews

Well after an entire year I decided to start blogging this blogging blog for all you blogging bloggers out there! To start off I will review The Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

So yet another Planet of the Apes movie, WAIT, before you walk away please understand Tim Burton didn't have any hand in this movie! Ok, now that you have sat back down let me tell you a little about it.

If you are a big fan of the old movies then you just may hate this movie, but you may also give it your approval, as I have. We don't need to discuss Tim Burton's pile of crap, it doesn't count, shouldn't have been made, and is one of the funniest movies ever made, I feel bad enough even having to mention it. Seriously Tim Burton, when is the last time you made a movie that did well at the box office??? Don't start saying stuff about willy wonka or alice in wonder land, they flopped even if you did like them.

SPOILER ALERT FOR THOSE WHO DIDNT SEE THE ORIGINAL MOVIES...

So the Rise of the Planet of the Apes is technically a prequel to the 1960's movies. In it, we learn how the Apes will someday take over earth. What we know from the old movies is that one day apes will become our new favorite pet and then our new favorite slaves until one fateful day one of the apes will speak a word, the word, "no." The new movie held true to this little fact, and I was expecting it throughout the movie, however they put a twist of the whole pet story.

In the movie we are testing drugs on apes to see if we can get the brain to develop cells and repair itself, thus having a cure for such things as Alzheimer's. Not only do the apes show an increase in brain cell repair, they show a massive gain in intelligence. This is the problem for the humans. The first story had Cornelius and Zira's son Caesar, already being able to speak, as the main ape that led the revolt against the humans.

One such ape, Caesar, which may sound familiar to us because it was the character played by Roddy Mcdowall in the early 70's, is an ape that was born to another ape that showed improvements. Hidden by the doctor at his home, Caesar grows and develops intelligence that far surpasses normal apes. You can figure out the rest from here.

This was a good movie, as good as the original? Well to be fair it isn't a remake and it isn't an addition to the story, its more like a prequel to the idea of the movie. But it definitely is worth a watch. At the end of the day it has many monkeys going crazy and smashing stuff with their patented chimp yells, and isn't that worth it right there people?? Maybe and maybe not but thats my two cents.