Sunday, March 31, 2013


The Wizard of Oz is regarded as one of the best movies of all time. It's the most watched movie of time.  There are a few things about the movie that always bothered me and today I'm going to voice my opinions about this movie and the problems it has.

So when Dorothy first lands her house in Munchkin land she kills a witch. I'm not sure how much effort it takes getting out of the way of a falling house, but those things are pretty big and I think you'd see them coming down and step out of the way, yet the Wicked Witch of the East didn't or couldn't or whatever and got crushed. We then we meet the munchkin people and I have a serious problem with this race of people.

The Munchin people are hiding in the bushes, you might assume they are going to sneak attack Dorothy but they wouldn't do that. Glinda comes in all happy and cheery, clearly never actually helping the munchkin people based on their description and outright hatred of the Wicked Witch, (thanks for nothing Glinda). Glinda then says that a miracle is killing the Wicked Witch, now I'd never say anyone getting killed by a falling house is a miracle but I guess this is the witch part of Glinda coming out?

They thank her for killing and describe it as "neatly" oh ya neatly hu? You ever clean up the remains of a person CRUSHED BY A HOUSE??? Neat my ass, that would have been a hell of a mess but anywho they then break out into a song and dance celebrating the death of someone (again wouldn't agree that you should celebrate a death). This shows you how terrible the Wicked Witch truly was which I have concerns about. Did you see how nice it was there? They all seemed pretty well groomed and adjusted for living under the tyranny of such a monster. Makes you wonder if they really had it so bad. Their upkeep of the city sure didn't suffer under the rule of the Wicked Witch, that place is spotless! Maybe that's what they were all mad about, maybe the Wicked Witch made them clean it non stop 24 hours a day....or however many hours Oz gets in a day, I understand I'm making assumptions that they are using our calendar. So then the song starts out and it's so catchy and happy and wonderful that you forget that it's about the death of somebody, we didn't even do that when Hitler or Bin Laden died so it gives you some idea of how Wicked she must have been to these little guys....or they're just jerks. The song has clearly been practiced and rehearsed and includes a Munchkin army and I laugh at this because it's like, where were you guys when the Wicked Witch was terrorizing you? Obviously not doing a good job of protecting your city were you Munchkin army? Ok I just thought of another celebration over a death that rivals this one and that would be in the Star Wars movie.

The Wicked Witch wasn't just merely dead, NO, she was mostly sincerely dead. The mayor comes out of his place looking all good and pimped out. The mayor of Munchkin land then declares it is Independence day for the Munchkin people and their decedents, one of them yells out, IF ANY, possibly indicating a problem with procreating. I'm not sure the mayor has that power, to declare it anything but he does. Not sure why he's so damn sure they are independent now just because the Wicked Witch of the East is dead, Glinda clearly states that her sister the Wicked Witch of the West is worse, and the munchkin people never considered that PERHAPS killing her sister would piss her off and she'd come for revenge and enslave them??? No, it never crosses their minds.

Also I'd like to point out at the part where they say, "get out of bed rub your eyes" the actress to the far left missed her cue and gets up early, ruining the scene for me. Oh and in the song the lyrics are "Ding Dong the witch is dead, which old witch? The Wicked Witch," this means they have to ask which witch was just killed, HELLO....THE ONE THAT ENSLAVED YOU, WE'VE ALL JUST BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT FOR 10 MINUTES DUMB-ASSES. The munchkin army also marches out of unison but maybe munchkin armies aren't supposed to or maybe they're just really undisciplined as I suspect due to them not doing anything to protect the city. It's a ridiculously catchy song though, I love it, I would love to have them sing it when I die but with different lyrics.

The Lullaby League then welcomes Dorothy to Munchkin land. Next is the Lollipop Guild, now I actually met the one in the middle, he had the massive lollipop (he was the only living member at the time) he threw out the first pitch of a baseball game and he's a hell of a nice guy. ANYWHO, this welcome song is downright amazing, I'll hand it to those Munchkins, they can write a song. They then tell Dorothy she has been inducted to their Hall of Fame, they don't say what it will say but I guess it would be like, "Dorothy Gale, killed someone with a house."

Now the Wicked Witch shows up to break up their death celebration with a really really cool entrance. If I could I'd enter every room I walk into the same way. She starts demanding to know who killed her sister, as if dropping a house on someone happens often and there is always someone responsible for doing that. All the Munchkins lie there on the ground like slugs, it's their only defense. Then like a true bitch, Glinda points out that she's forgetting the ruby slippers, haha thanks for bringing that to her attention Glinda, she wasn't even going to think about it until you opened your big mouth! Glinda then points out they are right there on Dorothy's feet, causing more problems for Dorothy. At this point Dorothy should have stopped to think about whose side Glinda is really on! The Wicked Witch says she'll mess her up but Glinda reminds her she has NO power there and to just leave. Oh yeah? No power there? Well her sister sure had power there, she ruled that place with an iron fist so what's the difference?

In real life that exit caused 2nd and 3rd degree burns on the actress that played the Wicked Witch, who would have thought stepping into a massive fire ball would do such a thing??? Certainly not the director.

Dorothy is pretty much screwed until she learns about the Wizard who, for all they know, will probably, most likely help her if she goes to see him. Dorothy states that people come and go so quickly around there. Yes Dorothy, they do, when you drop a house on a person, they sure do go quickly.  look closely and you'll see that the yellow brick road begins in a swirl along with a red brick road. They never say where that goes but wouldn't that be a good sequel, where someone goes down the red brick road? Well they don't and Dorothy goes skipping off down a road and almost into the backdrop of the set. This would have been a classic boob bouncing scene if they hadn't been tapped down to make Judy Garland look younger than she was in real life, instead all we get to see is her pigtails flopping, which btw are constantly different lengths throughout the movie because they didn't think of that as her hair grew. Here's my problem with the follow the yellow brick road song, they just simply say "follow it." Then a few minutes later it splits and goes in different directions.....hey....jerks....YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT! They're lucky she went in the right direction or she could have ended up back in Kansas instead of going to the Emerald city!

No problem with the Scarecrow but his constant falling down got annoying after the 57th time. Other than in his song he says he could tell you why the ocean is by the shore, well it ISN'T if you're in the middle of it but anywho at one point he falls and straw comes spewing out, Dorothy asks if it hurts. Oh I don't know Dorothy, does it hurt when your guts come falling out? Lets find out.

Eventually they find the Tinman. No problem with this guy either but this is the famous "midget hanging scene." I'm going to put an end to this stupid and false belief that this actually happened in the movie. NO MIDGET DIED BY HANGING IN THIS MOVIE AND YOU CAN NOT SEE IT SO STOP SAYING IT. If you believe this you're either just going on what people have told you or you're an idiot because I'm going to explain to you what was mistaken for a hanged little person.

There were many exotic birds in the scene including a big stork, crane looking thing. It's in the background, you can see it clear as day. This thing eventually flaps his wings and for some retarded reason some moron at some point said, "Hey look one of the Munchkins is hanging himself!" and everyone believed this blind jackass. IT'S A BIRD. Did anyone stop to think that IF a midget had actually hung himself on the set, by accident or on purpose that no actor saw him doing it? Not the director, not the camera men, not the sound crew, not the light people, not the assistants, nobody in the whole place saw this??? No, none of them did and then it made it into the movie, again, without anyone spotting it while in the editing room or in their previews, they didn't cut that scene with an actual death in it! COME ON PEOPLE! Don't be so stupid. It's an urban legend and it's untrue, stop spreading it around. Don't believe me? Watch the scene for yourself. IT'S A BIRD.

It's actually cute to watch Toto in this scene because he seems to really like the Tinman's dance. The three then go and run into the cowardly lion. I hate the lion, always have, always found him to be annoying and exaggerated. My problem with this scene is, why is the Tinman afraid of the lion? Wouldn't the lion's teeth just break on his Tin exterior? And hello, you have an ax! Chop the shit out of that stupid lion when he threatens you! You don't have a heart so it's not like you'll care if you kill him. I'd let Dorothy kill the lion, she's already a seasoned murderer. I was so glad when Dorothy slaps him in the face. Why was scarecrow afraid of him either, he just got done asking if there were animals that eat straw, so why worry about a lion? Worry about a cow being in the woods scarecrow.

There is a poppy scene and Glinda makes it snow, just so people out there know, that fake snow was actually asbestos, haha, I always chuckle when I watch that scene now. Again, which side are you on Glinda, the Wicked Witch says she's sending poison with flowers but you actually send real poison! The Tinman freezes up because he starts to cry and then rusts, so we are to believe the tinsmith didn't give him a heart but he gave him tear ducts?

Then they make it to Seattle and have some trouble getting in. We get to see a really cool horse that changes color, in real life it was several different horses that were all painted different colors. They clean up the characters and give the lion a perm and a ribbon......the evidence is really starting to pile up lion. The lion starts to sing his crappy song about being king of the forest and mentions NOT QUEEN, but king! Haha, tell us another one lion! Anyway, in the song he states that courage is what causes the flag on a mast to wave. No, that is wind. He also says that courage puts the ape in apricot. There are two problems with this, first of all, ape isn't in the word apricot and second of all, even if it was it wouldn't be courage that puts it there. Tinman also takes a flower pot and smashes it, really cool by the way, to use as a prop for the lion's crown, proving once again the Tinman is the closest thing to a badass this movie has and that he has no regard for public property.

Here comes Oz, the great and powerful....and confusing. The wizard is named Oz? I thought it was the wizard OF Oz? Turns out he is named Oz and the land they are in is also called Oz, showing us that the wizard wasn't very original or creative when choosing a name. He's also pretty rude basically saying he didn't care about them and would only help if they brought back the Wicked Witch's broom stick. Oh sure, that will be easy to get! Knowing what we know now, the wizard is just the old guy and wouldn't he have known he was sending all 4 of them to certain death to tangle with the Witch??? This guy is worse than Glinda!

The witch sends her flying monkeys out, which seems like she has 100s of those things, I guess they're prolific breeders. Many people were terrified by these things but I always thought they were cool. They also make capturing slaves easy as 1,2,3! Not sure why the Witch didn't send them earlier in the movie, could have had the same results much faster but oh well. Her friends come to her rescue and the Tinman chops down the door with his ax, the same way he SHOULD have chopped up the lion when they first met. I'd like to point out that unlike the Tinman and Scarecrow that both served a purpose and saved Dorothy using their talents, the lion did NOTHING to help any in of the situations in the movie.

Why were there so many guards at the Witch's castle? Who was going to come and attack her? The munchkins?? The sissies from the Emerald City? Please, she would be fine without any guards, if anything they should have been guarding her from buckets of water that were randomly placed around her castle. Dorothy and her friends are running around the Wicked Witch's castle, which is really awesome, and then when cornered she lights the scarecrow on fire. That causes Dorothy to throw a bucket of water at the scarecrow hitting the Witch in the face. She starts to melt and is dead. Dorothy then claims, she wasn't TRYING to kill her....ya know Dorothy, this is the SECOND witch you've killed by ACCIDENT that you weren't trying to. How many times can this happen before we start to question  your story? If I was Glinda I'd watch my ass.

Back in the Emerald city they hand over the broom stick and Oz is shocked they came back alive, or he should be anyway. The idiot wizard flies off by accident leaving Dorothy behind forever, that is until Glinda shows up saying Dorothy had the power to leave at anytime she wanted. I like how the scarecrow says, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US BEFORE!? Glinda says Dorothy wouldn't have believed her, haha really Glinda? Why is that, because Dorothy did everything else you said, so why wouldn't she have believed you about the ONE THING she wanted the most? Dorothy clicks her heels and goes home and we see that it was a dream. Notice the size of Dorothy's window in this scene, it's huge!

The movie ends here and we all realize it was just a dream which kinda sucks, I really wish they would have given us a little hint that the movie maybe did actually take place but they didn't and we all find out we just watched a dream. Those are the problems I have with the Wizard of Oz, still a good movie, especially considering this was made in 1939.

A movie all about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.

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