ROBIN HOOD vs. LEGOLAS vs. CUPID vs. GREEN ARROW vs. HAWKEYE vs. DARYL vs. WILLIAM TELL vs. KATNISS vs. ME

These well known bow and arrow slinging characters never had a chance to face each other....UNTIL NOW. I wanted to know what would happen if all of these bow using people had a big tournament to find out which one is truly the best at shooting arrows. I created a fictional contest to find out who really was the best of all time. This is an archery contest for the ages! I have also entered the contest because I once won an archery contest as a child, which I feel qualifies me to go up against history's most famous arrow slingers. Who will win and who will quiver in fear??? (smart joke)

I swear I put these names into a hat and drew them randomly. I can't make this up people, I really have a lot of time on my hands. So here we go! The bracket to start off our tournament BUT FIRST, I will introduce each character just so we all know who I am talking about here.



THE CONTESTANTS

Daryl from The Walking Dead.
Daryl Dixon uses a crossbow, not sure it should count in this tournament because the rest use an actual bow but I let him in because so many of us know and love him. He is living in a zombie filled world just trying to survive day to day. He is deadly with many things but his weapon of choice is the crossbow. Many zombies have met their end from an arrow shot by Daryl, but does he have what it takes to be the best???

Green Arrow DC Comics Superhero
Oliver Queen, billionaire businessman crime fighting superhero that uses archery. He first appeared in 1941 so he has been around for a long time. He is a part of the Justice League and although has some trick arrows, was asked to only use normal arrows for this competition. How does he stack up against the rest of our fictional contenders? We'll soon find out. 

Hawkeye Marvel Comics Superhero
Clint Barton, member of the Avengers, was created in 1964 by Stan Lee and also uses archery to fight crime and combat evil! He does not have an actual superpower though. An obvious rip off of Green Arrow, Hawkeye was raised in a circus where he would do trick shooting and earned the name, "The World's Greatest Archer." Let's find out if he really lives up to that title!

Legolas from Lord of the Rings
Legolas was the son of the Elf-King of the woodland realm. He is deadly with his Elven long bow, it is over 6 feet long and is said can send an arrow with fatal force over 400 yards. Elves have better eye sight and hearing than humans and with these skills Legolas, who is revered for his archery skills, will be a worthy opponent!

Cupid from mythology
In mythology Cupid is the god of desire, erotic love, attraction and affection...and he can sling an arrow like a son of a bitch! When the God Apollo claimed he was a better archer than Cupid, Cupid shoots him to prove a point. That's the kind of attitude I want in this tournament!

Robin Hood from English folklore
Robin Hood, the heroic outlaw that steals from the rich and gives to the poor! Living in Sherwood Forest with his band of merry men, Robin was well-known for being a skilled archer. The famous contest where Robin splits an arrow in two after it has hit the bull's-eye is exactly the kind of shooting he will need to have to win this contest!

William Tell from Swiss folklore
We all know the William Tell Overture and love it. Legend says when this badass refused to bow to a hat, he was forced to shoot an apple off his son's head. Can you imagine how that conversation with his wife would have went if he had missed??? William Tell used a crossbow to split the apple in two but can he beat these fictional characters without the help of his son's head?? We'll find out!

Katniss from The Hunger Games
Katniss Everdeen was forced to kill a bunch of children during the Hunger Games. She gained her archery skills from hunting animals to survive while living in District-12. She scored an 11 out of a possible 12 during the pregame judging due to her skills with a bow and arrow. However, this time she isn't up against a bunch of children.

Andrew the writer of this blog
I won an archery contest as a kid one time by hitting the dead center of the bulls-eye with my first shot. I feel that qualifies me enough for this match up.


With an odd number of people entered into this contest, one of them will have to sit out the first round. I put the names into the hat and the last one that is not chosen will win the first round-bye. I swear my name was the last name so it means Andrew advances to the second round! I swear that really happened, I seriously drew these names and mine was the last one left over because it was an odd number, I didn't look or anything. No one is going to believe that and there was no way I could have made it to the second round but that's what happened! 

ROUND ONE

In our first round match up we have Cupid VS. Daryl and the winner of that will face the winner of Hawkeye VS. Legolas. On the other side we have William Tell VS. Green Arrow and the winner of that will square off against the winner of Robin Hood VS. Katniss. Remember all of these match ups were drawn randomly. I, having been randomly selected for the first round bye, will face the first winner of the first match up. 

CUPID VS. DARYL
In our first match Daryl from the Walking Dead goes up against the well known God of love and symbol of Valentine's Day, Cupid. The flying boy archer that strikes our hearts with love will face a man living in a post apocalyptic world where he uses his crossbow just to stay alive. Head to head we have a human being verses a god, not a very good match. While Daryl has done some pretty amazing fancy shooting just to stay alive, he doesn't measure up well in a contest. Cupid carries two kinds of arrows, one that causes desire and one that causes desire to flee. Daryl would not be able to hit the flying deity but would be struck by the lead tipped arrow causing him to want to flee. Besides with Daryl going from badass to crybaby in recent seasons, I think he would probably be afraid of Cupid and run off anyways. Either way he'd get shot and be out of this tournament. WINNER: CUPID

WILLIAM TELL VS. GREEN ARROW
Our next match up is William Tell verses Green Arrow. The Green Arrow would not approve of this contest as he is a hero and doesn't kill for sport. William Tell pretty much had no problem doing what he was told when it came to shoot an apple off his son's head so I think William Tell would go ahead and try to shoot Green Arrow. However without the life of his son to motivate him, I think William Tell  would be no match for a Superhero and in self-defense Green Arrow would take William Tell out fairly easily. William Tell would get a shot off but it wouldn't matter in the end. WINNER: GREEN ARROW

LEGOLAS VS. HAWKEYE
Now we have Legolas Greenleaf, the Mirkwood prince to face another superhero, Hawkeye. With speed and agility combined with far superior eyesight and reaction time, Legolas will have put 5 arrows into Hawkeye before he could get one out of his quiver. Hawkeye was just a human with amazing ability but no true super powers. Unfortunately this match would be over very quickly and Legolas, having no hesitation to kill a human, would have another big advantage. I will say Hawkeye would make a valiant effort to get a shot off, but it would be over before he knows it. WINNER: LEGOLAS

ROBIN HOOD VS. KATNISS
A fight for readers everywhere! The Prince of Thieves squares off against the symbol for the rebellion! Truth be told Katniss would never join this competition so we had to tell her it was either her or her little sister. She would then join reluctantly. Robin Hood on the other hand would join immediately to prove he is the best archer in all the land! Fighting for her life is something Katniss has not only done before, but has done quite well. No tricks this time though and Katniss would have to shoot another person without hesitation. She wouldn't be able to do this, not as fast as Robin Hood would. He wouldn't wait and yet, he would have extreme difficulty shooting a lady. They both hesitate but Katniss would hesitate a tiny bit more giving the edge to Robin Hood. She would wound Robin but not fatally and his arrow would find its mark. WINNER: ROBIN HOOD

SECOND ROUND
Since Cupid was the first winner it is only fair that I will have to face him. The winner of that will face Legolas. On the other side we have Green Arrow against Robin Hood.

CUPID VS. ME
In the first match up Cupid verses Andrew, I feel I would get an arrow off towards Cupid's general direction. I'm sure it would miss him by a lot and before my arrow was even in the air I would have already been shot by one of his arrows. Thank goodness he doesn't kill anyone and I would be stricken with love. Unable to focus on the task of shooting that naked flying baby, I would just wonder away from the contest singing love songs to myself. WINNER: CUPID

ROBIN HOOD VS. GREEN ARROW
The second fight has Green Arrow VS. Robin Hood. Again Green Arrow would face a moral dilemma about shooting an innocent person that was also forced into this stupid archery contest. He would also still feel pretty bad for shooting another person that did nothing wrong to get to the second round so he really wouldn't want to do this too. Robin Hood on the other hand would love to win this event and he would feel much better going up against a man instead of a woman. Robin Hood would not hesitate this time but Green Arrow would and that is why Robin Hood would just barely slay Green Arrow in a narrow victory. WINNER AND ADVANCING TO THE FINAL ROUND: ROBIN HOOD

CUPID VS. LEGOLAS
Cupid and Legoas will now have to face each other for a chance to go to our final round. For this to be fair we had to make Cupid drink the same potion that made Hercules mortal. He did it and was quite pleasant about it actually. Two non-humans face each other for a chance to go to the winner's circle to face Robin Hood! Now that Cupid is mortal just getting a shot to hit him as he flies and fires back would take a whole lot more than any man could do....luckily for Legolas because he isn't human. I feel a few shots would be fired back and forth but the skill of killing and the experience would go to Legolas and he would take out Cupid as hitting a moving target wouldn't be that difficult using his Elven eyes. WINNER AND ADVANCING TO THE FINAL ROUND: LEGOLAS

FINAL ROUND, ROBIN HOOD VS. LEGOLAS

Now what you have all been waiting for! The final round and championship match-up! ROBIN HOOD VERSES LEOGLAS. What a match! Probably the most famous archer of all time, Robin Hood, going up against the fan favorite of the Lord of the Rings movies and books, Legolas!

Robin Hood knows he's up against a very powerful and worthy adversary. Legolas, on the other hand, isn't too afraid of a human but he still respects his opponent. Robin Hood would pull out all the stops and get one of his flaming arrows ready. Legolas would prepare to use his speed and accuracy on Robin Hood. I feel Robin Hood would be worried about not getting his shot off first, and he wouldn't, Legolas would shoot at Robin Hood but Robin's blazing projectile would split Legolas' arrow in two, but the problem was, Legolas would have shot two arrows at one time. One would be split by Robin's fire arrow but the second one would find its target, Robin Hood's heart. In a quick motion this match would be over and legolas would remain standing.

 WINNER, AND BEST FICTIONAL ARCHER OF ALL TIME, LEGOLAS GREENLEAF.

Well there you have it! The best and most famous archers of all time in an epic show down that can only have one winner! Thanks, and hope you enjoyed reading about my fake made up archery contest!

THE SAINT VALENTINE'S DAY MASSACRE short story by Andrew Lucas

It was Valentine's Day in a break room of an office. A group of men sat around the tables.

They came out of the darkness. Like a flash of evil lightning. Flying around the room like demon bats from Hell. We were just a room full of single bachelors unaware of the sneak attack until it was too late. They shot their arrows into us with the pin point precision of a writer dotting his "i's." They struck our hearts one at a time until no one was left to shoot. No one was spared. They never missed their targets, even with their crazy dive-bombing flying acrobatics. They were humming around the ceiling like a swarm of bees and it rang in our ears as they took wildly erratic shots that somehow always found their targets. It was too easy for them as they shot between their legs, over their shoulders, behind their backs, over their heads, and two even did a no look arrow pass which ended up dead center in someone's heart. They would scream out, "BULLSEYE!" in their horrid tiny little voices, right after every shot.

They were hard to see because of how fast and crazy their flying was but if I could describe these pint-sized spawn of Satan, I would say they were all little fat baby-like monsters with red glowing eyes and curly blond hair. They were smooth and pink all over with rosy red cheeks and had white feathered wings. They wore slings of arrows on their backs and carried their bows in one hand as the other chubby hand fed it with those deadly red missiles of doom. Sure they were cute but then they'd smile and show you their pointed teeth and they'd laugh an awful spine tingling chilling laugh that would make the hair stand up on the back of your neck. I have no idea how those single crotch leaves stayed in place and I didn't want to find out.

The sound of swift flying arrows cutting the air coming before a sharp twang caused panic and great fear. We scrambled around the room looking for protection but no one was safe. The scared and confused men were bumping into each other and fighting for hiding places. Sometimes one of the mini-spears of death would wiz by your head and your first thought was, "Oh thank God, they missed me," but then we would realize the arrow was meant for somebody behind us because these naked suckers didn't miss...ever.

We couldn't out run them either. Those of us that got down and hid under tables and desks were not forgotten, maybe it bought a few more seconds but in the end no one escaped. The Cupids would swoop down and pick up a table while two others would fly in and shoot the poor helpless victim. Sometimes they would just smash the table with their baby fists. In that brief fleeting second as if time stopped, through the shattered wood you'd see the child-like face of pure evil but then two arrows would sail into your eyes, for if you looked upon the devil babies, it would be the last thing you saw.

You could try to bargain with them, you could plead for your pathetic life, you could beg for mercy, but resistance was futile, for they would not listen, they would not be persuaded. Petrified yells were quickly silenced by the sharp sting of our dart pierced hearts. A loving feeling of warmth and happiness engulfed your soul and filled it like a wine glass. It was the worst thing imaginable. 

Soon the room was silent and the little terrors were done with their mission. Their objection was complete. A fluttering sound of beating wings and they were out the window without a trace.

Now we all sit here on the floor in the aftermath. Completely, hopelessly in love.

THE LIFE OF MY PHONE, A DROID X2

The Motorola Droid X2, a wonderful phone launched May 26th 2011 as a successor to the Droid X. I got this phone the week it came out and here we are almost 4 years later. Yes, 4 years later. I've had the same phone for 4 years and as we know in the life of a smartphone, 4 years is well....ancient.

The Droid X2 was my first smartphone and it was the top of the line when it was released. I wanted the newest possible phone on the market so it could last the longest. Although my Droid X2 still works, it is on life support and does not function well.

I lovingly named the voice on my phone, "Gertrude," and I will say the GPS on Gertrude has saved me many times and was rarely ever wrong. Even in areas with new roads she always came through and got me to where I needed to go.

Gertrude came from Verizon with 8 GB SD card and 8 GB Flash memory for storage. 4 years later and I still have plenty of room although the speed has decreased by a lot. The Droid X2 weighs in at 155 g, or 5.5 oz, which always felt heavy to me and is a brick compared to the newest phones on the market of today. It's very thin or at least, WAS very thin by today's standards. I always thought it was rather large, especially when in my pocket. Most phones today are at least this size if not larger.

Sadly the Droid X2 didn't live up to the upgrades of the original Droid X, which hadn't lived up to the expectations of Android users anyway. Fans of the original Droid were not happy with the Droid X2 being the successor and just 6 short months later the Droid RAZR took over as the new flagship for the Motorola lineup. Slowly but surely new and better phones came out and my high-powered, fancy, top of the line phone, soon became obsolete. Sure it still works to this day but it is showing its age and it has for the last few years.

Where did this leave the Droid X2? I know that a few months after I bought mine, Verizon went to the 4G network. The Droid X2 didn't have that capability and I have spent the last 4 years living with 3G only. That has been annoying.

I dropped my phone many times, and I had a soft rubber cover that protected it good enough. Once I was getting out of an SUV and it was on my lap, it was flung outside and landed on pavement and was fine. I say the durability was pretty good. I used one screen protector this whole time and its screen never broke.

As time went on it became more and more difficult to download and have apps on Gertrude. Many times they would stop working or mess up my phone if I tried to use them. Some never worked at all, such as Candy Crush. Like a person growing old, Gertrude slowed down and stopped doing the things she had been doing for so long. Often the touch screen will not respond. Calls will be dropped, or the GPS will act up or won't connect. More recently Gertrude will just shut herself off for no reason or when I'm trying to do something. Every day she shows signs of her age.

And so as all good things must come to an end, so too will Gertrude be shut off forever. My new phone will have to take over for Gertrude and, as they often do, become my personal aid, companion, entertainment, and source of all information.

What lies in store for me? A new phone, the Droid Turbo, named Geraldine. A lot has changed in 4 years and believe it or not, Geraldine knows her own name and responds to it. 

BEATNIK POEMS inspired by my Beatnik Phase

Here are some poems I wrote that were inspired by the Beatniks. I imagine most of their poems sounded something like these. Keep in mind that at poetry readings people snapped their fingers to show approval, they didn't clap. Please snap after reading each poem. Also there should be a bongo accompanying these poems.

What's a Beatnik?? Follow this link to the blog I wrote explaining everything Beatnik.
http://andrew-mytwocents.blogspot.com/2013/04/what-is-beatnik-and-why-should-you-care.html

Wall Street Monsters

The cold wind of corporate America blows
and kills the flowers of my freedom.
"The Man" pollutes the river of dreams
and turns plentiful hopes into endangered thoughts.
You use the colors of your soul, grey and black
to paint over my heart with hypocrite paint.
The only thing you don't own is my soul,
and you can't tax what you don't own.

*snaps fingers*



Clothes Are A Prison

I won't be confined!
I won't be conformed!
Keep your prison!
Let me be free!
Clothes are a prison!
I'll wear what I want,
and what I want are my
own clothes!
I'll make my own clothes
out of wheat grass,
but only after it dies
of natural causes because
I won't kill a living being.


*snaps fingers*

Conform if you must...

I refuse to wear deodorant.
I refuse to shower.
I refuse to get a job.
I refuse to pay taxes.
I refuse to pay for goods and services.
I refuse to be a part of society.
I refuse to eat food.
I refuse to drink water.
I refuse to breathe air.

*snaps fingers*


The State of the Union

Corporate Juggernaut, oh I think not!
Free enterprise, won't fool these eyes!
Goatee, go free, hypocracy.
Stereotype zombie, seen wearing Abercrombie.
What craves, these mindless slaves?
Hear the lies, as nature dies!
Highs and lows, step on my toes!

*snaps fingers*


Beatnik Paradise (Greenwich Village)

I wake up, when I feel like it,
and I put on my turtle neck and leggings.
I look into water because I refuse to own a mirror.
I don't comb my hair because it is being free
and living how it wants to live.
I put on my beret and sunglasses.
I make sure my goatee is looking especially Beatnik-ish.
I walk out of my apartment into the oasis of
New York City that is,
a Beatnik's paradise, Greenwich Village.
I head to the local coffee house to hear poetry.
They all know my name there and I know theirs, but
I refuse to use them because you can't own a name man.
I listen to the poetry and I snap for their effort.
I say, pass the bongos Daddy-O and I help the others.
I know the man wants me to get a job, and make a living,
but that's not living for the Beat Generation.
It's death.
I can not die as long as I live in a Beatnik's paradise.

*snaps fingers*


Downtown Coolsville On A Saturday Night

Focus your audio my Gin Mill Cowboys and you will hear a tale.
I went out quail hunting and found a shape in a drape.
I was just a pearl diver with a lead sled but
she was a true hepcat and she knew I was everything plus.
I could tell this bird really knew her groceries.  
We had a large charge and got Dixie fried at a real red onion.
We snapped at some jazz cats and then things got crazy.
She told me to keep my hands above the Mason-Dixon line.
I was out of bread so I used hanging papers and we left.
I felt like she would someday be strutting down
varicose alley, because she was slated for crashville,
yet that night we threw babies out the balcony!
We had a real tickle at some squares.
She was amazing at back seat bingo and she's got ways like a mowing machine for sure.
I was digging her and she was digging me.
The real zonk on the head was when she wanted to
jungle up together to get away from her handcuffs.
Turns out, her Big Daddy was the driver of a Fuzz Rod!
I've got x-ray eyes for these sorts of things
and I had to noodle it out.
The chick knew I was interviewing my brain so she left me alone.
Man, she had bright disease, she was a cube in my orbs
and I would have paid a yard to get rid of her.
I had to cherry tree and told her
 I had a plucked chicken waiting at home for me.
She said she was hip to me
and would head back to her wasteland.
She told me the night had been a groove and the ginchiest
but she was going to fall out. And that was The End.

*snaps fingers*

ORCHID UPDATES: FLOWER SPIKES

After my original "Manager's Special" I went and picked up 3 more "dead" orchid's to try and revive them. I showed you already how they grew new leaves and started to sprout roots. Well now each of them is growing a new flower spike which will soon grow buds and bloom into flowers. I also bought another manager's special from the same place the original one came from. The other 3 are from Lowe's bargain rack of dead plants.

The most exciting part is that I have no clue what color these flowers will be because they didn't have flowers when I got them. I will know soon enough and post another update.

 This little guy (above) grew some huge leaves then some long air roots and then this tiny new flower spike appeared. It is the smallest flower spike out of them all but this one grew the biggest leaves.

 This guy has a nice long flower spike but a ton of air roots on the other side. It looks like a mullet. The top two leaves were also grown after I bought this one. 

 This one has the longest flower spike and many new roots, including one that came out of the hole in the bottom of the pot and has grown up the side. You can even see where the tiny buds will start to form on the flower spike. 

This was the one I bought from the same place my original "Manager's Special" was bought. As you can see, it has a nice long flower stem and many new air roots. It only grew one new leaf since I had it but it was never in the terrible shape the others were. I think the big tear in its one leaf is why they marked it down so much. It also didn't have flowers on it but it did have a flower spike. I won't know what color of flowers it has until they bloom. 

And here's the newest bloom on my original orchid, the Manager's Special. Left for dead and marked down just to get rid of it. Looks ok to me.....

So there you have it, the update on my 4 saved orchids. The most surprising thing is that as I nursed them back to health they all went in the same direction. First they started to grow new leaves. Next they started to grow new roots and then air roots. Last, they started to sprout these new flower spikes. That isn't as surprising to me as the fact that they all did it at the same exact time. I thought some of them would take their time or whatever but as you can see, they all grew the same things at the same time, including new flower spikes as if they all were on the same timer. Odd how plants and nature can be sometimes.

Remember, plants will tell you what they need...you just have to know how to listen. If you do, you might just hear one say, "Thank you!" I would say these 4 new flower spikes on these 4 different orchids will be my, "thank you," but that's just my two cents.

One of my favorite shows: TODAY'S SPECIAL

In Alaska we got a lot of Canadian programing back before cable was huge and before satellite dish companies were options. One of the Canadian shows we got was Today's Special. This was a great show for children and Nickelodeon ran it for many years back in the 80's.

Today's Special was all about a department store's children's department. It focused on the night staff that worked there, the store was always empty because it was night time. A mannequin named, Jeff, was brought to life with a magic hat and some magic words. By day he was in store windows but at night he would come alive and learn about the world from Jodie who did the displays at night, the old night watchman  Sam, and the resident mouse, Muffy. Sam and Muffy were puppets but Jeff and Jodie were real people. The only condition of Jeff's magic was, he could NEVER leave the store and if his hat came off, he became his mannequin form. The magic words to bring Jeff to life were, Hocus, Pocus, Alimagocus.

Each day focused on a new topic. It helped that the characters were always teaching Jeff things because he had the mind of a child, but children at home related to that. Another character was Sam's computer that ran the store, TXL Series 4 Computer. She announced everything on the show but in scenes where Sam would talk to her, she was a normal character. She almost always ended up nagging Sam until he unplugged her just to shut her up, then he would laugh.

Jodie
Jodie was the main character. Jodie worked at the store after it had closed for the night. She was nice and calm and very smart. She was very patient and kind and had a great positive outlook on all of the situations. Jodie was constantly teaching life lessons to Jeff and was always understanding when he didn't understand something. After typing that all out I guess she was to model what a mother should be.

Jeff
Jeff was the mannequin that was brought to life in the first episode by a magician named Waldo the Magnificent. Jeff knew very little in the beginning and had to learn everything as if he was a child. If he ever leaves the store he will permanently be a mannequin forever. Jeff was an amazing dancer and danced in every episode. I THINK, I think because something happened with extra magic going to Jeff's feet instead of his head in the first episode or something like that, I haven't watched this show in over 25 years so please excuse my memory. Jeff was great and all the characters broke the 4th wall, especially Jeff. He was played by actor Jeff Hyslop and I found him on Facebook but HE STILL HASN'T ACCEPTED MY FRIEND REQUEST.

Sam
Sam Crenshaw was a puppet but he had an actual live cat named Penelope. Sam was old and knew about Jeff and helped to teach him. He was very understanding but he could be stubborn at times. He ran the store's security system through his TXL series 4 computer. He was very grandfather-like, not only in appearance but in his actions. He often spoke of the old days and used to be a marine.

Muffy
Muffy the mouse was another puppet on the show. She lived in the store and was always trying to play tricks on people. She was obsessed with cheese and she freaked out when somebody would mention a cat. She also only spoke in rhyme which was a cool touch. Muffy knew a lot and could help teach Jeff things but she also was portrayed as learning new things along side Jeff. I also noticed that her voice changed as the series went on.

I also always thought Gloria from Under The Umbrella Tree on Disney Channel, looked suspiciously very close to Muffy. Made me think Gloria was a cheap rip off of Muffy, I didn't like her for that and still don't.

I remember a lot from the show, especially the songs and dances that happened in every episode. I'm surprised at how much I still remember learning from this show. Some things I still remember learning are, butterflies live to 2 years old, trees can be indoors as babies, Toronto is a city, exercise keeps you healthy, how green screens work, thinking positively can make a difference, and how the digestive system works.

I can remember going into my mom's room as a 3 year old as we were getting ready to move to Pennsylvania from Alaska and I asked, "Mommy, will there be Today's Special in Pennsylvania?" I remember her saying she didn't know and that upset me. That's how much I enjoyed the show though. Many, many months later we got cable after moving across the country and I was watching Nickelodeon and they said, "Coming up next is, Today's Special." I got up from the couch and went running to find my mom to tell her the wonderful news.

There aren't shows like this on TV anymore that's for sure. A lot try to be informative and educational but they just seem so much slower and more boring. Today's Special had lessons, music, dancing, and puppets, everything you want in a show as a kid but that's just my two cents.  
 

HONORING A RETIRING ELF FROM SANTA'S WORKSHOP

We are gathered here today to honor an elf we all know and love. He has served Santa well for these past 98 years but the time has come for him to hang up his curly toed shoes and pointy hat. The workshop and Santa's plantation won't quite be the same without him but every good elf that isn't worked to death has to retire. So Drill Bit, this is your life!

Drill Bit was born in Rivendell but was never interested in perusing a career in archery like his father. Drill Bit knew he wasn't a cool warrior type elf, he was more of the toy maker elf. He couldn't get into Elf Law School so he went to Elf State University and majored in, "Wooden Train Making Studies," with a minor in Exterior Lighting. He barely managed to pass the Elf Boards but with a little help from his check book, he was able to pass all of his classes with flying colors! Those colors being red and green of course. College for Drill Bit wasn't all fun and drinking, he also was a prolific dater of female elves. Some of his former elf girlfriends were, Holly, Merry, Candy, and Noel. None of these could compare in beauty to Drill Bit's true love, Miss Eltoe. They didn't attend the same college though and Drill Bit had to put aside his animosity of the hated rival school, "Elf A&M," just so he could date her.

Drill Bit and Eltoe got married in the traditional elf way, by jumping the broom, and soon they heard the pitter patter of little footsteps in their home. They were being robbed by an elf. Feeling they needed a change, they moved to the North Pole to find work. At the time wooden trains were in high demand and Drill Bit found he was as useful as a Double A battery. In just 25 years he became head of the toy train department at Santa's workshop. Eltoe started out in wrapping but eventually got a job in the Claus home serving Mrs. Claus her evening cup of hot cocoa mixed with whiskey.

Sadly, no child has asked for a wooden train in the past 60 years and in fact wooden toy production as a whole has dropped to nearly zero in that time. Santa, being the thinker he is, promoted Drill Bit to overseer and put most of the other elves to work in electronics. Many of us have felt the sting of, "Driver," Drill Bit's enchanted whip! Drill Bit really loved his work, and we all have the scars to prove it! Toy production went up by 2% in his first year because of how handy he was with his bull whip. I can remember a time when I stopped working to get a drink of water and he gave me a whipping so bad that I made Frosty the Snowman spoon with me every night for a week due to the pain and swelling.

In his time here at Santa's workshop, Drill Bit has managed to add some impressive achievements to his resume. Drill Bit was the first one to suggest the 12 hour work day. He was also the first to suggest the elimination of lunch and limit bathroom breaks to one a day. Drill Bit joined the union but felt they were being too hard on Santa and helped to lower wages for all elves. Who could forget the Elf Help book he wrote entitled, "Why Are You Reading This Instead Of Working??" Truly when it came to making this a backbreaking labor of love, Drill Bit was unparalleled in effort.

All good things must come to an end though and our elf union says you can only work for 100 years before you have to retire and of course we know Drill Bit still had 2 more years to go but that time was cut short, just like his arms. Drill Bit, much like Mrs. Claus, liked eggnog to an unhealthy level and one night he tried to take the sleigh out for a ride on his own. He got caught in the reins and was dragged for several miles but luckily his arms tore off. Without the use of his arms to whip the other elves, Drill Bit's deadly, dreaded whip was useless, and so was he.

So today we congratulate you Mr. Bit on your retirement! We hope you enjoy your golden years with your wife. I speak for everybody when I say we will miss your constant cruelty of yelling and belittling us. Santa's workshop will never be the same without you! Every time an Elf is mistreated we will remember you Drill Bit! Now as Drill Bit would scream, let's get back to work and this speech just used up today's bathroom break.

7 CHRISTMAS SONGS THAT AREN'T CHRISTMAS SONGS

Most of the songs we hear this time of year aren't even Christmas songs even though that's what we call them. A lot of them are only heard this time of year so we group them as Christmas songs but in reality, some were written for different holidays completely!

I consider a Christmas song to have the word, "Christmas," in it, or mention the birth of Christ in some way, Santa Claus, or the word, "holiday."

1. JINGLE BELLS
Oh no! What? Not Jingle Bells! The most recognizable Christmas song of all time surely MUST be a Christmas song! The tune even appears in other Christmas songs! Sorry, "Jingle Bells" has nothing to do with Christmas. It never mentions Christmas, Jesus, or any holiday to be honest. Jingle Bells or "One Horse Open Sleigh," as it was originally called, was written by Lord James Pierpont and first played on Thanksgiving. He played it for his church and it was so well liked by the parishioners that they requested it to be played again for Christmas that year. It has been played every Christmas ever since. 

 2. JINGLE BELL ROCK
Sticking with the jingle bell idea, "Jingle Bell Rock," which I personally believe to be a cheap knock off of Jingle Bells only composed to ride the coat tails of the more popular song, is a very famous Christmas song. HOWEVER, not once does it mention Christmas, Jesus, or a holiday. This makes the song about riding in a horse driven sleigh and NOT Christmas.

3. WINTER WONDERLAND
Go shopping this time of year and you WILL hear this song. I think it is the most played song in stores in the month of December and there are so many versions of it, it's very possible to hear it 10 times without hearing the same one twice. In fact, it has been recorded over 200 times by various artists since 1934. Yet, this famous Christmas song, only played this time of year, has absolutely nothing to do with the holiday of Christmas. It's about a couple enjoying the snow and nothing more. I love this song, one of my favorites for sure but it's not about Christmas.

4. CAROL OF THE BELLS
You may not know the name of this song but you sure know it when you hear it. A very popular Christmas song that actually is about a different holiday. I understand the lyrics say, "Christmas," in them BUT the lyrics came much later after the song had gained popularity. This song was a Ukrainian folk song about the coming of the New Year long before anyone ever grouped it with Christmas music.

5. SLEIGH RIDE
The third song about riding in a sleigh that has nothing to do with Christmas! Sure it is played only at Christmas time and again, I love this song, but it never mentions Christmas, a holiday, or Jesus. It does however mention a birthday party which is the closest thing yet to a holiday in any of these songs. Sleigh Ride is a wonderful song about taking a ride in a horse drawn sleigh during the winter months and nothing else. (It was written in July by the way)

6. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Say it isn't so! Is Frosty the Snowman about Christmas?? The answer is.....no. I will say, "hats off," to Gene Autry for writing this in 1950, the year after he wrote Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. That guy is a Christmas song writing machine! Sadly this song isn't about Christmas, it never mentions it or any holiday. The version from the television special we all know and love DOES incorporate Christmas and in those lyrics it changes the line, "I'll be back again some day," to "I'll be back again on Christmas day." The original song and lyrics however, even though written for Christmas, never mention the holiday.

7. LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW!
Yes it has to be said 3 times in its title but no matter how many times it is said, it is NOT about Christmas. Written in 1945 during a heat wave this song quickly became a Christmas time classic although Christmas is not mentioned, nor Jesus, nor a holiday. It is simply about a couple enjoying their time together as it snows outside. It's a great song, I love it, it's just not about Christmas.


Well I hope that wasn't too damaging for you. Was your favorite Christmas song on this list? If it was, sad to say, you now know, it isn't a Christmas song. That doesn't mean we can't keep on living the lie though, so go ahead and enjoy these, "Christmas" songs!