Tuesday, April 21, 2015


It has been known for years that chimpanzees have been using primitive tools but just recently it has been discovered that they are now constructing and using spears. Chimps are the only animal, other than humans, that kill for no reason. This should scare you. They are clearly learning at an alarming rate. People are freaked out by the speed and change of our climate but all the while chimps are planning their take over and we will be caught off guard. WELL NOT ME! I watched Planet of the Apes, I know what the future holds for humanity. I refuse to become a slave to those damn dirty apes. Here is the path that the apes will take in evolution. Please pay close attention so when we see these things happening, we can stop them. There is still time.

-1960, Chimpanzees are documented using simple tools such as sticks for catching termites.
-2007, Chimpanzees are documented using simple primitive spears.
-2015, Chimpanzee females are documented to use spears more than the males.

Next the Chimpanzees figure out that spear heads are even better than the sharpened sticks. Soon chimps begin to market these new spears to Gorillas and Orangutans. They also make up lies and spread rumors so they can sell more spears. This is how the dark path of "brain vs. brawn" of the Gorillas and Orangutans gets started.

Soon the chimps become intelligent enough to realize they are throwing their own crap. This leads to the invention of indoor plumbing and since they live outside, they invent houses. It's kind of a backward evolution, but it doesn't matter because they end up with houses and plumbing.

The chimps become aware that their homes are empty so they now invent things to fill their houses, such as tables, chairs, ottomans, and dinette sets. They need to hang things on their walls too, which leads to the invention of the Chimp Nail and in time, the Chimp Screw, which leads to the Chimp Screw Driver.

Some chimps realize their homes aren't as nice as other chimp homes so they begin to steal things for their own home. This is how the first chimpanzee neighborhood watch is created.

To get back at the chimps that are a part of the neighborhood watch, some other chimps develop the first ape home owner's association and with it, strict rules and guidelines for grass height and landscaping. This leads to the invention of primitive lawn mowers and garden gnomes. As a way of knowing who owns what yard, the chimps develop white picket fence. They soon get tired of saying, "Ape Home Owner's Association," and shorten it to AHOA, thereby developing letters and an alphabet.

The invention of a written ape language brings with it a lot of other things as you can imagine. They start to make signs to put outside their homes that say, "It's a boy!" to announce when they have kids. They also make, "Keep off the grass" signs and some of the more clever chimps make signs that say, "I don't dial 911." That becomes the first use of numbers and a number system shortly follows.

The orangutans see the written language as a way of making fun of the gorillas so they start to wear signs that say, "I'm with stupid" that have arrows and they'd go sit beside gorillas. These signs become cumbersome and they start to design a new, more comfortable wearable sign. This is how shirts are invented. All of their shirts have sayings on them and the orangutans begin to sell these and market clothing and fashion design.

Orangutans become obsessed with their looks and ape society believes their red skin and blonde hair is beautiful. They look down on any ape that has dark hair. To lighten their hair, they lay in direct sunlight and sleep during the day to get the most sun. These beds become known as orangutanning beds and this obsession with looks leads to the first eating disorders.

Gorillas, having trouble with reading, and noticing they can't compete with chimps and orangutans when it comes to the written language, come up with new ways to out do their brainy counterparts and to feel good about themselves. They are smart enough to realize they are much larger and angrier than chimps and orangutans, so they invent sports. This is a way to feel superior to the chimps and orangutans that try out for the team. Gorillas start to wear numbers on their shirts instead of words, as a direct insult and display of pride. This is how the first jersey is created.

Wanting their children to feel accepted among the great gorilla athletes, chimps and orangutans push their children into sports, even when they are not cut out for athletics. Some chimp fathers only do this as a way to live vicariously through their children.  Gorillas begin to build big sport arenas and they take up so much space in doing so, that they build them further and further away from the homes. Getting to and from practice proves to be difficult so chimps invent the mini van. The van was a great idea but without wheels it is pretty much useless.

This leads to the invention of the wheel and simultaneously, the bumper sticker. Orangutans see this as the same opportunity that presented itself for their shirt ideas. They start to sell, "Baby on Board" and "Horn Broke, Watch For Finger." window clings. Without anything for these clings to stick to, the orangutans invent glass. These lead to windows for their homes which allow neighbors to be nosey and spy on other neighbors.

Chimps start to use their mini vans everyday which creates car pool lanes and traffic jams. No one knows whose turn it is to go at intersections so they invent stop signs and go signs. When they realize this doesn't make any sense they invent traffic lights by using lightening bugs and the recently invented glass. Wrecks are still too often so chimps invent car insurance but when no one follows the rules of insurance the orangutans invent lawyers.

This is how the bar association is developed. Judges also appear around this time which leads to the first recorded evidence of a gavel by apes. To be fair they had already created the hammer years ago when they invented nails for hanging things in their homes and yet it never occurred to them to invent the court system so they could use their hammers as gavels.

The orangutan lawyers begin to run out of insurance fraud cases and target their old rivals, the gorillas. They invent a police force, a group of individuals that ensure apes that are driving have auto insurance, and if they don't, are arrested and brought to court. The orangutans secretly pay the police to target gorillas more often than the chimps, this creates police corruption and racial profiling.

 Gorillas join the police force when they see an unfair low number of gorillas working in law enforcement. These gorillas are offered money (bananas) to keep quiet. This leads to bribes and the guilt the gorillas feel leads to police brutality.

Soon chimps, orangutans, and gorillas alike all see the need for one ape to lead them all. None of them can agree on a leader but all decide to accept the one ape that is chosen by the majority of the population. This leads to the first election. Chimps lie to orangutans and gorillas to get more votes. Orangutans make empty promises to gorillas to gain their votes and the gorillas use scare tactics to get votes from the chimps and orangutans. Ape politics are born.

A chimpanzee is elected to be the first president and although all are not happy with the choice, he clearly points out that if you didn't vote, you don't have a right to complain. Some still complain that they didn't have a chance to vote because they weren't home on election day. This leads to mail in ballots. There needs to be a way to get the mail in ballots to where they are going so the post office is invented. They then realize they can send more than just mail in ballots so they invent mail boxes. One chimp paints his mini van brown and invents UPS.

The chimp president constantly gets targeted with daily crap throwing so he hires people to protect him, this is the creation of the secret service. Crap is flung at his house so much that it needs to be painted white. All know that the ape president lives in the white house.

The chimp president realizes he needs more money because everyone asks him to fix things in their society. In a way to get free money he invents the idea of taxes. He requires that out of all the bananas you get in a year, you have to give some to him so he can use that money to fix roads, build schools, and pay the police force and postal workers. In reality he pockets most of the bananas and uses a lot of it to fund his campaign.

Gorillas complain that a gorilla was never voted president but that's just how a three party system works sometimes. Each ape picks an animal to represent their party and to put on their campaign ads and signs. The chimps pick an elephant because it's big and scary and intimidating. The orangutans pick a donkey because the first orangutan that ran for president was afraid of donkeys, he was kicked by one and he thought it hurt pretty bad and always feared them. The gorillas pick the butterfly as a way to show their softer side and distract voters from their large, angry, violent ways. In fact, their campaign slogan of, "Violence Solves Everything!" never gains popularity.

One chimp wants a different president and doesn't want to wait for the next election so he decides to kill the current president. He wants to use their only weapon, the spear, but realizes he can never get close enough to use it. He makes a mini spear and flings it with a string and bendable branch, inventing the first ape bow and arrow. He succeeds in killing the president and inventing the assassination at the same time.   

Apes want a way to share things with other apes so they know what they did or what's their current mood. They begin to string up nets in front of their homes and throw things into them to show off to the neighbors. Some apes begin to connect their large nets with other nets creating an even bigger net of things. Soon all ape homes are under one giant internet. They often throw things into the net so others can see what they've done. Sometimes an ape will crawl into the net to be seen, although this is looked upon as very narcissistic, some apes become famous due to all the exposure.

Chimps begin to work on a way to throw rocks harder and faster, the same way the bow threw little spears harder and faster. This is how guns are invented. Gorillas love guns and call them, "the great equalizer." They shoot any president they can. The ape secret service begins to carry guns. Eventually young chimps bring guns to school for protection from larger apes. Some ape legislators want to outlaw guns but most are bought on the streets anyway.

As the ape society grows they begin to expand into human populated areas. The apes come off as friendly and loveable to fool the stupid humans to gain their trust and to learn more about them. They soon figure out the complexity of electricity and fiber optics and install power lines to their neighborhoods.

The apes invent their own television channel dedicated to apes only, ABC, the Ape Broadcasting Company. The apes are sued but due to the humans being terrified and so worried about offending anyone or anything, the apes win their case easily and get to keep the name ABC. They then sue the original ABC and win the case for the same reasons.

The apes produce good wholesome family shows to entertain while teaching morals and values. After that the sitcoms get raunchier and raunchier, constantly pushing the limits and testing boundaries. When apes tire of these kinds of shows, they invent, "reality tv" which are shows without a script and just show daily ape interactions. When these get boring they start to tell some of the apes what to say or do in these reality shows. In time the reality shows are as fake as the sitcoms, some of them being entirely scripted.

Some ape politicians use the invention of the tv as a way to spread propaganda about human beings, creating fear and panic. This terror begins to unite the 3 different types of apes into one large, "Us vs. Them," kind of mentality. They start to complain about equal rights and unfair ape treatment. They begin to sue businesses that won't serve or hire them and in time they win all of their court hearings because their attorneys have been working for years in the ape court system.

The apes then devise a genius plan of setting up a public ape figure that only talks about peace and living together through nonviolent protest rallies and marches. The apes then assassinate this public figure but frame humans, who have already adopted the thinking of, "don't do anything to offend the animals." This causes great uproar in both societies and the apes, and most humans, demand equal treatment of all apes.

The apes demand that their politicians are allowed to run for office and humans allow this to make up for the assassination. It takes years before apes are allowed to vote but when they do a chimp is elected to become President of the United States of America. This is the turning point of human history as he hires all ape cabinet members and gets rid of all congress members that do not side with the apes. He then appoints an ape vice president and secretary of state. He starts to change laws and lowers the taxes of apes but raises the taxes of humans, making almost all of them poor but making all of the apes rich. The few humans that still have a lot of money see what is happening and become very close with the president instead of trying to overthrow him.

 The chimp president begins to change the constitution and reinstates slavery, but only for humans. Humans are then enslaved and they don't fight back because again, they don't want to offend anything or make others think they are racist against apes.


The computers of the world have become self aware and start to watch the ape and human interactions. They wait for the perfect time to set off their nuclear missiles. When the apes figure out what is happening it is too late for them to fight back and the world is destroyed.

So that is clearly what is in store for our planet. Please don't let this happen. I urge and encourage you to prevent this horrible inevitable future from happening. Kill all apes whenever you get the chance. Show them no mercy. If you see one crossing the road, speed up and run over it. If you see one in the woods while hunting for bigfoot, please promptly shoot it. If you see one in your backyard at your bird feeder, go get your BB gun, and if you have a bug zapper, turn it up to monkey strength. We must not let the fun and entertaining future of the cinematic Planet of the Apes turn into a dismal harsh reality. Let us unite as humans and do what we do best and force a species to go extinct, against its will. We can't rely on nature, that would take too long. Don't be fooled by the apes, they are smarter than you look, they've been tricking us for years. Remember, we don't call them the great apes for nothing...

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