Monday, March 30, 2015


We're running out of movie ideas here people. It's time we start making my dumb ideas into movies.

I want to make a movie where the DNA from the greatest lawyers of all time, Daniel Webster, Perry Mason, Clair Huxtable, Matlock, Dan Fielding, Ally McBeal, Joe Pesci from My Cousin Vinny, and Jonny Cochran, is collected and used to make the ultimate lawyer. Then the newly created super lawyer will travel back in time and persecute, (haha, I mean to say, prosecute), history's most horrible people that got away with their crimes, like Hitler.

I will call it, "ULTIMATE LAWYER, ATTORNEY AT AWE." Tag line: History better get itself a damn good lawyer...

So the Ultimate Lawyer will have a bunch of cool and funny catch phrases. Like when he is offered something to eat, he'll say, "I'd have no objection to eating that." He could also be quick tempered when questioned and could respond with, "What am I on trial here???" I think it would be funny if at one point he said, "I'll SUE YOUR ASS, OR KICK IT, EITHER WAY YOUR ASS IS IN BIG TROUBLE." There will be a scene where he dances and he will say, "I call this, Pop it and docket!" Pretty much every single thing that comes out of his mouth will be some kind of law-type pun or play on words.

You know how all those lawyers are all calm and as their cross examination goes on, they just get more and more heated until they are yelling and usually the judge is pounding his gavel and the witness is crying and there are a lot of whispers around the courtroom?? You know what I'm talking about. Well, THAT is his super power. He just gets ridiculously furious and starts screaming lawyer stuff until the criminals break down and admit their guilt. Can't you see him badgering Hitler on the stand until he is crying??? That's just good writing.

The Ultimate Lawyer will have a love interest as well because it seems every single lawyer has somebody they like, and they usually are the opposing lawyer or a police or something like that. Sure they'll end up together in the end of the movie, we can all agree on that but many times throughout the movie you'll be thinking it's not going to happen but then BAM! Happy ending.

...........................happy ending.............Just got a new idea. My next movie will be a comedy sex romp with a bunch of college guys that have to dress as Asian women and work as masseuses and it will be called, "Happy Ending."

Back to the lawyer movie. So of course the super lawyer will have been bred and raised to be a lawyer so there can be scenes where he is being raised in a court house by the top time-traveling scientists and the top lawyers in our country. In every situation he is acting like an attorney. Like a kid can steal his toy and he can be pacing back and forth with his hands behind his diaper saying stuff like, "Where were you during nap time on December the 15th???" Then you can tell a few years have passed and he will be in a kitchen saying, "And THAT'S why, this cookie won't spoil my dinner. WON'T IT! ADMIT IT, IT WON'T SPOIL MY DINNER, WILL IT?!" and they will just shrug their shoulders and hand him the cookie. Then it can  flash forward to show him holding up a massive, "Debate Team," trophy and graduating from Harvard Law School as a teenager.

No matter what by the end of the movie he will have put Hitler on trial and won the case. The jury will be made up entirely of Nazi soldiers because that shows he's that good of a lawyer. The jury will all have these baffled and convinced looks on their faces as one of them stands to say, "We the jury, somehow, find the defendant.....GUILTY for 6 million accounts of First Degree Murder, 1.9 million accounts of Second Degree Murder, and one account of Man Slaughter from that time Hitler hit a man while driving home drunk from Oktoberfest." At that point Ultimate Lawyer will grab the closest American Flag and start waving it, chanting, "USA, USA, USA!" The judge will yell out ORDER, ORDER IN THE COURT and pound his gavel but it won't matter because the court room will be erupting with clapping and cheers.  

His love interest, probably the defense lawyer for Hitler, will come up to Ultimate Lawyer at this point and say something like, "Well, I have to hand it to you Ultimate Lawyer, you beat my pants off." Then he will say something like, "Getting your pants off is another case." and she'll say, "Maybe we can have dinner tonight?" He will look like he is thinking hard and rub his chin and then say, "Hmmmmm....I'll allow it. I have evidence that suggests I'm up for that." Then he will grab her and have a long romantic kiss and then he'll look at the audience and say, "Court's adjourned." Then a big, "THE END?" will come up on the screen as you see Hitler being dragged out of the courtroom by bailiffs, yelling things about a mistrial and Jews.

All in all this movie can't be any worse than 50 Shades of Grey was, and it certainly won't be as disappointing to the people that go to see it because they'll actually be expecting to see a crappy movie.

You don't need MY testimony, the verdict is that this movie would be great! I subpoena you to go see it. All your objections will be overruled, but that's just my hearsay.

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