Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Popular Books rewritten as Books for Children: TWILIGHT

Once upon a time, there was an ugly homely girl named Bella. It's funny cause "Bella" means beautiful, but she couldn't have been further from that, I guess maybe it was talking about her inner beauty, but she didn't have much of that either, considering she was shallow and rude.

Bella liked a boy in school, his name was Edward. I know he sounds gay already, and nothing else I'm ever going to say is going to make you think differently, but trust me, he wasn't. Edward was the best looking guy in school, so of course he wanted to be with the grotesque Bella. Not in a million years would these two have EVER ended up together in real life, but this is a fantasy!

Edward was a vampire. Not a cool vampire like Dracula or even a stupid vampire like the Count from Sesame Street, no, Edward was an emotional, handsome, young, sensitive, caring, sparkly vampire. Again, I swear he isn't gay.

Shockingly, the second best looking guy in school also wanted the plain boring old Bella girl. Bella wanted nothing to do with Jacob, even though he was better looking, had a better body, AND WAS NOT A MONSTER. Well, it turns out he was a monster too. He was a werewolf, and could transform into a giant wolf when he was pissed off. You'd think he would be the biggest horn-dog in school, but he wasn't...he was also sensitive and caring and loving and he might have been gay.

Edward had a vampire family. Every single one of them was ridiculously hot. That just goes to show Vampires only want good looking people to turn into other Vampires, which again, made no sense why Edward would want Bella, but hey, this is an imaginary world where the loser girl gets the best two guys in school to fight over her. Did I mention Bella's best friend was the Tooth Fairy?? Might as well have been with how this story is going.

Usually getting a man to change for a woman is impossible, even though it's what every girl assumes is going to happen when their man is slightly less than perfect, (for example, being a blood-thirsty killer Vampire). Bella was no different! The only thing she needed to change, was the fact that Edward was a soulless dead inhuman monster. If she pouted enough, surely he would give in and date her.

"They will certainly kill you," is by far the best reason not to date someone. What other reason is better than that? You can't come up with anything worse than getting killed by your boyfriend as a reason to not be with him, but Bella didn't care. She whined and complained and poorly acted (not a typo for acted poorly, I mean her acting in the movie sucked) until she finally got her way and Edward changed his very being just to be with that 999,999 out of a million girl!

The moral of the story is, be shallow and pout until you get your way and you too can get anything you want, no mater how unrealistic it is and no matter how ugly you are on the inside and out.

Here's a shocking twist ending. Edward and Jacob weren't gay, and even in real life they aren't either. The one who turns out to be gay in real life is Bella. Crazy. I guess an alternate moral for the story would be, no matter how feminine, sensitive, emotional, and shiny your man is, they can never take the place of a real woman.


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