MOVIE REVIEWS: WHEELS OF TERROR

 I just found out there was a movie from 1990 about a 1974 Dodge Charger that terrorized the land! What a great idea for a movie but as we know the acting in 1990 was some of the worst of all time and if something was made for tv, it was even worse. So how bad or good was this movie? Find out now! Just imagine Jaws if it took place on the land and not in the ocean, and instead of a shark it was a 1974 Dodge Charger, and instead of beach goers it's young girls, that's this movie.

It stars..............no one you've ever heard of. The movie opens up with a man and his daughter broken down on the side of the road with their white Ford Tempo. Already highly accurate and believable. We then see a dirty 74 Charger coming down the road and the man thinks, "Oh good, this car will stop and save us!" BUT OH NO HE DIDN'T. Like most 1974 Dodge Chargers, it speeds up and smashed the Tempo's door off. (Some will say the Ford Tempo's door just happened to fall off as they often did and it was merely coincidence that the Charger was driving by at the exact same time). We then see the Charger back up and the door opens..............the scene ends there and we have no clue who or what or why this is happening, but we are intrigued.

Next we get to meet the main character of the story. She's a single mom that moved from L.A. to be in this tiny Arizona town, classic story. She also happens to be a bus driver and just so happens the guy that works on the buses, a stereotypical Mexican mechanic named Luis, put a racing engine into her bus! Well of course he did because that makes perfect sense! (Hmm...I wonder if that race engine will come into play later on....probably not). She seems happy in this town, as does her daughter Stephanie. When she is picking Stephanie up from gymnastics class she asks the teacher what are the odds of winning and the teacher replies with, "All I know is, I'm going to sleep with every male judge there." That's pretty blunt lady and cheaters never prosper! Either way you never hear about that again so it's not important I just laughed really hard at that line.

While driving kids home from school the Charger stalks her and them. You never see who is driving the car BUT we do often see their perspective from inside the Charger as kids are walking home from school. The bus driver woman takes some kids home. He comes up and drives close to them making the kids and the woman very worried and distraught. The kids start to yell out in fear. If you listen closely you can actually hear a little boy go, "cool!" Haha, yes little boy, that evil car trying to kill you guys is cool. Eventually the Charger disappears and everyone seems to be safe.........OR ARE THEY?!?!

A girl is walking home after being dropped off by the bus and we see the Charger slowly approach. It then circles her just like a kick-ass metal V8 shark. She screams and tries to run away but the Charger flings open its door and snatches the girl up. Lesson learned: You can't outrun a Charger on foot. The townspeople hold a meeting about the terror on wheels that is plaguing their little town but no one has a solution as the cop says, "Hey I'd like them to be more safe but I'm just one man." So they just continue to live life as they always have, carefree with their guard down. The kids will be safe enough........OR WILL THEY?!?!?

The Charger spends its day tailing kids home from school and mysteriously disappearing after the woman bus driver spots it.  She dreams about it chasing her and then wakes up, it was all a dream!..........OR WAS IT?!?! (Talk about a night terror on wheels) A few times it even shows up at her house in the middle of the night to rev its engine and do burnouts on her front lawn. These scenes were really awesome by the way. 

Soon the little girl's best friend is abducted by the evil Charger. She gets in while it is parked outside the school, not sure why she did this. No way she thought it was her mother, her mother wouldn't be driving such a cool car. The bus driver lady knows damn well that it wasn't the girl's mother and she's going to go complain to the sheriff about it. A huge search reveals that the girl is dead in a swamp. Well that's just great and as the bus driver's little girl tells her mom how sad she is that she lost her best friend they hear an odd sound outside of their house....like a loud engine....IT'S THE DEATH CHARGER!!! It's outside in the pouring rain and it decides to rev its engine and peel out of their driveway. The two frightened idiots hug each other crying.

As you can guess the bus driver's little girl is also kidnapped by the Charger but that bus driving mother won't let her child get away and she tears after them in her bus, thank goodness it has a race car engine in it!!! (Did you see that coming?) She is able to keep up with Charger for the most part even though the kids on the bus are crying and yelling at her to stop. They go through a lot of desert-type land and on dirt roads. This is actually a pretty cool chase scene. Unfortunately for the bus driving mom they get to an actual highway and once the Charger hits that pavement, it's gone! The bus just can't keep up although the mom has her bus floored and the passengers terrified.

A bike cop comes after the bus and pulls it over which really angers the mom because she can't lose the Charger anymore than she already has! She gets out and starts yelling at the cop about the car that took her daughter. He actually seems to understand her incoherent screaming and says he will go ahead and call the other cops. But wait, it's time for a slow motion reaction as the mother realizes.........THE CHARGER IS JUMPING OFF A CLIFF RIGHT AT THE BIKE COP!!! It lands on him and destroys the motorcycle as well as the police officer. (Awesome fake mannequin cop part here, it's worth several rewinds.) Well now the woman is pissed but gets back on the bus and takes off after the Charger.

This next part takes forever as she chases him and he chases her and she rams him and he rams her. At one point the Charger tries to trap her at some gas station place and circles her smashing the gas pumps making a ring of fire. It also tries to push her off a cliff and the bus is teetering over the edge with the kids freaking out. It also tries to trap her in some factory thing but yet again she escapes and it drives off. She chases it again for what seems like forever until they get to a big mining operation and although they aren't allowed to drive around that dangerous place with explosives (foreshadowing) they drive right in ramming into one another. The mom does a pretty good job of banging up the Charger here, you'd think she'd be worried about hurting her daughter but she doesn't seem to care. The daughter IS alive by the way because she occasionally pops her head out of the window or sun roof to yell for help.

Finally the woman and Charger are racing around smacking each other and the little girl manages to crawl out of the open sun roof and hangs on to the bus, it's actually a pretty cool scene with the stunts. The bus pushes the Charger and we see it falling off a cliff. The nightmare is finally over.

The mother and daughter hug now that the terror has finally stopped. They cry and hug and are safe at last.....OR ARE THEY?!?!?! They both hear a distant familiar revving of an engine. They look up to see....THE CHARGER IS BACK! This time he means to ram them at full speed! He peels out and flies towards the bus BUT THE BUS WON'T START! The mom turns the key and turns the key and the Charger is getting closer and closer! This looks like the end............then the mother starts the bus and floors it in reverse nearly missing the charging Charger. The evil Charger flies off a cliff (again) but this time it is much, MUCH higher. This is a really cool part because they really flung that car off a huge cliff. It lands nose first into a giant trailer that says, "EXPLOSIVES" on the side (how convenient). A massive explosion of epic proportion ensues and we see a giant fire ball and black smoke rolling up the side of the mountain. Finally the terror is over..........OR IS IT?!?!? No, it really is this time.

Wheels of Terror is one of the best movies I've ever seen in the past 2 hours. It has all the wonderful acting of a TV movie from 1990 with all the huge mega super stars such as.........no one.

 Now to grade this movie. For the acting I give it a solid D, definitely not the worst I've watched but enough to make you laugh out loud. For the plot I give it a C- it was a cool idea but it didn't explain anything and it never really showed the bad guys. This movie is an hour and a half which is pretty long but in it's defense many shots were done in slow motion. The music gets a D- because it was clearly made for TV movie style music and every single time we see the Charger we hear that, "this is the bad guy and or something serious is about to happen" classic over-done music. The actors get a nice big F+ because they did make me laugh but this wasn't supposed to be a comedy. Overall I give this movie an A+ because no matter what it has a 1974 Dodge Charger in it that is totally badass, always revving its engine, peeling out, and terrorizing a small town with some great chase scenes. There are some really great shots in this movie and honestly where else are you going to see that much of a 74 Charger??? The tag line is also pure gold, "Evil waits...with the motor running."

I highly recommend this movie if you're a Mopar fan, a Charger fan, a fan of really bad movies, or just want a good laugh from some bad acting. 

UNCLE JESSE VS. UNCLE JESSE

Sometimes a great TV show will come along and name a character the name of a former character from a completely different TV show, this is how we ended up with two Uncle Jesse's. So which Uncle Jesse was better and how did some writer recycle the classic character name of "Uncle Jesse?" I don't know but I'm going to determine which is the BETTER Uncle Jesse!

UNCLE JESSE FROM THE DUKES OF HAZZARD OR UNCLE JESSE FROM FULL HOUSE

AT A GLANCE...
Real Name: Jesse Duke, played by Denver Pyle, already famous from the TV show "The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams." (Grizzly Adams DID have a beard.) Appeared in 149 episodes from 1977-1984 and one reunion show. Lives in fictional Hazzard County Georgia, patriarch of the Duke family and has 4 nephews and 1 niece and no children of his own.

Real Name: Jesse Katsopolis, first season was named Jesse Cochran. (Identity crisis or trying to hide from the law???) played by John Stamos, semi known for his role on daytime TV soap operas. Appeared in 197 episodes from 1987-1995. Lives in San Francisco California, married TV personality Rebecca Donaldson and has 3 nieces and two twin boys. Famous catch phrases: "Watch the hair" and "Have mercy"

The Dukes of Hazzard came first and Uncle Jesse was an old farmer and former ridge runner that was the best driver in the land, which was often disputed by Boss Hogg as he claimed HE was the best driver back in the day. Uncle Jesse was known for making the best moon shine in all of Georgia. He sold it to various people and since this was illegal had his two nephews Bo and Luke Duke deliver it for him. They were caught and Uncle Jesse swore to never make and sell his moon shine again IF the U.S. government let his nephews go free. They did but Bo and Luke were not allowed to use fire arms or leave Hazzard County as part of their probation and there you have THE DUKES OF HAZZARD.

Full House came after the Dukes had gone off the air but the name Uncle Jesse was already very famous from the previous show.  In the first episode Uncle Jesse comes to live with his brother in law as his older sister has just died. Jesse moves into Danny's house mainly to help take care of his grieving family of 3 nieces, D.J. Stephanie, and Michelle. The same day Danny's best friend Joey, moves into the house too making it quite full, hence the show FULL HOUSE.

As we can see, both Uncle Jesse's have big hearts and both take care of their nieces and nephews. Uncle Jesse from Full House has 2 other grown men living in the same home to help him take care of 3 little girls. Uncle Jesse lives alone and takes care of 2 nephews and a niece so the advantage goes to Uncle Jesse Duke.

When it comes to being cool how can you beat playing guitar for a rock-n-roll band, driving a Harley, looking like Elvis, and dating a talk show host??? Seems impossible for an old man to be cooler than that BUT WAIT can you beat it by making and selling illegal alcohol, racing your car through the country side, out running the police, breaking your nephews out of jail constantly, and always doing whats right to fight a corrupt local government even if it means breaking the law and risking your own freedom??? Advantage, Uncle Jesse Duke.

I'm not sure Uncle Jesse from Full House ever drove a car, it always showed him driving his beloved motorcycle and as we know Uncle Jesse from the Dukes of Hazzard had an old beat up white pick-up truck HOWEVER Uncle Jesse Duke sometimes drove the General Lee and THAT is something Jesse Katsopolis could only dream about. Advantage, Uncle Jesse Duke.

We can tell parenting from raising nieces and nephews but Uncle Jesse from Full House had his own children so we can actually tell how he is as a father. He has twin boys, which can be a handful, they are obviously out of control and in one episode Jesse mixes them up and can't tell them apart. We know that, "even baboons can tell their own kids apart." One episode his twins call him a mean daddy. Even so he is STILL a better father because he actually has children......or does he? Did you notice how blond his twins are? Did you notice how Greek Uncle Jesse looks and how dark Rebecca's hair is too? Did you ever notice how blond Joey's hair is and how stupid the twins appear to be? I think Joey fathered those twins with Rebecca when Uncle Jesse wasn't looking.

Uncle Jesse from Full House was clearly the coolest guy on the show but wait, what was that compared to? The world's biggest dork Danny Tanner and the dim-witted Joey Gladstone that couldn't get through one sentence without using some stupid-ass cartoon voice, that was poorly executed I might add. No wonder Jesse seemed so cool to us but sadly a man that moves in with his brother-in-law to "help raise his nieces" but then stays for 9 years, marries and moves his wife into the home, has kids in that home and never moves out is CLEARLY a mooch. He also can't hold down a job. Here's a short list of everything Uncle Jesse has done, pest control, Mr. Egg Head Show, radio show host, Airport Lounge Singer, Ranger Joe Show, owner of the Smash Club, an advertisement company, and through all this he was constantly trying to start his music career. (which never took off btw, unless you count Japan and we don't.)

AMAZING FEATS OF BEING AN UNCLE:

Uncle Jesse Duke delivered many babies in his life including  Bo and Luke Duke. The Dukes of Hazzard show made it to the number 2 television series of the 1980-1981 season, its highest ranking. It had one spin off, a cartoon series, 2 reunion specials, and a remake movie.

Uncle Jesse recorded a Beach Boys song that made it to number one on the Japanese charts. Full House made it to the number 8 television series of 1992, its highest ranking.

STRANGE BUT TRUE: Uncle Jesse Duke was taking care of his nephews and niece because their parents were killed in a car wreck. Uncle Jesse from Full House was taking care of his nieces because his sister, their mother, was killed in a car wreck. 

This one is too close to call. Both uncles did an amazing job at being an uncle and they had very different situations. Although battling the law and armed bad guys seems a bit more serious than battling a child that wants to stay up past her bedtime.......

Uncle Jesse Duke had to raise his whole family by himself with no help from others. He had to fight the corrupt law that had a personal vendetta against him. He had to change his moonshine making ways in order to keep his family safe. He had to keep men away from Daisy Duke which was a job in itself. He had to run his farm to make just enough money every month so his family would have a place to live. I can't count how many times Uncle Jesse had a gun to his head and stared death in the face.

Uncle Jesse Katsopolis had to raise 3 girls with the help of their actual father and another live-in moron. He had to make sure they were in bed at their bed times. He had to sing to them so they could sleep. He had to pack their lunches. He had to take them to school. He constantly had to find new jobs. He had to keep nursing the hope that there WAS hope that his crappy music career would take off and even when it didn't he didn't stop, he just kept singing songs that 65 year olds like. AND after all this stress in his life he has to deal with, DJ COMING HOME WITH AN F ON HER TEST!!!

Full House Uncle Jesse is really falling short. Here are a few near misses that would have given him clear advantages.

Here he is about to kick Steve Urkle's ass. IF he would have, he would have been the winner but he didn't do it. I wish he had. Oh would I have paid to see that.

Here he is challenging Kareem Abdul Jabar to a one on one game of knock-out. He lost after two shots and then again challenged him to a slam-dunk contest. Again he lost.

Here he is pretending to hate Joey as much as I do. But Jesse forgot how bad of an actor he is and I can see right through it.


This is a tough call, both men make good uncles but to be the best what do you have to do?


Sadly Denver Pyle has died always leaving us to wonder what other wisdom he could have given his family.

Each uncle helped their family in their own way. Each uncle raised their family to be the best they could be given their situations. Each uncle was loved by everyone around them. Who was the better uncle? There is no real way to ever know but I do know one thing, ask D.J. Stephanie, Vance, Daisy, Luke, Michelle, Coy, and Bo who the best uncle is, they'll tell you, it's Uncle Jesse.

MY TOP TEN WORST ANIMATED DISNEY MOVIES OF ALL TIME

Disney has 53 animated movies, such as The Lion King, The Little Mermaid, Dumbo, Bambi, The Jungle Book, Snow White, Frozen, just to name a few that we all know and love but there are a few out of these 53 that just plain SUCK. Here is a list counting down the 10 worst animated Disney movies of all time. (In my opinion of course.) 

Note: Keep in mind that the 53 are only Disney's feature classic movies, not all the sequels, straight to videos, and other animated movies released by Disney.  

NUMBER 10. THE ARISOTCATS 

No, I didn't say aristocrats, I said Aristocats. This movie was pretty crappy even for 1970. Following The Jungle Book was not an easy task, it was also the movie right before Robin Hood so as you can see, it was surrounded by greatness and didn't make a mark of any kind. It was the last animated movie to be approved by Walt Disney himself before he died. (Herbie The Love Bug was the last live action movie to be approved by Walt.) A movie about an alley cat that has to save a couple of kittens......just a boring idea. The music sucked too. Although very forgettable, it was hardly the worst. 

NUMBER 9. THE RESCUERS 

Yet again another kidnapping movie. Why can't people just stop taking our children?? I think the girl was an orphan though so it was probably ok that she was taken against her will. I remember the characters being disgusting and annoying. Two mice go to save this poor little swamp girl. Sounds like a decent idea for a children's movie but Bob Newhart was the main character and nothing says exciting like the voice of Bob Newhart!!! (sarcasm) The rescuers did have a sequel and it was better. Look, I like Bob Newhart a lot but this was 1977 and Disney cartoon movies were going through a very rough stretch, in fact 5 released in a row make this list. 

NUMBER 8. THE GREAT MOUSE DETECTIVE 

 There was nothing great about this movie despite having the word "great" in it's title. Another swing and a miss for Disney in it's line of 5 really crappy animated movies. I remember having a lot of The Great Mouse Detective things as a child, such as toys, books, and so on, but I never liked the movie and thought it was ridiculously boring. Kids hate mysteries, they hate them! 

NUMBER 7. TREASURE PLANET 

Remember the movie Treasure Planet?? I don't either. 

NUMBER 6. OLIVER AND COMPANY 

Soon it would all be over and this stupid movie was the last in a long line of crap. It was 1988 and in just one more year we would have The Little Mermaid, and a long line of great movies. Oliver and Company however, sucked. They promoted the crap out of this movie for its music. I remember REALLY liking the songs but when I just went back to listen to the main song, I was like, this was it??? It sure didn't stand the test of time. Here is a twist to the movie, IT'S JUST OLIVER TWIST ONLY WITH CATS AND DOGS! How unoriginal. 

NUMBER 5. THE FOX AND THE HOUND

In 1981 Disney followed up its crappy Rescuers movie with this steaming pile of dog/fox crap. Two childhood friends that grow up to be enemies, will their friendship last?? Can't imagine what the ending will be!!!!! Ok, but honestly here are the real reasons why I hate this movie. Number one, I hate the name Tod. Sorry, I just plain hate that name. It is such an 80's name, it was like everyone in the 80's was named Tod, meaning everyone in the 70's was born and then named Tod. If your name is Tod I apologize now for these statements but quite honestly, I don't like you because of your name. Reason number two, as wonderful of an actor Mickey Rooney might have been, his voice DID NOT fit a fox character in any shape or form. All in all when it came to predictability The Fox and the Hound delivered like no other! 

NUMBER 4. THE BLACK CAULDRON 

Did you know this was a Disney movie? Did you ever hear of it? Don't feel bad, no one else has either. In 1985 Disney put out another crappy movie that did nothing for audiences. This really probably is the least known of all animated Disney movies. Try to name all 53 starting with Snow White, and if you get 52, THIS would be the one you didn't remember because you never heard it. It was that bad of a movie. Think Sword In The Stone, but not entertaining or good. 

NUMBER 3. THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME 

Good Idea: making a movie for children. Bad Idea: making a deformed, ugly, deaf, hunchback monster the main character for a children's movie. I have a HUNCH this movie sucked! From what I remember of the ACTUAL story, and I realize Disney is notorious for just making stuff up as they go along that has nothing to do with the original story, but wasn't Quasimodo the bad guy?? Didn't he steal a girl? Maybe he was trying to save her I don't really remember or care because this isn't a children's cartoon movie and shouldn't have been made into one. Also is it just me or did you REALLY want to murder that fat pig gargoyle? 

NUMBER 2. LILO AND STITCH 

I'll be honest. I never saw this one the whole way through. Why? How can I judge a movie I never watched before?? It sucked to such high levels that I didn't need to finish it. I couldn't stand this movie from the first frame. If I were the main character I would have thrown that little bastard in a sack and taken him straight to the U.S. Government so they could cut his alien ass up in a lab. 

NUMBER 1. ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE 

There are no words to describe how shitty this movie was, but I'll try. In 2000 Disney came up with a good idea and then just shit all over it until they had made Atlantis: The Lost Empire. I'm SO glad Disney cleared that up, that THIS Atlantis is the one of legend and being a lost empire, otherwise we would have confused it with all the other cities named Atlantis that weren't mysteriously lost legends. Idiots. 

The guy who actually did the languages for Vulcans AND Klingons in the Star Trek tv show made up a language for this movie, Haha, no seriously, he really did. I'm SO glad he made up an Atlantis language because children would have really picked up on the gibberish they could have just used instead. 

You know what I think the WORST thing really was? The fact that it had such an amazing cast but they gave them NOTHING to work with! Leonard Nimoy (Spok from Star Trek), Michael J. Fox, Cree Summer (Penny from Inspector Gadget, Elmira from Tiny Toons, Susie from Rugrats, Foxy from Drawn Together, and much more) James Garner, John Mahoney (dad from Fraiser), and Jim Varney (Yes folks, ERNEST). You have these people and you give them THIS MOVIE?? How unfair of you Disney.

 Jim Varney died before production and although they say he died of lung cancer I'd wager he died because this movie was so terrible it was the only way he could get out of it! 

James Garner, by the way, didn't just do the voice for his character, he apparently modeled for him as well because the cartoon was the spitting image of him in real life! I know Disney does that all the time, make the character look like the person doing their voice because it fits better but this time it was just down right looking into a mirror. They got every single detail of James Garner's face, don't know who he is or what he looks like? Here you go, THAT is James Garner. 

Here's a major problem with the movie. Michael J. Fox is the voice for the main Character Milo (stupid name unless you're an orange cat.) Milo is a scientist that is awkward and nerdy and annoying and people hate him and already you know he's going to end up the big hero in the end but still, he is a very stupid character. The problem with all that is this.....MICHAEL J. FOX IS ONE OF THE COOLEST PEOPLE ON EARTH, you can't just have such a cool person be the voice for such a dumb-ass! 

Of course Disney has to put in it's standard two comedic relief characters for every single cartoon movie they have ever made, and "Atlantis: The Something or Other" was no exception. (Sorry everybody, for a second there I forgot which Atlantis the movie was talking about.) So Disney makes this asinine Character called the mole.....can you guess he likes to dig? He is gross and rude and disgusting and moronic and children were supposed to laugh at him the whole time but I didn't hear anyone laughing. I think I heard some kids crying at how shitty this movie was but I digress. If I made a top ten worst cartoon characters Disney ever produced, The Mole would be number one.....right behind that pig gargoyle from Hunch Back. Also Mole is french and we all know how THOSE people are. I love how in the movie when they literally ask, what's up with this jack-ass, they respond with, "you don't want to know." Sorry Disney, I do want to know, I want to know what your excuse is for making this useless monstrosity, but all I get is the classic, "we had no idea what to say here, so we will just say you don't want to know." 

Also all their fingernails are shaped like A's, caught it Disney, didn't give a shit, wasn't clever enough to even mention on here, but it really just pissed me off that you thought  you were being cute. 

In closing Atlantis was Disney's worst animated feature film of all time in my opinion. If you haven't seen it yet, don't bother. Then you can say, "I never saw that Atlantis movie......or that Black Cauldron movie." 

PLANTERS PEANUT BUTTER REVIEW

Well, well, well, look who has decided to throw their hat into the peanut butter ring, their TOP hat I should say. PLANTERS! Does Planters have what it takes to be my number one peanut butter choice?

Why not? Planters is known for their peanuts so how hard is it to believe they should make peanut butter as well? I was shocked and horrified to find Planters brand peanut butter in the peanut butter aisle in the grocery store. We all know the usual candidates when we go to purchase our peanut butter and we all know which one is our favorite. Did you know that 96% of people buy the peanut butter brand that was used in their home as a child??? (I made that up, but it sounds true.)

I got the crunchy style peanut butter as you see here. Upon opening up the jar, I was welcomed with the aroma of fresh peanuts. The taste was very good. The actual peanut butter was very creamy and smooth with all the peanuts around it. I'm a big fan of crunchy peanut butter and this stuff was some of the best I've ever had, but was it the best EVER? 

PLANTERS VS. SKIPPY
Hormel Foods makes Skippy, and I have had it but it never did anything for me. Its so plain, the label is plain, the name is plain, even Hormel is such a plain company. Sorry Skippy, you just don't have what it takes when put up against the refined style of Mr. Peanut. See you in trailer parks around the country Skippy.  Please SKIP the SKIPPY next time you're shopping. As for you Hormel....I love your pepperoni, please don't ever stop making that.

PLANTERS VS. PETER PAN
Ok, not sure how Peter Pan got his own peanut butter but he did. Maybe because he is so child-like and children love PB and J? At any rate, Peter Pan was the peanut butter of choice for my grandmother, so I am no stranger to Peter's nut butter. The label is better, actually depicting Peter Pan flying around in his green tights, but at the end of the day is that what I want in a peanut butter company? Evidently not.  I will admit that putting a cartoon character on a product meant for children is a good idea, but Peter Pan you are nothing compared to the awesomeness of that regal peanut we all know and love. All in all, Planters is better than Peter Pan. 

PLANTERS VS. JIF 
They say choosy moms choose Jif. Really? Well maybe a choosy mom needs to be more choosy and choose a different peanut butter! Jif has been my brand for many years. I think its the best overall and why wouldn't a peanut butter brand owned by a famous Jelly company be the perfect fit? Who else but the fine people at Smuckers would do the research to find the absolute PERFECT peanut butter to go with their Jelly? I don't know but I do know that they seem to produce the best product to go along with their Jelly, that is....UNTIL NOW. 

Sorry Jif, Peter Pan, and Skippy. Planters Peanut Butter is just plain BETTER. You've been outdone by that suave sophisticated Mr. Peanut but don't feel bad, after all peanut butter is made out of peanuts and no one else does peanuts like Planters. 

That is my review of the new peanut butter brand on the block and on my bread. Go out and try some of Planters Peanut Butter because it's the best, but that's just my two cents. 

BIGFOOT THROUGHOUT HISTORY, BIGFOOT INVENTS THE GAME OF BASEBALL

Personal notes from the diary of Abner Doubleday on his death bed recall his attempts at making the game we know and love, baseball. He clearly depicts Bigfoot as a key component in the making of our national past time!

January 22, 1893

I must clear up my past. People are calling my invention of baseball a myth and that there is proof that people were playing baseball before, this is a lie. I, Abner Doubleday, invented the game but alas, I cannot take full credit for the sport as I had much help from a dear friend. My friend is an old army buddy from my civil war days. We fought along side each other in Gettysburg. Before Bigfoot became my commanding officer, he was my close friend. Although tall, hairy, and a smell so bad you could actually see it, he was a terrible athlete. 


January 23, 1893

As I fade away in my final days I shall recall how baseball came to be. I was playing cricket with my school yard chums one sunny afternoon in 1839. A strange, ugly, hairy, dimwitted, kid approached us and wanted to play. We said yes because we knew he would be so bad at this game it would make us feel better about ourselves. I remember Bigfoot, as he called himself, did everything wrong. He held the bat wrong, he stood wrong, he yelled obscenities at the other players when it wasn't his turn. He chewed tobacco and spit and scratched his private parts, yes, he did nothing right when it came to the game of cricket. 

January 24, 1893

 Bigfoot never won a game of cricket in his life. He argued non-stop and tried to make up rules as he went. One of those days he became so mad at the bowler, what we now refer to as a pitcher, that he actually wanted to physically hurt him. He held his bat wrong and swung at the ball purposely trying to hit it back to the bowler in an attempt to kill him. The ball flew high in the air and over our heads. Bigfoot laughed and told us to go fetch our stupid ball if we wanted it so badly. Enraged, I ran after the ball and threw it back to a teammate so he could throw it at Bigfoot. Bigfoot ran around the field and put his foot on a rock and yelled that he was "on base" which means we couldn't hurt him. We threw the ball at him and it hit him in the face, we laughed and said he was out. Bigfoot cried a little but still said he could never be out if he was on a base. 

January 25, 1893

I fear this will be my last entry for I can no longer hold on to my life. I must clear up any baseball confusion before I pass on. Bigfoot continued to play his game his way. He always seemed to find another rock or stump as he ran from us so he could yell out, "I'm on base, can't get me!" As the gentlemen we were, we honored these, "bases" but never liked them. We compromised on having only 3 bases. Soon other players started to use Bigfoot's tricks and before we knew it, we were all playing by Bigfoot's rules. Bigfoot claimed we were no longer playing cricket but a brand new game. We pointed out that baseball was clearly just cricket rearranged so it would be easier. Bigfoot then pointed out that baseball was also longer, more boring, less practical, and more confusing than cricket could ever hope to be. 

I remember that we decided on the name of, "baseball," unanimously after Bigfoot told us all of his suggestions. He wanted to call the game, "Bigfoot's Balls," because everyone was throwing balls at him during the game but we dismissed this name. He then suggested we call it, "Batball," because of the bats he carried with him around the bases to defend himself from our attacks. We did almost agree on "Super-Cricket" but in the end agreed that the bases of the game were the most important part. And THAT is how baseball was actually invented, not by me but by Bigfoot in Cooperstown New York. I can rest in peace now having admitted the truth. 

BIGFOOT THROUGHOUT HISTORY, BIGFOOT CREATED THE LIBERTY BELL

A newly discovered testimony from the people that actually made the Liberty Bell is proof that Bigfoot is real AND that he had a hand in making the historic symbol of freedom!

August 15, 1752

I, John Pass, have decided to keep a diary log for our new business. My two partners and I have been put in charge of the new bell sent here from England that is to be placed in the tower of Independence Hall. John Stow is my original partner but we have a third partner of mysterious origin. He isn't normal. He calls himself Bigfoot and claimed to be the best founder in all of America, therefore we asked him to join our duo and local founder business. He is very hairy and smells terrible. His smell could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon. The bell arrives tomorrow and we will have it ready for the newly built tower! 


August 16, 1752

Disaster strikes. The massive bell has arrived. Bigfoot said he could carry it himself although it weighs 2,800 pounds. Bigfoot promptly dropped the bell and it cracked. John and I were infuriated with that moron but Bigfoot insisted it was just a cheap foreign bell and most every bell has a crack in it. Terrified, we quickly tried to come up with an excuse to recast the bell. Bigfoot suggests we tell the people we need an American cast bell that can now represent our struggle for freedom. This was just the recasting excuse as Bigfoot said America will of course never actually be free and he added that he sees nothing wrong with tyranny.  


March 10, 1753

Bigfoot began the recasting process for what he is calling, "The Bigfoot Bell of Awesomeness." John Stow and I are in agreement that that name is ridiculously idiotic. Bigfoot told us our wives said it was a good name as he fornicated with them last night. Bigfoot claims he can save us money by adding pewter instead of using tin. Tin is what John Stow and I planned to use, as THAT is what goes into making a bell. We hope Bigfoot knows what he is doing. 


March 23, 1753

The bell is complete. John Stow and I wanted our names to appear on the bell, as it was said, we would be given that honor for being the ones commissioned to work on the bell. Instead, the bell now reads, "Made by Bigfoot, and nobody else helped me, not even a little bit." As John and I recall, we did all the work and Bigfoot sat around and watched us, saying it was his superior vision that was needed for the hard labor, not his strength or diligence. For this reason he has been calling himself our, "super-visor." As far as we can tell, a supervisor is just an unnecessary person that sits around on their ass all day telling other people how to do their jobs. 


March 24, 1753

Bigfoot is giving the Bell of Liberty, as I wish to call it, a rigorous test of endurance. Bigfoot turned the bell upside down and took it to the top of a big hill. He then rode down in it. Bigfoot hit the bell numerous times with a hammer to see if he could crack it. We were impressed when the bell stood strong but I swear I think it angered Bigfoot that he could not break it. He tied the bell to some draft plow horses and dragged it through the streets of Philadelphia. This eventually caused the bell to crack and Bigfoot acted mad at it and said he didn't want a cheaply made bell that would crack only after a few hours of being dragged around a colonial city by a few horses and a drunk guy. 


March 28, 1753

We recast the bell. Bigfoot took a spoonful of the molten metal and pretended to taste it and said it needed salt, no one laughed at this joke. John Stow told him he wasn't man enough to actually drink the melted metal. Bigfoot declared he was and took a gulp. He then screamed in horrible pain and ran around the foundry clutching his throat. John Stow laughed at this and said maybe it needed salt. 


March 29, 1753

Bigfoot struck the bell over 200 times today with a log determined to test its durability. He then threw rocks at it for over an hour. Yet again the bell cracked and Bigfoot said he gives up trying to make a dependable bell. He also renamed our foundry to "Dependa-Bell Foundry" we did not agree on this name change and it contradicts all that we do. I pointed this out to Bigfoot and he told me that he would, "ring my bell." 

April 2, 1753

We have delivered the bell to Independence Hall, crack and all. We were told we would not be paid for the bell we delivered since it was broken. Bigfoot is marketing the cracked bell as something people should want. He says it gives the bell character. He is dubbing it, "Bigfoot's Crack." I have warned the people not to ring the bell too much as it is already cracked and will break completely in time. The bell we produced was below their standards, as a result we were told we would never work in this town again. 

BIGFOOT THROUGHOUT HISTORY, BIGFOOT AT THE SALEM WITCH TRIALS

A newly recovered document that could possibly be the first appearance of a courtroom stenographer in America, proves that not only does Bigfoot exist, but he was also a defense lawyer for the accused people of the Salem Witch Trials! These examples are taken from those documents.

September 18th, 1692

I Stephan Sewall feel it is my Christian duty to document these proceedings as they happen. 18 more have been accused of witchcraft, although they are denying it, we do not believe them. No one will defend these demons in disguise except for one lawyer, he calls himself Bigfoot. We first planned to burn him at the stake as well, due to his horrid appearance and disgusting smell. It's the kind of smell that makes you think he bathed in rotten eggs that had been sitting out in the hot summer's sun for 40 days and 40 nights and then after the bath dried himself off with a towel made out of skunk hide. He came forward and said he was a very good-looking man but the witches on trial have put a spell on us to make us believe he is ugly.


September 19th, 1692

Bigfoot, Attorney At Law, as he calls himself, made an 82 minute opening statement today. In it, he proved, beyond a reasonable doubt, ten different ways, that the accused is in fact a witch. When it was pointed out that he was their DEFENSE lawyer, and not trying to condemn them, he slapped his forehead and asked that what he just said be stricken from the record. The judge said no and sentenced Giles Cory to death for practicing witchcraft.


September 22th, 1692

We executed 8 more witches today after Bigfoot tampered with the evidence. Bigfoot yelled out OBJECTION but it was overruled because he was objecting to his own actions. Before each witch was  executed Bigfoot apologized to them but added they wouldn't be in this predicament if they hadn't been a witch. Each witch still lied to the very end, screaming at Bigfoot that they were not a witch. At one point Bigfoot leaned over and whispered that witches are so annoying and he can see why we want to kill so many of them.


October 12th, 1692

Today Bigfoot accused the entire prosecution to be witches. They denied it but Bigfoot claimed that's exactly what a witch would say. Bigfoot started to tell us that we were out of order and that the whole court was out of order. He then called a ghost to the stand as a surprise witness. Bigfoot stated that if you could not see or hear the ghost then it meant you were a witch too. Bigfoot then pleaded to the judge on the grounds that he wants a mistrial.


October 20th, 1692

Today Bigfoot claimed the only thing that should be on trail  are the stupid people of Salem for their lack of fashion sense. He argued that no one should wear buckles on their hats, shoes, and belts all at the same time. He then said it was, "so last year," and the real crime here was unimaginative style and lack of design encompassed with poor taste, all the while encouraging the drab to settle for the mundane. None of us had any idea what he was taking about. He then reminded us that in this time period the letter, "S" and the letter "F" are interchangeable, at which point he told us to go "Suck ourfelvef."


January 10th, 1693

The trials have moved to the Supreme Court. That moron Bigfoot showed up on the prosecution side. He brought, "exhibit A," for the jury to see, it was a broom. Bigfoot pretended to fly as he rode it around the courtroom. He said the illusion of him flying would be flawless because he was a Seeker on the Salem Quidditch team. After that Bigfoot said he rested his case, all the accused were found not guilty and set free.

HOW TO GROW YOUR OWN MANGO TREE FROM A SEED PART 2, SEEDLINGS AND SPROUTS

So you've tried to grow your own mango tree? If you didn't see my first part on how to grow your own mango from a seed, check it out here http://andrew-mytwocents.blogspot.com/2013/04/how-to-grow-your-own-mango-tree-from.html 

If you have already completed the first few steps, or you're reading ahead to find out what happens next, then you've come to the right place. Let's recap on what you should have done already.

• Picked a mango
• Removed the seed
• Placed the seed in water or wet paper towel 
• Waited for the seed to grow a root 

NOW YOU'RE READY FOR THE NEXT STEP!

After a few days of your seed being in water or a wet paper towel, you should see obvious growth on the end that will become the root. As you can see here, this little "nub" has become a long root. This means your mango seed is a good one and is ready to grow. If after a week you see NO difference in your seed's little root, then it is probably a dud or your conditions were not exactly right. I have found that IF it is a good seed they show signs of growth VERY quickly, within days. 

Notice the difference between the two examples of how to start the seed for root growth. The paper towel method was quicker but it has caused a winding bent root (still good for planting). The water method has caused a long straight root (far more fragile). NOTE: The root is EXTREMELY DELICATE, I can't stress that enough, it will snap right off if you touch it and IF the end of it touches the bottom of your container, if you're doing the water method, it will die. It is VERY important that you handle the root and seed with care at this point!

Now it is time for dirt! Soil is the next step and it will REALLY make your baby mango tree take off. There is no exact time frame for getting the seed out of water/paper towel and into dirt but the rule of thumb I go by is, when you start to see signs of a stem. You can see tiny leaves starting to grow on our water example seed. I believe this is due to the sunlight that it was receiving while on my window sill. THIS IS OK, Don't be worried if your little seed starts to grow its stem. Many people let their seeds grow stems and leaves while still in the water. I however, feel that the sooner it gets into soil the better.

Place your seed's root into the soil. IF your seed is like our winding root seed, it may be difficult to try and figure out which way you should place the seed into the soil. Look for two things.

• Which way the root is currently heading.
• If there are signs of a stem starting to grow.

If there is a stem starting, that needs to be up and out of the soil or as close to the surface as possible. IF there is no stem then try to pace the root in a downward position so that it grows downwards. Basically just aim the tip of the root down. It's nature and science and the root will correct itself as the seed knows which way is up.

Q: "What caused my root to go in different directions while in the paper towel???"
A: You did. When you checked your seed or changed the wet paper towel and then set it down again, you probably changed the direction the seed was previously sitting. When THAT happened, the root changed its direction because it will always grow towards the ground, ALWAYS. The seed knows when it is is upside down or right side up. Frequent changes in the position of the seed will cause changes in the growth of the root. Restrictions can also happen because the root can not move freely through paper towel as it can in dirt, therefore the root will go where it can, NOT where it wants. One reason why some people like the water method is that the root grows exactly where it wants.

Dirt, this is where many of my seeds have gone wrong. The seed turned into a baby mango tree as you can see here, is my best example to date. I used a very dry, dusty soil, not black or moist. I have read many articles saying straight sand is the best thing to use for this stage. I used soil and had the results you see here. NOTE: Remember mangoes HATE good rich, black nutrient rich soil. Why? I don't know but when I went out to find the worst possible soil for planting a live plant into that I could find.....it grew and has been thriving. Also note that sand would have next to nothing as far as nutrients in it. This is what the mango likes and if you use potting soil for flowers or vegetables, odds are the little seedling will die.

You don't have to go deep into the soil. In fact you can have part of the seed sticking up out of the dirt. It will eventually dry out and rot away, which is fine because the root system will develop and your stem will grow leaves and soon the seed will no longer be needed. It is good to remove the seed from the pot at this time. NOTE: There is also a chance the seed will attract fruit flies during this period of rooting, try your best to keep those little jerks away!

A dry dusty dirt is best, if it is sandy, that is fine. Just keep in mind that your little tree will need water and such dirt is known for quickly draining all the water out of a pot so watering often is very important. I actually used a spray bottle and wet the area the seed was in for many weeks before I ever poured water into the pot. I found this method to work better, for whatever reason, mangoes like it dry. I never drenched the soil and in fact I never even got the soil wet that wasn't directly around the seed. Less seemed to be more at this stage. I did have to water on a daily basis and the dirt would be dry the next time I watered the plant.

Your mango will send up a stem and then you will see two tiny leaves begin to grow.  These first leaves gather sunlight and the mango tree with now be able to start photosynthesis! Wish I could convert light energy into chemical energy.

Soon your little plant will grow some new little leaves. Each new leaf comes from the very tip of the plant along with more of a stem. NOTE: This is how the plant gets taller.

Continue to water your tree and make sure it gets plenty of light. The little tree will bend and lean towards the light if it can't get enough and even start to grow the leaves all on one side so every other day or so turn it around. If your tree is outside under the actual sun getting direct light this won't be as important, usually turning the plant is really necessary for indoor plants facing a window.

I use a florescent light above my seedlings when they are very small. This gives them direct light that is close and prevents leaning or elongating. You can even buy full spectrum lights that give the plant exactly what the sun would give it, these are often known as, "grow lights," and can be bought almost anywhere. I have found a normal florescent light works just fine.

If your plant grows two leaves, looks great and strong and healthy, and then the next day the leaves appear to be droopy and then the next day they are down right limp and the next day they are wilting, congratulations, your mango is dead. Don't feel bad, this has happened to me many times and it is discouraging, annoying, frustrating, and sad BUT it also is a good indicator of what you did wrong. In my case it was always the dirt, now that I have corrected that variable, I am having my mango tree babies survive.

I hope these next steps have been helpful and I hope you are finding success growing your own mango tree. Always remember, a plant will tell you exactly what it needs, you just have to know how to listen.