December 20, 1804
We have made friends with a local Shoshone woman named Sacagawea, she has pledged her aid to our expedition. Her hairy husband is not as friendly, he calls himself Bigfoot. He does not appear to be an Indian like Sacagawea, in fact it is uncertain what kind of man he truly is, other than disgusting and vile. Bigfoot's offensive odor can best be described as the very bottom of the deepest out-house. He claims he married Sacagawea after her first husband, a French-Canadian fur trapper, was found dead from apparently repeatedly falling onto a tomahawk. This Bigfoot man has agreed to accompany us in our Journey and although we strongly urged him to stay behind with his pregnant Indian wife, he told us, "she'd be fine to travel across the country while barefoot and pregnant."
January 9, 1805
Sacagawea went into labor. Bigfoot started to say it wasn't his and he had never seen Sacagawea before in his life. Bigfoot got distracted from the labor once he smelled our food cooking. Bigfoot ate all of it and demanded more but we explained he has eaten all of our food supply for the entire trip. Bigfoot said he would never apologize for being an emotional eater. The only thing we saved was milk for the new baby, Bigfoot drank it all and then commented that he has had better. He claimed he was testing it for poison because he cared about the new baby's safety and he was a hero for it.
April 13, 1805
Bigfoot has decided to lead our expedition even though we all told him no. Bigfoot made a strong argument to the others that a man with a sissy name such as Meriweather, could never be a good leader. We voted and I lost by one vote. Bigfoot said the baby gets a vote and he knew the baby would vote for him. We have been lost for weeks now and saw a sign for Washington D.C. When seeing the sign, Bigfoot said he knows where we are now and just had to get his barrings. He then turned around and headed back the way we had just come.
July 3, 1806
Clark and I have decided to split the corps in two so we can explore the continental divide and meet up on the other side. We fought for hours over who would have to take Bigfoot with their crew. Clark lost and threw a hissy fit and begged me to take Bigfoot, however I am not a fool and I refuse to take that jerk with me. Bigfoot also began calling this the, "Bigfoot and Lewis and Clark Expedition." This greatly upsets Clark and they have had many arguments over this topic. One ended with Bigfoot running off crying into the woods. The next day Clark's horse was mysteriously found dead. Bigfoot laughed and told Clark it was really going to suck having to walk the rest of the way.
August 11, 1806
We have met up with Clark's half of the group at the Yellowstone river but my dear friend Clark is not with them. Bigfoot said they had some technical difficulties. Bigfoot had a hard time recalling exactly what happened and who Clark even was. I am sorry that I have lost my dear friend and a fine soldier in William Clark. Suspiciously, Bigfoot said, "Can we be called Bigfoot and Lewis, now that Clark has been killed in his sleep by a big rock.....or however it was he died that I obviously
don't know anything about or am responsible for."
August 12, 1806
I have been wounded. Bigfoot went out hunting saying we needed more Elk meat because he was all out of jerky. He shot me right in the ass! He did apologize for mistaking me for an elk but then made an insensitive joke about going out to shoot an elk but only being able to shoot a jackass. I sincerely dislike this Bigfoot person.
March 22, 1807
Success! We have finally reached the Pacific Ocean! Bigfoot can finally stop his daily question of, "Are we there yet?" When we reached our destination Bigfoot began to claim everything as his own. He said we were standing in the state of Califorifoot and in Orange County, and we were looking at the Bigfoot Ocean. He then said there was a visitor's tax. We will head home tomorrow but I can't imagine the return trip with this idiot. Then I realized, I had forgotten all about Sacagawea and asked Bigfoot whatever happened to her and her baby. Bigfoot's eyes got huge and he just shrugged his shoulders.