Monday, March 24, 2014


A newly discovered secret diary belonging to Thomas Jefferson proves that Bigfoot exists! He also was in Philadelphia and part of the continental congress! 

July 1, 1776

Dear Diary,
John Adams, Ben Franklin, and I have finished the final copy of what we call, The Declaration of Independence. We worked very hard on it and presented it to the continental congress. There are some among us who do not agree with our declaration. One such fellow is a massive hairy man that calls himself Bigfoot. No one seems to know which state Bigfoot is from either as he says, "it's that one you know, from over down the up way, right by that other state place thingy."  He stinks worse than if a skunk crapped his pantaloons, sat in it for a few days, and then rolled in garbage, .....being the hot month of July does not help either. Bigfoot flipped through the final version of the declaration and threw it on the table and demanded we do it again. He then refused to hear our reasoning for the contents and walked out of the meeting stating that he was going to go find Samuel Adams so they could go invent beer. 

July 2, 1776

Dear Diary,
Bigfoot entered his own Declaration of Independence for consideration, which he named, "The Kick-Ass, Britain Sucks, Declaration of War." No one agrees with his backward principles, upside down philosophy, and gross rhetoric. Ben Franklin pointed out that it clearly made Bigfoot king of America and all of us his slaves if we were to sign it. Bigfoot just rolled his eyes and mocked him saying Ben wanted to be king of America and that he was a bald fat idiot who was just jealous that he didn't come up with the idea first. Ben smiled and calmly stated that, "a great fool opens his mouth and proves it." As Bigfoot got up to leave, he told Ben Franklin to go fly a kite in a thunderstorm and see what happens. He walked out of Independence Hall again, leaving us to wait another day to sign our declaration.

July 3, 1776

Dear Diary,
John Hancock has refused to sign our Declaration of Independence. He claims it will destroy the colonies and force the British Empire to crush us into oblivion. Bigfoot found this statement to be hilarious as he laughed so hard he pissed himself. Bigfoot also giggles every time someone says the name, John Hancock. Before John Hancock walked out, he stated that IF he were to sign it, the King would need his spectacles just to read his name. Bigfoot told us we were all better off without him and to go ahead and just sign the stupid thing already because he had a bald eagle in the oven and couldn't wait any longer. This caused a great uproar and we again adjourned without signing. 

July 4, 1776

Dear Diary, 
We all finally agreed to sign the Declaration of Independence, which Bigfoot refers to as our, "Declaration of a Death Sentence." Bigfoot wanted to point out how strong the British empire was, despite how gay they all appear. Bigfoot did get in line to sign it but in the very back. Each time someone took the plume to sign, Bigfoot would yell from the back such things as, DON'T DO IT MORON, or NO! or STOP! or YOU'LL BE SORRY! or BIGGER MISTAKE THAN THE ONE YOUR MOTHER MADE WITH ME LAST NIGHT! John Hancock was second to last in line but when it was finally his turn he couldn't bring himself to do it, he apologized and walked out. Then it was Bigfoot's turn, he said he now sees it our way and didn't see the real harm in starting a war with the most powerful country on earth. Upon review of the signatures, Bigfoot's could not be found. We did, oddly enough, find a forged John Hancock signature, very large and in the middle of the page. 

July 5, 1776 

Dear Diary,
Bigfoot came to my house today to see if we would change our minds about sending the Declaration of Independence. I told him it was done and we must all stand in the face of tyranny. Bigfoot asked if he could possibly just sit down and off to the side of tyranny but I reassured him this is what we must do. Bigfoot asked if I would reconsider sending his version along with ours, I declined.  Bigfoot said the only thing that will be free is our heads from our bodies when the British troops come to kill us for our treason. Bigfoot then questioned why a man with so many slaves would claim that, "All men are created equal." I had Toby throw him out. 

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