ARIES: You're the kind of person that annoys everyone around you. Avoid social gatherings because although you get an invite, its only out of pity and you aren't really welcome. Suicide is still your best option at this point.
TAURUS: You may find yourself at odds at work and home when you find out your spouse is cheating on you with your boss. Getting upset won't help the situation, just accept the fact that you're a loser. A new career is in your future....because your boss is going to fire you.
GEMINI: Explosive diarrhea will continue to plague your love life, not that it really had much effect on it anyway. You will finally find the source of that horrid smell coming from your bedroom. You will find your long lost cat, in your bedroom. Allow the stars to guide you, they can't mess up any worse than you already have yourself.
CANCER: Your patience for that promotion at work is finally paid off when someone else gets the job. Expect travel in your near future as you take a trip to the state prison on fraud charges. Take comfort in knowing you were innocent of the crime. The stars predict a new lover comes into your life.
LEO: Your sex drought finally comes to an end when you're raped by a bigfoot. Nobody believes your story and you will end up in a mental hospital where killing yourself won't be easy. Better tie up all loose ends before your camping trip.
VIRGO: Spend time with the person that means the most to you, your hand. The stars predict a harsh winter for you, your food stores have not been filled as much as they should have been. Last minute acorns can be found under your neighbors tree, he is feeling trigger happy today.
LIBRA: Go ahead with your big idea, even if people call you crazy, insane, stupid, dumb, ugly, gay, retarded, moronic and smelly. A large sum of money is in your future when you get fined by the police for mooning them and then lying about it being a weather experiment.
SCORPIO: Get that costly sex change you've been after, you aren't fooling anybody. Eat hamburgers until you have the answer that you've been waiting for. Look for a LEO to really piss you off today, and tomorrow and the next day.
Sagittarius: Cancel that big trip, you have to plan for a funeral. Spend your life savings on something fun but don't go overboard, no one likes a show off. The stars show a lot of confusion has entered your life, to clear this up ignore everything important to you.
CAPRICORN: How many times do you have to fail before you just give up? At least once more say the stars. The cosmic powers have had enough of your pathetic attempts at trying to make something of yourself. Go to that special spot you like to spend time in and stay there for a week.
AQUARIUS: Food and water is overrated, do what you want to do even if it means jail time. Blame others around you for your short comings. You will step in dog poop and track it into your important interview which will ruin your chances of getting that new, better, good job.
Pisces: It's all over. You're going to die, sure we all are but a lot sooner and quicker for you. It will be painful and terrible and there is no way around this. Crying about it won't solve anything, suck it up you big cry baby. After all you are doing the world a favor. Say goodbye to your true love, your goldfish.