Popular Books Rewritten as Books for Children: Moby Dick

Moby Dick Poster by Jillian Nickell

Once upon a time, there was a douche-bag. You know what a douche-bag is, don't you? Well, you will by the end of this book!

His name was Ahab, and he was the captain of a whaling ship. Ahab named his ship the Pequod. A dumb name for a ship, we can all agree on that but to be fair, Ahab used to have a much better ship that was destroyed by a whale. The whale said it was an accident and he didn't see any damage, but Ahab lost his ship AND his leg. 

You'd think a guy that makes his living on a ship wouldn't really mind having a peg leg, because, hello, you're on a ship idiot! What other profession is it acceptable to have a peg leg?? None, other than sailor right? Well, Ahab didn't see the irony here and vowed revenge on the whale that did this to him. The whale's name was Moby, he was a white sperm whale. Giggle all you want, the sperm whale is actually named after whale sperm....so....joke's on you!

Ahab never told his crew that he caught Moby sleeping with his wife and that was the real reason why he was so angry, but trust me, that's what happened! Ahab offered his crew money if they killed Moby, and they were like, "Hey, do it yourself, we don't care about your revenge! Killing a poor innocent whale out of anger is a horrible reason, we want to kill whales for the good reasons!" 

Ahab was like, "Everybody just calm down, I offered money to make things a bit more interesting. Nobody enjoys killing whales, but hey, if you have to kill a whale, you might as well enjoy it!" 

You wouldn't think you could just find a single specific whale in the pacific ocean, especially when you can't see underwater, but that didn't stop Ahab! He just sails around looking for the mysterious white whale and he refuses to gam with other ships. 

What is a gam you ask? (After you read it several times in the sentence above trying to figure it out) It is when two whaling ships stop to chit-chat about various things, such as, their love of killing peaceful gentle giants to make a slightly more affordable lantern oil. 

Queequeg is Ahab's buddy. He is really good at killing whales. It's like a gift, he was born with this whale killing ability. This guy was so talented in whale killing that Sports Illustrated ranked him in the top ten. When baby whales have nightmares in their sleep, it's Queequag they dream about. He gets sick one day and is like, "I'm probably gonna die, so make me a coffin!" They do but then he's like, "Actually I'm fine, thanks for the coffin, I'll make a boat out of it." Ahab puts his hands on his hips and shakes his head saying, "Oh that Queequeg!"

At this point, the entire crew hates Ahab. They call him Captain Jerk behind his back. They keep telling him to just go home and give up on the crazy idea of deep sea revenge. However, a true douche-bag only listens to himself!

So one day Moby is just swimming around, minding his own whale business when Ahab spots him and is like, "The money is mine, I spotted him. See I told you the money incentive would be fun and interesting!" They lower the boats and go after Moby but he wants none of that! Moby starts smashing the boats and killing people. 

Ahab is like, "YOU NEED A TIME OUT MISTER!" and starts harpooning the crap out of Moby. You might think getting stabbed repeatedly makes whales happy, but no, it makes them angry. Ahab gets tangled in all the ropes and is dragged off to sea while stuck to the side of Moby. 

I don't know the moral of the story. It's like it doesn't even have one. The asshole is a douche-bag throughout the whole book and finally gets what he deserves in the end. OH! There's the moral! The moral of the story is, if you're an asshole, eventually you'll get whats coming to you. 

THE END