Helping Kids Figure Out Popular Proverbs and Idioms

I had a lot of children write to me asking to help them understand some common sayings that they have heard but don't understand. Here are my explanations!



"Andrew, how come people say, 'practice makes perfect,' what if I'm really bad at something? I don't seem to get any better even with a lot of practice." -Timmy G.

Well Timmy, that's because "practice DOESN'T make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect." If you're lousy at something, and it sounds as if you clearly are, then practicing at it won't help you, you'll just get worse and worse because you already suck! So, if you're really bad at something, just give up and stop trying!


"I once heard someone say, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' Why would anyone live in a glass house?"   -Daniel T.

First of all, a glass house is called a green house Daniel and second of all nobody lives in green houses. It would make more sense though if we said, "People that live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass." Is that actually what you meant? I think that's what you meant to say.


"What exactly is a gift horse, as in, Never look a gift horse in the mouth?" -Sarah S.

A gift horse, Sarah, is a horse that one receives as a gift, obviously. The reason why you should never look one in the mouth is because one time I did, and all I saw was a human face looking back at me because it wasn't a real horse. It was just one of those two person horse costumes.


"If a penny saved is a penny earned. What happens if you stole the penny in the first place?" -Bobby F.

A penny stolen is also a penny earned, and if you save that penny then you get two cents out of it instead of just one. This is why so many people try to steal money, because it's the easiest way to make money.


"Andrew, I have heard that, 'Good things come to those who wait.' But I also heard Alexander the Great used to say, 'Fortune favors the bold.' They contradict each other, which one should I believe?" -Eli M.

Good question but a better question is, who said, "Good things come to those who wait." I don't know and neither does anybody else but the other one was said by a guy that they called, "The Great," pretty sure you have your answer.


"I feel that I can lead a  horse to water AND make him drink. What do you think? -Seth R.

No Seth, you can't. If you think you'll just hold the horse's head under water until he drinks after you've led him to it, well think again. He will just refuse and end up drowning. Plus to make matters worse you'll then find out it was just two people in a two person horse costume and you've committed murder.


"Slow and steady wins the race," is something my mom told me but I find that to be a pretty stupid race strategy. Does this apply to races that are sprints??" -Ryan N.

That's because you're smart and she isn't. Slow and steady never won any race, ever. Not even in the fable, The Tortoise And The Hare. That isn't a true story, it would have never happened that way, there is no way a hare loses to nature's D student. The hare won but only lost on a technicality. The race itself was only a formality as we already know the hare would win 100 times out of 100 races. The saying should be, "The fastest wins the race."


"I keep noticing when I do something my dad smiles and states, 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.' Andrew, what apple, what tree??? I am so confused." -Henry S.

Evidently your father never knew of an apple tree growing on a steep hill...or on the edge of a cliff...or close to a river....or with a cart under it. The truth is Henry, your father isn't talking about apples or trees. He's essentially comparing apples to oranges when he compares you to an apple.


"I have a crazy friend that says the grass is always greener on the other side. Our neighbor has really  ugly-looking dead brown grass, so is my friend crazy?" -Billy D.

Not crazy Billy, just color blind. If he thinks the grass is greener when it clearly is brown, then don't call him crazy, that would be rude because he has what some doctors call, "male pattern color blindness." It's natures way of ensuring fights between neighbors. You really think your neighbor wants his grass looking all ugly, dead, and brown?? Of course not! He honestly thinks it's greener than yours but hey, he doesn't even know what green looks like! Your crazy friend and your neighbor are both color blind, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.


"Dear Andrew, My father tells me to stop beating a dead horse. I didn't even know we owned a horse and now I find out it's dead?!?! To know my parents think I would ever beat a horse, dead OR alive, is just insulting! I keep bringing this up to them and I have, over and over and over and over again, but they just won't explain it to me!" -Patrick K.

Clearly your parents are hiding something from you Patrick. My best advice to you would be to continue to ask them and never let up! Don't let this subject die like that horse you beat to death. Be persistent and you'll get your answer!  I wonder what the secret they're keeping from you could be? The horse you killed was probably just two people in one of those two person horse costumes and they are trying to cover up the murder.


"Hey Andrew, I was told that, 'When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' but life never handed me anything so when will this happen to me?" -Alice F.

Who cares about lemonade? What you want is for life to hand you an alligator so you can make Gatorade! Usually life doesn't hand you an alligator as much as it just throws it at you but if you ever make Gatorade I hope you share it with me!

ANDREW THOUGHTS

These are some of the things that I think throughout the day.

If Native American's call corn, "maize," and we have corn mazes, would they call them a maize maze? Is their word for a maze, "corn?" If so would they call it a Maize corn? Or would they just use our English word corn and call it a corn corn? 

If, "the best things in life are free," and they say, "Nothing is free in life," then is there nothing good in life???

When you stay out late or go to bed very late people call you a "night owl." Why would they say the word, "night," aren't all owls out at night? Shouldn't they just call you an owl? 

If we have taught gorillas and chimps sign language how come we have never asked them why they throw their crap? I don't think they can tell us anything about themselves that we don't already know, other than why they throw their own crap. Maybe someone should explain to them what crap is and why they shouldn't be throwing it around. 

I heard a Bigfoot hunter once say he wanted to prove Bigfoot was real so we could pass laws to protect it. Protect it? I'd say Bigfoot is already doing a pretty good job of protecting itself considering it's never been caught, shot, run over, or found dead. 

I think if dogs ever go extinct we would automatically give the title of, "Man's Best Friend," to cats but it would be like when your best friend moved away when you were a kid and you had to get a new best friend and it just wasn't the same and the whole time you wished you had your old best friend back because they were so much better. If dogs are Man's Best Friend, then cats must be, "Man's Standby."

I doubt Willy Wonka paid his Oompa Loompas but even if he didn't he still had to feed them, clothe them, educate them, and give them a place to sleep. The water and electric bills for all those little guys alone would be in the thousands every month. I'm not sure it was worth having them work for him. 

The reason why hot dogs come in packages of 10 and hot dog buns come in packages of 8 is not a mystery to me. The hot dog companies and the hot dog bun companies are working together and came up with a genius master plan to sell more products. When you get a pack of hot dogs you say, "Oh I won't have enough buns if I only get one pack of buns." So you buy another pack of buns but then you say, "Oh, well now I'll have so many more buns than hot dogs, so I better get another pack of hot dogs." Then you realize you'll have way more hot dogs so you get another pack of buns and you leave the store with 3 packs of hot dogs and 3 packs of buns when you really only wanted one of each. Mystery solved. 

When I was 5 years old I set the living room rug on fire. In all the spanking and yelling that went on did anyone ask where my parents were while I was setting the fire? I think I was blamed for it so I could be the scape goat in a big poor parenting cover up. 

Look up bird feeders when you have the chance. They all say how they are squirrel resistant. There are also a ton of anti-squirrel products that you can get to protect your bird feeders from squirrels. Why does it matter if the squirrels get some food too??? What did they ever do to anyone??? You are willing to feed every bird in the neighborhood but God forbid if a squirrel should get one seed??? I say if you're feeding one type of vermin, then feed them all! 

In college I once watched a squirrel burry a nut, I promptly ran up and the squirrel ran to a tree, I then dug up the acorn as the squirrel watched from the nearby tree. I held up the nut so he could clearly see I stole it and I told him I was taking it because it was mine now. I swear to you that squirrel had a surprised and confused look on his face. He didn't move, he just stared at me right in the eyes. Their obsessive burying of nuts is so annoying, as if they are paranoid anyone wants their stupid nuts. Well, their worst fear was realized that day when I proved that someone does. It's funny how animals can show human emotions when given the chance. 

If cartoons have taught me anything it is that Amnesia and quicksand are two very real threats to people. How come no one you know has ever experienced either one? I'm starting to think they're not going to happen to me.

How come you can only buy 100% Orange Juice? Where are the other percentages like milk? Maybe I don't want 100% maybe I want 80/20 like hamburger meat. I think there should be many different percentages to choose from and the worst quality being the container that says, Orange "Juice."

I feel bad for Yield signs. Yield signs have to be the most ignored signs of all time. People treat them as if they are completely optional and the option they always choose is to ignore them.

Do hamsters ever think they are getting somewhere on those wheels of theirs?

I watched a show where a couple bought and moved into an old fire house. They got a dog, a black and white dog but it WASN'T a Dalmatian. That's the most messed up thing I've ever heard of in all my life.

The Flight Of The Barn Owl, short story by Andrew Lucas

As the sun sets behind rolling hills, the little farm settles in for the night. The chickens have roosted in their coop, the cows have headed for the barn, the pigs are nestled in their pen, and the sheep are huddled together in the field. However, not everyone on the farm is headed to bed at this time. Sleepy eyes blink as the Barn Owl stirs, she is just waking up. Tired wings stretch and flap but make no noise. Wind blows through the cracks in the wood that make up the barn walls. In the highest rafter of her man-made lair the Barn Owl peers down to the stillness of the straw covered barn floor. Not a sound can be heard, other than the wind whistling through the boards, and no matter how tiny of a sound there could be, you can be sure she would hear it.

She hops to the edge of the hole in the wall and pokes her head out. The world is tucking itself into bed and the fields and trees in the distance appear as if they have pulled a blanket of white over them. A haunting hoot of a Great Horned Owl can be heard echoing far off, signaling night has officially come to the land.  The Barn Owl hears it and looks in that direction. As menacing as she is, she will still stay away from that area. This bird of prey doesn't want to come face to face with the maker of that noise.

Down the snow-covered lane a great beechnut tree stands alone. The darkness surrounds the branches but in the moonlight they are highlighted and outlined in white. The Barn Owl leans out of the exit and shoots through the opening. A few rapid flaps with a glide and the terror to mice and rats sails through the night sky. She heads straight for the long-standing tree, stripped naked of its leaves this time of year. As silent as the night, the owl rushes to a low branch and clutches it tightly, she makes no sound at all as she flaps in her landing.

Her bright eyes survey the lane and fields that lay beneath this lone wooden tower. She listens for the faintest of sounds because that is exactly what she is hunting for, sound. Even if a mouse moved underneath the layer of snow, she would be able to hear it. Not too far away from the great tree is a corn crib. The rodents of the farm often frequent this spot because of all the wonderful corn that is readily available to them! There is a high risk to visit this spot because the night birds know this as well, and the rodents are quite aware that they know this too. When night falls the mice and rats understand that a silent end can come from above without warning. The big black eyes and pure white face is like a ghost in the darkness that comes to take them. If a mouse or rat ever sees this face, it will be the last thing they ever see. Speed, stealth, power, and razor sharp talons are the tools that spell doom for the tiny mammals that call this little farm home.

The brown and white spotted raptor listens for tiny sounds coming from the corn crib. She knows that this place is usually good for at least one meal so she investigates it first. One young rat decides that the corn crib at night is far too tempting to pass up and his hunger leads him right to the ears of corn. The commotion he makes wouldn't alert you or me but in the distance someone takes notice of the faint scratching. The owl focuses in on the sound's origin. She pin points it although she can't see it yet, she knows exactly where the petite rat is hiding. Without a sound she raises up and makes a direct line for the corn crib. The rat gets careless, enjoying his food unaware that behind him death has taken flight. The Barn Owl makes an arch and gains height so that she can come almost straight down on her target.

As if something warns him, he stops and looks around, he doesn't see anything, he doesn't hear anything, he can't smell anything, so he goes back to nibbling on his food. It is too late, in one swift motion she tilts her wings and elevates them which slows down her momentum while she pushes forward with her legs and opens up her out stretched feet, talons baring and before a shadow cast by the moonlight alerts the rat, it is all over. The crushing blow kills him instantaneously as the immense pressure is the actual cause of death. Without stopping, the owl was able to grasp her prey and continue on her flight back to the decrepit old tree.

A familiar ghostly face with large round eyes appears through the blackness and lands next to her on the same branch. It is her mate and he too has a meal in his clutches. As they simultaneously tear up the meat in their beaks, with a big white moon reflecting on the snow behind them, the pair understands that their night of hunting isn't over, it is only just beginning. The female Barn Owl will need all the nutrients she can get in the short time before her eggs are laid. 

MY PET CROW

Although released back into the wild, having "Scare," my pet crow live with us, is something I'll never forget.

Scare was a crow that I nursed back to health after he was shot. I didn't plan to let him go in the end, but he was a wild bird and it's what he deserved. This is the story all about how I took a crow and turned his life upside down and I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there and I'll tell you how I returned a crow to fly in the air.

Some men were putting a new roof on my dad's house and of course they had a shotgun with them so when some crows came flying over, they decided to take some shots. Well they hit one but he wasn't dead yet he couldn't fly since he was shot in the wing. My dad caught him for me. My dad owed me a crow so he didn't even ask if I wanted it before he decided to catch it for me.

A few years before this my dad was on a job site. There was a crow's nest in a nearby tree. One of my dad's coworkers climbed the tree and took the 3 babies out of the nest. He wanted one for a pet and thought he'd give the other two away. He asked my dad if he thought I'd like one of the babies and he was told, no, no I wouldn't want one. WHAT?? No clue what my dad was thinking that day but needless to say I wasn't happy about it. He actually said to me and I quote, "Sorry. Well, if anyone ever catches another baby crow and asks me if you want it, I will tell them yes." Really? thanks dad, guess how many times THAT'S happened since then???

My dad calls me up and tells me he caught a wounded crow and if I want it, I can have it. Well of course I do and I rushed to his house to see this little guy. A face only a mother could love I suppose. He wasn't afraid of me or us. As you can see he let us hold him right away. He would also sit on my shoulder and walk around the tops of couches and chairs.  

I needed a name for him and I went through a lot of them before I finally decided on Scare. Some rejects were, Midnight, Crow Diddley, Crow Bar, Crow Jackson, Crow Duke, and Poe. Ravens and Crows are NOT the same bird if you're wondering but it was strange that he actually watched a Baltimore Ravens game one time, he just kept staring at the TV. My dad said it was his favorite team.

One idiot once told me that I didn't have a crow because, "Crows have yellow beaks and feet." Well, no they don't unless you're watching a racist Disney cartoon and this is where I assume she gained all of her scientific education. If she had been in first grade or even anything lower than college, I may have understood why she thought that. He was a crow for sure, complete with his black legs and black beak.

We fed Scare Crow a bunch of different foods. He lived in a large cage in the living room as his wing healed.  He never touched the Stuffed Cabbage we gave him which is odd because crows love garbage. His favorite food? Deer meat, and luckily we had plenty of that. It always amazed me how he would clean it to the bone, anything with bones actually he would strip clean better than any human or machine could do. That's nature for you I guess. He didn't like to eat in front of us though. Crows might be scavengers but Scare liked clean food and could be picky at times.

I showered with him too. I assumed birds liked bird baths so I thought he might enjoy the steam and splashing water from a shower. Instead of enjoying showers as I do, he just seemed so puzzled and curious about everything in the bathroom. He would get wet and then groom himself feather by feather.

One time I saw a group of crows outside the house eating things from my dad's compost pile. I took Scare's cage outside and put it right by the compost pile and went back inside the house. I thought he might like some friends or something. Oddly enough Scare was cawing and jumping all over his cage but the other crows ignored him completely! They didn't look up as if he wasn't  even there. I'm not sure why and I've never been able to figure this out. I assume Scare was trying to tell them that he had been captured by the humans and was living with them and to free him. I guess they didn't want to get involved?

Eventually Scare became much more active and lively. He constantly hopped from branch to branch in his cage and would often flap his wings. It was at this point he even bit me. Crows have beaks like scissors, did you know that? I do now. I also realized that showering with him at this point was a stupid and possible terrible idea.

I knew it was time for my crow to be set free. He was born in the wild and it was where he belonged. Being labeled a house crow by the other crows just wasn't fair. With his wing being completely healed, he was taken outside and set free. He took to the sky and soared above the tree tops until he disappeared in the distance.

They say crows are the smartest birds there are and scientific tests have proven that. They say crows can remember a face and even avoid places where they were hurt or other crows have been killed and even more fascinating is that they, "tell" other crows and  teach their offspring about these things. Did I ever see Scare again? Not sure. Many crows have flown over the house or have been in nearby trees but if what they say about crows is true, I assume Scare avoided our house again and never wanted to come back. I often wonder if he tells the other crows about his time spent living with the strangest most curious creatures on earth. Crows can live to be 20 years old in the wild and in captivity the oldest crow was 59, so Scare could easily still be out there somewhere.

Sometimes outside my dad's house a crow will caw loudly at me right before it flies away, although that is not uncommon for your average crow to do, I can't help but wonder if one of them was  my Scare Crow saying, "Thank you for saving me, but I rather live free!"

Don't think Scare was very smart or would remember me? Check out these articles on crows and prepare to be fascinated!

http://www.cracked.com/article_19042_6-terrifying-ways-crows-are-way-smarter-than-you-think.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2590046/Crows-intelligent-CHILDREN-Study-reveals-birds-intelligence-seven-year-old.html

http://www.nbcnews.com/science/weird-science/crows-are-smart-enough-spot-analogies-their-own-n271131

http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-31604026

A TERRIBLE HAIRCUT

We've all had them. Terrible haircuts that you wish you could just rewind the last 15 minutes of your life and run out of the place before they can scalp you. Well I just had one. 

Is it just me or does everybody else approach the barber the same way? Saying to myself, "Please don't let this be a bad haircut, please don't let this be a bad haircut." I hate these places. Over priced doesn't begin to describe the modern hairdresser but you get what you pay for! (Not at the barber) I would GLADLY pay a ton of money to get a decent haircut because my hair sucks, it always has and it always will. I just can't see a reason to spend a ton of money on my short, simple hair though, so I go to these chains that have people in them that know about cutting hair as much as Hawaiians know about shoveling snow. 

So I go to Procuts. (first mistake) I'm just looking for a quick trim, nothing special or fancy or difficult and it was really close to my house. I go in and no one else is there. (first clue) From the moment the only hairdresser in the place starts talking to me I hear a voice in my head that says, "Get out of here...dude, just get out of here, this isn't right....something's wrong....RUN, DUDE SERIOUSLY, RUN, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE." Did I listen to that voice? I wouldn't be writing this blog if I had. 

She didn't speak English very well. Not sure if that is what scared me because that has nothing to do with cutting hair. She puts on that smock thing they all use and asks me how I want my hair cut. I tell her I want it the same as it is now just shorter. And that I use the clippers on the side and back and it is blended into the top. Pretty easy instructions to understand I would think, especially for someone that has a fancy Procut degree displayed on her counter! She then asked me how I want my hair cut. (that's not a typo, she asked again.) This is how she actually said it by the way, "How you want do hair?" 

I told her again, changing nothing in my instructions. She said, "Ok, you want not too short." I figured that was a pretty good guideline to be following so I just sat there like an idiot. Like a lamb going to slaughter is what this was. Speaking of sheep, I got treated like a lamb getting sheared. So she takes out the clippers and a kind of comb I've never seen before, you'd think I would have seen every kind of comb there is by now in my lifetime, but apparently I hadn't. I'm no professional barber but her technique was just terrible. She used the clippers on my head like someone uses a taser on someone else. Quick jabs at my hair is how she did it. 

She then says to me, "How you want sideburns?" I said, "Oh they are fine how they are, just leave them." She repeats, "Just leave them, ok." Now, I'm not a translator for whatever language she spoke but "just leave them" must have meant, "cut the shit out of them" because THAT'S what she did. She took over an inch off my sideburns with her bullshit jabbing motion. Look, again, I'm not a professional  but that's not how you use those things! So the sideburns are gone completely, leveled with my ear now, whatever, they grow back, who cares? Still a part of me wanted to say, "Hey dumbass, what part of LEAVE THEM, didn't you understand???" I didn't need to ask that question because the answer was clearly, NONE OF IT SIR. 

She continues her scalping, I mean cutting, and the whole time I feel like I'm being abused. She was smacking me around and hitting me with the towel to get the hair off and grabbing my head and shoving it down and up so she could cut the hair. I know most barbers are hands on, but this was crazy! I wanted to stop her and say, "Do I know you? Did I offend you in some other life??? Are you angry at me or someone else today???" It actually was a painful experience and she burned me with the blow drier. *sigh* That's what I deserve I suppose. 

She used that squirt bottle they all have to wet your hair so they can cut it. She just kept spraying my hair until it was literally dripping wet. Luckily she slapped off the water with her towel. Then when it was all done I go to pay and escape and she tells me it is going to be 17 dollars! 17 bucks for a trim?? Seriously what robbery. I knew she meant business though, maybe that's why she roughed me up so much, to send a message. Let me do some math on that folks. It took her less than 10 minutes to cut my hair, at that rate she would make $102.00 an hour, which is 4,080 dollars a week, 16,320 dollars a month, and $195,840.00 a year. Not counting tips. College??? Should have gone to beauty school! 

So I give her my card and she hands me the receipt to sign and tells me the tip should be 5 dollars! First of all, a tip is an extra bit of gratitude for a job well done, that's what it is, it isn't part of the price of the haircut, that is what 17 dollars is for, you did the job and you got paid, a tip is 100% completely optional. (That goes for you waiters out there too) There is no law that says you have to give one and there is no law that says it HAS to be a certain percentage either. So don't tell me what your tip is going to be....EVER. Because if you do, your new tip becomes ZERO because you're an asshole. AND IF WAITERS WANT TO BITCH NOW about how that is where most of your money comes from, well get a new job or do a better job and EARN a tip, just don't expect one. Anyway, I write a 3, not sure why I even did that. She looks at it and tells me THE TOTAL WAS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I thought a 3 dollar tip on a 17 dollar haircut was pretty generous considering this was the second worst haircut of my life. At this point I was really just plain sick and tired of her terrible attempt at English, she didn't so much speak it as she just chewed it up and spit it out, so I just said, "Yes." and walked out. I'm sure she was confused by that but I didn't care, she didn't deserve 5 cents let alone several dollars PLUS the total was already 17 so that just means your tip is going to be smaller. I'm sorry but it doesn't cost you that much money to operate scissors. Why are we all paying these outrageous amounts??? 

It's times like these I really wish I was a mean person. I would have looked her right in the eyes and said, "YOU GET NOTHING!!!" Just like Willy Wonka. Then I would have said, ''YOU'LL GET AS MUCH OF A TIP AS I HAVE SIDEBURNS, WHICH IS NONE!!!" She would be confused at this point so I'd continue, "THIS HAIRCUT WAS BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD!!!" She'd probably be tearing up now or maybe trying to justify something or maybe even apologize but I'd just say, "YOU DID NOTHING RIGHT, JUST LIKE LIFE, YOU SUCK AT LIFE, STOP SUCKING AT LIFE SO MUCH, I WISH YOU'D JUST DRINK THAT BLUE COMB JUICE YOU ALL HAVE ON YOUR COUNTERS AND END IT ALL!!!" Perhaps that last part is too harsh. Besides she didn't have that comb juice, which is odd because they all do. What is that stuff anyway??? Where was hers??? Did she even work there?????? I'm starting to have my doubts. 

All in all I will never go back, ever, for any reason. I also advise everyone to stay away from this place and others like it. Here's an actual tip for her and all the other barbers and hairdressers out there, YOU'RE NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO CHARGE 17 DOLLARS PLUS A TIP FOR A TRIM, THE ONLY REASON WHY PEOPLE DON'T CUT THEIR OWN HAIR IS BECAUSE WE CAN'T SEE BEHIND OUR HEADS, IF HUMANS COULD, YOU WOULDN'T EXIST. 

It also occurred to me that she may have been mentally challenged and or blind. If that is the case then I apologize whole heartedly and commend her for doing such a wonderful job on my hair. However, we know that's not true because even a blind mentally challenged person could have done a better job. 

The biggest regret of the day for me is the fact that all my life I've been waiting to use a very funny special line that I heard on tv many years ago. Remember that show In Living Color? In one sketch a barber keeps messing up people's hair and at one point he asks where his tip is, the man replies that he will break the tip of his shoe off in his ass. I've always wanted to say that about a tip to the person asking for one after being angry at them for doing a terrible job. Not only was this the most perfect time ever for that, it actually was in a barber shop just like in the skit. Really bad day for me here people, really bad. That's not my two cents, my two cents went to pay for this horrible haircut. 

Here is the clip if you want to watch it. My experience was pretty much just like this, only I would have rather gone to this fake barbershop than the one I went to today! 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCR8k8ypRT0

My Blog's new logo

Looking through a list of suggested blogs made me feel like I was on pintrest. So many clever names and wonderful default pictures that made me start to think about mine. It's just my ugly face. I decided I needed a picture that would represent this blog. What on earth can sum up this blog in one picture?? Nothing, but second to nothing is what I have used here! 

I decided that if my blog is about my opinions and therefore isn't really about one thing in particular, I should have a catchy name. That is how I came up with my two cents, being that giving one's, "two cents," on something means their opinion. I thought I should have 2 cents in the new logo. Who better to also represent this blog than the sophisticated Mr. Peanut. Luckily I have an old Mr. Peanut thing that I got during my Mr. Peanut phase. (Read about it here http://andrew-mytwocents.blogspot.com/2013/03/i-love-mr-peanut.html )Not sure what this was for, maybe for nuts, I don't know but it's cast iron and I keep change in it. 

Now I actually dug through all of my change to find the pennies. I placed them near his feet so you could see two cents. I left the rest of the pennies in the dish part. After several shots and different angles I got what I liked the most. Then I made it look really old because that statue thing I have is really old. You can't tell that picture was taken in 2015 can you? Thought it turned out pretty cool. Anyway that is the new blog logo! Hope you like it, and if you don't, I don't care! But that's just my two cents...

New Logo facts!

• Mr. Peanut statue thing was bought on ebay for $14.25 during my Mr. Peanut phase.
• The two pennies pictured are a 1982 and a 2008, one for the year I was born and one for the year I started this blog. 
• I wanted a 1982 and a 2008 penny for the picture and went through all the pennies until I found them both, the 2008 was the only one of that year and it was literally the last penny in the dish. 
• There were three 1982 pennies and one 2008 penny in the dish.
• The picture was taken and changed by using my new Droid Turbo.
• 56 cents of pennies in the dish
• 23 quarters 
• 16 dimes
• 9 nickels 
• 1 non US currency coin from the Wizard of Oz machine at Hoopla's. 
• $8.36 total in the dish.
• Oldest penny in dish, a 1966 penny. 
• Newest penny in dish, four 2014 pennies.
• Years missing from the '70's, 1972, 1975, 1978, 1979
• Years missing from the '80's, 1983
• Years missing from the '90's, 1991, 1993, 1997, 1999
• Years missing from the 2000's, 2000, 2004, 2007, 2010, 2011
• Most numerous year of penny, four 1996 and four 2014 
• Four different years had 3 pennies, six different years had 2 pennies. 
• The oldest looking penny was the 1966 penny, the oldest penny there was.
• One of the two 1989 pennies was so beat up I could hardly read it.
• All of the backs were identical, except for the 2009, it had its own different back due to the Lincoln's cent 100th anniversary and the two 2012's and four 2014's had the same back that depicts the shield and not the Lincoln Memorial like the rest.
• Laid the pennies on top of the other dish so you couldn't see any other coin.
• This blog about the picture is my 175th post. 
• From 1982 pennies are made from copper coated zinc. 
• All the pennies in the dish before 1982 are made out of brass. 
• The new design for the back came out in 2010, the old design of the Lincoln Memorial was made in 1909. 
• Each penny weighs 3.11 grams, total weight of pennies in dish, 174.16 grams. 
• Pennies are fatal to dogs if eaten but not humans.  

HOW TO SHUT OFF THE MAIN WATER

Apparently not every main water shut off is inside the house. I didn't know that and I had never known a home to be any other way. Sometimes they are outside, under the ground, this is a wonderful place to put something that you might need to use some day! Burying something useful sounds like the water company is run by pirates.

I installed a new mini bar sink and since the last guy had no clue what he was doing and messed it up royally, I had to do a lot. Long story short, I needed to shut off the main water supply to the house so I could hook up the hot and cold water to my new sink. The first problem was finding it.

I looked everywhere, in every room, in every closet, in every space, in the attic, in the garage, on the outside of the house, and finally I was just plain stumped. (I realize how looking for it in all those places makes me look stupid because as we all know it should only be in about 2-3 different places but when it wasn't in the obvious spots, I could only assume it was somewhere else).

I asked the neighbor if he knew and he explained that it is under the ground by the curb in front of my house. How convenient! This was new for me because where I grew up every single house has a main water shut off on the inside, you don't have to go outside or open up a cover to find it under ground, it's usually just in your basement or where your water heater is located.

Getting this cover off was as easy as......well it wasn't easy at all! It took forever and I actually had to go buy a special tool just to do it. Even after I had the tool it wasn't easy. Now we come to the point of this whole blog (FINALLY!) I looked high and low for things on the internet on how to open this water meter cover, and I didn't find anything. Specifically it will help those of you in North Texas, Dallas area, Carrollton to be exact.

This cover is made to stay on and you'll need a special key to open it. How convenient! Not for you, but the water company. I think that is why it is like this, so they can control the main water line to your house. I guess if you don't pay your bill they can come out and turn it off which makes perfect sense but since it is the one and only shut off when someone needs the water to shut off when doing work inside the house, let's say for example putting in a new sink, it becomes a ridiculous hassle and pain in the *swear word of a body part goes here*.

You can call the water company anytime, as they told me when I called them, and they'll come out and take off the cover and turn the water off for you but let's face it, that isn't very practical. So get this special key so you can do it yourself anytime you want. Besides, it is your water, your house, you should be able to turn it off if you want without the water company's say so. 

Getting his key wasn't easy either. Home Depot had it but Lowes didn't because they were sold out! I guess a lot of people want to shut off their own water....imagine that. This key tool fits directly into this special shaped hole. TRUST ME, you can't get it off by sticking screw drivers down there. (I tried) You can also order this key online. I think it only cost 3 dollars and some change in the store but you'll have it for life so why not?

Well I make a special trip to Lowes then had to go to Home Depot and finally got my key. Getting the right key feels like a scene from the Legend of Zelda. It really essentially is the same thing, I had never experienced this in real life before, maybe on small scale when you're opening a door and have 10 keys and you're trying every one and then you get the right one and you're like, YES!!! This feeling was like that only to a greater extent.

FINALLY, I can open up the cover and get into that pesky shut off valve. NOPE. My key wouldn't work and I had no idea why. It was the right shape and it fit in and even turned but it just plain wouldn't open this cover. Now I was mad. I called up the water company and demanded that they come out and open up this stupid cover immediately! (not how actual phone call went) They were really nice about it and sent a guy out and in 15 mins. he was here.

I hate to say it but I really wanted to be a smug jerk and have him NOT open this cover, the same way I wasn't able to, just to make myself feel better. I really prepared myself for when he couldn't open it to squat down to his level, point right in his face and scream out, "HA!!!" Well the water company man bent down on one knee, entered his key, (looked identical to mine) and I squinted my eyes and smirked, he turned his key, (just as mine turned in the hole) he lifted and, THE COVER CAME OFF. My jaw dropped to the ground and I wanted to smack him. I didn't understand what I did wrong. He turned off the water and said to call him back when I wanted it turned on again.

I couldn't let him get away and I asked if he would try MY key because I couldn't open it. He said sure and I got my key and gave it to him. Sure enough try as he might, he couldn't open it either! I felt so much better. He looked at it and scratched his head and tried it again and took out his key and looked at it and scratched his head and finally he found the problem...

Look at the very specific shape of your key. If it does not work, as mine did not, you have to shave off the edge so it is in this shape and THEN it will work. I used a variety of files to shave down this corner to where it needed to be. Luckily I had a bunch of different files to choose from, if you don't it's ok, but it might take you a little longer and yours might not look as good as mine but if it gets the stupid cover off, who cares?!?!

Now the key fit and turned perfectly but the cover remained locked. I had to pull the key to the side and THEN it worked. Just play around with your key and you'll get it too, use it like a joystick. Once off it becomes much simpler! UNLESS...that is of course, you don't have the next important tool. I am rolling my eyes people.

This next tool is very handy and it makes things simple, if you don't have it you can use a wrench. Simply turn off the main water supply to your house. Turn on your facets and let the water drain out until the pipe is empty and you are ready to go to work! In my case it was cutting off the pipe and installing a new valve.

I then turned the water back on and closed up the cover WITH MY OWN KEY. I called the water company and told them I wouldn't be needing them to come back to turn on my water. Yes, partly to be courteous but mostly to be a smug jerk that didn't need their help. (Although I had already gone crawling to them for help earlier in the day).

I hope this helped someone because the last I checked there is nothing else on the internet like this. So if you're having the same issues, perhaps this helped you.

ROBIN HOOD vs. LEGOLAS vs. CUPID vs. GREEN ARROW vs. HAWKEYE vs. DARYL vs. WILLIAM TELL vs. KATNISS vs. ME

These well known bow and arrow slinging characters never had a chance to face each other....UNTIL NOW. I wanted to know what would happen if all of these bow using people had a big tournament to find out which one is truly the best at shooting arrows. I created a fictional contest to find out who really was the best of all time. This is an archery contest for the ages! I have also entered the contest because I once won an archery contest as a child, which I feel qualifies me to go up against history's most famous arrow slingers. Who will win and who will quiver in fear??? (smart joke)

I swear I put these names into a hat and drew them randomly. I can't make this up people, I really have a lot of time on my hands. So here we go! The bracket to start off our tournament BUT FIRST, I will introduce each character just so we all know who I am talking about here.



THE CONTESTANTS

Daryl from The Walking Dead.
Daryl Dixon uses a crossbow, not sure it should count in this tournament because the rest use an actual bow but I let him in because so many of us know and love him. He is living in a zombie filled world just trying to survive day to day. He is deadly with many things but his weapon of choice is the crossbow. Many zombies have met their end from an arrow shot by Daryl, but does he have what it takes to be the best???

Green Arrow DC Comics Superhero
Oliver Queen, billionaire businessman crime fighting superhero that uses archery. He first appeared in 1941 so he has been around for a long time. He is a part of the Justice League and although has some trick arrows, was asked to only use normal arrows for this competition. How does he stack up against the rest of our fictional contenders? We'll soon find out. 

Hawkeye Marvel Comics Superhero
Clint Barton, member of the Avengers, was created in 1964 by Stan Lee and also uses archery to fight crime and combat evil! He does not have an actual superpower though. An obvious rip off of Green Arrow, Hawkeye was raised in a circus where he would do trick shooting and earned the name, "The World's Greatest Archer." Let's find out if he really lives up to that title!

Legolas from Lord of the Rings
Legolas was the son of the Elf-King of the woodland realm. He is deadly with his Elven long bow, it is over 6 feet long and is said can send an arrow with fatal force over 400 yards. Elves have better eye sight and hearing than humans and with these skills Legolas, who is revered for his archery skills, will be a worthy opponent!

Cupid from mythology
In mythology Cupid is the god of desire, erotic love, attraction and affection...and he can sling an arrow like a son of a bitch! When the God Apollo claimed he was a better archer than Cupid, Cupid shoots him to prove a point. That's the kind of attitude I want in this tournament!

Robin Hood from English folklore
Robin Hood, the heroic outlaw that steals from the rich and gives to the poor! Living in Sherwood Forest with his band of merry men, Robin was well-known for being a skilled archer. The famous contest where Robin splits an arrow in two after it has hit the bull's-eye is exactly the kind of shooting he will need to have to win this contest!

William Tell from Swiss folklore
We all know the William Tell Overture and love it. Legend says when this badass refused to bow to a hat, he was forced to shoot an apple off his son's head. Can you imagine how that conversation with his wife would have went if he had missed??? William Tell used a crossbow to split the apple in two but can he beat these fictional characters without the help of his son's head?? We'll find out!

Katniss from The Hunger Games
Katniss Everdeen was forced to kill a bunch of children during the Hunger Games. She gained her archery skills from hunting animals to survive while living in District-12. She scored an 11 out of a possible 12 during the pregame judging due to her skills with a bow and arrow. However, this time she isn't up against a bunch of children.

Andrew the writer of this blog
I won an archery contest as a kid one time by hitting the dead center of the bulls-eye with my first shot. I feel that qualifies me enough for this match up.


With an odd number of people entered into this contest, one of them will have to sit out the first round. I put the names into the hat and the last one that is not chosen will win the first round-bye. I swear my name was the last name so it means Andrew advances to the second round! I swear that really happened, I seriously drew these names and mine was the last one left over because it was an odd number, I didn't look or anything. No one is going to believe that and there was no way I could have made it to the second round but that's what happened! 

ROUND ONE

In our first round match up we have Cupid VS. Daryl and the winner of that will face the winner of Hawkeye VS. Legolas. On the other side we have William Tell VS. Green Arrow and the winner of that will square off against the winner of Robin Hood VS. Katniss. Remember all of these match ups were drawn randomly. I, having been randomly selected for the first round bye, will face the first winner of the first match up. 

CUPID VS. DARYL
In our first match Daryl from the Walking Dead goes up against the well known God of love and symbol of Valentine's Day, Cupid. The flying boy archer that strikes our hearts with love will face a man living in a post apocalyptic world where he uses his crossbow just to stay alive. Head to head we have a human being verses a god, not a very good match. While Daryl has done some pretty amazing fancy shooting just to stay alive, he doesn't measure up well in a contest. Cupid carries two kinds of arrows, one that causes desire and one that causes desire to flee. Daryl would not be able to hit the flying deity but would be struck by the lead tipped arrow causing him to want to flee. Besides with Daryl going from badass to crybaby in recent seasons, I think he would probably be afraid of Cupid and run off anyways. Either way he'd get shot and be out of this tournament. WINNER: CUPID

WILLIAM TELL VS. GREEN ARROW
Our next match up is William Tell verses Green Arrow. The Green Arrow would not approve of this contest as he is a hero and doesn't kill for sport. William Tell pretty much had no problem doing what he was told when it came to shoot an apple off his son's head so I think William Tell would go ahead and try to shoot Green Arrow. However without the life of his son to motivate him, I think William Tell  would be no match for a Superhero and in self-defense Green Arrow would take William Tell out fairly easily. William Tell would get a shot off but it wouldn't matter in the end. WINNER: GREEN ARROW

LEGOLAS VS. HAWKEYE
Now we have Legolas Greenleaf, the Mirkwood prince to face another superhero, Hawkeye. With speed and agility combined with far superior eyesight and reaction time, Legolas will have put 5 arrows into Hawkeye before he could get one out of his quiver. Hawkeye was just a human with amazing ability but no true super powers. Unfortunately this match would be over very quickly and Legolas, having no hesitation to kill a human, would have another big advantage. I will say Hawkeye would make a valiant effort to get a shot off, but it would be over before he knows it. WINNER: LEGOLAS

ROBIN HOOD VS. KATNISS
A fight for readers everywhere! The Prince of Thieves squares off against the symbol for the rebellion! Truth be told Katniss would never join this competition so we had to tell her it was either her or her little sister. She would then join reluctantly. Robin Hood on the other hand would join immediately to prove he is the best archer in all the land! Fighting for her life is something Katniss has not only done before, but has done quite well. No tricks this time though and Katniss would have to shoot another person without hesitation. She wouldn't be able to do this, not as fast as Robin Hood would. He wouldn't wait and yet, he would have extreme difficulty shooting a lady. They both hesitate but Katniss would hesitate a tiny bit more giving the edge to Robin Hood. She would wound Robin but not fatally and his arrow would find its mark. WINNER: ROBIN HOOD

SECOND ROUND
Since Cupid was the first winner it is only fair that I will have to face him. The winner of that will face Legolas. On the other side we have Green Arrow against Robin Hood.

CUPID VS. ME
In the first match up Cupid verses Andrew, I feel I would get an arrow off towards Cupid's general direction. I'm sure it would miss him by a lot and before my arrow was even in the air I would have already been shot by one of his arrows. Thank goodness he doesn't kill anyone and I would be stricken with love. Unable to focus on the task of shooting that naked flying baby, I would just wonder away from the contest singing love songs to myself. WINNER: CUPID

ROBIN HOOD VS. GREEN ARROW
The second fight has Green Arrow VS. Robin Hood. Again Green Arrow would face a moral dilemma about shooting an innocent person that was also forced into this stupid archery contest. He would also still feel pretty bad for shooting another person that did nothing wrong to get to the second round so he really wouldn't want to do this too. Robin Hood on the other hand would love to win this event and he would feel much better going up against a man instead of a woman. Robin Hood would not hesitate this time but Green Arrow would and that is why Robin Hood would just barely slay Green Arrow in a narrow victory. WINNER AND ADVANCING TO THE FINAL ROUND: ROBIN HOOD

CUPID VS. LEGOLAS
Cupid and Legoas will now have to face each other for a chance to go to our final round. For this to be fair we had to make Cupid drink the same potion that made Hercules mortal. He did it and was quite pleasant about it actually. Two non-humans face each other for a chance to go to the winner's circle to face Robin Hood! Now that Cupid is mortal just getting a shot to hit him as he flies and fires back would take a whole lot more than any man could do....luckily for Legolas because he isn't human. I feel a few shots would be fired back and forth but the skill of killing and the experience would go to Legolas and he would take out Cupid as hitting a moving target wouldn't be that difficult using his Elven eyes. WINNER AND ADVANCING TO THE FINAL ROUND: LEGOLAS

FINAL ROUND, ROBIN HOOD VS. LEGOLAS

Now what you have all been waiting for! The final round and championship match-up! ROBIN HOOD VERSES LEOGLAS. What a match! Probably the most famous archer of all time, Robin Hood, going up against the fan favorite of the Lord of the Rings movies and books, Legolas!

Robin Hood knows he's up against a very powerful and worthy adversary. Legolas, on the other hand, isn't too afraid of a human but he still respects his opponent. Robin Hood would pull out all the stops and get one of his flaming arrows ready. Legolas would prepare to use his speed and accuracy on Robin Hood. I feel Robin Hood would be worried about not getting his shot off first, and he wouldn't, Legolas would shoot at Robin Hood but Robin's blazing projectile would split Legolas' arrow in two, but the problem was, Legolas would have shot two arrows at one time. One would be split by Robin's fire arrow but the second one would find its target, Robin Hood's heart. In a quick motion this match would be over and legolas would remain standing.

 WINNER, AND BEST FICTIONAL ARCHER OF ALL TIME, LEGOLAS GREENLEAF.

Well there you have it! The best and most famous archers of all time in an epic show down that can only have one winner! Thanks, and hope you enjoyed reading about my fake made up archery contest!