Thursday, March 20, 2014


Archeologists have uncovered a never before seen log of William Bradford from the first year at famous Plymouth settlement. It tells of the pilgrim's hardships and their encounter with the legendary Bigfoot, proving that Bigfoot exists and that he helped to colonize early America!

November 26, 1621

 We thank God that we have made it here a year and we  plan to have a big celebration with our native friends. It was the idea of a man that calls himself Bigfoot, he claims to have come from England with us but no one remembers seeing him on the Mayflower. He is a hairy individual and has a foul smell that causes us to rub human feces under our noses to relieve us of his odor. Bigfoot says the celebration should be in his honor but we have decided to honor God and thank him for thy bountiful harvest! It was unanimously decided to NOT invite Bigfoot.

November 27, 1621

Bigfoot showed up to our feast and began to pound on the tables demanding food. We told him we would pray to God first and thank him for the food we were about to receive but Bigfoot exclaimed the Gods wouldn't be mad at him if he ate first and that they suggest we all worship him. Outraged by his blasphemous statement, we ordered him to leave at once. He stood up and flipped the table, ruining dinner for all of us. As he walked away he kicked a turkey.

November 28, 1621

Our festivities continue and Bigfoot encouraged us to play a game he invented called Bigfoot Ball. He tore the skin off of our prized hog to make an odd shaped ball. He then divided us into teams and said the game was against the Redskins and New England. He said Bigfoot ball should be played every Giving Thanks Day. We all agree that we will never do this again.  From what we can tell it is just a game invented so he can hit us hard and push us on the ground and run over us. He seems to make up the rules as he goes, there is no way anyone can beat Bigfoot at his own stupid game. 

Bigfoot got angry when he lost the game. Bigfoot, in his rage, picked up the actual Plymouth rock and threw it on some of our pilgrims. He then laughed and stated that we didn't land on Plymouth rock, Plymouth rock landed on us.

November 29 1621 

I have asked Bigfoot to leave our colony. He became very upset and told us that this is exactly why the white man shall never amount to anything in this country and that the Indians here have a long bright future ahead of them. Massasoit, the Native American chief told him he wasn't allowed to join their tribe either. Bigfoot then told the Indians he hopes they get wiped out.  He also called us unoriginal stating that we can't name anything without stealing it first or just adding the word NEW to it. None of us had a good comeback.

November 30, 1621

We were wrong about that Bigfoot fellow. He is a God send. Last night we heard loud noises coming from the edge of the woods, we assumed Bigfoot was just trying to be annoying. Later Bigfoot explained that the noises we heard were from him fighting off 100 hostile Indians single handed that had come to slaughter us and destroy our town. He said he fought them off and risked his own life just to protect our settlement, even though he knows we hate him. He then said there would be no bodies of dead Indians because he dragged them far into the woods as not to attract animals. He also said there wasn't a scratch on him from the fierce battle because he was just that awesome at fighting. The people thanked him and cheered as he said he was now running for King of Plymouth.

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