Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Beauty and the Beast Relationship Arguments

What happened if the Beast didn't turn back into a human at the end of the movie? I like to think their relationship would have had a lot of rocky spots to overcome. Everything I know about relationships tells me that Belle would have left the Beast for Gaston. Here are a few of the inevitable arguments I feel they would have had while living together. 

Belle: "Beast, you left a ton of hair in the sink! Look at this mess!"
Beast: "Have you seen my face??? I look like Bigfoot and an Italian guy had a baby! I shave and it doesn't even matter! Besides, I'm getting my summer coat so I'm shedding a lot more, cut me a break."

Belle: "Who tore up the couch cushions, as if I had to ask??"
Beast: "Ok, first of all, it is MY couch. I had to sharpen my claws on something around here and did you think to buy me a scratching post?? NO, YOU DIDN'T!"
Belle: "If you keep ruining our furniture, we won't have any servants left when they all turn back into humans! When is that happening by the way? Cause I hear about it all the time and yet, do I see a single person around here??"
Beast: "You keep this shit up and the only single person around here will be YOU."

Beast: "The meatloaf is a little under-cooked."
Belle: "Oh is it??? I'm sorry, how do you usually like your gazelle carcass prepared?
Beast: "I was just saying..."
Belle: "Don't you usually just chase these things down and bite their necks until they stop kicking?? I'm surprised you want the stupid thing cooked at all!"
Beast: "It's still good, I just meant..."
Belle: "You know what Beast??? Maybe you should have captured and enslaved a chef for you because I'm not your cook, I'm just your prisoner!"

Belle: "I wish you wouldn't be such an animal when we're being intimate."
Beast: "What can I say, I'm a prince on the streets and a beast in the sheets."

Belle: "I want a job, I don't want to be a house queen, sitting around all day raising your cubs."
Beast: "Well, I don't think there are many job opportunities for women here in feudal France..."
Belle: "What's THAT supposed to mean?!?! Are you saying women can't do the same jobs as men?! You think I'm inferior, is that it?!"
Beast: "No, I'm just saying we live in a castle and have an army of servants, you don't even have to work at all."
Belle: "What we have is an army of furniture Beast, and the second they turn into humans, what are we going to sit on?? I'm not going to keep sleeping on your maid after she turns back!"

Belle: "Good lord what is that smell??"
Beast: "I can tell you're not so much asking as trying to make a point."
Belle: "And yet, I don't see you doing anything about it."
Beast: "I took a shower Belle, Ok?! That's what you wanted, but it's worse cause now I smell like a wet dog! I only did it for you!"
Belle: "Did you use my towel??? Ohhhhhh, you son of a....YOU DID!"
Beast: "That's the last time I ever take a shower!"
Belle: "Really? So it was the first AND last time??"

Belle: "That's odd....somebody dug up my rose bushes...."
Beast: "Oh ya? Hmm, odd."
Belle: " is odd, considering we don't have a dog."
Beast: "Must have been the neighbor's dog or something?"
Belle: "Must have been. Odd....there are muddy paw prints all over the floor too."
Beast: "Those are mine. Obviously."
Belle: "Dirty from what Beast? Being outside perhaps?"
Beast: "I was outside for a little bit today, so what?"
Belle: "How much longer are you going to pretend it wasn't you that dug up my flowers?"
Beast: "I was going to go on indefinitely."

Belle: "Who got into the garbage??? Maybe it was that invisible dog we supposedly have!"
Beast: "YOU threw out chicken bones, what was I supposed to do?!"
Belle: "Oh I don't know Beast, maybe act civilized for once in your life?"
Beast: "I'm not getting into this again with you."
Belle: "No, but you'll get into the garbage again?"
Beast: "I told you, if you don't want me getting into the garbage, put it up high where I can't get to it."

Belle: "I'm going to curl your fur!"
Beast: "Oh please no Belle, I hate this..."
Belle: "Oh come on you big teddy bear, you'll love it! Just sit still for a few hours."
Beast: "No, it will make me look stupid!"
Belle: "Yes Beast, THAT will make you look stupid. Not the fact that you're a half bear, half bison, all asshole freak of nature, that wears clothes, it will be the curls that make you look stupid. Out of everything about you, the curls will make you look stupid. God you're dumb."

Belle: "I think I have Stockholm Syndrome."
Beast: "Is that what they're calling herpes nowadays?"
Belle: "You're such a jerk! I knew I should have stayed with Gaston!"
Beast: "Oh here we go, let's just talk about how wonderful your ex boyfriend was and horrible I am. Sorry, please Belle refresh my memory, how big was his castle compared to mine??"
Belle: "It wasn't his castle that was bigger! And he would never treat me like this! He was so nice!"
Beast: "That's because he was seeing blonde triplets! If I was seeing blonde triplets maybe I would be in a better mood too!"

Belle: "I see how you look at that feather duster skank."
Beast: "I don't look at her! She's an employee, and besides, I think she's seeing that candle stick guy."
Belle: "That candle stick is GAY!"
Beast: "No he isn't! He's french, can be hard to tell sometimes."
Belle: "Whatever. Don't talk to me. Why don't you go dust something."
Beast: What the hell would I want with a feather duster anyway!?!?"
Belle: "You tell me, you're the one that wants her!"

Beast: "Who ate the last hot-pocket?"
Belle: "I think it was that clock guy...or something."
Beast: "The clock guy ate it? The clock guy ate it!? Do clocks even eat food?!"
Belle: "How the hell should I know, it's your freaking enchanted castle!"
Beast: "Why can't you just admit it was you?"
Belle: "Why is it that when food goes missing, it's automatically the HUMAN being that ate it???"

Belle: "I hate this mirror of yours. It makes me look so fat."
Beast: "It must be broken! I'm sorry Belle, that a magic mirror STILL can't make you look thin enough."
Belle: "At least I don't weigh 400 pounds you ox!"
Beast: "Just give it some time! And my weight is healthy and attractive for my height!"

Belle: "You know, I am REALLY getting sick and tired of cutting the crap out of your fur everyday."
Beast: "Not as sick and tired as I am of HEARING about it every damn day!"
Belle: "If you'd like to do it yourself, please, by all means, GO AHEAD! I have better things to do with my time than that!"
Beast: "Such as?? What do you do around here anyways??? Reading your stupid romance novels and eating Bon-bons in the library all day can hardly be considered doing work!"
Belle: "I do plenty around here, and having to be the one that cuts crap out of your ass fur is by itself more than enough of a contribution!"
Beast: "FINE! Don't cut the crap out of my fur and tonight when you're complaining about how I tracked crap throughout the bed, you just remember this conversation, you just remember it!!!"

Belle: "Beast, I want to move my father into the castle with us."
Beast: "The town nut-job?? I don't think so."
Belle: "You have an entire castle of freaks, and you won't let one little old man live here too??"
Beast: "Ok fine, and while we're at it, let's ask your mother to move in with us too, OHHHH, so sorry, I forgot, she left you when you were little hu???"
Belle: "At least my parents weren't considered livestock! Where are your parents Beast?? Probably mounted on Gaston's wall."
Beast: "..........You know Belle, I don't think you know how much your words can hurt me sometimes."
Belle: "You are such a sissy. Go put another ribbon in your hair."

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