ORCHID UPDATES: FLOWER SPIKES

After my original "Manager's Special" I went and picked up 3 more "dead" orchid's to try and revive them. I showed you already how they grew new leaves and started to sprout roots. Well now each of them is growing a new flower spike which will soon grow buds and bloom into flowers. I also bought another manager's special from the same place the original one came from. The other 3 are from Lowe's bargain rack of dead plants.

The most exciting part is that I have no clue what color these flowers will be because they didn't have flowers when I got them. I will know soon enough and post another update.

 This little guy (above) grew some huge leaves then some long air roots and then this tiny new flower spike appeared. It is the smallest flower spike out of them all but this one grew the biggest leaves.

 This guy has a nice long flower spike but a ton of air roots on the other side. It looks like a mullet. The top two leaves were also grown after I bought this one. 

 This one has the longest flower spike and many new roots, including one that came out of the hole in the bottom of the pot and has grown up the side. You can even see where the tiny buds will start to form on the flower spike. 

This was the one I bought from the same place my original "Manager's Special" was bought. As you can see, it has a nice long flower stem and many new air roots. It only grew one new leaf since I had it but it was never in the terrible shape the others were. I think the big tear in its one leaf is why they marked it down so much. It also didn't have flowers on it but it did have a flower spike. I won't know what color of flowers it has until they bloom. 

And here's the newest bloom on my original orchid, the Manager's Special. Left for dead and marked down just to get rid of it. Looks ok to me.....

So there you have it, the update on my 4 saved orchids. The most surprising thing is that as I nursed them back to health they all went in the same direction. First they started to grow new leaves. Next they started to grow new roots and then air roots. Last, they started to sprout these new flower spikes. That isn't as surprising to me as the fact that they all did it at the same exact time. I thought some of them would take their time or whatever but as you can see, they all grew the same things at the same time, including new flower spikes as if they all were on the same timer. Odd how plants and nature can be sometimes.

Remember, plants will tell you what they need...you just have to know how to listen. If you do, you might just hear one say, "Thank you!" I would say these 4 new flower spikes on these 4 different orchids will be my, "thank you," but that's just my two cents.

One of my favorite shows: TODAY'S SPECIAL

In Alaska we got a lot of Canadian programing back before cable was huge and before satellite dish companies were options. One of the Canadian shows we got was Today's Special. This was a great show for children and Nickelodeon ran it for many years back in the 80's.

Today's Special was all about a department store's children's department. It focused on the night staff that worked there, the store was always empty because it was night time. A mannequin named, Jeff, was brought to life with a magic hat and some magic words. By day he was in store windows but at night he would come alive and learn about the world from Jodie who did the displays at night, the old night watchman  Sam, and the resident mouse, Muffy. Sam and Muffy were puppets but Jeff and Jodie were real people. The only condition of Jeff's magic was, he could NEVER leave the store and if his hat came off, he became his mannequin form. The magic words to bring Jeff to life were, Hocus, Pocus, Alimagocus.

Each day focused on a new topic. It helped that the characters were always teaching Jeff things because he had the mind of a child, but children at home related to that. Another character was Sam's computer that ran the store, TXL Series 4 Computer. She announced everything on the show but in scenes where Sam would talk to her, she was a normal character. She almost always ended up nagging Sam until he unplugged her just to shut her up, then he would laugh.

Jodie
Jodie was the main character. Jodie worked at the store after it had closed for the night. She was nice and calm and very smart. She was very patient and kind and had a great positive outlook on all of the situations. Jodie was constantly teaching life lessons to Jeff and was always understanding when he didn't understand something. After typing that all out I guess she was to model what a mother should be.

Jeff
Jeff was the mannequin that was brought to life in the first episode by a magician named Waldo the Magnificent. Jeff knew very little in the beginning and had to learn everything as if he was a child. If he ever leaves the store he will permanently be a mannequin forever. Jeff was an amazing dancer and danced in every episode. I THINK, I think because something happened with extra magic going to Jeff's feet instead of his head in the first episode or something like that, I haven't watched this show in over 25 years so please excuse my memory. Jeff was great and all the characters broke the 4th wall, especially Jeff. He was played by actor Jeff Hyslop and I found him on Facebook but HE STILL HASN'T ACCEPTED MY FRIEND REQUEST.

Sam
Sam Crenshaw was a puppet but he had an actual live cat named Penelope. Sam was old and knew about Jeff and helped to teach him. He was very understanding but he could be stubborn at times. He ran the store's security system through his TXL series 4 computer. He was very grandfather-like, not only in appearance but in his actions. He often spoke of the old days and used to be a marine.

Muffy
Muffy the mouse was another puppet on the show. She lived in the store and was always trying to play tricks on people. She was obsessed with cheese and she freaked out when somebody would mention a cat. She also only spoke in rhyme which was a cool touch. Muffy knew a lot and could help teach Jeff things but she also was portrayed as learning new things along side Jeff. I also noticed that her voice changed as the series went on.

I also always thought Gloria from Under The Umbrella Tree on Disney Channel, looked suspiciously very close to Muffy. Made me think Gloria was a cheap rip off of Muffy, I didn't like her for that and still don't.

I remember a lot from the show, especially the songs and dances that happened in every episode. I'm surprised at how much I still remember learning from this show. Some things I still remember learning are, butterflies live to 2 years old, trees can be indoors as babies, Toronto is a city, exercise keeps you healthy, how green screens work, thinking positively can make a difference, and how the digestive system works.

I can remember going into my mom's room as a 3 year old as we were getting ready to move to Pennsylvania from Alaska and I asked, "Mommy, will there be Today's Special in Pennsylvania?" I remember her saying she didn't know and that upset me. That's how much I enjoyed the show though. Many, many months later we got cable after moving across the country and I was watching Nickelodeon and they said, "Coming up next is, Today's Special." I got up from the couch and went running to find my mom to tell her the wonderful news.

There aren't shows like this on TV anymore that's for sure. A lot try to be informative and educational but they just seem so much slower and more boring. Today's Special had lessons, music, dancing, and puppets, everything you want in a show as a kid but that's just my two cents.  
 

HONORING A RETIRING ELF FROM SANTA'S WORKSHOP

We are gathered here today to honor an elf we all know and love. He has served Santa well for these past 98 years but the time has come for him to hang up his curly toed shoes and pointy hat. The workshop and Santa's plantation won't quite be the same without him but every good elf that isn't worked to death has to retire. So Drill Bit, this is your life!

Drill Bit was born in Rivendell but was never interested in perusing a career in archery like his father. Drill Bit knew he wasn't a cool warrior type elf, he was more of the toy maker elf. He couldn't get into Elf Law School so he went to Elf State University and majored in, "Wooden Train Making Studies," with a minor in Exterior Lighting. He barely managed to pass the Elf Boards but with a little help from his check book, he was able to pass all of his classes with flying colors! Those colors being red and green of course. College for Drill Bit wasn't all fun and drinking, he also was a prolific dater of female elves. Some of his former elf girlfriends were, Holly, Merry, Candy, and Noel. None of these could compare in beauty to Drill Bit's true love, Miss Eltoe. They didn't attend the same college though and Drill Bit had to put aside his animosity of the hated rival school, "Elf A&M," just so he could date her.

Drill Bit and Eltoe got married in the traditional elf way, by jumping the broom, and soon they heard the pitter patter of little footsteps in their home. They were being robbed by an elf. Feeling they needed a change, they moved to the North Pole to find work. At the time wooden trains were in high demand and Drill Bit found he was as useful as a Double A battery. In just 25 years he became head of the toy train department at Santa's workshop. Eltoe started out in wrapping but eventually got a job in the Claus home serving Mrs. Claus her evening cup of hot cocoa mixed with whiskey.

Sadly, no child has asked for a wooden train in the past 60 years and in fact wooden toy production as a whole has dropped to nearly zero in that time. Santa, being the thinker he is, promoted Drill Bit to overseer and put most of the other elves to work in electronics. Many of us have felt the sting of, "Driver," Drill Bit's enchanted whip! Drill Bit really loved his work, and we all have the scars to prove it! Toy production went up by 2% in his first year because of how handy he was with his bull whip. I can remember a time when I stopped working to get a drink of water and he gave me a whipping so bad that I made Frosty the Snowman spoon with me every night for a week due to the pain and swelling.

In his time here at Santa's workshop, Drill Bit has managed to add some impressive achievements to his resume. Drill Bit was the first one to suggest the 12 hour work day. He was also the first to suggest the elimination of lunch and limit bathroom breaks to one a day. Drill Bit joined the union but felt they were being too hard on Santa and helped to lower wages for all elves. Who could forget the Elf Help book he wrote entitled, "Why Are You Reading This Instead Of Working??" Truly when it came to making this a backbreaking labor of love, Drill Bit was unparalleled in effort.

All good things must come to an end though and our elf union says you can only work for 100 years before you have to retire and of course we know Drill Bit still had 2 more years to go but that time was cut short, just like his arms. Drill Bit, much like Mrs. Claus, liked eggnog to an unhealthy level and one night he tried to take the sleigh out for a ride on his own. He got caught in the reins and was dragged for several miles but luckily his arms tore off. Without the use of his arms to whip the other elves, Drill Bit's deadly, dreaded whip was useless, and so was he.

So today we congratulate you Mr. Bit on your retirement! We hope you enjoy your golden years with your wife. I speak for everybody when I say we will miss your constant cruelty of yelling and belittling us. Santa's workshop will never be the same without you! Every time an Elf is mistreated we will remember you Drill Bit! Now as Drill Bit would scream, let's get back to work and this speech just used up today's bathroom break.

7 CHRISTMAS SONGS THAT AREN'T CHRISTMAS SONGS

Most of the songs we hear this time of year aren't even Christmas songs even though that's what we call them. A lot of them are only heard this time of year so we group them as Christmas songs but in reality, some were written for different holidays completely!

I consider a Christmas song to have the word, "Christmas," in it, or mention the birth of Christ in some way, Santa Claus, or the word, "holiday."

1. JINGLE BELLS
Oh no! What? Not Jingle Bells! The most recognizable Christmas song of all time surely MUST be a Christmas song! The tune even appears in other Christmas songs! Sorry, "Jingle Bells" has nothing to do with Christmas. It never mentions Christmas, Jesus, or any holiday to be honest. Jingle Bells or "One Horse Open Sleigh," as it was originally called, was written by Lord James Pierpont and first played on Thanksgiving. He played it for his church and it was so well liked by the parishioners that they requested it to be played again for Christmas that year. It has been played every Christmas ever since. 

 2. JINGLE BELL ROCK
Sticking with the jingle bell idea, "Jingle Bell Rock," which I personally believe to be a cheap knock off of Jingle Bells only composed to ride the coat tails of the more popular song, is a very famous Christmas song. HOWEVER, not once does it mention Christmas, Jesus, or a holiday. This makes the song about riding in a horse driven sleigh and NOT Christmas.

3. WINTER WONDERLAND
Go shopping this time of year and you WILL hear this song. I think it is the most played song in stores in the month of December and there are so many versions of it, it's very possible to hear it 10 times without hearing the same one twice. In fact, it has been recorded over 200 times by various artists since 1934. Yet, this famous Christmas song, only played this time of year, has absolutely nothing to do with the holiday of Christmas. It's about a couple enjoying the snow and nothing more. I love this song, one of my favorites for sure but it's not about Christmas.

4. CAROL OF THE BELLS
You may not know the name of this song but you sure know it when you hear it. A very popular Christmas song that actually is about a different holiday. I understand the lyrics say, "Christmas," in them BUT the lyrics came much later after the song had gained popularity. This song was a Ukrainian folk song about the coming of the New Year long before anyone ever grouped it with Christmas music.

5. SLEIGH RIDE
The third song about riding in a sleigh that has nothing to do with Christmas! Sure it is played only at Christmas time and again, I love this song, but it never mentions Christmas, a holiday, or Jesus. It does however mention a birthday party which is the closest thing yet to a holiday in any of these songs. Sleigh Ride is a wonderful song about taking a ride in a horse drawn sleigh during the winter months and nothing else. (It was written in July by the way)

6. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Say it isn't so! Is Frosty the Snowman about Christmas?? The answer is.....no. I will say, "hats off," to Gene Autry for writing this in 1950, the year after he wrote Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. That guy is a Christmas song writing machine! Sadly this song isn't about Christmas, it never mentions it or any holiday. The version from the television special we all know and love DOES incorporate Christmas and in those lyrics it changes the line, "I'll be back again some day," to "I'll be back again on Christmas day." The original song and lyrics however, even though written for Christmas, never mention the holiday.

7. LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW!
Yes it has to be said 3 times in its title but no matter how many times it is said, it is NOT about Christmas. Written in 1945 during a heat wave this song quickly became a Christmas time classic although Christmas is not mentioned, nor Jesus, nor a holiday. It is simply about a couple enjoying their time together as it snows outside. It's a great song, I love it, it's just not about Christmas.


Well I hope that wasn't too damaging for you. Was your favorite Christmas song on this list? If it was, sad to say, you now know, it isn't a Christmas song. That doesn't mean we can't keep on living the lie though, so go ahead and enjoy these, "Christmas" songs!

SPOOKY HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS THAT WILL COST YOU NOTHING TO MAKE!

Halloween is upon us again. A time for tricks, treats, and candy. But above all these, is candy. If you're like me or the average 13 year old, you have enough money to buy candy on your own in pretty much any store out there, yet....you're going to go door to door begging for it like some homeless bum, aren't you? Don't be ashamed! Be ashamed of how much you paid for that Olaf Snowman costume that you're going to wear with your daughters as they go trick-or-treating.

Here are some CHEAP costume ideas that won't have your bank account frozen in fear! (over drafts) All you will need is a black blanket and maybe one or two household items and you can make your Halloween dreams into Halloween fun!

HEADLESS HORSEMAN, WITH A HEAD
Find a black blanket and tie it around your neck.....the tighter the better. You have a black cape! Now you are ready for a ton of different costumes! The first of which is that famous Halloween classic, The Headless Horseman! Just tell people that it was BEFORE he lost his head.

INSTANT ZORRO
Keeping the cape on, use some eye liner and draw a black mask around your eyes. There won't be much eye liner left, but what is left over use to draw a thin mustache and you have an instant Zorro! You can find black eye liner where your wife or girlfriend keeps her makeup. Don't tell her what you're using it for or she won't let you waste it.

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
Ever wonder what to do with that broken plate?? Just add it to your black cape and you have Andrew Lloyd Webber's singing jerk, the Phantom of the Opera! This costume is only cost effective IF you already have a broken white plate. Breaking a plate for this costume might be fun but it isn't as cheap as it could be. Just draw an eye hole with that eye liner makeup and the mask is complete. Take some duct tape and wrap it around your head and you'll be ready to terrorize the neighborhood!

HUNCH BACK CHILD
Do you have a lazy child? Sure we all do. After the first 3 houses your little brat is going to be whining about how tired or cold or bored they are. You COULD smack them OR you could turn them into a costume, which is even better! Take that black cape idea and give your child a piggy back ride. Just keep the cape over your kid as your carry them around. Walk with a limp and the illusion is complete! You're a hunch back with a living, breathing, annoying hump!

KIDNAPPER THE CANDY SNATCHER
Let's say you have a lazy kid but they are too lazy to hold on to your back for the Hunchback costume idea. Put your blanket down on the ground and have them sit in the middle. Take the four corners and bring them together over the child's head and pick it up like a satchel. Now carry them over your shoulder and you'll be the best kidnapper in town! You'll get double the candy too!

IRISH GUY
Are you hairy? Do you have red hair? Do you have milky-white skin? If you answered YES to any or all of these questions then I have the perfect cheap costume idea for you! Take that black blanket and this time tie it around your waist, not your throat. Next, take off your shirt. Voila! You are an Irish guy from Ireland! Tell people it's a kilt because they'll ask why you're wearing a skirt.

E.T. THE CHEAP TERRESTRIAL
Remember that terrifying movie E.T.? I still get chills just thinking of that horrible monster! Well now you can freak out your neighbors with my cheap E.T. costume! Take that blanket again, or any blanket and put it over your head and poke your face through. Now find any old cardboard box, it doesn't even have to be yours, there are a ton of these things just lying around dumpsters behind department stores. (Make sure you aren't stealing a homeless guy's house) Pull the box up to your waist and there you have it! E.T. when he was riding in the bike basket!

MOTHER TERESA
Nothing says Halloween like that saint, Mother Teresa. For this costume you will need to follow the steps for the E.T. costume minus the box. That's what I call cheap and easy Mother Teresa!

JULIUS CAESAR
All hail mighty Caesar in all his glory!  Take off your shirt and pants. Take that blanket again or any blanket and tie it around your neck. Slip one of your arms through the neck hole for a toga! Find any bush outside and pull some leaves off and stick them behind your ears for the perfect Julius Caesar costume! You'll look so much like Caesar that you'll have to keep checking behind your back to make sure Brutus isn't coming to stab your ass!

SUMO WRESTLER
Take that blanket again and tie it around your crotch and waist for a big diaper looking thing. Now you are a sumo wrestler! This works better the fatter you are, HOWEVER, if you're skinny just tell people that you're a sumo wrestler in training. Then go get some of that free candy!

INVISIBLE GHOST
If white ghosts are scary, then an invisible ghost must be ten times scarier! (math may be incorrect) Just put that black blanket over your body and cut some eye holes. A black colored blanket ghost makes you invisible in the pitch black night time! You'll be haunting the neighborhood all night long as you walk down the middle of the street!

KARDASHIAN
Truly there isn't anything more terrifying than the thought of a Kardashian sister coming into your room at night to kill you in your sleep. Be the most terrifying and popular person on your block with this cheap costume idea! Take your black blanket and a rubber band (gum band if you live in Pittsburgh, PA). Wrap the blanket around your head and hold it in place with the rubber band. Now it looks like you have long black hair! Make sure when you talk you use the word, "like," in every sentence and you'll be mistaken for one of those bitchy, undeserving, spoiled Karashian sisters all night long!

BAT MAN
Not the super hero but the human bat person YOU'RE going to be! Take the black blanket and tie it around your neck. Grab the two ends with your two free hands and hold on. Flap as you walk. You're a big black human bat! You can also bring some fruit and say you're a fruit bat.

HUMAN ENCHILADA
Here's a great idea! Take a blanket and spread it out on the floor. Lie down on one end of it and hold on. Then roll yourself up like a giant fruit roll up and you magically become, The Human Enchilada! You can also call yourself the Human Fruit Roll Up, so it's really two costumes in one.

BEER BELLY BOY (or girl)
What is as sad as a big old beer gut on a depressed middle aged man?? Not sure, but now you can be that man for Halloween! Take your blanket and roll it up into a big ball and place it under your shirt. A white wife beater or tank top works the best. Mess up your hair and bring a beer can as you go from door to door and your costume is complete!

REDNECK
Take the Beer Belly Boy costume and add a hat.

WORLD'S LUCKIEST MAN
Take the blanket and do your best to stuff it down the front of your pants. It will be difficult to get it all in but once you do you have a Halloween costume for the ages! People will notice your massive bulge right away and will surely ask what you're supposed to be. Just smile and say, "I'm the world's luckiest man."

CLINT EASTWOOD
First, take the black blanket or any blanket and cut a hole it big enough to stick your head through. Next, stick your head through. A perfect Clint Eastwood from such movies as, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, and A Fist Full of Dollars. You can use a cigarette too and not shaving for a couple of days helps. NOTE: There is no need to bring a gun with your for this costume but it helps if you want more candy.

F.D.R.
All we have to fear, is fear itself, AND high prices for Halloween costumes, itself! Is what that cripple Roosevelt would be saying if he were still alive today, God rest his soul. F.D.R. was a great president but he will make an even better Halloween costume! This one isn't so easy because you'll need a wheelchair to pull it off. Kindly ask grandma for the use of her wheelchair for the night or just dump her out of it. Borrow her glasses and put that black blanket over your legs for the best F.D.R. costume anywhere!

MAHATMA GANDHI
Gandhi was known as one of the most spiritual and peaceful people the earth has ever known. Who better to imitate and make fun of on Halloween?!?! The costume is simple, take a blanket and wrap yourself in it and put on a pair of glasses. Use a pair of sunglasses to go as, "Cool Gandhi," and girls wear this outfit without anything else and go as, "MaHOTma Gandhi."

SNAKE CHARMER
All this talk about Gandhi has made me think of another great cheap costume! Cut the blanket in half. Wrap half of it around your waist for a diaper effect and wrap your head with the other half to create a turban. Use a paper towel roll as a flute and you're a stereotypical snake charmer from India! You'll be charming people out of their candy throughout the night!

CIVIL WAR VETERAN
We lost a lot of lives in the Civil War but its loss was your gain because it gave me an idea for a Halloween costume! If your blanket is white cut it into strips. Tie these strips on various body parts such as, your arms, your legs, and around your head. You can add ketchup for fake blood stains if you want. Show  your support of the North or South with this creative cheap costume! 

Well I hope I gave you some good cheap Halloween costumes. I really got tired of typing out Halloween so I'm not going to say it one more time! Happy October Holiday!

BEING A GROOMZILLA

We all know what a, "Bridezilla" is but have you ever heard of a Groomzilla??? Well you're going to. I plan to be the biggest groomzilla the world has ever seen, and that pretty much means I'll be the first. I plan to put all Brides that have ever been called a, "Bridezilla," to shame! Here is what's in store for my groomsmen, a grueling and terrifying around the clock job to be at the beck and call of this self proclaimed Groomzilla. Pay attention to the wedding day itinerary that I have mapped out for the Groom slaves.

January 17, 2015

7:00 am: I must be woken up WITHOUT an alarm clock. I demand that my groomsmen enter my sleeping chamber, (which they will build weeks prior to the wedding) as silent as they can, and then slowly whisper my name, each time getting louder and louder until I wake up. They will then run out and announce to everybody that the Groom has woken after a peaceful nights rest. I demand clapping at this point.

7:01 am: The Best Man must turn up the heat in my room by 3 degrees.

7:04 am: Four of my groomsmen will grasp each corner of my blanket and remove it from me. The heat that had been turned up was so that it would not be too cold on my uncovered body. A groomsman will remove my sleeping cap while two other groomsmen will pull down my silk sleeping gown, having been sewn together the night before. I will then be carried by as many as it takes to my shower of previously collected rain water from the amazon jungle. Before I enter the bathroom the groomsmen will get down on their hands and knees and vigorously rub the tile floor so that the friction heats it up for my feet.

7:05 am: My groomsmen will wash me in the shower using the rainwater and Irish Spring soap, actually from Ireland and not Wal-mart. I don't want this to be awkward so each groomsman must act pleasantly surprised at the sight of my naked body and give me an individual compliment that can not be the same as one of the other compliments. My hair must be shampooed with a combination of the 3 most expensive shampoos from the most expensive hair salon in downtown New York City. After the shower, two groomsmen will dry me off using brand new red velvet towels with my initials stitched in gold, which will be immediately incinerated after I am dry so that no one can ever use these towels again. The 5 groomsmen will then take ancient Japanese fans, from Japan, and fan me for 5 more minutes to give me that, air dry feeling! The fans will also be incinerated after use.

7:20 am: Each groomsman will take a pair of tiny scissors and clip each leg hair and arm hair to the exact same size so that I have uniform hair all over my body. Once this is complete the Best Man will give me a ritual bikini zone waxing because I plan to wear a speedo, and only a speedo, at certain parts of the reception.

7:35 am: My deep tissue masseuse will promptly arrive, IF he is one second late the groomsmen will gang tackle him and give him a warning beating lasting 6 minutes, blunt objects are welcomed. IF he arrives on time he will be shown into my deep tissue massage chamber, (also previously built by the groomsmen) where I will be waiting. The groomsmen will surround the masseuse and watch him so he cannot try anything funny while giving me my massage.

7:50 am: After the massage is complete all 5 of my groomsmen will rub my body down with a mixture of Red Ocher and sheep tail's fat, the same exact mix as Shaka Zulu was rubbed down with every morning.

8:00 am: I will be dressed in a brand new outfit bought by the Best Man from Macy's, the one in New York City, not the mall. My underwear must be ironed and microwaved before the groomsmen put it on me. I will then be led back into my bed so I can have breakfast in bed.

8:05 am: Breakfast will be served to me on a silver platter with one of those cover things. The breakfast will consist of one pound of bacon, a half pound of sausage links, two scrambled eggs and two sunny side up eggs with the yolk just dippy enough for my wheat toast with real butter, a half a glass of orange juice and a half a glass of milk. Each glass must be half FULL not half empty because it is  my wedding day and I don't want to be pessimistic. The eggs must be farm fresh eggs collected from chickens that have been lovingly named by the farmer's daughters and only good names like, Henrietta, or Mother Clucker. After the breakfast is complete I shall be presented with a Ring-Necked pheasant egg white omelet that I will not eat but appreciate greatly. There will be no left overs and the groomsmen will lick the plates clean before washing them and then putting them into the dishwasher.

8:35 am: I will now be changed into a golf outfit for my yearly wedding day golf outing. My groomsmen will dress me in stupid golf pants, a pale yellow collard polo shirt, white golf shoes, and a stupid golf visor. One of my groomsmen will then present me with a funny bumper sticker that says, "I would rather be driving a Titleist." We will all laugh and enjoy the joke but I will not put it on my car.

8:45 am: The limo will arrive at precisely 8:45 so that the door is opened for me the second my groomsmen open the front door, allowing me to get into the limo as fast as possible and I will be led with two of my groomsmen holding my hands. Also the limo driver must be a Jim Carrey impersonator playing the role of Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber when he was a limo driver. He will also deliver all the famous lines in perfect comedic timing. IF he is unsatisfactory to me the groomsmen will call in the stand-by alternate Jim Carrey impersonator to replace the first.

9:30 am: We will arrive at the golf course and my groomsmen will open the door for me and bow as I step out of the limo. They should have already placed a red carpet and paid some fake paparazzi to act like I'm a big deal. As I walk into the country club I will act pissed at all the flash photography and I will make rude comments to them saying stuff like, "get a real job," and, "I just want to live my life without you people hounding me all damn day."

9:44 am: Our Tee time will be set for 9:44 because 9 plus 4 plus 4 is 17, which is the date of my wedding. The Best Man will pay the starter to compliment me on my golf swing, even when I miss the ball completely a few times before hitting it out of bounds. I also want him to say something bad about Tiger Woods, this will be his choice and harshness of comment will be based on how much the Best Man has compensated him. During the golf game that I will end up winning because the groomsmen will throw the game for me, they will clap every time I hit the ball and cheer every time I make a putt. I also demand that every time the ball is in the air, they start yelling excitedly while making outlandish remarks that it is going to be a hole in one.

11:30 am: After the golf game the groomsmen will treat me to a congratulatory drink in the clubhouse and tell me how they each played the best game of their lives but it was no match for my playing. I also want shaking of their heads and looks of utter disappointment and embarrassment. The Best Man will then buy me lunch in the clubhouse. The light lunch will consist of a BLT, with Vermont cheddar cheese and pickles on the side, Arnold Palmer half and half ice tea lemonade, delivered by Robert Palmer on a silver platter, and a side of apple wood smoked bacon. The apple wood must be several 100 years old and be from an apple tree planted by Jonny Appleseed himself. On the limo ride back to the house the groomsmen will continue to shake their heads in disbelief on the amazing game I just played, commenting often about how shocking it was and how badly they were beaten.

1:35 pm: We will arrive back at the house and the groomsmen will surround me as I get out of the limo and make my way to the front door, one on each side, one in the front and one in the back. The Best Man will walk backwards behind this group with a gun for extra protection and to look cool if the neighbors are watching. The neighbors will be watching because the limo driver will honk his horn incessantly as he pulls up to the house.

1:37 pm: The groomsmen will prepare my sleeping chamber for my afternoon pre-wedding power nap. They will cover a leather sofa with soft knitted wool blankets made from New Zealand sheep. Forming the blankets into a nest, I will take a nap and the groomsmen will then have time to write their speeches. They will also stand guard at the sound proof door so that no one can disturb me.

2:05 pm: The groomsmen will wake me from my nap with a special, "nap is over," theme written just for me and only used for this exact moment. The focus of the song will be on pumping me up for the wedding. 3 groomsmen will pull me from the nest and strip me out of my velveteen sleeping sack. The groomsmen will now inspect their tuxedos using magnifying glasses and covering every single square inch to look for white hairs. If a white hair is found it will be pulled off with tweezers and taken outside so it can not get on a tux again. After inspection of their own tuxedos the groomsmen will collectively inspect mine, ensuring it is 100% clean. All 5 groomsmen will now dress me. They will start by putting on my socks, then my bow tie, and so on in that fashion until I am completely dressed. Meanwhile one groomsman will have let in the crowd so they can cheer for me during this dressing process. The theme from Voltron will be played and the Best Man will announce each article of clothing as it is being placed on me so it sounds like what is said during the forming of Voltron.

2:25 pm: The groomsmen will saran wrap me before leaving the front door, not only does this keep the freshness in, but it will keep the tuxedo clean between the house and the church. Arriving at the church the groomsmen will sing a song made up for me and my entrance into the church to the tune of that, "Prince Ali," song from Walt Disney's Aladdin. The song will basically copy the lyrics of the original song, only my name will be in it instead of Prince Ali.

2:58 pm: Right before I enter the church the groomsmen will run in to work the crowd into a frenzy. They will use those shirt shooting guns that shoot rolled up shirts at sporting events but these shirts will have my picture on them and will say, "GROOM BABY GROOM!" On my way to the front of the church the Best Man will chant heroic deeds done by me from boyhood to the present. At the altar the groomsmen will line up in descending order based on tallest to youngest in age.

3:00 pm: As the actual service is about to start the Best Man will rub my shoulders and give me a pep talk resembling what Duke told Apollo Creed before his fight with Rocky Balboa. The Best Man will need to watch each Rocky Movie before the wedding so it can be as close to the real speech as possible. The speech should sound like, "Show them who you are tonight, show them who you are tonight, men love you, women love you, you're the best, you're the champ, old people love you, young people love you, he's a bum, he doesn't deserve to be in the same ring with you." and so on.


And then the wedding will begin. I know that people don't use the term Diva for men but clearly I will be one so I think a new term will be needed for me, I will use Divo. I will be the first Groomzilla, a Divo extraordinaire that my groomsmen will want to kill, but when I'm there in front of my family and friends with the lights on me and my tux, it will all be worth it!

EULOGIES FOR CLASSIC CHARACTERS

We all know and love these classic characters but what if they were to die? I decided that because I will never attend any of their funerals I will just have to write their eulogy as if I had been there. 

THE GRINCH 1957-2014
We are here today to mourn the passing of Whoville's favorite son, The Grinch. Many of us didn't even know this cave dwelling, dog abusing, green furry jerk until that one fateful Christmas morning. Our lives were changed forever when he came sliding into town giving us back our Christmas that had just been stolen by somebody completely different than him, as he told us. Never was there a nicer thing than the Grinch. He loved children and dogs and he, HE HIMSELF got to carve the roast beast every single Christmas feast. He was always thinking of others which was very impressive considering how much it took to turn his life around. He had a terrible childhood growing up and sadly he never found love but he loved all of us. He died of heart failure, turns out his heart was several sizes too big. We will never forget you Grinch and how you stole our hearts.

BOO BERRY 1973-2010
How do we say goodbye to someone that is already dead? I think we are all shocked as well as saddened by the passing of our dear friendly ghost, Boo Berry. He died peacefully surrounded by his loved ones Franken-Berry and Count Chocula. Boo Berry did so much more for his community than just inventing the first blue berry flavored breakfast cereal. He got his Ph.D from Harvard at a young age and some say he was a child at heart, that is, if he had had one. B to the Bizzle, as his closest friends called him, loved children and inspired an entire generation to eat sugar based cereal. The sorrow we have could fill a bowl. Splash on cold milk and you have a funeral that is part of this complete loss.

PETER PAN 1902-2014
What can you say about a boy who never wanted to grow up? Maybe that little boys never listen and that is exactly how accidents happen. Well that little boy immaturity led to his untimely end tragically after being warned so many times to watch for low flying jets over Never Land. But that's how Peter would have wanted to go, being cocky and daring, laughing in the face of danger! Now there is no laughter...only silence. Captain Hook was never able to finish the job, but God knows he tried! To think, instead of using cannons or swords, he should have just used a plane. On behalf of all the other Lost Boys, I would like to extend my deepest sympathies to the families of all the members of that flight that died when Peter caused the plane to crash after being sucked into the jet engine. Peter Pan is still flying right now, but he no longer needs to use fairy dust, he has wings of his own. And he isn't playing a pan flute, he is playing a harp. He is leaving behind his wife Wendy, which reminds me, he left you all of his tights.

CHARLIE BROWN 1947-2000
It is a sad day for everyone that knew good ol' Charles Brown. He finally lost his life long battle with Leukemia. Being a bald headed prepubescent kid for over 50 years couldn't have been easy for Charlie. In fact, nothing ever seemed to be easy for him. He spent the last few years of his life in a wheel chair after breaking his spine when friend Lucy pulled a football out from under him when he went to kick it. Charlie really went down hill after that. He had to sit and watch as his friends ran and played with their working legs and immune systems. How hard must it have been for this brave little soul? Snoopy, his beloved beagle, had to be put down due to old age and Charlie didn't have a reason to go on.....and yet he did. Charlie endured the hardships of life more than any of us will ever know and right now he is doing a dance with his dog up in Heaven. You were a good man Charlie Brown.

SANTA CLAUS 1881-2014
As I look down into this casket I see a cherry nose, cap on head, suit that's red, and completely 100% dead, must be Santa. A man that meant so much to a nation will live on in our hearts and he will have to, because he isn't living at the North Pole anymore. A lot of people said living up there was just plain crazy but jolly old Saint Nicholas didn't care what people thought about him and he lived his life doing what he loved, forcing elves to make toys so he could deliver them. Killed in a sled accident, this 8 deer pile up left Santa trapped for hours under a metric ton of toys with a torn sac. Let us not be sad because he is now reunited with his best friend, Jesus. You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout, I'm telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to Heaven. And as we now burry him out of sight, I will say Merry Christmas to all, and Santa go toward the light.

THE NOID 1986-1995
Society was instructed to avoid you Noid, but the whole time we were avoiding a friendship that could have lasted a life time. It was the Noid who should have avoided a specific lifestyle that led him to drug addiction and ultimately death. He had his issues yes, but few know the other side of the Noid, probably because they were so busy avoiding him. He never got a break in life and always seemed to be annoyed, hence his name. I will personally miss you Noid and I wish you hadn't been taken away from us so soon. The next time you order a pizza and it's late or ruined by the box, just know the Noid is looking down on you and smiling.

EEYORE 1926-2014
If you're like me then you are just as surprised as I am at the passing of our dear friend Eeyore the donkey. I wish there had been some kind of indication that he was depressed but I never caught on. None of us suspected he was unhappy enough to take his own life but here we are today. I know he ate thistles often and they had punctured holes into the lining of his stomach and intestines so he was slowly dying for a number of painful years but I don't want to remember the way he died, I say we remember the way he lived.......under a bunch of sticks. Who would have ever guessed depression was a major part of his life? He will surely be missed by all of his loved ones, especially his long time lover Piglet. Thank you all for coming today and thanks for noticin' him.

HOW TO TRANSPLANT AN ORCHID

You got a Phal Orchid from the store and it isn’t doing too good, so now what? If this sounds like you then your best bet might be to repot your flower. If it is in a tight little pot with moss, then you should replant it in a better medium because odds are, that is why it isn't doing well. I will show you the steps for re-potting an orchid.

STEP ONE.

Make sure the plant is done flowering. Re-potting while it is flowering will cause too much stress and the flowers it does have will probably wilt and fall off. Besides, being in a new pot the orchid will want to concentrate on its root system and having flowers in bloom takes too much energy to grow new roots, again, causing too much stress on the orchid.

3.99?? How embarrassing for this Orchid! 

Here’s a little manager’s special, possibly marked down because of the damage to the leaves. These leaves were also bright green when I first got it but a lot of sunlight and more water helped to nurse it back to health. It lost its flowers but most of them were already wilted or gone when I got it. The roots were growing like crazy! See how they came out of the bottom of the container?

This happens to be a good container for orchids. These slits and holes help air get in and circulate through the root system. The bad part is that this little guy was planted in moss and the damp tight conditions are strangling and breaking the roots while they sit in a soggy wet mess causing root rot. A great pot with a terrible medium. Let's give it some balance with a great medium. 

First remove any flower spike stick you may have. This particular flower has a great flower spike and a stick like this helps it stay straight up and down. Gently pull the stick out after you remove any clips or wire. It should come out easily without damaging any of the roots. 

The next thing I will do is pull the entire root ball out of the container which will be easy enough but you’re going to lose some of the roots that are growing out of the bottom. There is just no way to get them through. Luckily this plant has a very healthy root system. IF your orchid has very few roots or very damaged and weak roots, be as careful as you can to preserve the ones it has. 

STEP TWO.

Now that it is out you will notice how tightly packed in all the roots are with the moss. Literally nothing fell off or out when I pulled it out. Orchid roots are stiff and they don’t bend, they break. Being weak because of the tight moss didn't help matters. I pulled out the moss little by little until I got all of it out. I also ran it under water to wash the roots off.

See how much room the moss was taking up? Many of the roots on the inside were white because they had been too damp for too long. When moss is wet it expands and holds moisture, often getting wrapped around an orchid's roots but when it dries out, it tightens and contracts, strangling your orchid's roots. 

STEP THREE.

You’ll want to add the new medium. I highly recommend this brand, it's called Better Gro Phalaenopsis Mix. I have been VERY happy with the results and I doubt I’ll ever use anything else. I had to put most of this bark inside the roots before I put it back into the cup. With the size of these roots this plant could have actually used a slightly larger container but orchids do like their roots to be tight unlike most other plants.

Make sure your stick is in deep and good enough to hold up the flower spike. This spike wasn’t heavy because it had no flowers on it. This is a good time to trim back an old flower spike but I kept this one because it’s the perfect shape for when this little guy starts to bloom again. NOTE: A problem with buying a flower from a store is that you have no idea how old the flower spike is and how many times it has had flowers on it. In time you’ll need to trim it back and let a new flower spike grow. I felt this one might have some more blooms in the future so I’m leaving it for now.

Well there is this little Manager’s Special in the same container but with a new bark medium and a lot of its dead damaged roots clipped!  It looks like it could STILL use a bigger container but there is a lot more room in there without the moss and dead roots. It was an easy process and like my other little rescues, I’m sure this one will be thriving in no time! 

Remember, a plant will tell you exactly what it needs….you just have to know how to listen. 

MIDDLE CHILD SYNDROME, FACT OR MYTH?

I often hear people say there is a, "Middle Child Syndrome." Saying the term out loud is often accompanied by an eye roll or shaking of the head. It is said that a child that falls in between other siblings in an odd numbered set of children, is the middle child, and this child displays specific different behaviors due to his or her placement. Many people will laugh at this saying, "being the oldest is the toughest" or "being the youngest is by far the worst." Well today I will see if this so called, "Middle Child Syndrome" exists or not. As a middle child myself out of 3, I am the perfect person to do this study as I will not be bias in anyway, as middle children are never biased towards being middle children.

It has been said that second place is first place loser. As a middle child you were at one time the youngest but you were NEVER the oldest. Coming in second after the original child is a tough spot to be in, after all, we didn't pick that slot and we sure couldn't do anything ourselves to change the order. Yet we have to spend our lives being the NEXT child, the remake, not the original. We don't get all the hype and glamour as the first child did for their pregnancy. The excitement is there yes but it is nothing compared to the excitement of the news of the first born. In fact, "First Born" is a term, have you ever heard anyone say, "That's so expensive they want your middle child!" Of course you haven't, I suppose our value just isn't as high or important as the first born jerks in this world. I apologize for saying jerks, they also didn't pick the order to be born in........not that you could tell if you've ever spoken to a first born child, but nevertheless, I will say they don't complain about the order as much as the baby of the family. Again, people will yell at this point and say we middle children complain the most and how dare I say otherwise? Well, true, we sure do complain the most but FOR GOOD REASON! Let's discuss the differences between those who came sliding out first, last, and somewhere in the middle.

FIRST BORN
How convenient for you. The special treatment you guys get is just ridiculously unfair. I will list all of the common complaints you people whine about and then I will promptly debunk all of them. You love to say how you were mom and dad's "guinea pigs" well that's a nice way of putting it but don't dumb it down like that, the second child has it ten times worse because our parents do a complete 180 with us after they've screwed you up! Even the good stuff gets turned around! They let you out until midnight, you screw that up so we had to be home by 10! Guinea pigs? If that's what you call a mother and father's pride and joy and just trying to do the very best at raising you. Also moms and dads are the LEAST burned out when they have you. The second we middle children are born they both sigh and say, "Here we go again!"

The Eldest loves to say they had the most responsibilities. Oh did you? That was  a bad thing was it? Do you know what the people who have the most responsibilities in the real world are called?? THE BOSS. You got to treat us like slaves and we were FORCED, against our will, to listen to you and do what you say. And the whole time, as we stood in your shadow, we admired and idolized you. Did you care or show appreciation for that admiration? No, you just laughed at us with your friends and looked down at us and tortured us and made us your slaves because you were bigger than us, you were smarter than us, and damnit you had the power handed to you to do so.

 I'll also point out how if it ever came down to our word verses your word, mom and dad ALWAYS picked the older child because they are older and MUST be telling the truth. How did the lamp get broken? Let's ask our suspicious first born child, they would never lie to get out of anything! Parents you suckers, do you realize how many times a punishment was given out to a child that didn't deserve it? The few times you were caught you pouted worst of all, acting like it was so undeserving and so unfair. You avoided many spankings because YOU told mom and dad we did it!!! Also, how did those clothes fit and feel for you guys? Nice? They should have, they were BRAND NEW. Wish we middle children knew what that was like considering all we got were your hand-me-downs. Good thing we wanted to dress like you because once you were done with those filthy rags, we were wearing them!

Face it, you had the newest clothes and toys. You had the latest bed time. You had the biggest room. You crawled out of your big kid bed every morning to go off and do what you pleased as we stood there stuck in our cribs like caged animals. You never wore a hand-me-down in your life and you got to do EVERYTHING first. You never got pushed around by your siblings and you got the power, YOU WERE THIRD IN COMMAND BEHIND MOM AND DAD for crying out loud! You had it wonderful and you STILL complain! I didn't even have a baby book made for me, but my older sister sure did! You were the first. First place. How is first place ever a bad place to be? In some countries the first born child is the most important thing in a family's life, not the middle child, the first born.

As you stole our toys we stole your thunder didn't we....the new kid in town and down the hall getting all the attention and presents and love showered down on us. It was great, I'm not going to lie, being the baby DEFINATELY has its perks, we were newer, cuter, and more relevant but you couldn't take sharing the spotlight and you spent your childhood resenting us. Everyday you'd get a little revenge on us, by picking on us, making us feel stupid, making us do something we didn't want to do, beating us up and why? All because we were born after you. Sounds like a jerk to me! If you first born kids were jerks there was one trick you couldn't pull that only a true master could, being a cry baby....

THE BABY
Fitting name for you group of whiny little brats. I admit that the babies do complain the most about their spot in the family but unjustifiably I have to say. Don't forget babies, we middle children were the babies at one point too, we know exactly what it was like and I think I speak for all of us middle children when I say, IT WASN'T SO BAD!

The youngest, the cutest, the smallest, the last child. Our parents held a very special place in their hearts for you. Ever hear a parent say, "They are special because we knew we wouldn't have anymore." Of course you have but you know what you never heard a parent say? "We plan to have more, so this one isn't that special." Sure they never said that but they didn't have to.....a middle child already knows.

We literally watch as our baby title is stripped from us and given to you. I suppose we can relate to the older child for the first time. Unfortunately for us, the older child is a seasoned veteran by this time and it doesn't phase them as much as it does us. Anyone console us about no longer being the baby? Nope. We get told we are now going to a big sister or big brother and that sounds great to us because we know what that comes with! But wait no, it comes with all the negatives and none of the positives. Not surprising considering the life we lead, or should I say follow because we never got to lead.

What are your biggest complaints? Don't try to say hand-me-down clothes,  you know damn well that by the third round those clothes wouldn't cut it so you got everything brand new, just like the eldest child. Speaking of them and their hatred for us youngers, they hated you less because after so long of being angry and resentful towards the middle child for taking their thunder, they let it go and could enjoy you as a sibling. Older kids also had something that we didn't when the third kid comes along, maturity. That maturity helps their hatred of a younger sibling grow less bright. The middle child, on the other hand, is left to just deal with it.

Mom and dad always believed you over the older middle child. For whatever crazy phenomenon, parents will look at the middle child and say, "You should have known better." Odd that it was turned around on us with our older sibling, but not in this case! Before you were born they used to say, "The older child knows better and must be telling us the truth, so you're getting a spanking." The baby is always right. The baby always gets what it wants and they KNOW IT. They love to complain and say mom and dad make it so tough on them because of the first two, but we all know that just isn't true. The truth is your parents are so tired of trying to be good parents by the third child, that they let you do whatever the hell you want! The baby definitely has it the easiest. No responsibilities, no worries, and no cares. You sit at home as we go to school, you play with your toys when we are forced to do homework. You learn from the mistakes of the older two and you use that as a weapon to get what you want saying, "Mom and dad, I'm not them, I won't do what they did, I saw what it was like!" Freedom is what you gain. You also have two examples to learn from and are by far the smartest, craftiest, and sneakiest child mom and dad has because of it.

The baby. Always protected, always right, the last one and crowning achievement of our parents. So special because you mark the end of an era. You also signify the end of a long slave-like labor our parents have been enduring but once you're 18, that all ends, and you remind them of that everyday when they look at you, which makes them happy. You also love to say how mom and dad stopped having kids after you because they finally got it right after 2 failed attempts. Sometimes you're bigger jerks than the first born siblings! And can you stop with the fake crying??? Mom and dad fell for that every single time.

THE OVERLOOKED MIDDLE CHILD (notice no bold or underline for ours)
So what do we get? Let's review shall we? We don't get anything brand new. We don't get to stay up late because that is based on age and the older child gets to stay up later than we do, and the baby doesn't have to get up early plus they take naps during the day so their bedtime is later. I literally laid awake in my bed at night staring at the ceiling trying to figure out how the hell I was the only one in bed while the rest of the family was downstairs. (true story) We aren't old enough to do fun things but we are old enough to know better leaving us in the perfect spot to get in trouble. We are never the first to do anything. Mom and dad try to correct all their mistakes they made on our older sibling so they really crack the whip with us, but by the time they get to the baby they've given up and let them do whatever they want. Being the first born child is an honor and a title. Being the baby is a privilege and a title. What title do we get? The title of complainer??? Do you see why yet?

IN CONCLUSION
I will say that having siblings is great and I wouldn't trade it for the world. The middle children are also the most understanding and compassionate out of the 3. I know there are still some first borns and babies out there that will disagree with these findings and refuse to say we had it the worst but go ahead and be like that, prove us middle children right for the 1,000,000th time. First borns can't say they know what its like to be anything other than the first born. Babies can't say they know what it's like to be anything other than the youngest. BUT.....a middle child can!

Unfortunately my findings fall short for one simple reason....I get to go through life as a big brother and a little brother and THAT is one thing the other two can never say. So here's to me and the other middle children out there. Surely there is a Middle Child Syndrome but it isn't disease, it's a learned behavior.

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA FROM MY VIEWPOINT

So I decided to talk a little bit about that famous Andrew Lloyd Webber classic, "Phantom of the Opera." He didn't write this or even come up with the idea for it actually, in fact nothing good he does is original come to think of it...but he did write the music for it. Phantom of the Opera was a silent movie years  and years ago, that gives you some idea of how old it is. I'm going to discuss it but from my point of view. SPOILER ALERT: I will discuss the ending and secrets.

The phantom of the Opera is about these two dudes that just bought a new opera house theater thing and they're like, "Oh cool, we're gonna be rich now cause we are going to put on some operas!" Phantom of the Opera, btw, is a musical not an opera but how ironic is that? Anyway, these two guys are checking out a rehearsal of their first performance they will be putting on and there is this really bitchy diva lady that is their top woman. She's the "fat lady" from the old saying, "It ain't over until the fat lady sings." Not sure if the character is always portrayed as a fat woman so I'll go ahead and apologize to the actress that was playing her the night I went to see it. Sorry, you did a good job! She's all important and annoying but they love her because she is good at what she does. Then all of a sudden this crap from the ceiling falls almost killing her! And everyone is like, "It's that damn ghost again!" And the two dudes are like, "wait ghost what now??" And the former owner of the opera is like, "GOOD LUCK BITCHES!!!"

People start to say there is a phantom of that opera house and if you anger him he will mess you up. Well the two dude guys are like, "Hey, this is sum bullshit here, we didn't buy a ghost, all we wanted was to put on operas!" They don't really believe in him but almost everyone else there does. So the diva fat woman (again sorry ma'am) is like, "Hey screw this job, I'm tired of almost being killed by some dumb idiot ghost guy, I quit until you fix this problem!" And the two dudes are like, "Oh that's just great, our best singer just walked out on us just because she almost died today at work!" Then this little girl, (again, not sure if the character or just the actress was little) comes out and is like, "Oh dudes, the best singer is one of your dancers and she just has to prove it to you by singing so please let her!" That's where Christine comes in, she's the main character and I guess her dad was a famous musician or something? She starts singing and the two dudes are like, "Man, she's pretty damn good! Who cares about that fat woman, this is the star of the show right here!" And there is a cool transition singing part that shows she is in the lead of the opera and everyone thinks she is great.

Then this other guy named Raoul is in a balcony watching her and he's like, "Oh no shit! That's that girl I used to know and now I like her!" So he goes and talks to her and wants to be with her and she's like, "There is an angel of music that my dead dad sent me and he is helping me to be a great singer, just don't piss him off." The other dude is like, "Ok you're crazy but hot so I'm in love with you and screw this angel of music guy and let's go party!" Well this doesn't make the Phantom of the Opera happy! He gets all jealous and pissy and plans to just kidnap Christine for some reason.

This is the cool part of the show with the best song as far as I'm concerned. Oh wait, I forgot about the beginning! So in the beginning I'm confused because it takes place way after the musical you are about to watch happens, so the whole time we are all watching a flashback story. But it starts out with them auctioning off old crap from that opera house and they're like, "CHECK OUT THE CHANDELIER, IT USED TO BE OLD BUT NOW IT'S AWESOME AGAIN!" And the music starts and its a really cool intro for a musical I have to say.

So any ways the Phantom takes Christine down into his dungeon lair hell hole shitty apartment and is like, "This is where I live and I'm your angel of music, thanks for coming along with me when I came out of your mirror no questions asked!" He's all, "start singing" and she does, never asks why or whatever then goes to sleep in his bed. I thought that was odd, she just gets tuckered out and takes a little nap. Meanwhile, the Phantom is being a jerk by writing music and singing and the whole time I'm like, "Wo wait, she's trying to sleep you ass!"

She wakes up and is like, "let me check out the gross half of your face!" I can honestly say we are all wondering what's under that cool mask but he is a bit sensitive being a freak of nature and all and he throws this big hissy fit and I'm thinking, "Well this is what you get for kidnapping someone AND for trusting the outside world, as you should have known, we will NOT accept you."

The two owners of the opera are enjoying prosperity because everyone loves Christine and thinks she's just the best but the Phantom keeps sending them notes on how they should be doing stuff and they're like, "geez, screw this guy, enough with the notes and orders already!" So they ignore them and keep doing what they want and the Phantom is like, "Welp, I'll just kill someone to prove I'm not joking around here." He hangs the janitor or whatever and everyone is freaking out but he's all calm about it like, "what?? I'm a hideous monster! What did you expect? I don't care what you think about me!"

Now the people want the Phantom dead and are convinced he is real and they should be terrified of him but the whole time Raoul, the guy that is dating Christine, is like, "I bet it's just some ugly guy in a mask and cape and I ain't afraid of no ghost!" People are like, no way man, that ghost will mess you up! So he asks the dance teacher because she seems like she knows everything about him, which made me wonder if she was in on anything. Guess not though, she tells his story and I'll do my best to relate what she said:
               
             "This ugly freak was born once and they stuck him in a cage and made him travel around with a freak show for a circus. But he wasn't just ugly, he was also talented! He could make inventions and stuff and he was very musically inclined as far as freaks go. But like most circus folk, he had a bad temper and anger issues and I think he may have killed some people." 

They keep getting these notes from the Phantom and in the current opera its like, "Make the big fat lady a silent part and make Christine the star." And they're like, "Oh whatever jerk, we're going to do the opposite!" This part was great and really funny, it is actually my favorite part of the whole thing. Somehow Phantom messes with the fat lady's voice and she can't go on and the whole opera is ruined and they are all mad and stuff and then the Phantom is like, "Oh you don't like that? Well I have something worse."

 Well the cranky-ol Phantom decides no one is listening to him and he is SO upset, how upset is he? Upset enough to drop a chandelier! And he does. It's actually a really cool part of the show because they really do drop a massive chandelier and it's over the actual audience and you just know half of them crapped their pants. People in the theater actually screamed out, it was pretty awesome. 

Christine finally tells Raoul about the Phantom and Raoul is like, "Don't worry, I'll kick his ass if he comes near you again." But he also proclaims his love to her and Christine is like, "Oh ya, I love you too." The Phantom over hears this because he is hiding behind a statue and he is like, "Oh Raoul you are SOOoooo freakin dead....."  and we're all thinking, "You know what? This could be a pretty good fight." Now it is time for intermission AND my intermission report!

Ok well so far at this part we have established all the characters and what they're about. We know the Phantom is the bad guy but we're not sure why at this point because it seems like the classic tale of man trying to get woman by using them. The bathroom lines are ridiculously long and I really suggest just skipping them or peeing your pants. You can also use a handicap bathroom when no one is looking. I watched someone do that several times. You can get something to eat or drink at this point but watch out the prices are INSANE! I shouldn't complain, if you're wearing a tux to watch a musical, then I assume  you'll pay 6 dollars for a Pepsi. (actual price)  

The show starts and it's my favorite song from the whole thing, "Masquerade." You'll know its called that because they sing that word about 100 times in it, also its the same song that the musical mechanical monkey plays. (You'll understand what that means when you watch it) They are having a big party because the Phantom has left them alone for a long time and everyone thinks he is gone. Christine and Raoul reveal they are engaged now..........to no one but themselves. See, Christine knows the Phantom will be pissed if he finds out so she comes up with this stupid idea of a "secret engagement." Oh yes Christine, this is believable! A girl that wants NO ONE to know about their engagement! No flaws in this plan! No girl ever wants to tell every single other girl and human being about how they are now engaged! No girl ever talks about their upcoming wedding with anyone either. Yes, Raoul will just fall for this load of crap. Well turns out, he does. He even says, "I can only hope I understand in time." Really? How much time do you need? The engagement might be over by that time and you'll be married idiot!

Anyway, awesome entrance at this point. As the great Masquerade song comes to an end, and all the rich jerks are having their party, the song goes directly into the Phantom theme and it's loud and in your face and the door busts open and the Phantom comes in and they're all like, "OH SHIT!" Really one of the best entrances of all time. And he's all cool and is like, "Oh what, you thought I was gone? Well too bad jackasses! Not only am I here, but I have written you an opera and you better preform it or I'll break more than that Chandelier." They know he isn't kidding because he already killed a guy once and had a few more failed attempted murders.

Turns out the Phantom's opera sucks. They can't sing it and they all hate it and I agree with them, it really wasn't all that good. Yet, they're terrified if they don't do it, they're all going to die, so what choice do you have in a situation like that? Now Raoul is convinced the little freak boy is who the Phantom really is and he plans to catch him so he sets up a trap during the Phantom's opera. I also believe the the Phantom made this opera just as an excuse to hit on Christine.

The musical was getting long at this point and I don't remember much about how he escapes but whatever he does he again kidnaps Christine and takes her his underground hide-out. The dance instructor is like, "Ok Raoul, I'll show you where he lives but I'm not going down there!" So Raoul goes down to find her and tangle with the Phantom. It's a cool part because they have a fight and I have to say I was a little bit disappointed in the Phantom's fighting, I felt like he should have really had super-human strength or something like that. However, let us not forget he was into music and not sports. Just as we think Raoul is going to keep wailing on the Phantom, he falls for a trap and the Phantom hangs him with a magic rope thing. Pretty cool by the way. So Raoul is standing there all tied up by the neck and gagging and Phantom is all calm and collected and is like, "Well I'll kill him whenever I get around to it. BUT FIRST, I need Christine to choose either me or him." She's like, "Seriously? I have to choose one of you? Why is it even a choice! I totally picked Raoul over you from the start you moron, I only used you for the singing lessons and help to become famous and then, I went for the rich handsome guy, what the hell am I choosing???" She didn't say any of that, but I could see it in her eyes. She says she chooses the horrid Phantom IF he just lets Raoul go. This makes the Phantom realize a few things, and I can't say what they are???


Theory 1. Some people think that at that moment he realizes he has been a joke this whole time and never was in the running for Christine and had been played, so like a fool, he will just go ahead and let them both go as one of those, "Ok, you got me! I'll be a good sport about it though," kind of things.

 Theory 2. Some people think that at that moment he realizes how much Christine loves Raoul, that she is willing to end up living in a sewer married to a monster just to let the other guy live. Knowing how strong that love is, he decides to let them go because he doesn't have the same thing with Christine yet it is what he wanted.

Theory 3. Some people think that at that moment he realizes he clearly isn't her first choice and he doesn't want to be second place loser, so he lets them both go, knowing he wasn't picked even though she says, I choose you Phantom.

SPOILER ALERT FOR THE ENDING...
I can't say what the reason is but he just kinda tells them to get out of his basement room thing because the angry mob is breaking his door down. Not sure why he felt the need to help them, "escape" it's not like the mob would have killed Christine or her secret fiancee, they were there to save them! But he is like, GO SAVE YOURSELVES!!! And they go and he just lies on the floor all sad and pathetic playing with his toy monkey. As it plays he actually starts to slowly sing the masquerade song and many people in the audience at this point went, "OHHHH, IT WAS THAT SONG."  So then the mob breaks down his door and they charge in and we are all thinking, "Well this looks like the end for our gentle murderer. Poor guy." They grab him and he just kinda bends over and hides in his cloak all shameful and defeated and they drag him out to center stage and then BAM!!! His cloak falls to the floor, completely empty!!! It was REALLY cool and so bad-ass that he escapes like that. All that remains on his empty cloak piled up on the floor is his mask. The crowd all gasped at that part and then started clapping. 


And so that is the Phantom of the Opera according to how I see it. I love how the bad guy gets away in the end and I'm not sure he even was the bad guy. So he killed a few people, who can say they haven't done the same thing?? Sure he was just using a girl because he was obsessed over her but again, who hasn't done that before? I really think this is time's oldest tale, guy likes girl, guy obsesses over girl, guy gives girl stuff she wants, girl leads guy on, guy really obsesses over girl and starts to scare her, girl meets better guy but continues to reap the benefits of the first guy, guy starts to get wise to the girl so he gets possessive, girl starts to find a way out, guy gets really possessive, girl finally leaves guy breaking his heart but comes back with the classic "what did you expect? You're a freak." I've seen it a 100 times.....

I say go see the Phantom of the Opera if you like the following: Freaks in masks, capes, singing, operas, musicals, chandeliers, and toy monkeys. You'll be glad you did but that's just my two cents. 

ANDREW'S ALTERNATE ENDING
The ending was pretty awesome since he gets away and does it in such a cool way but I think it would have been slightly cooler if at that point when he disappears you all of a sudden start to hear his evil laughter all loud and echoing and the mob is looking all around confused and scared and then they hit the first few notes of that awesome Phantom theme, then the curtain comes down. Didn't happen that way but I think that would have been pretty pleasing to the crowd.