Saturday, March 23, 2013

MISTER MARCH MADNESS CONTEST


There are several products or corporate logos that use the name “MISTER” but who is the best? That’s what we are going to find out! This is the 2013 Mr. March Madness Contest! These elite 8 fictional characters are going to go HEAD TO HEAD until we have a winner! Let the contest begin!
First up is that famous coffee product, MR. COFFEE. A very well-known product, Mr. Coffee has been in households for years. Its revolutionary automatic drip system made brewing coffee at home fun and easy! Mr. Coffee has been in pop culture as well. In the Back to the Future series the time machine comes back from the future with a “Mr. Fusion” accessory that uses garbage as fuel for automobiles, this was a play on Mr. Coffee. In the movie Spaceballs, there is a “Mr. Radar” as well as a Mr. Coffee on the spaceship. In the full Cheers theme song from the 80’s TV sitcom “CHEERS” Mr. Coffee is mentioned. So how does Mr. Coffee stack up against the other Mister mascots??? Well in the Cheers theme song the lyrics state and I QUOTE, “Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee is dead, the morning’s looking bright.” So due to Mr. Coffee being pronounced dead, he has been DISQUALIFIED.

Next up is that fun loving bath buddy, Mr. Bubble! Mr. Bubble has been around for years leaving our children squeaky clean. And who doesn’t like taking bubble baths?! The Mr. Bubble brand happens to be currently the number one bath product on the market today. HOWEVER in lieu of recent events of the child molesting acts done by Penn State great Jerry Sandusky, we are forced to take a closer look at Mr. Bubble. The slogan? “Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty.” Wow…Well, with his child luring cartoon features, very suggestive slogan, AND yet using the name MISTER, which would indicate a full grown adult male, and not a child, we feel at this time it would be better for everybody if we DISQUALIFY Mr. Bubble due to his suggestive nature and possibility of being a child molester OR accessory to child molesting. NO ONE like that will be welcomed into the MR. March Madness contest. It is safe to say Mr. Bubble has showered with young boys, and we don’t want that kind of controversy.

Our next contender is MR. PIBB. An answer to Dr. Pepper, the Coca Cola company came back with a new arch rival soft drink to combat the good doctor. Not as popular or good as Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb has a small but loyal following and is enjoyed by millions each year. So is Mr. Pibb worthy of the title MISTER MARCH MADNESS??? Yes he is! HOWEVER, today I saw Mr. Pibb on a Coke machine and made a startling discovery which promptly led to an intensive research investigation….the results may shock and horrify you. In 2001, Mr. Pibb had the “MR.” part of his name dropped and is now known simply as “Pibb.” Therefore, without having MR. in its name, the soft drink formally known as Mr. Pibb must be DISQUALIFIED from this competition as Pibb is ineligible to compete.

In the 80’s I used to love to go to Chuck E. Cheese’s and one of my favorite puppet robots that worked there was called Mr. Munch! Yes, Mr. Munch, created in 1978 to replace an original character of Pizza Time Theatre, this big stupid looking purple and yellow monster guy couldn’t concentrate on anything other than eating his favorite food….pizza! Mr. Munch wasn’t alone, there were a few other characters and when Show Biz Pizza took over, Mr. Munch was in the lime light. Then that big rat from New Jersey stole the show and Show Biz Pizza became Chuck E. Cheese’s…things began to change.  Like a tree losing its leaves, Chuck E. Cheese’s started to drop its characters, feeling that Chuck E. Cheese was good enough to stand alone. Eventually Mr. Much was written out of the show. He has not been seen or heard from for years. Due to the nonexistence of Mr. Munch he is no longer considered eligible for this contest.

Women do not find bald men attractive EXCEPT for the following: Vin Diesel, Michael Jordan, Yule Brenner, and Mr. Clean, who just happens to be our next competitor. Mr. Clean has been around for years, mainly in the kitchen, helping to keep our homes clean and germ free. Mr. Clean is by far the most ripped of all of our contestants and could easily kick any of their asses BUT Mr. March Madness is much more than an ass kicking competition. Mr. Clean even has his own jingle and is a gentle genie-type mascot that often winks when he gets the job done. He is the strong silent type and is very recognizable. For these qualities and abilities Mr. Clean will move on to the winners circle where he has a chance to be crowned, MR. MARCH MADNESS! Who will he face in the next match up??? FIND OUT NOW!

For years and years we were all taught to avoid Mr. Yuk. He was very distinguishable with his yellow-green circle and his tongue sticking out; Mr. Yuk meant DANGER and STAY OUT and single handedly probably prevented 1,000’s of deaths due to his safety campaigns. I always kinda felt bad for him, like he was the bad guy and yet that was just what he had to do to keep us kids safe. Warning us of poisonous substances or even things like electrical fuse boxes, Mr. Yuk stickers may have been found on such products as Mr. Clean. Created in Pittsburgh, Mr. Yuk was developed to take the place of the skull and crossbones, which was used to symbolize danger or a harmful substance. This was thought to be too closely related to fun things, like pirates and adventure. So a new symbol was created. Mr. Yuk, you will be moving directly into the next round, THAT IS, you would be but studies have shown that your colorful eye catching cartoon face has NO DIRECT AFFECT in detouring children from what they find you on, and in some cases you even attracted children. Outside of Pittsburgh, where you can still request the stickers, it is a consensus to NOT use Mr. Yuk anymore. Therefore, Mr. Yuk has been DISQUALIFIED from this contest due to being linked to possible child deaths in association with strong encouragement to NOT use his likeness for what it was intended for.

Now we come to a bar that is good, Mr. Goodbar, a Hershey’s Chocolate bar that has peanuts in it is actually quite good, hence the name! I remember my first Mr. Goodbar, and what a fitting name because it is delicious. In 1925 Hershey’s added peanuts to their chocolate bar and the Mr. Goodbar was created using a bright yellow wrapper. Wait a sec….bright yellow, peanuts, 1925??? Due to the rules and regulations of this competition, it has been determined by our judges (me),that Mr. GoodBar is in fact, just peanuts in chocolate clothing, this would make him a direct and cheap rip off of another peanut mascot with the name MR. in it….Mr. Peanut. Mr. Goodbar came out in 1925 whereas Mr. Peanut had already come out in 1916. Therefore, due to Mr. Goodbar being a cheap knock off of an already established mascot, we have DISQUALIFIED Mr. Goodbar from this contest, may God have mercy on your soul, PROCEED.

Which brings us to that charming nut of a fellow, Mr. Peanut. No one else in this contest has such grace and civility. He is also without a doubt the best dressed and well-mannered delightful contestant we have. There is no equal when it comes to style and refinement. His poise and elegance can only be matched by his kindness and dependability; after all, he has been doing his job and doing it well for nearly 100 years! With his trademark top hat, cane, monocle and spats, Mr. Peanut easily gets the go ahead nod to enter the winner’s circle to face Mr. Clean for title of MR. MARCH MADNESS!

MR. PEANUT VS. MR. CLEAN

What a match up we have for you today! The manly man’s man of cleaning products, MR. CLEAN verses the regal and distinguished legume MR. PEANUT. So how do these two match up? Mr. Clean is far younger, only having been around since 1958, which may sound really old until you compare that to Mr. Peanut who has been around since 1916! Mr. Clean would clearly win in a street fight as Mr. Peanut would be no match for those huge arms and I’m sure Mr. Clean would crush that shell and then have the common curtsey to clean up the mess! Mr. Peanut could use his cane as a weapon but he just seems too civilized to do any real damage to Mr. Clean. The only thing Mr. Peanut could hope to do to win a fight would be to pray to the God of nuts that Mr. Clean had a peanut allergy, basically making him as weak as a kitten when he came in contact to Mr. Peanut. This isn’t a brawl though and won’t be decided in the ring.

They are both bald…..although that determines nothing. Both have award winning smiles, and one thing Mr. Clean has never been, is creepy, which we cannot say the same for Mr. Peanut as those early costumes are enough to fill up your dream tank to full with nightmare fuel. Mr. Clean could never come close to matching Mr. Peanut’s class though; Mr. Clean wears a white T-shirt, probably purchased in a pack of 5 from Wal-Mart.

Mr. Peanut has an advantage of being on far more products than Mr. Clean. Mr. Peanut has also been in far many more commercials and just has more products out there. Mr. Clean does have the magic eraser though, which uses REAL magic as it’s cleaning agent, and that’s tough to beat! A wider range of people can recognize and identify Mr. Peanut than Mr. Clean, probably because Mr. Clean hasn’t been in as many commercials as he used to.

This matchup is too close to call so we will have to go to a taste test to determine the winner. Well anyone allergic to peanuts would die instantly if they had any Planter Nuts, which is not good for Mr. Peanut. HOWEVER, anyone who drinks a bottle of Mr. Clean is surely going to die, therefore, since only a select few would die at the hands of Mr. Peanut, and all would die during a taste test of Mr. Clean products…….the winner is, by a slim margin, MR. PEANUT, THE BEST “MISTER” MASCOT AND WINNER OF THE TITLE MR. MARCH MADNESS! Thank you all for joining us and see you next year for another March Madness contest, goodnight everybody.

NOTE: Just to clear up any confusion, and to prevent him from hunting me down, I want to clarify why Mr.T was ineligible for this contest. Due to the fact that he is a real person and NOT a mascot, product, or corporate logo, he was not able to enter this contest.

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