Thursday, October 16, 2014
BEING A GROOMZILLA
We all know what a, "Bridezilla" is but have you ever heard of a Groomzilla??? Well you're going to. I plan to be the biggest groomzilla the world has ever seen, and that pretty much means I'll be the first. I plan to put all Brides that have ever been called a, "Bridezilla," to shame! Here is what's in store for my groomsmen, a grueling and terrifying around the clock job to be at the beck and call of this self proclaimed Groomzilla. Pay attention to the wedding day itinerary that I have mapped out for the Groom slaves.
January 17, 2015
7:00 am: I must be woken up WITHOUT an alarm clock. I demand that my groomsmen enter my sleeping chamber, (which they will build weeks prior to the wedding) as silent as they can, and then slowly whisper my name, each time getting louder and louder until I wake up. They will then run out and announce to everybody that the Groom has woken after a peaceful nights rest. I demand clapping at this point.
7:01 am: The Best Man must turn up the heat in my room by 3 degrees.
7:04 am: Four of my groomsmen will grasp each corner of my blanket and remove it from me. The heat that had been turned up was so that it would not be too cold on my uncovered body. A groomsman will remove my sleeping cap while two other groomsmen will pull down my silk sleeping gown, having been sewn together the night before. I will then be carried by as many as it takes to my shower of previously collected rain water from the amazon jungle. Before I enter the bathroom the groomsmen will get down on their hands and knees and vigorously rub the tile floor so that the friction heats it up for my feet.
7:05 am: My groomsmen will wash me in the shower using the rainwater and Irish Spring soap, actually from Ireland and not Wal-mart. I don't want this to be awkward so each groomsman must act pleasantly surprised at the sight of my naked body and give me an individual compliment that can not be the same as one of the other compliments. My hair must be shampooed with a combination of the 3 most expensive shampoos from the most expensive hair salon in downtown New York City. After the shower, two groomsmen will dry me off using brand new red velvet towels with my initials stitched in gold, which will be immediately incinerated after I am dry so that no one can ever use these towels again. The 5 groomsmen will then take ancient Japanese fans, from Japan, and fan me for 5 more minutes to give me that, air dry feeling! The fans will also be incinerated after use.
7:20 am: Each groomsman will take a pair of tiny scissors and clip each leg hair and arm hair to the exact same size so that I have uniform hair all over my body. Once this is complete the Best Man will give me a ritual bikini zone waxing because I plan to wear a speedo, and only a speedo, at certain parts of the reception.
7:35 am: My deep tissue masseuse will promptly arrive, IF he is one second late the groomsmen will gang tackle him and give him a warning beating lasting 6 minutes, blunt objects are welcomed. IF he arrives on time he will be shown into my deep tissue massage chamber, (also previously built by the groomsmen) where I will be waiting. The groomsmen will surround the masseuse and watch him so he cannot try anything funny while giving me my massage.
7:50 am: After the massage is complete all 5 of my groomsmen will rub my body down with a mixture of Red Ocher and sheep tail's fat, the same exact mix as Shaka Zulu was rubbed down with every morning.
8:00 am: I will be dressed in a brand new outfit bought by the Best Man from Macy's, the one in New York City, not the mall. My underwear must be ironed and microwaved before the groomsmen put it on me. I will then be led back into my bed so I can have breakfast in bed.
8:05 am: Breakfast will be served to me on a silver platter with one of those cover things. The breakfast will consist of one pound of bacon, a half pound of sausage links, two scrambled eggs and two sunny side up eggs with the yolk just dippy enough for my wheat toast with real butter, a half a glass of orange juice and a half a glass of milk. Each glass must be half FULL not half empty because it is my wedding day and I don't want to be pessimistic. The eggs must be farm fresh eggs collected from chickens that have been lovingly named by the farmer's daughters and only good names like, Henrietta, or Mother Clucker. After the breakfast is complete I shall be presented with a Ring-Necked pheasant egg white omelet that I will not eat but appreciate greatly. There will be no left overs and the groomsmen will lick the plates clean before washing them and then putting them into the dishwasher.
8:35 am: I will now be changed into a golf outfit for my yearly wedding day golf outing. My groomsmen will dress me in stupid golf pants, a pale yellow collard polo shirt, white golf shoes, and a stupid golf visor. One of my groomsmen will then present me with a funny bumper sticker that says, "I would rather be driving a Titleist." We will all laugh and enjoy the joke but I will not put it on my car.
8:45 am: The limo will arrive at precisely 8:45 so that the door is opened for me the second my groomsmen open the front door, allowing me to get into the limo as fast as possible and I will be led with two of my groomsmen holding my hands. Also the limo driver must be a Jim Carrey impersonator playing the role of Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber when he was a limo driver. He will also deliver all the famous lines in perfect comedic timing. IF he is unsatisfactory to me the groomsmen will call in the stand-by alternate Jim Carrey impersonator to replace the first.
9:30 am: We will arrive at the golf course and my groomsmen will open the door for me and bow as I step out of the limo. They should have already placed a red carpet and paid some fake paparazzi to act like I'm a big deal. As I walk into the country club I will act pissed at all the flash photography and I will make rude comments to them saying stuff like, "get a real job," and, "I just want to live my life without you people hounding me all damn day."
9:44 am: Our Tee time will be set for 9:44 because 9 plus 4 plus 4 is 17, which is the date of my wedding. The Best Man will pay the starter to compliment me on my golf swing, even when I miss the ball completely a few times before hitting it out of bounds. I also want him to say something bad about Tiger Woods, this will be his choice and harshness of comment will be based on how much the Best Man has compensated him. During the golf game that I will end up winning because the groomsmen will throw the game for me, they will clap every time I hit the ball and cheer every time I make a putt. I also demand that every time the ball is in the air, they start yelling excitedly while making outlandish remarks that it is going to be a hole in one.
11:30 am: After the golf game the groomsmen will treat me to a congratulatory drink in the clubhouse and tell me how they each played the best game of their lives but it was no match for my playing. I also want shaking of their heads and looks of utter disappointment and embarrassment. The Best Man will then buy me lunch in the clubhouse. The light lunch will consist of a BLT, with Vermont cheddar cheese and pickles on the side, Arnold Palmer half and half ice tea lemonade, delivered by Robert Palmer on a silver platter, and a side of apple wood smoked bacon. The apple wood must be several 100 years old and be from an apple tree planted by Jonny Appleseed himself. On the limo ride back to the house the groomsmen will continue to shake their heads in disbelief on the amazing game I just played, commenting often about how shocking it was and how badly they were beaten.
1:35 pm: We will arrive back at the house and the groomsmen will surround me as I get out of the limo and make my way to the front door, one on each side, one in the front and one in the back. The Best Man will walk backwards behind this group with a gun for extra protection and to look cool if the neighbors are watching. The neighbors will be watching because the limo driver will honk his horn incessantly as he pulls up to the house.
1:37 pm: The groomsmen will prepare my sleeping chamber for my afternoon pre-wedding power nap. They will cover a leather sofa with soft knitted wool blankets made from New Zealand sheep. Forming the blankets into a nest, I will take a nap and the groomsmen will then have time to write their speeches. They will also stand guard at the sound proof door so that no one can disturb me.
2:05 pm: The groomsmen will wake me from my nap with a special, "nap is over," theme written just for me and only used for this exact moment. The focus of the song will be on pumping me up for the wedding. 3 groomsmen will pull me from the nest and strip me out of my velveteen sleeping sack. The groomsmen will now inspect their tuxedos using magnifying glasses and covering every single square inch to look for white hairs. If a white hair is found it will be pulled off with tweezers and taken outside so it can not get on a tux again. After inspection of their own tuxedos the groomsmen will collectively inspect mine, ensuring it is 100% clean. All 5 groomsmen will now dress me. They will start by putting on my socks, then my bow tie, and so on in that fashion until I am completely dressed. Meanwhile one groomsman will have let in the crowd so they can cheer for me during this dressing process. The theme from Voltron will be played and the Best Man will announce each article of clothing as it is being placed on me so it sounds like what is said during the forming of Voltron.
2:25 pm: The groomsmen will saran wrap me before leaving the front door, not only does this keep the freshness in, but it will keep the tuxedo clean between the house and the church. Arriving at the church the groomsmen will sing a song made up for me and my entrance into the church to the tune of that, "Prince Ali," song from Walt Disney's Aladdin. The song will basically copy the lyrics of the original song, only my name will be in it instead of Prince Ali.
2:58 pm: Right before I enter the church the groomsmen will run in to work the crowd into a frenzy. They will use those shirt shooting guns that shoot rolled up shirts at sporting events but these shirts will have my picture on them and will say, "GROOM BABY GROOM!" On my way to the front of the church the Best Man will chant heroic deeds done by me from boyhood to the present. At the altar the groomsmen will line up in descending order based on tallest to youngest in age.
3:00 pm: As the actual service is about to start the Best Man will rub my shoulders and give me a pep talk resembling what Duke told Apollo Creed before his fight with Rocky Balboa. The Best Man will need to watch each Rocky Movie before the wedding so it can be as close to the real speech as possible. The speech should sound like, "Show them who you are tonight, show them who you are tonight, men love you, women love you, you're the best, you're the champ, old people love you, young people love you, he's a bum, he doesn't deserve to be in the same ring with you." and so on.
And then the wedding will begin. I know that people don't use the term Diva for men but clearly I will be one so I think a new term will be needed for me, I will use Divo. I will be the first Groomzilla, a Divo extraordinaire that my groomsmen will want to kill, but when I'm there in front of my family and friends with the lights on me and my tux, it will all be worth it!