Thursday, December 11, 2014


We are gathered here today to honor an elf we all know and love. He has served Santa well for these past 98 years but the time has come for him to hang up his curly toed shoes and pointy hat. The workshop and Santa's plantation won't quite be the same without him but every good elf that isn't worked to death has to retire. So Drill Bit, this is your life!

Drill Bit was born in Rivendell but was never interested in perusing a career in archery like his father. Drill Bit knew he wasn't a cool warrior type elf, he was more of the toy maker elf. He couldn't get into Elf Law School so he went to Elf State University and majored in, "Wooden Train Making Studies," with a minor in Exterior Lighting. He barely managed to pass the Elf Boards but with a little help from his check book, he was able to pass all of his classes with flying colors! Those colors being red and green of course. College for Drill Bit wasn't all fun and drinking, he also was a prolific dater of female elves. Some of his former elf girlfriends were, Holly, Merry, Candy, and Noel. None of these could compare in beauty to Drill Bit's true love, Miss Eltoe. They didn't attend the same college though and Drill Bit had to put aside his animosity of the hated rival school, "Elf A&M," just so he could date her.

Drill Bit and Eltoe got married in the traditional elf way, by jumping the broom, and soon they heard the pitter patter of little footsteps in their home. They were being robbed by an elf. Feeling they needed a change, they moved to the North Pole to find work. At the time wooden trains were in high demand and Drill Bit found he was as useful as a Double A battery. In just 25 years he became head of the toy train department at Santa's workshop. Eltoe started out in wrapping but eventually got a job in the Claus home serving Mrs. Claus her evening cup of hot cocoa mixed with whiskey.

Sadly, no child has asked for a wooden train in the past 60 years and in fact wooden toy production as a whole has dropped to nearly zero in that time. Santa, being the thinker he is, promoted Drill Bit to overseer and put most of the other elves to work in electronics. Many of us have felt the sting of, "Driver," Drill Bit's enchanted whip! Drill Bit really loved his work, and we all have the scars to prove it! Toy production went up by 2% in his first year because of how handy he was with his bull whip. I can remember a time when I stopped working to get a drink of water and he gave me a whipping so bad that I made Frosty the Snowman spoon with me every night for a week due to the pain and swelling.

In his time here at Santa's workshop, Drill Bit has managed to add some impressive achievements to his resume. Drill Bit was the first one to suggest the 12 hour work day. He was also the first to suggest the elimination of lunch and limit bathroom breaks to one a day. Drill Bit joined the union but felt they were being too hard on Santa and helped to lower wages for all elves. Who could forget the Elf Help book he wrote entitled, "Why Are You Reading This Instead Of Working??" Truly when it came to making this a backbreaking labor of love, Drill Bit was unparalleled in effort.

All good things must come to an end though and our elf union says you can only work for 100 years before you have to retire and of course we know Drill Bit still had 2 more years to go but that time was cut short, just like his arms. Drill Bit, much like Mrs. Claus, liked eggnog to an unhealthy level and one night he tried to take the sleigh out for a ride on his own. He got caught in the reins and was dragged for several miles but luckily his arms tore off. Without the use of his arms to whip the other elves, Drill Bit's deadly, dreaded whip was useless, and so was he.

So today we congratulate you Mr. Bit on your retirement! We hope you enjoy your golden years with your wife. I speak for everybody when I say we will miss your constant cruelty of yelling and belittling us. Santa's workshop will never be the same without you! Every time an Elf is mistreated we will remember you Drill Bit! Now as Drill Bit would scream, let's get back to work and this speech just used up today's bathroom break.

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