Sunday, July 26, 2015


I actually hate the word, "epic" and think it is ridiculously overused nowadays, HOWEVER, I can't come up with a better term for this collection of facial hair that we all know and love. Some may be unfamiliar but I have combed (joke) history for the mustaches that I think standout as the best. 

Mr. T

Just look at that face folks, he will bust you up. Now here is a mustache of epic proportions! Watch as it turns into a beard, then sideburns, then into a strange over the ear around the side of the head-kind of thing. If you want to be the one to tell Mr. T that it looks strange be my guest, as for me, I'll keep my mouth shut and keep my jaw intact. He actually has more facial hair than hair on his head! Mr. T was famous for his role as Clubber Lang in Rocky 3, and then in the A-Team as B.A. Baracus. He even had his own cartoon show where his facial hair looked just as good! 

Tom Selleck 
Good luck making a call without wires.
Tom Selleck was a huge sex symbol in the 80's and I guess that symbol was a giant mustache. He was Magnum P.I. and has found fame once again starring in the show, "Blue Bloods," but his mustache has never left his face. It's rare to see Tom without his trademark mustache and I don't know why you would even want to. Whether it is for a cowboy, a private investigator, a police commissioner, or raising a baby with two other men, this mustache looks good in every situation! 

Hitler and Charlie Chaplin

I'm not saying they are in the same category but their mustaches sure are! That is to say, if they both actually had these mustaches. I think more people would call this look, "The Hitler," if you wore it today even though Charlie Chaplin had the same one but it turns out, Charlie Chaplin's mustache was fake, so he doesn't count. It's kind of a dumb look if you ask me and other than these two people, I don't think I've ever seen it worn by anyone else. I don't think I'll play, "Who wore it better," because in all fairness only one of them actually grew it. I never knew why Hitler wanted this style of mustache but I guess he figured he could do whatever he wanted? Charlie Chaplin came first so was Hitler just trying to copy his famous look?? It's like he invaded Charlie's face and took over his mustache. 

Not real hair

Real hair.

Not real hair. 

Real hair. 

I was going to add the incredibly famous Groucho Marx for his trademark massive mustache until I realized....IT'S FAKE TOO! It is a FAKE people! That thing is painted on! It isn't even fake hair, it's just a drawing! Did anyone else know that, cause I didn't. Shame on you Groucho and your wannabe awesomeness. Too bad, you could have gone down as one of the greats but the sad truth didn't have facial hair. Even your eyebrows are drawn on! What next, are there even lenses in those glasses?? That's probably not a real cigar, I bet it's a hotdog. Get off my list you liar and join Charlie Chaplin in the loser section. 
Notice paint where hair should be...

President Taft
When it comes to presidential mustaches, one wins in a landslide as the best. William Howard Taft had an epic mustache that the free world could get behind and really sleep better at night knowing it was living on the face of the main man in the white house! Just look at that magnificent specimen! I understand there are some famous presidential mustaches out there and Teddy Roosevelt was a contender, but just look at these two side by side and you'll see who is the clear favorite. 
He's got you Teddy...and he knows it.

What a fuckin' Pimp you are Mr. President! 

Knock out punch for best mustache on a president
And don't be giving me any of this, Chester A. Arthur, bullshit. Granted, he did have a massive and impressive mustache that attached to his sideburns but at a closer glance, we can clearly see how skimpy and patchy it was. If you're going to grow it like that, it had better be thick and full so THAT is why Taft gets my vote for the best mustache.

Fu Manchu

The mustache or the guy?? Well before it had a name, Fu Manchu wore it best and he is the reason why we call this style a Fu Manchu today. Sure it was thin and skimpy but any mustache that is named after the person that wore it, gets to go down in history. Fu Manchu maybe a character but his facial hair has been worn by a lot of famous people over the years and I feel it has become the top choice for bikers! The next person on my list has had one for as long as I can remember....the early 80's. 

Hulk Hogan
Hulk Hogan used to be the face of the WWF, back when we could still call it the WWF, and that face had an epic mustache that still survives to this day. Hulk Hogan wore a Fu Manchu, also known as a horse shoe (especially when it doesn't drop past the chin) but as you can see, as the years went by, the mustache got bigger.  It would be very difficult to picture this mouth not surrounded by that bleach blonde hair. No matter how much hair Terry loses on his head, he only gains it back in his mustache. 

Sam Elliott

Most people don't even know who Sam Elliott is, but he is a great actor and he has an even greater mustache. Just look at that thing! Just like wine and cheese, his mustache gets better with age. He has done a lot of westerns and in one movie he wanted to date Cher...for some unknown reason. No matter what the role, he incorporates his epic mustache. Good for you for never shaving it for a part Sam! I really did a whole, "evolution of Sam Elliott's mustache," thing here. 

Joshua Chamberlain

Few people will know Joshua Chamberlain, but for you Civil War buffs out there, you already know what an epic mustache this guy had. He was a Civil War hero and many historians agree that without his leadership at the battle of Gettysburg, the North may not have won. During the Civil War there were a lot of amazing mustaches and beards but I always liked Chamberlain's the best. It's kind of a Fu Manchu, (only Joshua had it many years earlier) but it's far thicker and lifts off his face. Very impressive indeed! If you get the chance please watch the movie Gettysburg, not only does it have Jeff Daniels and his portrayal of Chamberlain's mustache, but it also has Sam Elliott, that's two great mustaches for the price of one!!!

As you can see, Chamberlain's mustache has gone down in history.

Jeff Daniels portrayed Chamberlain and captured his epic mustache

Colonel Sanders

Unlike Chamberlain, Colonel Sanders was NOT a real Colonel. What he actually was, was insane, and what his mustache was, was insanely awesome. With that little goatee combo, Colonel Sanders served up a recipe for epic facial hair. Sure the mustache itself isn't all that spectacular, in fact, it's pretty simple. But add the little beard and his facial hair is as trademark as you can get, and it actually IS a trademark! He used to do his own advertising but unfortunately in the most recent commercials for KFC, we have some unfunny no-talent jackass portraying this legendary founder. Either way, this guy took his facial hair and cooked up a symbol for his business and THAT alone is worthy of my list. 

Facial hair bronzed for the ages.

Clark Gable
It's hard to imagine Clark Gable without that thin mustache but in a few of his films he did appear without it, but let's face it, that was his trademark look and it looked great. Not a lot of people can or would even try to pull off such a thin mustache but he nailed it. He never really changed the style and I'd say it served him well over the years. Once I heard Scarlett say she didn't like Rhett's mustache but quite frankly, I don't give a damn. 

Dennis Gage
Most people into classic cars will recognize this mustache. Dennis Gage from the show, "My Classic Car," has a ridiculous handlebar mustache. I think a lot of people tune into the show to see the classic cars but end up watching this mustache. He wears it proudly and he should. It also really makes him look better in some of those antique cars because they go hand in hand...or should I say, hand in handlebar??? 

Here he is comparing himself to the Pringles guy.

Here he is pretending to laugh at terrible jokes.

Well there you have it, my epic famous mustaches! I have a few honorable mentions, such as, the Pringles symbol, Mark Twain, Burt Reynolds, Zorro, Sir Franis Drake, Burl Ives, and Wyatt Earp. I'm sure there are many more out there that I've missed but the ones that made my list are truly epic...but that's just my two cents. 

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Dennis Gage isnt comparing himself to the pringles guy... he is the pringles guy. He invented them while working for proctors gamble.